I found out last night that my mother and stepfather have sold their house (it’s been up for sale for about a year now). Apparently they’ve lowered the price and secured a cash buyer and it’s all systems go!
I also found out that my sister is moving in with her boyfriend this weekend.
Big events hey?!
Anyway, very much in keeping with my blog last night, I’m feeling a bit happy with myself because I woke up this morning and my very first thought of the day was “something feels exciting… what is it?” And as I came to a bit more and thought back to the previous day, I remembered that I had blocked my mother and stepfather and THAT was the excitement that made its way to me at 6am whilst I was still half asleep and blurry eyes! Isn’t that madness?
I’ve thought a lot about the fact she will soon live elsewhere and that I won’t know where that is. Genuinely, it gives me a sense of freedom. It makes me feel safer somehow. I feel like perhaps I’m weird for feeling this way, but I like the fact I won’t know where she lives any longer, another link to her somehow cut?
My feelings about my sister moving in with her boyfriend are positive. My sister moving away from my mother’s house can only be a good thing, though unfortunately I’m sure they will still see my mother and stepfather at weekends for their parties and drinking. Meh. Maybe one day… I doubt it but hey, you never know, maybe some distance will give her a bit more courage and perhaps not living with her every day will help her to pull herself away from my mother’s claws enough to realise she will regret not being my bridesmaid when I’ve done nothing wrong – at least to her.
I know I may sound righteous and believe me, I’m under absolutely no false illusions that this feeling will die off soon and that perhaps I’ll be left feeling distraught, but I find myself almost giddy with relief again today. I feel free and empowered and safe!!!
I feel like I’m so free from her. All this because of blocking numbers? I don’t know.
I want to cling on to this feeling forever. I feel safe. Safe. I can’t stop writing that feeling. The guilt has (for now) vanished and I feel like I’m truly getting somewhere.
One step forward – possibly two back, only time will tell. But even if it is, I’m sticking my middle finger up at her whilst I enjoy the feeling of freedom and strength and empowerment.
The lightness cannot be overrated.
So, I did it.
I logged into Facebook this afternoon (my account has been deactivated since November after me and my mother fell out (“fell out? Ha! Maybe the word should be separated??)), anyway… and I went onto my mother’s page, had a look at her latest crap and then blocked her.
I surprised myself with how I felt after pressing that button.
I felt pure and utter relief.
Yep! Relief. I am surprised, I genuinely thought I’d fight sadness and guilt for sure but alas! I just felt relief. I felt as though a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It was almost euphoric!!!
With that feeling of euphoria I then went a step further and blocked my mother’s phone number in my phone and then on WhatsApp. I then deleted her number out of my phone (I’ve checked and it still blocks the number amazingly).
I then blocked her husband’s phone number and deleted him too.
And I can genuinely say, I feel VERY pleased. I’m proud and happy I’ve done it.
I have some small reservations that I still have plenty of “family” on Facebook so I don’t know if I’ll actually go back to using it or not… we’ll see… I worry that they will tell her what I’m up to, what I put on there – send her screen shots even.
Ooh on that note, I also deleted my “aunt” and her husband and my mother’s best friend.
Ha I wonder why pressing that button feels so good?? If only it was as simple as that in real life!
I move house Saturday and I’m very excited about it, but I wish in a way I would never be found. I wish nobody ever had to find out where I live so I could keep this feeling of safety.
Anyway, I’m pleased that I’ve done this and I’ve done this for my own sake.
For once I’ve put MY needs before her’s.
I hope that this continues, that I get braver each day, each week… I hope soon I don’t have to even fight against worrying about how she feels or what she might say or do. I think maybe I will get there one day.
The Silent Abuse of a Narcissistic Mother
We all know that therapy is a unique relationship, unlike any other relationship that we experience. It defies classification in that while it shares aspects of other relationships -friend, lover, parent, colleague – it is not quite any of these things. One of its unique characteristics is a therapist’s reaction to your pain.
In most relationships, when you express pain, the other person’s natural reaction is sympathy; they feel bad for you. This sympathy is often followed by some action whose clear intent is to make you feel better or help relieve your pain. Human beings (at least sane ones) do not like being in pain. So much so that we find it painful to see people we care about, and even people we don’t particularly like, in pain. So there is an almost automatic human response of answering someone’s pain with comfort. If someone is crying, we offer a…
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I’ve read this blog a thousand times. Today is a day where I find myself reading it, yet again. It is so helpful to me so I’m sharing it here for you guys in case it helps you, too.
“What we do when we heal, is to finally allow ourselves to experience those feelings, process the experience and make sense of what happened, to fit the event into our narrative so that it makes sense, and we can obtain a coherent picture of who we are and how we got that way. When we do this, we convert the traumatic memory to a biographical one”.
“Bottom line, unless we allow ourselves to feel the pain and express it instead of being comforted and not going there we don’t heal. A good therapist has to be able to tolerate seeing a patient in pain. Therapy can feel and look quite sadistic.”
“Our therapists must endure being the trigger that draws this pain out and then answer a pain not of their making with a deep compassion and understanding.”
What are people’s thoughts on me blocking my mother’s (and stepdad’s) phone numbers?
I read something this morning and it said that not blocking the number of someone you’re no contact with is keeping you feeling nervous for when the next message might come.. it keeps you on egg/shells. That’s true for me for sure.
It said that even if you ignore the message, their words still get in your head, they can still evoke emotions in you. That’s also true for me.
So now I’m seriously debating blocking their numbers so I can relax more and not worry whenever my phone rings or a message comes through.
My reservations (emotional not logical) are- what if she suddenly realised the monumental mistake she’s made and wants to apologise and beg to see me and I’ve blocked her and never get the message?
– what is there is a family emergency?
What do I do then?!
Now my fiancé says if she did suddenly want to apologise and beg to see me, surely she wouldn’t give up after sending a few texts and he said she could text him or ask my sister or Nan to contact me. He even went as far as suggesting that if she had to, she could get a private investigator to find me!!!
That’s true isn’t it?
It feels mean and final… it feels like it’s not something a daughter should do. But I know, her behaviour isn’t something a mother should do either.
Anyway, any thoughts?
I woke up this morning with a thumping headache, a bad mood and a bad back ache. The back ache has got gradually worse the last few days but today it hurt a lot.
As we are staying with my fiancé’s family at the moment and his kids also stay with us at weekends, it was all a bit too much for me this morning. My mood was getting worse and holding it all in was getting harder and harder.
I found myself thinking about my T. I have thought about her a lot the last few days since my session on Tuesday. The closest feeling I could relate my feeling to would be “missing”. It was like I was missing her but I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate.
I touched on this briefly the other day, but the words I come up with are words such as “longing” and “missing”. As one of my fellow bloggers pointed out, it’s the grieving of the mother wound. I’m in touch with feelings of loneliness and sadness. It’s feelings I experienced when I was young and stuck with an emotionally unavailable mother. Isolation and sadness, emptiness. I feel those things again today and it’s very hard.
I wrote a list of words that just felt relevant to me today, they included the following words:
So I think perhaps the feelings of sadness, aloneness, missing and longing are old feelings and in the here and now, they make me want to seek comfort and nurturance, connection and warmth. I want the familiar and genuine connection T offers me. I guess what I’m craving is “a mother”. MY mother but not my actual mother – it’s back to that fantasy mother I guess.
T provides me with some of the things I feel I need today and so I guess it makes sense for me to long for her in some ways – even if it’s not really her I need, but MY mother. The hole where my good enough mother should have been/be, but isn’t.
Days like this, times like this, being around lots of people makes me go stir crazy. I really struggle with that. I need time alone, I crave space and quiet. I need to cry or read or write or drink tea in a blanket. I struggle being “stepmum” and looking after the kids because I guess I’m triggered to a child like place myself and if I’m totally honest I think I struggle to be affectionate or enjoy them because it taps into the lack I had/have. I know that’s not what I should say or how I should feel but the words just came out so I’m sure they must be true.
It makes me angry. Perhaps my anger is hiding my sadness? Either way I couldn’t cope this morning and so guess where I am as I type this on my phone? I’m in my car. My lovely new car. I decided to grab a flask of tea, my psychologies magazine, my “Dear Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother” book, my make up bag(?) and off I went. I have only driven to the local park where I’ve parked up with the heating on and I’ve put my make up on, I’m listening to the radio and the snow is gently falling. I feel so calm now. Nothing like 45 minutes ago where I could have exploded from all the various emotions I wrote about above.
There’s some guilt that I shouldn’t be hiding in my car on my own and that I should be with my fiancé and the kids but I need to look after myself too, right? And what good am I to any of them in the state I was in earlier?
I feel so mean saying this but this is my happy place right now. I’m so at peace right now. I’m warm, I have my tea, I’ve kicked off my Ugg boots and am sitting cross legged (I’m small!), sipping my tea and typing out all these feelings which gives me such a release. I could stay here for hours if I didn’t feel like I should be with them.
I’ve read many articles which say in order to heal you need to internalise the good enough mother (so T) and that you learn to mother yourself and you learn to soothe yourself. I wonder in times like this whether the longing for comfort and closeness will ever go – right now it feels unlikely. I know I’ve been able to calm myself a bit, I’ve been able to give myself a little bit of space and I do understand that is progress… but I would still just like to be looked after if I’m honest. What I would like is for a really tight hug from a caring and kind mother. I would like to be a little girl for the day and not the adult. I hate that I’ve missed that chance and that I’ll never get that again.
I’m grieving that chance I suppose and I’m craving closeness and connection to make that pain more bearable when perhaps I just need to learn to tolerate it and let it pass?