Last Day Of Easter Therapy Break

So I go back to therapy tomorrow night after my T taking a two week break. This means I wouldn’t have seen her for 19 days. 

Here’s the thing: I don’t feel even remotely bothered. I don’t particularly want to go back… I don’t have anything to talk about… it’s like I’ve completely switched off all of my feelings and everything “therapy related”. 

I sent her a text on Thursday the 13th and meant what I said at the time, but since… nada. 

I’ve had thoughts that I don’t need to go anymore because I’ve coped so well and because I haven’t missed it…. I feel right now I could easily miss another week, maybe two, who knows? Maybe more… 

I put a lot of this down to attachment… maybe it’s me blocking thins out or maybe it’s punishment to her somehow but obviously consciously it doesn’t feel like that… 

Very odd. 

Feeling Angry & Sad

It’s Bank Holiday Monday today, about 12.30 in the afternoon and I am writing this because I am feeling fed up, angry and a whole load of things that I can’t quite put my finger on. 

The feelings crept in about 10.30am this morning and are linked to the fact that we are going to my mother’s house for lunch in an hour’s time. 

I got the invite last night and felt like I had to accept because we haven’t seen her since Mother’s Day and because if we don’t go today, it will have to be very soon and going in the daytime for lunch is probably a lot safer than going in the evening where there would be drunken conversations like last time. 

Anyway. It started whilst I was doing my hair. I stared playing out possible scenarios, my nan saying things like “did you get your mum something for Easter?” Or “mum says….[fill in the blanks]”… instantly after that it all went downhill. 

I looked in my mirror and felt really ugly. My skin isn’t looking good. My hair wasn’t going right. I didn’t know what to wear and was feeling torn between making an effort so that nobody comments on me but equally not wanting to make any effort because I didn’t feel like it and because it probably wouldn’t make any difference anyway. 

I told my boyfriend I wasn’t feeling good (I think he could tell as I was huffing and puffing like a steam train) and he asked if it was because we were going to my mum’s. I said I think so. 

I told him that I struggle when my nan says things on behalf of my mum and I struggle to stay calm and bite my tongue. He said you have to and I was like “I bloody know that!! Aghhh”!! But it’s so hard. He pulled me over for a cuddle and I burst out crying which he knew would happen and so did I. 

And now here we are…. with no more than about half an hour to go and I still feel shit. Headachy, sick… nervous, dread… isn’t that an awful way to feel about seeing your family.  It’s sad. Contrasted massively with the fact we spent the last two days with my boyfriend’s parents who are the sweetest. I brought his mum some flowers and his dad an Easter egg, we went for dinner, it was peaceful and relaxing. I haven’t got my mum (or anyone else) anything and I feel I should buy I don’t want to. 

Oh well. What can I do? I just have to go and get it over with. 

T’s Response

She replied! At last. She said: 
“Dear [Twink], 

I am glad you were able to touch Base. It’s good you are able to be in touch with your feelings whilst using Alanis and my book to stay connected.

I am still here and you are held in my mind and thought about often.

Take gentle care.

Fond regards”

Agh! I Text T!

Hi guys,

I can’t believe I am saying this, but… I text my T. I sent her a text message whilst she is on a break. This has never been done before.

Some background: I have today off of work and was laying in bed re-reading some of my old blogs, particularly the ones just before the break and ended up crying. Not crying crying, just some tears rolling down my face.  I was pretty surprised as I am finding the break fine but hey, clearly something had mad me cry.

I had read my note on my last session and I think I felt the strength of our bond, our connection to one another or something, I’m not too sure.  Anyway, I decided to try something I have never done before and text her.

Firstly I have never text, I always always email.. secondly I have NEVER in nearly 3 years sent her a message of any kind when she has been away – that feels like a no-go area.  Here is what I said:

“Hello [T,] I hope you are enjoying your break so far.  I just found myself re-reading my notes from our last session(s) and note that I am feeling like I miss you a little bit and feeling very grateful that I have you in my life.  

I feel a bit emotional – not particularly sad or depressed, just a little emotional.  Hard to explain but it feels it will pass quickly and not ruin the day. 

I have been reading your book and playing my Alanis album which seems to keep a connection alive for me which I like. 

Anyway, no questions… I just thought I would be brave and try something new and send this to you during a break even though it feels “forbidden” somehow!

Take care and see you soon.”

 

I then distracted myself by having a shower and getting ready.. I then read for a bit.. I then went to the shop and got some food shopping done… I then came home and eat lunch.. watched an episode of a series, put some washing on… and here we are nearly 4 hours later and I haven’t had a reply agggghhhhhh.

The adult and rational part of me can reason that she may well be on holiday and not just off work, she could be at an event or any manor of things… but the child and more emotive part of me is scared now that she isn’t going to reply or that I’ve overstepped the mark somehow.

I said I missed her. Aghhh gaaakkkkkk.

To be continued.

Thoughts so far on “Every Day Gets a Little Closer” by Irvin Yalom.

I started writing this blog last night but have just finished it this morning, the purpose of it changed somewhat half way through but I thought I would post anyway!

Ordinarily I would be rushing home and off to therapy tonight but it is now officially day of the first missed session. Today I still feel absolutely fine. I have thought about T a little due to the fact that I am reading her book which is about therapy and is diary entries written from both the T’s perspective and the patient’s, it is very interesting and has given me food for thought.

A few times I have read things from the therapist’s point of view and her personal thoughts and feelings towards the patient and I’ve wondered to myself if my T thinks things like that.. especially the nice, kind things.

This morning I read a bit where the T writes that they had a rather empty session and that “for once” she didn’t think about the patient afterwards for at least 4 hours….. my first thought was “ah, so maybe T really does think about me after I leave”.  That and also, that 4 hours wasn’t that long and if I entered her head in that time or any time really, I would be quite happy.

I also noticed that there is a reluctance from the patient to talk to the T about her feelings towards the T or to ask the T any questions (when asked to) and I could identify with this. What is it about therapy that makes us (me?) so uncomfortable to discuss this stuff? I am very aware that the relationship and the attachment is half of the point in this type of therapy, yet it seems scary.

It reminded me once more of the effect it has on me whenever my T has said anything affectionate to me. To look away, burn with embarrassment and try not to cry (unsuccessfully at my last session).  In the book this is discussed in a roundabout way and the T thinks it is because the patient feels she doesn’t have “the right” to invoke such a response/reaction in the T because she doesn’t deserve to.  I don’t know if that is the same for me or not, I haven’t quite decided yet.

Another thing that I can relate to is that the patient is unable to get in touch with her own anger – I wonder how common this is in therapy? Any comments on this would be welcome kind readers.

[Finished off this morning]

I noticed that the patient writes her notes to her therapist rather than about her.  I thought about perhaps trying to write some of my blogs as if I am writing to my T and seeing the difference.  However the patient did note in her write-ups that perhaps writing to the T prevents her saying certain things. I think that might be the case with me.  Who knows?

I read the sentence “I talked with a wild nervous energy” and recognised myself in that. Some sessions I go in and literally talk constantly. I come out sometimes embarrassed that I’ve spoken so much but I have never associated this with being a nervous energy.. perhaps it is.

“Usually she swallows it deeply and then feels wildered and helpless with her never expressed, never acted on anger” – this touched a nerve because I am not in touch with my anger either and sometimes in therapy I can become rather helpless and depressed.

The T throughout the book so far seemed pleased if the patient made any attempt at being stern or voicing her wishes.  The T said this pleased him and it made me think that perhaps my T really wouldn’t be offended if I said something that I wouldn’t usually.

“Mostly I trust everybody since I am too dependent not to. I react to someone rather than act first. They put me in my place, set my borders and limits” – this also touched a nerve. I realised that I do this. I very rarely “set the scene”, I let someone else do that and seem to fit in around whatever is expected of me. I wonder why. The patient in the book seems to suggest it’s a dependency issue which I guess would make sense. T has said that I am a people pleaser so perhaps the two go hand-in-hand.

“The session gave me a lot of information and some strength. Whenever this happens, I always wonder – what would I do without you and the session?” – Yeps. Think this often.

The therapist said if she allowed herself to, she could “be sucked into her despair and self-disgust”. This made me wonder whether my T thinks this about me? Does she have to stay very aware not to be “sucked in” to my sad feelings?

On returning from a break the patient came in very depressed. The T suggested this was a passive-aggressive way of punishing the T by saying “see what you’ve done to me?”.  Again, food for thought. Do I do this? Is any depressive reaction from my T being away my attempt at punishing T?

One session the T had a cast on his leg and the patient failed to mention it. The T wrote in his notes that he wondered why. This reminded me of a time when I noticed my T had trouble getting up from her chair (I think she had hurt her back) – I wanted to ask but didn’t. Also, whenever she has had a cold I want to mention it, but never do. I wondered why we do this as patients? Do we feel it is overstepping the mark or something?  Me and my T are believers in the mind-body link and both have a book about this subject.  Sometimes when she has had a cold it has made me think straight to what the book would say which is something about un-cried tears and being “stuffed” up. I have thought that I wonder if she is okay and I wonder if she is struggling in her life but that I can’t ask that.

Note of final session before Easter Break

Hi everyone

It’s Monday afternoon here in England, about 1.30pm as I start to type this up. I haven’t got much to write about but I feel aware that I haven’t written much lately which is quite unusual for me – team that with the fact I am officially “on a therapy break” now, that is very surprising.

My memory is pretty hazy on my last session Thursday before the break began. I went in feeling fine – I had no physical symptoms and nothing I particularly wanted to discuss. I told my T this and smiled and felt pretty good but she seemed to think perhaps I had gone into “self-sufficient mode”.  That is something she says I do at every break.  I said maybe, it is possible but I generally felt okay.

Then, much to my surprise, something weird happened….. T was saying something about how she understands that I will miss coming, and miss her and that she will still be holding me in mind (blah blah blah) and that she cares for me or she will be thinking of me or something like that – I can’t quite remember what it was she said, but what I do remember is that I felt very embarrassed as I usually do if she speaks about her feelings for me.  I remember I looked away and kinda acted like it was all fine and then she said “that touched on something didn’t it!” and I quickly said “no it didn’t” and then tears rolled down my face!! WTF.  I genuinely don’t understand why or how that happened. It shocked me.  She seemed to be almost pleased with herself, not that she had made me cry of course, but almost like that reaction proved her right in her feeling or something.

I said that I felt okay but that I wouldn’t really know how I was going to feel until some time had passed and that the weekends were generally okay because I was busy with the kids and didn’t have much time to think about therapy stuff.

She said that sentence again “it’s okay to be okay you know?” – I don’t get what she means by that. I think that it almost annoys me because I take it mean that I don’t HAVE to fall apart when she is gone – which I clearly know so that’s annoying. I don’t exactly enjoy being a loser. A nearly 29 year old that acts like a 6-year-old when she is gone. I do know it is “okay to be okay”…. Raaaa.

(I think I am in a bad mood today so this possibly is a bad reflection of the session).

Later in the session we were discussing something totally unrelated to therapy – baby massage and she told me that her friend came round once and did baby massage on her dog. We were laughing about it and she said how much the dog loved it.  She told me the dog’s name and I felt like I had been let in on a secret element of her life….. it’s only her dog’s name, hardly something to write home about but I liked it. I have remembered it and I like that I know.  I have wondered since whether she let me have this little snippet of information to  hold with me during the holiday… or whether it was completely unintentional and not something she gave a second thought too. Who knows.

I said that last time we came back from a break we had discussed transitional objects and things like that but that I realised the day before this session that we hadn’t discussed it and that I felt it was too late. I also admitted that someone on here suggested I emailed her that day (Wednesday) but that I fought against this internally and didn’t. She said something about how I am still very afraid to show her any that I have needs.  She said this all stemmed from my mother’s hatred of anything “clingy” or “needy” and she said she thinks I think she will be “punitive” (her word) if I was to show her I had needs.

On reflection, she is probably/possibly right about this but then I feel like saying well if you know I have needs, if last time I came back from a break I told you how hard it was.. I told you I would like a transitional object or something to help me through.. why haven’t you just offered it to me without me having to be here on the last session again….

I feel like a child saying that. I know it isn’t up to her to offer these things to me but I need to ask for them. I just can’t ask.

She said that if the break is hard I could email and I said I knew that. She said I wouldn’t email though would I? and I said probably not and laughed.  She asked why? I said I didn’t know…. She said that she thinks I am worried about hitting some invisible boundary and being punished and I agreed. I said sometimes I worry because say I wanted to email her and she had only been gone 3 days for example, then I would worry because what if I then needed to email on day 7 and day 10 and day 16?? It would be too much.  She said I become self-sufficient because I always did.

I said I wouldn’t know what to say if I emailed her. She said “even if you just say “I am feeling like total shit” that’s fine!” I laughed. I like it when she swears, it seems to make her less formal and less like a teacher or something.  She said she thinks that she “wears off” when she is away because I can’t keep going back to “check in” and so I lose the connection and this could make me turn her bad (I haven’t done that yet).  I said she is right that I start off okay but gradually I forget the good feeling and the nice stuff and it does wear  off.

I asked her how am I supposed to feel when she is away? What is the right thing to be saying/feeling because if I say I am fine she thinks I am going defensive and self-sufficient but if I am falling apart crying then I am being too childish *she doesn’t say this, this is my take*.  She laughed and said well….. you would just swing between the two less.  It would have less effect on you.

Anyway, I did end up borrowing a book. It’s called “ Every Day A Little Closer” by Irvin Yalom (who also wrote Love’s Executioner) – it’s a book by a therapist and his patient and they both write a note of each session it is very interesting being able to compare their views/take on how the session progressed. I’ve already read quite a bit of it so it is unlikely to last me the whole therapy break but it’s something. If I am honest I would have preferred a note but I feel hugely embarrassed to ask her for that and I don’t know what I want the note to say…. I just imagine I would like it.

I can’t remember much more from that session but I left feeling okay and I have felt okay since. Like genuinely okay. I actually am quite relieved to have a break at present, but who knows if that feeling will last.

I had a weird dream Saturday night which I’ve noted down for T (if it still feels at all relevant by the time she comes back (unlikely).. we shall see how it goes.

I hope you are all doing okay in the break so far.

TT x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Session Tuesday 4th April

Hi everyone,

Firstly thank you to everyone who commented on my post yesterday about feeling unwell, it seems I am far from the only one who has experienced somatic symptoms on therapy day and I have absolutely no doubt at all that it is linked. Far too much of a coincidence for my liking! I have woken up feeling much better today which is a relief.

When I got home last night (shortly after posting about how I was feeling on the train), I found myself in floods of tears and desperate for a cuddle from my boyfriend. I didn’t know what I was crying at which is something I still struggle to accept – I get quite aggravated at myself for not understanding what is making me cry. I really needed to be cuddled by him, he had just taken his top off to get changed and I literally had my head pressed on his chest and just cried all over him (I know, lovely!). I do feel for him because obviously he asked why and when I said I didn’t know, he didn’t know what to do or say to me lol!

I asked him if he could drive me to my session because I really didn’t want to go and I really didn’t want to drive (I have noticed that when I feel like this, I lose concentration when driving or I make stupid mistakes and scare myself) but he couldn’t because he had to log back onto work. So I had no choice. I really, really didn’t want to go.

But I did go, and I did drive and I arrived – with no nails having bitten them all off.

T asked me how I was and I said quite honestly, “Err, I’ve been better”. I had a bit of a miserable sulk face on and breathed out quite heavily.  I went on to explain my physical symptoms and she asked me what I thought they were about. I said I didn’t know and that I hadn’t had any thoughts accompanying the feelings so I was a bit confused.  T said she thought it was about the break and I said I had thought this was possible too.

I told T that I had also bitten off all of my nails and that I had realised I had also done this last week. T asked if I always bit my nails and I said that I used too, but not anymore.  T said that I have suffered with my stomach a lot haven’t I and I said that I used to think I had IBS for years.  T said “used to?” and I told her that for nearly a year now, I’ve barely noticed any stomach troubles and that it had nearly gone unless I had a lot of dairy – which was easy enough to avoid.

T said “so you are re-experiencing physical symptoms that you used to have?” – that made sense. I agreed. She said she didn’t think that was a coincidence and said something was going on and it was all in my tummy. She asked if I was scared and I said I wasn’t sure. She asked if I was angry and I said I wasn’t sure.

I told T that I had burst into tears when I got home and she said she thought it was interesting that I had cried at home rather than in the room. I said that I had felt like I needed to cry all day long so I wasn’t surprised it came out when I got home – she said maybe the “upset” coming out in tears at home would help with the “belly upset”.

T mentioned the break and said that obviously the break was next week (for two weeks) and that it was probably having an effect on me. She said that last time in the break I found it very hard at first, but was then able to settle into it a little. I didn’t say much at this point…. I noticed that for the first time probably ever, there were a lot of silences from me.  Usually I talk A LOT. I just didn’t have anything to say and that is very unusual for me.

My mother came up and I said that I hadn’t thought much about my last therapy session and that over the weekend I had totally turned therapy stuff off (again this is unusual for me). T said that it struck her in our last session how much I was realising about my mum and how painful it was.  Silence from me for a bit….. I then said that it had really hit me last session that everything we spoke about and every suggestion T made about my wedding, that my first thought was about what my mother would think. I said that I couldn’t really believe how much I did this and that it really made me realise how much I do it. I said it was stupid.  T said it wasn’t stupid, it was completely natural because I have been trained to please her and I’ve become very loyal to her because of it.  I felt irritated and annoyed. Deep breath out… more silences.

I told T at some point during the session that I just can’t believe she is that bad yet I know she is. I said it is annoying me because I feel so stupid – I have all the evidence there – right there in front of me and yet, I still have these thoughts and hopes that it isn’t really true. I said I just can’t understand that conflict!  T said again how it is normal. She said that sometimes we need our defences because things are truly so painful.  She kept telling me not to call myself stupid and I said even though I understood why I might do things or feel things, it was annoying me.  T asked where the anger was and I said I do get angry! I do, it really pisses me off that I do this, that I fall into her trap – it pisses me off that I can be so gullible and feel so much guilt and it annoys me that I still can’t accept the truth!!!!! She said again not to turn the anger to myself. (easier said than done).

The tears were flowing by this stage and I think they pretty much stayed there for the rest of the session on and off. I still find this hard to believe because up until fairly recently, there were no tears EVER and now they are there nearly all session nearly every session.  I worry she will start to find me too depressing even though I know that is not something a trained therapist probably thinks about her patients.  I also know that I am not there to entertain her but hey, I can’t help the thoughts that come – true or not true.

T told me to limit how much I see my mother during the two weeks she is off and I said I would and that I had no plans to see her. She said that when she is away, she isn’t there to regulate and contain me and my feelings about her so not seeing her would help with that. I agreed.

We spoke a bit about how when I see her and when I am in touch with my anger, I find myself rather aggressive – I question the things she says that don’t match up and I point out inconsistencies etc. I am guarded and ready to fire – I said that this wasn’t fun for me and that if I’m not like that, I am too soft and seem to get sucked in to her attempts and don’t realise what she is doing. T said that it might help to imagine that I am wearing a sort of cloak. It is soft enough to let the good stuff in but is hard enough to let all the nasty stuff just bounce off.  She has used this concept before but it hasn’t really worked for me before. I told T that some weeks a certain family friend will be all wonderful and the next time I see her, she is slating that person and that I find myself pointing that out to her.  T said not to waste my time or my breath – I said I know, I just can’t help myself.

I said that I had thought a bit about our conversation about the row between my mum and my boyfriend and that it made me feel sick to think that her reasons for allegedly “protecting me” were so different to what I had hoped/thought they were. I said it made me feel sick – she pointed out it wasn’t a surprise I had physically felt sick all day. I said to T, obviously it is all sick but it really is so sick isn’t it? She is so sick.  T didn’t say much but I just kinda looked into nowhere and sat with that.

I said that I know people say this sort of thing often but I just cannot comprehend/believe that she could be so … just like this. It is hard to truly accept properly. I said yet someone had commented recently on my blog to say that perhaps my mother wasn’t narcissistic and I was very quick to point out that she really is. I said I know she is but I just can’t believe it.  T said she really did understand.

T said it takes time and I said I thought I had understood all of this for the last 2 years, why now am I back to denial? T said I might have accepted it on an intellectual level but the feelings about it all are much harder. She said it takes time and that I would get there slowly. She said to settle in and that 2 years really wasn’t long. I let out a sulky moan type noise and felt kind of defeated inside.  I wanted to tell her that I don’t want more years of feeling like this but I didn’t say that.

We spoke some more about the guilt that I feel (this is not a new conversation) and I said that sometimes I guess I fear she will know what I am thinking and saying about her and that ….. I paused here and said I know this is totally ridiculous but I guess that I worry she will die and I was wrong (about her being shit and narcissistic etc) and that I would never forgive myself. T said basically I worry that I could CAUSE her death? I said yes, and that I know that isn’t possible.  T understood this fear and said that it doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, fears are fears and feelings are what they are – they don’t have to make sense.  She seemed to understand this and said again, it is just more evidence of how much I have been taught to look after her and put her needs first and that obviously going against that so much would bring on these fears.  She said I was taught growing up to keep her good and happy otherwise death was possible.  Even writing that sounds stupid but I hope some of my readers might understand this somehow.

Conversation changed towards the end of the session and I spoke about 2 examples of arguments I have had in the past with my mother. I told her the details of the stories which I won’t go into here but one of them resulted in her not speaking to me (or her husband) for 3 weeks and that was whilst I lived at home. I said it was horrible and she seemed quite shocked.  The other story, she told me if I left a party she held that she would never, ever throw a party again – I told T that I DID leave and she didn’t ever throw a party again until a year ago.  T said “she made you very powerful in that didn’t she?” I said yes.  I spoke more about how these two events happened surrounded by her friends and by our family and that this is why everyone thinks so badly of me. She cries and becomes a victim and everyone only ever seems to see me when I have had enough and I get angry and respond either with words or by refusing to do what she wants and that this is why they think I am bad.

T said I know it is hard, but it doesn’t matter what these people think. They are her flying monkeys – people that associate with her that are either scared of her, just like her themselves or just only see little bits, not enough to get the full picture I said I knew all of this and that I know it shouldn’t matter what they think of me but it still does – it still infuriates me.  I told T that I had a dream the other night of someone hiding a knife in my purse or bag and that everyone thought I was dangerous but it really wasn’t me – she said that dream was pretty symbolic of being made to look like the baddy. I agreed.

I can’t remember much more of the session but I left feeling okay and I feel fine today too which is nice. But… it is on my mind that tomorrow afternoon is my last session for 19 days including weekends and that obviously isn’t a nice thought….. we haven’t discussed ways to help me through the break with transitional objects or voice recordings etc and I am worried it is now too late. I am debating sending an email today asking for something but I feel so stupid doing this (despite the fact I would encourage anyone else to do this!!!!).

 

 

 

Feeling unwell before session

I woke up feeling sick this morning, I had a bad tummy and woke up well before my alarm. As I posted earlier I linked this so my session tonight (rightly or wrongly). 

It’s now 6pm and I’ve had an upset stomach all day. It feels like it’s in knots and all weird… 

I’ve just got on the train home and the sick feeling came back and I feel panic and like I could cry. I also have the feeling I don’t want to drive and I don’t want to go. 
Has anyone else had this before?? What is it? I’ve never felt like this about going therapy before in nearly 3 years! 

Last week before break (Number 2)

So this is my last week at T’s before her two-week break. Needless to say I’m not looking forward to it.

I’ve woken up feeling sick this morning. It’s all in my tummy and all I really wanted to do was stay home from work and sleep but I can’t, so here I am on the train.

I’ve said it before but it’s probably not a coincidence that I feel like this on a Tuesday – it’s like my body clock taps me into stuff now in readiness to take to T. It’s a shame it can’t wait until 7.30pm rather than make me feel like this all day!

So two sessions. I’m pretty sure I will be all non-eventful and adult and perhaps eventually cry. I am dreading her asking me “how are you feeling about the break?” Because there doesn’t seem to ever be a right answer.

If I say I am dreading it or if I cry then I feel embarrassed and childish – she will tell me she’s coming back which the adult part of me already knows, and then I feel like an idiot….

Or I say I haven’t got many feelings about it yet or that it’s fine and she doesn’t believe me.

So what do you do with that? Last time she took a break, only 6 or 7 weeks ago I cried in our last session and the first few days she was gone was awful. I think I’m scared of feeling that way again. I told T this a while ago but she said just because it happened once doesn’t mean it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy……. does that mean I shouldn’t feel that again?

I think I’m angry somewhere. I think the churning stomach is angry. I could very easily cry and very easily have an almighty strop… I can feel it.

I don’t like this shitty therapy stuff today. I’ve had enough of it all. It’s nothing but pain and tears and anger and frustration and embarrassment and patheticness.

I hate it.

Another thing I hate is that she says she will “hold me in mind” and that she will think of me, that I’m not forgotten. But I am. I know I am. She makes me feel stupid for not believing her but I just don’t. I bet she is trying to be kind and she is saying all the right things, but I’m not a kid, like I honestly believe she is going to be on a beach somewhere  or wherever she’s going thinking about her 29 year old patient …. I don’t think so.

She won’t MISS me. The break will be a welcomed rest to her … I feel pacified. There there *pats head*. It would be like me having two weeks off work and telling a colleague I’ll miss them … (I won’t! But I might say it to be nice).

I don’t want to go tonight now. I want to hide. I can’t even pretend I’m sick because she already knows that I would be hiding or angry… she won’t believe me anyway.  She asked me the other week what I did when I was angry with my boyfriend and I said I would probably spend time away from him – out of the house so she said that when I’m angry with her I’ll probably not want to come – damn it! Why did I tell her that?

What a crock of absolute shit.

Being angry isn’t really something I do very well in therapy and I’ve never felt very angry with T. My rational mind is telling me I am not angry with her and my childish mind is saying I am.

Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother

Does anyone else who has ended up in therapy to be told by their therapist that they are the daughter of a narsisstic mother, ever wonder, just for a moment… 

Could they be wrong? 
What if they are wrong? 
Maybe ive exaggerated things? 

How much proof do you need? How much time needs to go past before you truly accept it in your heart and soul?