Last week before break (Number 2) 

So this is my last week at T’s before her two-week break. Needless to say I’m not looking forward to it.

I’ve woken up feeling sick this morning. It’s all in my tummy and all I really wanted to do was stay home from work and sleep but I can’t, so here I am on the train.

I’ve said it before but it’s probably not a coincidence that I feel like this on a Tuesday – it’s like my body clock taps me into stuff now in readiness to take to T. It’s a shame it can’t wait until 7.30pm rather than make me feel like this all day!

So two sessions. I’m pretty sure I will be all non-eventful and adult and perhaps eventually cry. I am dreading her asking me “how are you feeling about the break?” Because there doesn’t seem to ever be a right answer.

If I say I am dreading it or if I cry then I feel embarrassed and childish – she will tell me she’s coming back which the adult part of me already knows, and then I feel like an idiot….

Or I say I haven’t got many feelings about it yet or that it’s fine and she doesn’t believe me.

So what do you do with that? Last time she took a break, only 6 or 7 weeks ago I cried in our last session and the first few days she was gone was awful. I think I’m scared of feeling that way again. I told T this a while ago but she said just because it happened once doesn’t mean it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy……. does that mean I shouldn’t feel that again?

I think I’m angry somewhere. I think the churning stomach is angry. I could very easily cry and very easily have an almighty strop… I can feel it.

I don’t like this shitty therapy stuff today. I’ve had enough of it all. It’s nothing but pain and tears and anger and frustration and embarrassment and patheticness.

I hate it.

Another thing I hate is that she says she will “hold me in mind” and that she will think of me, that I’m not forgotten. But I am. I know I am. She makes me feel stupid for not believing her but I just don’t. I bet she is trying to be kind and she is saying all the right things, but I’m not a kid, like I honestly believe she is going to be on a beach somewhere  or wherever she’s going thinking about her 29 year old patient …. I don’t think so.

She won’t MISS me. The break will be a welcomed rest to her … I feel pacified. There there *pats head*. It would be like me having two weeks off work and telling a colleague I’ll miss them … (I won’t! But I might say it to be nice).

I don’t want to go tonight now. I want to hide. I can’t even pretend I’m sick because she already knows that I would be hiding or angry… she won’t believe me anyway.  She asked me the other week what I did when I was angry with my boyfriend and I said I would probably spend time away from him – out of the house so she said that when I’m angry with her I’ll probably not want to come – damn it! Why did I tell her that?

What a crock of absolute shit.

Being angry isn’t really something I do very well in therapy and I’ve never felt very angry with T. My rational mind is telling me I am not angry with her and my childish mind is saying I am.

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8 thoughts on “Last week before break (Number 2) 

  1. Oh my lovely it’s horrible I know. I look at it in a softer way, your feelings are just building up and the emotional pressure is increasing, it would be great for you if you could let it out today. Sounds like you need that release. And it’s ok to want to hear the kind things from her, regardless if part of you already knows it, the point is part of you needs reassurance, and that’s important xx

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    1. I agree. I can feel I need a good cry, I so want to go home and hide under a blanket. I’m tempted to ask for half a day’s holiday so I can do just that but I don’t want to waste yet more holiday on me needing to hide at home / I’ve already used loads that way and it’s only April. X

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  2. Sounds like you’re angry to me. Doesn’t matter where it comes from, it is there. That resonates with me because I get angry with my T when she is going away. It is of course irrational, but I still feel it. Last time she was going, I did manage to tell her I was angry she was taking a break. That was scary and hard, but it actually helped that she heard it. Otherwise I would’ve just been left acting it out and that’s a horrible place to be. I hope it goes OK for you. Laura

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      1. It was scary! I guess I managed it because I phrased it more like I was angry with the event than with her – I said something like ‘I am angry that you’re going’. She was fine about it. I think she was actually quite pleased, she’s always trying to get me to voice anger. She just said she could understand how I would feel that way and asked me a little more about what the anger felt like etc. She always handles what I’d call criticism easily. It never really feels confrontational.

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  3. Our therapists can be everything to us. They can hold a place of supreme importance. When they go on breaks and vacations it reminds us that they have a life that we are not part of. And this can make us angry. Hoping you get through this better than last time.

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