It’s Bank Holiday Monday today, about 12.30 in the afternoon and I am writing this because I am feeling fed up, angry and a whole load of things that I can’t quite put my finger on.
The feelings crept in about 10.30am this morning and are linked to the fact that we are going to my mother’s house for lunch in an hour’s time.
I got the invite last night and felt like I had to accept because we haven’t seen her since Mother’s Day and because if we don’t go today, it will have to be very soon and going in the daytime for lunch is probably a lot safer than going in the evening where there would be drunken conversations like last time.
Anyway. It started whilst I was doing my hair. I stared playing out possible scenarios, my nan saying things like “did you get your mum something for Easter?” Or “mum says….[fill in the blanks]”… instantly after that it all went downhill.
I looked in my mirror and felt really ugly. My skin isn’t looking good. My hair wasn’t going right. I didn’t know what to wear and was feeling torn between making an effort so that nobody comments on me but equally not wanting to make any effort because I didn’t feel like it and because it probably wouldn’t make any difference anyway.
I told my boyfriend I wasn’t feeling good (I think he could tell as I was huffing and puffing like a steam train) and he asked if it was because we were going to my mum’s. I said I think so.
I told him that I struggle when my nan says things on behalf of my mum and I struggle to stay calm and bite my tongue. He said you have to and I was like “I bloody know that!! Aghhh”!! But it’s so hard. He pulled me over for a cuddle and I burst out crying which he knew would happen and so did I.
And now here we are…. with no more than about half an hour to go and I still feel shit. Headachy, sick… nervous, dread… isn’t that an awful way to feel about seeing your family. It’s sad. Contrasted massively with the fact we spent the last two days with my boyfriend’s parents who are the sweetest. I brought his mum some flowers and his dad an Easter egg, we went for dinner, it was peaceful and relaxing. I haven’t got my mum (or anyone else) anything and I feel I should buy I don’t want to.
Oh well. What can I do? I just have to go and get it over with.