[EDITED: Sorry guys, I typed this on my phone and think I caused some confusion with who said what, I have now amended. For the sake of clarity, I am NOT saying I think she is an evil narcissist, just that I am concerned at the moment and that something isn’t feeling quite right…. I am also nervous because she has warned me plenty of times over the past few years that I will begin to view her “as my mother” and that her halo will fall off and she will fall from her pedestal and become what I need to her…… so I imagine that she will say that is what is happening if I were to tell her any of this… maybe she is right.. or maybe this whole relationship is one fucked up toxic nightmare repeat itself!].
Okay so I need to write some thoughts out but they are all a bit muddled and I don’t really know where to start with them.
Since the session with T last week where it all went horribly wrong over me dropping my Thursday sessions, I thought she had accepted her part of the blame and had apologised and that we had moved on… but
In yesterday’s session I asked her if we could agree my last Thursday session so that I knew a date. She asked me what I thought and I said I was thinking maybe 2 November so that I could have a few sessions before I started the new job to adjust (and what I didn’t say was that I would like to save a bit of money and possibly go on holiday if my redundancy is paid).
T seemed flabbergasted at this idea and said why not the 16th or the 23rd? I said again I wanted a couple of sessions to get used to it. She said that all of the sessions until the 23rd were time for us to talk about it and the feelings around it and adjust…. I knew what she meant but that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t get angry because I had predicted this conversation would probably be a bit of a power struggle. I desperately didn’t want to repeat last Tuesday. This conversation went on a bit and then we agreed the 9th (I think! I’ve actually questioned this today in case I’ve got it wrong).
Anyway, we spoke about my new job and she said that it felt very different this time. She was even smiling and seemed pleased for me. I was buzzing in my seat having received the formal offer and contract shortly before my session. I agreed with her that it felt different and said to her that I had read some of my blogs over the last month and that it was quite clear in hindsight that I wasn’t THAT happy. I clearly had reservations and worries but I had overridden them, perhaps with the relief of having found a job.
I agreed with her that it felt different this time and was very smiley and happy. She then said “I wonder whether that’s what I was picking up on last week”… I realised what she meant and said with genuine consideration, “oohhh maybe?!” She said again that she had picked up on some negative energy… fair comment I guess although slightly annoying because the problem was the way she spoke AT me…
She then said, “when you emailed me when I was away about the job, I felt a real surge of anger”…
My eyes widened…. what??
She continued…. “I thought to myself, that does not belong to me!!” And she beamed a big smile….
I was confused and said to her “I wasn’t angry at all?” And she said in her almost mocking tone, “you were unconsciously, perhaps it is too scary for you to feel so I felt it for you?”
No… why would I have been angry? I had got a new job and I had made the decision to drop back to one session, it wasn’t forced on me.
I could tell that she wouldn’t listen to me if I repeated that I didn’t feel any anger at all so I just smiled so the conversation would stop.
She then said…
“I think that I fell into a reenactment with you last week”. I didn’t know what she meant so asked her and she explained that sometimes a therapist can fall into repeating a situation with a patient, in my case the argument was just like one between me and my mum and that is why it was a reenactment…
This felt like she was blaming me… I felt a tiny bit of anger…
She then said it wasn’t my fault.
She said that I needed to use her to express my anger for my Mum and that’s why I had used that moment as a repeat and viewed her as my Mum. She said that she should have stopped talking and pushing me when she picked up on the energy that night. I said “I felt like it didn’t matter what I said, you weren’t listening to me”, she smiled. (It felt patronising).
I thought to myself that this was ridiculous and that I completely disagreed but I didn’t want to argue and seem petulant so I just made “unmmm” noises and eventually the session ended and I left and forgot about the session. I felt fine.
Since then I keep having these doubts popping into my head and replaying words she said
“I felt a real surge of anger when I read your email, it didn’t belong to me” (maybe it DID)
“I fell into a repeat with you, it isn’t your fault” (whattt??? No you were just nasty that session)
I’ve even had thoughts that perhaps her main concern is actually about her pocket and not about me and my welfare I mean, she seems fine now but that’s because I held my own and didn’t allow her power to make me shut up or change my mind. I feel guilty thinking this, but it’s crossed my mind so I am writing it to be honest.
I feel like the therapist I had a child like attachment to, wanted to see and speak to as much as possible has changed and now I feel almost as though I am guarded and in my head I’m doubting her and wondering whether I’ve been stupid? Have I trusted someone who is actually just like my mum who wants to tell me what to do and gets angry if I don’t… who doesn’t listen to me and can’t accept any blame?
I feel okay about this, although concerned….
I feel awful but you know when you realise you’ve been in a relationship that’s toxic, like me and Tina… and suddenly you see how you’ve been manipulated or controlled… I’m starting to feel like that – a tiny bit…
When we spoke recently about the feelings I get with my mother, with Tina, with the agent (woman) etc, I told T that I feel the fear in my body so obviously now that I am aware of it. T said that the woman in authority/woman in power is a real trigger for me and that is why she thinks I got so upset last week. I told her that I hadn’t felt like that with her at all last week, that the feelings of fear I got for example when I told Tina how I felt or when I had to let the agent down was nothing like how I felt towards her last week. Last week I just felt infuriated, not listened too, almost bullied – with the others its more of a “oh shit, what will they do to me”. She said it may be because I feel safer with her than I do with them. I said perhaps. She said that clearly something had shifted for me recently in that I had passed my driving test, put in firmer boundaries with my mother and with Tina and now got a new job. I agreed with her and said I felt very pleased and proud about these things….. perhaps me dropping a session truly is just part of this growth and improvement and she is the one with the issue trying to hold on to how I used to be, to keep me there, keep me down….