Apologies, enmeshment & estrangement

I’ve been very busy at work today so I haven’t thought much about everything with my mum which is a welcomed break. I saw T last night and then dreamt about her, which was a pleasant change from the awful anxiety-inducing dreams I have been having most nights, although my mum was still in the dream a little bit.

In it, T had given me her gold watch to borrow and I was very touched that she trusted me with it. I wore it around my neck (don’t ask how that is possible) to make sure I didn’t lose it. We then sat at her computer inside her actual house and were mucking around doing something, we took a selfie and T laughed really hard and loud. Her children were in the house but not with us. We went 15 minutes over our session time and I was very happy with that.

Later in the dream I was at a party and there were lots of people my age there who I did not recognise, they were all friends with my mother. I was later speaking in a kitchen with my sister and my mother walked past and I debated ducking down and hiding at the side of the fridge so that she didn’t see me, but then decided I would look pathetic if she saw me hiding and so I stood firm (but was really hoping she didn’t come in the room or see me.

In my real session last night, I gave T her Christmas card and gift. I wrote in her card that I wished her a very happy Christmas and NY and said that ‘thank you’ would never seem enough. I also wrote a short note about what rose quartz symbolised and how it felt really relevant to give to her. I guess that the dream of her lending me her gold watch is related to that somehow. Perhaps I would like her to give me something (not necessarily buy, but give) so that I could feel connected to her. I guess that must be what it is about although I do already have Frank. As for the bit with my mother, that isn’t hard to work out because my mother is always befriending people my age and getting new friends which used to make me very jealous – why could she enjoy their company so much but not mine?

I have been reading a lot about enmeshment the last few days. I have gained a deeper understanding of how enmeshed my relationship with my mother was. Despite 3 years with T and reading all the books on narcissism that touch on enmeshment, I truly did think me and my mother ‘used to be close’… it sounds ridiculous to write now, but it was only really yesterday that I *really* understood we were never close. Never. We were truly enmeshed. I read an article which summed that up so well, it said things like ‘If you think you and your mother are best friends, if you tell her absolutely everything, if you run every decision by her, if you two share clothing, if you only feel okay about a decision if you know she would approve of it‘…etc etc and I was like *lightbulb moment*. Another step in the recovery.

It made me think, she thinks we used to be close and then I met my fiancé who took me away from her (and now blames T for this for brainwashing me) but really it’s because 3 years ago (coincidentally the same time I met my fiancé), I started seeing T and disconnected from my mother psychologically. I distanced myself emotionally – and soon after, I also moved further away geographically. Anyway, she probably thinks that if I was to “stop going over the past” (read if I stopped mentioning my childhood abuse), we could be ‘close’ again. She doesn’t understand that will never happen and it made me think, if she knew she wouldn’t want me back in her life anyway. She wouldn’t be happy with our relationship any other way and she will, I know for certain, always blame my fiancé for that (as well as T now it seems). She will take that with her to the grave I am certain.

Writing this reminded me that a year or so ago I was at her house, drinking with her as I did and said something nasty, she said to her husband “there’s our TT!” and then went on to say how I am not myself these days and THAT is what she isn’t happy with my fiancé about….. now I realise what she meant was, “that sounds more like me!” – isn’t that sad or maybe sick? Both?

This isn’t really related but I also remembered that only several months ago, she was saying how she hopes my sister’s boyfriend CRIED when she told him she was very upset with him for something he had done. She went on to say that she, and this is a quote. “Made all my men cry” and only then would she feel they had been suitably punished. She said if they didn’t cry, she would keep going. I told her there and then that she was sick – she shouldn’t have to reduce a man to tears to accept an apology off them. She laughed. She knew what she was saying was ridiculous and sick…or she found it funny. I don’t know. That’s all about humiliation right? Or propping up her ego?

Anyway, the fact is that we were never close really and the only way that “closeness” could come back is if I forgot everything I had learnt and went back to being the fake me who went there every weekend for drinks, who slagged everyone off and took her advice on every aspect of my life. In the process I would lose my fiancé and stepkids and my real self. So that’s not going to happen. RIP enmeshed me.

I’ve realised a lot this week that I focus far too much on what SHE might be feeling and what SHE might be thinking or saying. I realise I need to take the focus off of her and put it back on to myself. How am I feeling, what do I want? I questioned why I do that and I think it’s because I was conditioned to put her before myself and I was conditioned by fear. I needed to be one step ahead and suss out what she would be needing or thinking. I have to remind myself constantly, that’s not the case any more.

T told me last night that nothing can happen now. That I can say at any time I need more time or I have nothing to say… I told her I’m petrified of what comes next and when and how I’ll next hear something.

T said something like “what about giving yourself permission to stop that worry and just know that you’ll survive it whatever way it comes?” I kinda went into shock… errr sorry what? Is that an option? Is that possible? It all sounds so simple doesn’t it? But she’s right of course.

I told T that part of me feels guilty that I ignored/didn’t respond to her message. T asked me why and I said “because she meant it nicely”. T seemed surprised and questioned me “did she?”. I said “well yes, if someone sent that surely it’s meant in a nice way?” T said I was confusing normal people with a narcissist. I smiled sadly.

I read T my latest letter and made a joke about how it was letter 5000. T said to keep writing, that it gets the feelings out. I told T that whilst I had written in the letter that i needed an apology. I didn’t want to spoon-feed her with what to do. T asked me what I would do if I sent it and my Mum then said she was sorry? I said well, I would ask her what exactly she was sorry for to see if she had any idea but also said to T that I knew my mother would be very much like “you wanted an apology. You’ve got one – take it or leave it” and I would have to leave it

And so I realised (again) that I’ll never get a genuine apology. Even if she said the word sorry it wouldn’t be what I need it to be. I told T that I’m limited on how much I can handle that fact.

T said to me “If you never want to see your mother again you don’t have to. It’s not even like you could have a limited relationship doing something together you enjoy, because there isn’t anything is there?”.

She is right. I told T I want to say to her “what you want is a mini-you and I am not like you anymore.” She would deny it of course, but that IS what she wants.

It’s unfamiliar ground right now. I’ve never had this much space from her before. I’ve not had social media for about 3 weeks so I can’t see what she’s up to (which is a relief) and she can’t see what I’m up to (which is an ever bigger relief). I’ve not seen anyone that we are both close with so there’s been nobody to pass things between us…. I’ve ignored a message from her and I’ve never done that before. It’s brand new and it feels weird. Not bad though.

You would think the longer this goes on, the more I would miss her or want to fix things but the opposite is true. The longer this goes on the more I realise it can’t be fixed.

Did I really see my mother for the last time 6 weeks ago? Is that it forever?

When I left her house that night, I left angry, crying, shaking, scared and relieved but I never thought it was the absolute end. The beginning of NC. Of being estranged. But I think I am.

I’m not hugely sad by the way, I’m not sure how this reads? It’s more disbelief!

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Another letter to Mum

(Not sent. Spontaneously typed on the train home).

Mum,

I’m writing this letter to you in response to your text on Friday.

I thought I should explain my feelings so that you understand why I am keeping the distance that I am.

You already know how I feel so I won’t go into detail about it again. I told you 3 years ago, I told you 6 weeks ago and again in the texts we exchanged a few days after that night.

I am not keeping distance because I am angry and hate you. However I do have some anger towards you.

The reason I am keeping my distance is as simple as this: whilst you are unable or unwilling to accept my pain, take some responsibility for it and apologise for that pain, I am stuck in that anger and can’t see a way for us to have a happy and healthy relationship.

Until I am no longer so hurt and angry, arguments like 3 years ago and 6 weeks ago will repeat themselves. And what’s more, the more you fail to respond in the way I need you to, the angrier I get and the probability is, the more regular those arguments will happen.

That isn’t fair on either of us.

So for me, until I feel differently I am trying to see how I can get rid of some of that pain and anger on my own. Without you doing that.

I haven’t yet given up the hope that you will have some sudden epiphany and see my pain for what it is: genuine sadness and not anything else like, baring a grudge or aggressiveness which is how I feel you see it. I don’t think you hurt me intentionally, but you did hurt me.

You can’t help the way you feel and you are completely entitled to your feelings of course: as am I. At the moment our feelings are too far apart.

I cannot push this under the rug any more. Mum, I have done that my whole life and I refuse to do so any longer.

I am sorry if you are sad or hurt, but so am I. This isn’t revenge just me being, once again, 100% honest.

So now you know how I feel.

Please do not respond unless you can offer me what I need because It will be pointless. I have thought long and hard about this letter and I mean what I say in it.

I do hope you have a nice Christmas.

A hair, a flood and a haunting

Last night I had another weird dream. It really annoys me that even when I go to sleep I can have dreams that keep me so anxious.  In last night’s dream my mother had emailed me to say she loved me (like she did in real life Friday night) and I had ignored it (like I have in real life).  What followed a few days later was another email which said something along the lines of “However….” and then went on to say that she needed me to sort out a hotel booking that I had made on their behalf because it was currently I my name. The “whatever” was meant to mean, I do love you BUT…..

I went to the hotel to try to sort out whatever the problem was but whilst I was there I had a sandwich and found a clump of hair in it, I tried to sleep in a bed whilst the room was haunted and the ghost threw toilet roll around it and I was petrified AND the sea had flooded a room and there was a leak from the ceiling.

Later in the dream I went to wake my fiancé up but he was sleeping at the bottom of a bed that my mother and her husband were asleep in so I had to be really quiet not to wake them.

I looked up the dream meaning for finding hair in your food, food and haunted room and found this:

To dream that there is hair in your food means that you are entangled in some emotional matter which you are not sure about how to get out of

To dream about being haunted indicates early unpleasant experiences and feelings that still haunt you.

If you dream about a flood, more likely than not you have recently felt overwhelmed in your life by something (or someone) that seemed like an uncontrollable force – one which left you feeling somewhat helpless, at their mercy, and victimized.

I guess that makes sense really.  I am clearly entangled in an emotional matter that I am not sure how to get out of, early experiences and feelings DO still haunt me and I guess the whole situation has made me feel a bit overwhelmed – although not at their mercy.  Perhaps that is why it was only one room that was being flooded and not the whole hotel. I think the dream shows my unconscious worries about having not responded to her text.  Perhaps I unconsciously think that not replying will lead to some disasters.

I feel pretty much the same as yesterday today, despite the dream but I did wake up feeling something.. I’m not sure what.  I had a few tears this morning, I just felt I needed to release them, I didn’t really have many conscious thoughts to accompany them. Just felt a bit sad I guess.  It snowed all day today so we went out for a walk in the snow, threw snowballs and made snow people (political correctness at its finest)! When we got home I felt the need to cry again, just a tiny bit, not a lot but I didn’t really have the space at the time so I didn’t.

I was scrolling through Instagram earlier though and my sister had put a photo on of her, my mother and stepdad all wearing scarfs and hats clearly in the snow.  The three of them were smiling.  The photo did have an effect on me, but I’m not sure what exactly. It wasn’t jealousy, I didn’t wish I was there with them, but it was odd. I guess because it is the first photo of my mum I’ve had to see in a while since I deleted my Facebook account.

A few hours ago my fiancé sat down next to me on the sofa and said “So, shall we talk about it?” I had been waiting and hoping we would but didn’t want to bring it up because I feel it is all I talk about lately! I told him as much.  He asked me how I was feeling about it all and I told him pretty much what I wrote here yesterday.  I said that I had some guilt about not replying – whether or  not I should.  That I still hadn’t let go of the need for her to take accountability and apologise – even though I knew that won’t happen.  I said that my reality is still that nothing has changed.  That 6 weeks passing didn’t make anything better or hurt less.  I still need an apology.

I explained to him that until she takes some responsibility for her mistakes and apologises to me, I am stuck in this angry place and I can’t have a healthy or enjoyable relationship with her whilst I feel that way.  It really is as simple as that.  Nothing really that I haven’t written here already.

He said that the fact is, before I started therapy 3 years ago, I was enmeshed with my mother which is why I told her absolutely everything, why I asked her what to do about everything and why I couldn’t imagine surviving life without her.  He said that starting therapy 3 years ago enabled me to separate from my mother in the way that children separate from their parents as a normal childhood development stage and that it was normal and natural the way I separated from her but because of the way she is, because of her narcissism it was a narcissistic wounding for her and she had to find reasons that I had done that (which obviously couldn’t be her) and so she blamed my fiancé.  He must be controlling and manipulative.  Fast-forward to now and it’s my therapist’s fault for brainwashing me.

He said that despite this, I was only 29 years old, that we were getting married next year, that we had built a lovely family together with his children and we had our house and our love etc. He said to me that if I hadn’t got myself to therapy, I may not have been released from the unhealthy enmeshment with my mother until the day she died, which could have been when I was in my 60s! I agreed and said I had thought this many times. I’ve read so many forums where people in their 50s or 60s had just realised they had a narcissistic mother (or father) and how grateful it made me that I had found this out whilst I was young enough not to let it take over my entire adult life. Thank God. We both agree that we wouldn’t have worked out if I hadn’t got this help, I would have been too triggered, insecure and jealous over things with his ex-wife and his children and I wouldn’t have enjoyed the security of a happy relationship the way that I am (thankfully) able to now. He basically said, “I know it is hard now, but it is so worth it for the rest of your life”.  Boy is he right.

I admitted that when the guilt comes it is normally because I imagine my mother upset and think that because of the narcissism, because she has a personality disorder, I feel sorry for her not understanding what she has done wrong, what she needs to apologise for… for feeling confused and upset that she’s “lost me” (obviously she might not feel any of those things!).  He couldn’t really understand that, he just said I had nothing to feel sorry for her about.

I said that I didn’t miss her – not her, her as a person but I was sad of course that I’ve lost my mother. As in, the archetype, the figure, the role.  That is so sad.  It just helps that the word mother, and my mother’s face in my mind are beginning to be separate and different things now.  No longer is that child’s craving for a mother about HER.  Does that make sense to anyone?

I told him what I said here yesterday, normally I am dying for a way to fix it all, to make it all go away and be better but I am not this time. I guess that is because I can’t un-know what I now know.  It can’t ever be “fixed” or “better”.

I don’t like not knowing what will happen next, that makes me fearful I think.. or something like that. I think that is what the dreams are about. What happens next? Will she start telling people her version of events? Will the flying monkeys contact me soon and start to pass on messages about her and what she is thinking and feeling? Will she directly contact my fiancé or something? I just don’t know and I don’t like that….. I’ve had it easy so far really I guess as she didn’t tell anyone and she didn’t contact me until Friday for 6 weeks. Ignoring her declaration of love may possibly change that.

I think Christmas will be hard for me.. I wouldn’t rather be there at her house, but being with my fiancé’s kids and parents for the entirety will hammer home that I don’t have that. There’s something about Christmas that makes that harder but having said that, I felt the same the last few Christmases’ and she was in my life.. I saw her… so really what difference does it make? It’s just that whole belief that the day itself is all about love and family when in reality, is that day any different from any other? really? Probably not.

On the note of actual Christmas, I haven’t bought her or my stepdad a Christmas present or card and that makes me uneasy.  Isn’t that crazy? Why would I have done? In the back of my head I keep thinking “I should get something just in case…”  how ridiculous is that? It just goes to show more fear in me doesn’t it? More fear that if somehow, by some miracle I saw them and had no material present to give, that she would be angry and I would feel awful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I smell a rat

I’m not sure what I am thinking or feeling right now. I am hoping that just sitting down to write will help me tap into my unconscious and help me to figure it out.

As per my post last night, written in a hurried and frenzied state, my mother finally broke the silence and sent me a message. She sent it at twenty to eleven on a Friday night which would mean she would have been drinking for several hours by that point. I know this because my mother spends EVERY Friday and Saturday night drinking. Before I wised up, I used to go there every Friday and drink with her as she verbally tore me apart or told me what to do about my latest life drama. I was totally enmeshed and felt I needed her for my very survival. Probably still stuck in the child feelings I guess? I wasn’t being my true self, I wasn’t being ME, I was using a fake persona, I had tried to be more like her. I didn’t realise at the time that is what I was doing, but hey, hindsight and all.

I read her message by accident. I was already talking on WhatsApp to someone else when her message came through and I clicked on it without even realising until I read the words and then my heart fell. I panicked. I freaked out big time. I burst into tears, my head hurt, I felt a surge of sadness, anger and guilt all at once and felt like my head could explode. I’m not even exaggerating. The tears oddly stopped rather quickly and I felt numb. I tried to work out how I was feeling and numb was all I could tap into.

The thoughts and observations that ran through my mind were things like – She said she loves me! She said she misses me! Then, still no accountability or apology… She’s probably drunk and playing the victim crying to her enabling husband… If I don’t reply now she’s seen I’ve read it, I’ll look bad and give her more to play on. Eugh. Why now? I don’t want to deal with this.

Something else I couldn’t help but think about was that I finally made the decision to spend Xmas Day with my fiancé’s parents – a decision I’ve written about recently that I’ve been putting off and off for the entire 6 weeks me and my mother didn’t speak. I had to fight a lot of guilt and fear to get to that stage and the very day I make the choice, she texts. Total coincidence I know, but feels like she has a camera on me or something. That isn’t the first time I’ve said, felt or written that either.  It’s scary. It’s like they can sense when we move a bit further away or something and they know when their contact will make the most significant impact.

I put my phone on the floor, on some clothes so it didn’t vibrate and wake me up should she text again and fell asleep.  I had a dream and I can only remember the main thing in it was a rat. I seem to remember I was sat on a bench with my youngest stepson and I could hear a noise but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I looked down and there was a rat nibbling away at something and I freaked out!! Later in the dream I was somewhere else and paranoid and looking out for possible rats. I am a big believer in hidden messages in dreams, I do think if you pay attention to them, you can see what your less conscious thoughts are, so I looked up the meaning of dreaming about rats and the general consensus is about a person’s character being sneaky or betraying you somehow.

The first thing to think about is whether you or someone you know is behaving unethically in a situation in your life,” suggests O’Connor. “You often hear the expression that someone is a ‘rat,’ meaning he is untrustworthy or has betrayed someone.

What do rats represent to me? Well, I am scared of them – just like my mother.

I was paranoid there would be rats around me – Possibly a symbol of my fear of seeing my mother around.

I wasn’t aware of the rat being there until I heard it and spotted it – a bit like how I felt last night when that text came through totally unexpectedly.

Anyway, moving on from my dream. How do I feel about it today? I genuinely don’t know. I haven’t had much time to think about it all as the kids are here but I feel better than I thought I would. I feel better than I think I would have done a few weeks ago. The instant reaction was that I was triggered instantly into wanting to believe her words.  Her saying she loved and missed me being things I’ve spent forever wanting to hear, feel and believe. The other instant trigger was guilt. Guilt that she was upset, guilt that she would know I had read her message and ignored it… guilt knowing that would upset her further.

Then more rational thinking kicked in where I was annoyed that the message only spoke about her. “I” miss you and “I” love you.  I wished there had been some accountability and an apology but I do know logically that is never going to happen.  I guess there is still a part of me that can’t quite let that go.

There was a bit of anger that this is what she does. No matter how big the row, or how severe the topic, it is always swept under the rug and never dealt with. Okay, so the love you, miss you thing is a new tactic, but it doesn’t deal with the reason we aren’t speaking does it. It doesn’t offer some kind of resolution or attempt at apologising… it feels to me like it’s undertone is “Just so you know, it is you that is creating the silence and distance, I am still here for you and still love and miss you”…… I don’t know if she realises that or whether it is unconscious but that is how it feels. It’s clever because I did instantly think to myself “So she wasn’t not talking to me…. it was just me not speaking to her was it?” but I know that isn’t true.

I’ve questioned why has it taken 6 weeks for her to send that? I have believed for a while now that she didn’t think I would be able to stick to it for long and that I would “come running back”.  Maybe she thought it would be eating me alive not speaking to her and I would either apologise or try to sweep it all under the rug like she does – and I’ve done neither thing.  Perhaps it is in attempt at resolving things (ignoring things) as Xmas is closing in on us.

I guess that for her she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong, doesn’t think she needs to apologise for anything and so saying she loves and misses me is all she can do.  Perhaps it helps her to sleep at night thinking that it is ME that is choosing to ignore and hurt her. Choosing to reject her love.  I am being the bad, grudge-baring daughter who has been brainwashed my her fiancé and her therapist.. who has “so much bad feeling” towards her for no reason that there is nothing more she can do other than to send the occasional message of love so that I know she’s still there for me, when I’ve stopped this ridiculousness and woken up to the reality that she is in fact, perfect and a great mother.

I’ll admit that there is a bit of me today that is thinking, if I ignore this message, that will really upset her, yes, but it will shock her. I’ve NEVER been able to ignore a sign of love or affection from her. If I shock her enough, perhaps it will force her to look at herself harder or make her realise that I really am going to need an apology and that I really am not going to come running back apologising.  I hate myself for thinking like that because I know that narcissists cannot empathise and that they are unable to be accountable or genuinely apologise.  I mean, surely a normal mother would be able to look back and say, I should have done better, I have regrets and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to make it up to my child? Or is that me living in a fantasy land? I never really know.

Imagining ignoring a message of love from my mother would have sent me spiralling a while ago. There is definite improvement in that I don’t feel full of fear today…. but I am not entirely comfortable with the fact I haven’t replied.

So, what happens next?

What do I want to do about it? As a few people said last night, I need to take my time with this and let things percolate a bit. I know that. My fiancé told me to do whatever I really want to do.  He said “I know it isn’t as simple as this, but if you want to text her, then text her and if you don’t? then don’t!”.  He then asked me outright, do you want to? and I said no.  So for now, not responding is my choice of action.  Who knows how I might feel in hours, days or weeks.

I’ve written it a million times already, but the only way I see the possibility of having a relationship with her is her admitting she fucked up and her apologising genuinely.  Being truly remorseful. So without that, there really isn’t any relationship left. Her not taking accountability or apologising and validating my lifetime of grief, pain and rejection leaves me stuck in anger with her. Anger that I can sometimes hide and sometimes attack her with.  It wouldn’t be an enjoyable or healthy relationship for either one of us.

This happened 3 years ago. It happened again 6 weeks ago. Next time I fear it would happen much, much quicker, days or weeks perhaps.  I am much less able to tolerate it than I was then. I’ve done a lot more healing than I had then.  I was stuck in a deeper level of fear then. Saying that, visualising being sat at her house with her and her twat of a husband makes me feel sick – so there’s a long way to go.

The thing I find confusing and surprising is that normally a resolution would fill me with joy and hope and I don’t feel either of those things with her. It sounds utterly selfish but if I got that validation, acceptance and apology, it wouldn’t make me happy that I could now rebuild a relationship with her, it would be for the child inside me. It feels like it would enable my healing process to speed up – I know that isn’t necessarily true – but since when were feelings ever logical hey?

If you’ve made it this far without wanting to shout and scream at me “You stupid girl! She will never do thatttttt!!” then I take my metaphorical hat off to you because I am sure I would have lost patience by now.  Thank you for reading and supporting me through this, it’s a relief to be able to write here and not be judged.

TT x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HELP: She’s just text me

“Darling, I just want to say I am missing you and I love you”

This is what has this minute arrived on my phone from my mother. 6 weeks tomorrow since we stopped talking.

Probably needless to say, I am now absolutely balling my eyes out.

Fucking hell! Now what? What do I do?

What do I say?

I feel horrendous like my head is about to explode!

T’s gift 💝

T’s xmas gift has arrived. I’m really happy with it. What do you think?

I am going to write her a card to go with it and thank her for everything she does. The gift feels small and cheap enough to not be rejected or make her question my motives, yet thoughtful and sentimental enough to be special.

I smile every time I see it, maybe I should buy myself one too ha!

Last night’s dream

Stayed at T’s in her spare room. I was packing my stuff up, was kind of hiding as wasn’t sure whether to come out or if anyone else was there.

I was packing my things into one big bag that was easier to carry for my long journey than the separate ones I had with me.

I made the beds and found a teddy reindeer down the side and then found a child’s phone on charge. It had a dinosaur on the screen. I thought it was her grandson’s.

I had coat hangers, clothes, my teddies and shoes to pack.

T was listening to ‘crybaby’ by Paloma Faith. I could hear it from the room. I turned the light off in case anyone saw I was there through the crack in the door.

Later

In a pub and a man and a young boy were in the corner: the man didn’t seem to even notice the little boy and the boy looked very sad. After a while of watching him, he dropped something so I said ‘oops you’ve dropped your (whatever it was) and he smiled and looked at me and started talking to me. He was cute.

Let You Down (Lyrics)

I heard this song the other day and felt so drawn to them. Some of the words are so spot on.  On the way back from T’s tonight I played this over and over again on repeat.

Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment
Doing everything I can, I don’t wanna make you disappointed
It’s annoying
I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn’t ever tryna make an issue for you
But, I guess the more you
Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I’ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you
Very loyal?
Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife into my hands before
What else should I carry for you?
I cared for you, but

Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

Yeah, you don’t wanna make this work
You just wanna make this worse
Want me to listen to you
But you don’t ever hear my words
You don’t wanna know my hurt, yet
Let me guess you want an apology, probably
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can’t, so I guess I’ma have to leave
Please don’t come after me
I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all
Go ahead, just drink it off
Both know you’re gonna call to mom like nothing’s wrong
Ain’t that what you always do?
I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood
What else can I offer you?
There’s nothing left right now, I gave it all to you

Yeah, don’t talk down to me
That’s not gonna work now
Packed all my clothes and I moved out
I don’t even wanna go to your house
Everytime I sit on that couch
I feel like you lecture me
Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work
And probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I’m a letdown
But it’s cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let’s put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn’t even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you’re happy

Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, I let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
And I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, let you down

I’m sorry
I’m so sorry now
I’m sorry
That I let you down

 

Still down

I had a dream last night that me and my fiancé were out shopping and I spotted my mother and stepfather. We ran trying to hide so they didn’t see us, but they did and they followed us and finally caught us outside a fish shop.

My stepdad did the speaking. I can’t remember words now but generally I was nervous and awkward and he was angry.

I woke up from that feeling sad. I then remembered my day yesterday and didn’t want to get out of bed and go back to the new place. Just to top it all off, I went to put the hall light on and the bulb blew which blew all the fuses and so every single light in the house went off. I had to shower and get ready using the torch on my phone. I mean, come on, give a girl a break!

I’ve thought more since yesterday and I do think something has triggered something in me deeper than just the team leader leaving. After all, I’ve only known her a week. To have cried twice seems a bit extreme. It’s more the feeling that nobody is talking to me (or each other), that nobody seems to be managing things properly and trying to help me settle in. I’ve even emailed about having a desk assessment three times with no response and I’ve told them I have lower back pain.

I have T’s tonight which I’m really glad about. Last week was the first time I had one session instead of two and it felt okay at the time but now feels like a million years since I’ve seen her. I’m sure once I’ve seen her she will make me feel better and less helpless, which is clearly how I’m feeling now. Powerless or something, something like that anyway.

What happened to the happy me from Friday who was confident and wearing jeans and natural curly hair?

There’s added pressure with her leaving as we were meant to be sharing out some big projects and now they will be down to me. That makes me nervous. Also, those projects aren’t what I thought I’d be dealing with, it isn’t really the sort of work I was expecting to do, it feels more like a financial role than a legal PA role… then I second guess myself, does it matter?

Let’s see what today brings.

Bad day

I’ve had a crap day at work today. I’m not entirely sure why I’ve spiralled off into such sadness but basically I got to work today and by 10am my new team leader announced she had just resigned.

I was totally shocked. I just didn’t see it coming – why would I? I’ve only been there a week! She just gave no clues I suppose, we had spoken lots about work we would do in the future and how we would share tasks and stuff…. she recruited me.. I don’t know I was just shocked.

Anyway. Nobody really reacted other than to say “oh”… that was it.

By lunch time I felt thoroughly miserable. My new team don’t seem to speak at all, even when I sneeze nobody says bless you. It’s pretty much silent. The lawyers sit in glass offices and they are all as miserable as sin. I haven’t even met half my new bosses because they have been “too busy”… by lunch time I went out and cried. I felt so disappointed with how things felt.

This afternoon wasn’t much better. Nobody is speaking to me or asking me to lunch or giving me training…. all of a sudden I felt totally gutted. By the time I got home I cried again. I am sitting here now with my second glass of wine and thinking I could give it another week or so and then leave with a week’s notice and start again next year. I don’t want to have to do that, obviously, but I can’t handle things the way they are now and I’m so very disappointed. I was so excited about this new place.

On Friday I felt quite pleased with my progress but that was all my doing. I was asking to do stuff, I was asking for help and trying things… I have asked for training… nothing is being offered to me. This afternoon my team leader showed me how to do lots of projects and they were all hard. Initially she said we would do them together for a few months but now she’s leaving at Xmas so it’s just down to me! It’s stupid.

Anyway, sorry for the miserable post. I needed to vent.