T’s reply

She said…. 

“I have read your blog entries and am very glad you have been able to send them to me. 

I know it might not feel like it now, but this can lead to good things. Right now you are very angry and frightened that I am just like your Mum. It’s good that you have found your voice and have been able to tell me your fears. We will keep on talking about, and understanding it all together.

In the meantime you are held kindly in my thoughts and I am thinking about all you have said.

Kind wishes

Advertisements

Doubts about T (Part 2)

One of my lovely readers has just commented to suggest the following:

“With that anger comment, the plot really seems to thicken! Random thought came to my mind about her possibly projecting. And it’s a completely random and out there thought without knowing either of you. Can you imagine if she has a daughter/son who is going/has gone through a similar big life change without consulting her? And she feels completely powerless in that relationship. Or hurt about not being consulted in some relationship. And this is seeping into your work in some way. So a reenactment from her side, not yours. Or you both reenacting and getting into a toxic spiral without being able to clearly define what is going on… As I said, just a fun theory… 🙂”

This has REALLY given me something to think about and I am currently in agreement.

The reasons being that whilst T was away, I was offered an interview, attended the interview and was offered a job, which I then accepted all without consulting her.  I then emailed her to tell her that these events had happened, hoping she would be proud of me and that it would demonstrate my growth.  She replied very bluntly (in my opinion) and with a total lack of congratulations which left me feeling disheartened.

She has since admitted that when she received my email, she felt “a real surge of anger” that she decided belonged to me and not her. I strongly disagree with this and feel that perhaps she DID feel a surge of anger, but that her anger actually belonged to her and that she was projecting it on to me because she knew somewhere that it wasn’t the right way to feel about the decisions I had made on my own.

She has also since admitted that she thought her response to my email was a bit cold and that she spent a few days afterwards debating whether to text me to say “Sorry, my response wasn’t very pleasant” but that she decided to “leave me with my anger“.

Moving on, I then had my doubts about that job and was invited for another interview somewhere else, which she DID know about. I then went to the interview and was offered (and accepted the job) all with her alongside.  Her reaction this time was completely different. She was even excited for me and subsequently she has not tried to talk me out of dropping my second session at all. She even said yesterday that we will see how things go and that if I need a second session again, the universe will align to make that possible. That we should trust in that. – A total 360 on last week.

She said to me that when I heard from the new employer as to whether or not I had the job, I could text her to tell her if I wanted to – I thought that was a nice offer and despite feeling I could have easily held it until I saw her the following day, I did drop her a text and she replied MUCH warmer. She congratulated me and told me to “enjoy the feeling”. Perhaps she wanted me to text her so she could right a wrong so to speak. To repair the first reaction with a much better, more appropriate one.

Those two reactions to two very similar situations are extremely different aren’t they? The only difference between the situations is that she wasn’t involved in the decision-making process of one and she was with the other.

She then said that yesterday she was happy for me and that “perhaps she picked up on my uncertainty” over the first job. I disagree, but nodded along that it was a possibility.

I genuinely think this could be what’s happening here and I am debating telling her this too.. BUT I am a bit concerned about the repercussion’s of it because in my recent experience of her, she has not accepted any of her own “stuff” in this. She has projected feelings onto me and said that I trapped HER in a re-enactment……  so if I do tell her, would she be able to take this to her supervisor and take a real, genuine look at it? or will she tell me I am wrong, become defensive and insulted and then I potentially ruin things between us?

Having said that, if I do speak to her and it does ruin things between us – perhaps it would be just as well I found out now?

IF one of her two daughters made an important decision without her input or advice and it did leave her feeling left out or powerless or something, that would explain the strong reaction I received and would also explain why I felt like she was talking to me like a child (I told her that).  It is possible (as Jay rightly says in the comment above), that the “re-enactment” she speaks of, was a two-way thing. Transference AND also countertransference because her reacting from a triggered (and countertransference) perspective triggered my anger because I felt like she was trying to 1) ruin my good news (like my mum does) and 2) control me and make me doubt my own strength.

 

 

Doubts about T

[EDITED: Sorry guys, I typed this on my phone and think I caused some confusion with who said what, I have now amended. For the sake of clarity, I am NOT saying I think she is an evil narcissist, just that I am concerned at the moment and that something isn’t feeling quite right…. I am also nervous because she has warned me plenty of times over the past few years that I will begin to view her “as my mother” and that her halo will fall off and she will fall from her pedestal and become what I need to her…… so I imagine that she will say that is what is happening if I were to tell her any of this… maybe she is right.. or maybe this whole relationship is one fucked up toxic nightmare repeat itself!].

Okay so I need to write some thoughts out but they are all a bit muddled and I don’t really know where to start with them.

Since the session with T last week where it all went horribly wrong over me dropping my Thursday sessions, I thought she had accepted her part of the blame and had apologised and that we had moved on… but

In yesterday’s session I asked her if we could agree my last Thursday session so that I knew a date. She asked me what I thought and I said I was thinking maybe 2 November so that I could have a few sessions  before I started the new job to adjust (and what I didn’t say was that I would like to save a bit of money and possibly go on holiday if my redundancy is paid).

T seemed flabbergasted at this idea and said why not the 16th or the 23rd? I said again I wanted a couple of sessions to get used to it. She said that all of the sessions until the 23rd were time for us to talk about it and the feelings around it and adjust…. I knew what she meant but that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t get angry because I had predicted this conversation would probably be a bit of a power struggle. I desperately didn’t want to repeat last Tuesday. This conversation went on a bit and then we agreed the 9th (I think! I’ve actually questioned this today in case I’ve got it wrong).

Anyway, we spoke about my new job and she said that it felt very different this time. She was even smiling and seemed pleased for me. I was buzzing in my seat having received the formal offer and contract shortly before my session. I agreed with her that it felt different and said to her that I had read some of my blogs over the last month and that it was quite clear in hindsight that I wasn’t THAT happy. I clearly had reservations and worries but I had overridden them, perhaps with the relief of having found a job.

I agreed with her that it felt different this time and was very smiley and happy. She then said “I wonder whether that’s what I was picking up on last week”… I realised what she meant and said with genuine consideration, “oohhh maybe?!” She said again that she had picked up on some negative energy… fair comment I guess although slightly annoying because the problem was the way she spoke AT me…

She then said, “when you emailed me when I was away about the job, I felt a real surge of anger”…

My eyes widened…. what??

She continued…. “I thought to myself, that does not belong to me!!” And she beamed a big smile….

I was confused and said to her “I wasn’t angry at all?” And she said in her almost mocking tone, “you were unconsciously, perhaps it is too scary for you to feel so I felt it for you?”

No… why would I have been angry? I had got a new job and I had made the decision to drop back to one session, it wasn’t forced on me.

I could tell that she wouldn’t listen to me if I repeated that I didn’t feel any anger at all so I just smiled so the conversation would stop.

She then said…

“I think that I fell into a reenactment with you last week”. I didn’t know what she meant so asked her and she explained that sometimes a therapist can fall into repeating a situation with a patient, in my case the argument was just like one between me and my mum and that is why it was a reenactment…

This felt like she was blaming me… I felt a tiny bit of anger…

She then said it wasn’t my fault.

Righhhtttt….

She said that I needed to use her to express my anger for my Mum and that’s why I had used that moment as a repeat and viewed her as my Mum. She said that she should have stopped talking and pushing me when she picked up on the energy that night. I said “I felt like it didn’t matter what I said, you weren’t listening to me”, she smiled. (It felt patronising).

I thought to myself that this was ridiculous and that I completely disagreed but I didn’t want to argue and seem petulant so I just made “unmmm” noises and eventually the session ended and I left and forgot about the session. I felt fine.

Since then I keep having these doubts popping into my head and replaying words she said

“I felt a real surge of anger when I read your email, it didn’t belong to me” (maybe it DID)

“I fell into a repeat with you, it isn’t your fault” (whattt??? No you were just nasty that session)

I’ve even had thoughts that perhaps her main concern is actually about her pocket and not about me and my welfare I mean, she seems fine now but that’s because I held my own and didn’t allow her power to make me shut up or change my mind. I feel guilty thinking this, but it’s crossed my mind so I am writing it to be honest.

I feel like the therapist I had a child like attachment to, wanted to see and speak to as much as possible has changed and now I feel almost as though I am guarded and in my head I’m doubting her and wondering whether I’ve been stupid? Have I trusted someone who is actually just like my mum who wants to tell me what to do and gets angry if I don’t… who doesn’t listen to me and can’t accept any blame?

I feel okay about this, although concerned….

I feel awful but you know when you realise you’ve been in a relationship that’s toxic, like me and Tina… and suddenly you see how you’ve been manipulated or controlled… I’m starting to feel like that – a tiny bit…

When we spoke recently about the feelings I get with my mother, with Tina, with the agent (woman) etc, I told T that I feel the fear in my body so obviously now that I am aware of it. T said that the woman in authority/woman in power is a real trigger for me and that is why she thinks I got so upset last week. I told her that I hadn’t felt like that with her at all last week, that the feelings of fear I got for example when I told Tina how I felt or when I had to let the agent down was nothing like how I felt towards her last week. Last week I just felt infuriated, not listened too, almost bullied – with the others its more of a “oh shit, what will they do to me”.  She said it may be because I feel safer with her than I do with them.  I said perhaps. She said that clearly something had shifted for me recently in that I had passed my driving test, put in firmer boundaries with my mother and with Tina and now got a new job. I agreed with her and said I felt very pleased and proud about these things….. perhaps me dropping a session truly is just part of this growth and improvement and she is the one with the issue trying to hold on to how I used to be, to keep me there, keep me down….

Job, Tina, Mother..

Hi everyone,

I thought I would write as I haven’t written properly on a computer for ages so all of my blogs lately have been quickly typed out on my mobile which doesn’t feel the same as typing something properly.

Job Situation
I had the interviews yesterday with the firm I REALLY want to work for. The interview went really well (I think!). I was in there for an hour and twenty minutes and there were no awkward silences or times when I didn’t know what to say, it all seemed to flow naturally and I liked the two team leaders that interviewed me.  We had a few laughs during it and finished it off talking about me getting married next year and it felt very positive.  After I left, I spoke to the agent who said he had spoken to them and that they “loved me and thought I was great”.  That is the only feedback I have so not much else to go on, but that sounds good, right??

Apparently they said to the agent “if we didn’t have another person to see tomorrow, this would be a different conversation” I don’t know what that means, but I am reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hoping it’s a good thing. Anyway, apparently I should find out between 11am and midday today so I am VERY nervous and excited waiting for the phone to ring.

Then I have to do the dreaded email to the agent about the other job…… cringefest.

Tina
With all the actual job stuff that has been going on lately, I haven’t written much about anything else but on Monday Tina walked past my desk as I was coughing and did a “fake cough” noise. I couldn’t believe it. She’s gone back to completely and utterly ignoring me, very straight-faced and not looking in my direction at all which is quite weird as only a few weeks ago she came up to my desk at work to ask me “how I was” about the redundancy announcement. Very odd in general but I guess to be expected from her. I get the feeling that when she came and spoke to me that afternoon she expected me to continue that chatting theme whenever we saw each other but I didn’t do that and so perhaps now she hates me again ha! Whatever.

My Mum
Last week it was my mum’s 50th birthday. I think I’ve written before to say that she wanted all her family and friends to go away for the weekend and I wasn’t really looking forward to it.  I was supposed to go Friday to Sunday but I was unwell last week with a bad cold and chest infection and so I told her on Friday that I was too unwell to go. She phoned me and could clearly hear how sick I was so I think she was fine about it and I guess she believed me because I sounded awful.  When I woke up Saturday I felt better and so we did go and it was fine.

On the Saturday night, we were all in a club and she randomly walked over to me and kissed my forehead and then walked off without saying anything. I was really shocked. She has NEVER done anything like that before. She doesn’t show me any affection and never has done, not even if I’ve been crying. It was totally out of character and totally shocked me. My initial thought was “what was that about?” and then I brushed it off and thought that she was drunk or perhaps showing off to her friends but I think in all honestly she was just made up that so many people had travelled to celebrate her birthday with her and she was genuinely very happy. Perhaps that explains the random show of affection. I don’t know. I told T about this last night and she said “that must have been incredibly confusing for you because that is all you’ve ever wanted!” which pretty much sums it up doesn’t it?

Rupture/Repair
In terms of things between me and T, it seems to be back to normal now although does play on my mind sometimes. I haven’t written about this in as much detail as I would like yet, mainly because I have been so distracted by the job stuff but I will do a post about it because I think it is very important. In fact, I will try to do that today/tomorrow.

NEWS!
Since starting to write this at 10am (it is now 3pm!!) I have some news. I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The agent phoned me about 11.30am and said he could unofficially tell me I was going to be offered the job and then phoned a while later to say the HR dept had phoned him and took my email address and postal address for the contract! I am absolutely thrilled. I feel so, so happy and so relieved and the feeling this time compared to the last job I accepted a few weeks ago is so different. I have only told a couple of people, my fiancé and a friend at work at the moment and I’ve text T. I can’t wait to be able to tell people. They are the biggest law firm in the UK so this is a really good move for me and will look fantastic on my CV.  I’ve also managed to get an extra £1,000 a year so that’s a bonus!

I can’t think of anything else to write right now because I am busy at work and shouldn’t be writing this and also because I am super, duper excited about this news ha!

Once I’ve received the contract, I will email the agent. Best get drafting.

YAY!!

 

 

Rejecting the offer 

I really need to let the new company or the agent know I’ve changed my mind… I am still deliberating over when to do this. The new interview is tomorrow afternoon so maybe tomorrow? I’m tempted to just do it today and get it done because it’s hanging over me and I feel so guilty but people keep telling me to wait it out… aggg. I am really apprehensive about what trouble the agent will cause me, she could really blacken my name with other agents, other firms or perhaps even tell my current job that I had a job offer (would that matter?)… 

When I do eventually do it, do I email the agent or the company directly? Or both? And what the hell can I say that doesn’t make me sound totally rude and unprofessional? 

My crazy life 

Firstly, thank you all so much for all your help and advice the last few days with my rupture with T and with this job stuff. I don’t remember the last time I felt this stressed out and emotionally exhausted. It’s proving so tiring! 

So thank you all – I’m truly really grateful. 

Here’s the latest instalment of my mental life. 

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I felt unwell (cold), my head was racing and I was desperate to make a conclusion with regards to this job. Yesterday didn’t go to plan and I didn’t leave feeling positive or happy at all. I felt dissapointed and deflated. 

Throughout the night I kept thinking perhaps I should just stay in my current job. Perhaps I had had a lucky escape. It made me think I would never get a boss like mine again. Then my fiancé gave me a good talking to this morning and said that regardless of whether I go to this job or not, nothing has changed with regards to leaving my current job. He said he thought I would regret it if I didn’t leave now. I suspected he was right. He pointed out that there aren’t just two choices here, current job or new job… I could keep interviewing. I didn’t like the thought of that and guess I was being a bit lazy wanting the whole process to be over. 

A few hours later I’m walking around the park with my mate and her little boy when the phone rings, it was an agency so I ignored his call. He then emailed me to say the job he had sent my cv to three weeks ago had called and wanted to see me. For background, this firm are VERY well known. They are in the top 10 law firms in the entire world! 

I applied there 6/7 years ago and had two interviews but was eventually unsuccessful. Apparently they “went with someone internally”. 

But now I know someone that works there who said she loves it and that she thinks I would too, she said she would put in a good word for me. Clearly she did! 

They want me to go in for an interview Tuesday at 3pm next week. AGGHHH!!!! 

The agent said that he’s made them aware I’ve accepted another job offer and that they still wanted to see me. 

So.. I have decided to go for it. 1) because yesterday didn’t go to plan and 2) because it’s an amazing firm. 

The two jobs are different, for this job I would work in a “pool” where I would work with 6 girls at my level, 3 girls a level below and 1 girl a level lower again. Between us all we would work for the entire department (employment which is something different). I wouldn’t have my own allocated solicitors like at my current job or like the new job I went to yesterday. 

Anyway, my latest predicament is this: when do I tell the agency I want to retract my acceptance of the job? Do I get it out the way and do it tomorrow so I feel less guilty? Or do I wait and see how this interview goes next week? 

My fiancé says wait, and his reasons are that 1) this is business, don’t worry about them and 2) the agent for the new interview job told me that the agent (scary woman) is known to cause trouble and could potentially ruin my interview next week if she has contacts there. 

I admit I feel guilty at the thought of letting them down if I decline their offer, I feel nervous about telling the scary woman agent I’ve changed my mind, because she is feisty as hell and will lose her commission so will hate me and make my life difficult… but I admit to feeling some weird relief that I won’t have to worry about that woman boss and how she will be with me if I go there. Rightly or wrongly. 

So, that’s today’s drama. Also, I saw T today which I was absolutely dreadinggggggg but I am pleased to say that she was fine. She actually apologised and we’ve smoothed things over, that deserves its own post though so I’ll write that tomorrow when I have my laptop out. 

Time for more lemsip! 

Day at the new place 

Oh god… can life suck any more right now? 

Iv just got on the train after a day at the new place. I had a handover with a lovely girl who was very similar to me, same age and similar personality. I leant a lot and met a lot of people, it felt productive. 

About 4pm I was asked to stay for a team meeting at 5pm, this was put back to 5.15pm and then eventually held in the local wine bar. I was excited to finally see my boss who has been busy all day and had not yet spoken to me. 

I eventually saw her and she spoke to the girl that was training me (the girl I am replacing), she didn’t say hello. She spoke to her for a good few minutes before acknowledging me – I felt at the time this was rude. Surely you would at least say hello to me before entering into long chats with the current girl about her holiday … 

Anyway, me and the current girl waited for new boss and her colleague and eventually we all walked to the lifts, boss and colleague behind me…. still no chat…. they then held back and didn’t get in our lift. I thought that was odd. We all arrived at the same venue and she sat opposite me at a VERY large table. I drank two glasses of wine and eventually she came over and said goodbye. 

Goodbye! She hadn’t even said hello! 

I spent 7 hours learning the ropes of my new job (not paid) and she didn’t even take the time to come and say hello to me. 

I felt my heart sink. 

That is not what I had in mind. That isn’t what I had hoped for AT ALL. I asked the current girl, do you often see her for drinks or anything? She said oh no, never….. 

I feel very down right now. 

What am I doing? Is this all one big mistake? 

Disaster 

Fucking therapy. Honestly, why do I sign myself up for this torture? What a joke. 

I’ve just this minute got home from my first session back in over 2 weeks and can honestly say, it was the worst session I’ve had in all the years of therapy I’ve had. 

I’ve never felt like leaving a session so much before. Like I genuinely considered leaving. I stared at the clock or the floor the whole time and I felt so angry and so frustrated with T I could have combusted. 

I went in there unwell, I have a stinking cold. Obviously that can’t just be a cold though, can it? Noooo it’s all about her and going back after a break. Yawn! 

Then we start talking about my new job. I told her how dissapointed I’ve been with everyone’s reaction. She said “maybe you wer dissapointed with mine?” Yes. Yes I was. I admitted it. I told her it was a HUGE deal for me and I would have liked some happiness and congratulations. I explained I wanted her to do what my mum doesn’t. She said something about how she had to play it safe because it was tied up in dropping a session etc.. 

Anyway, I’ll write more another time because now I am too pissed off but basically she just didn’t listen to a thing I said about dropping a session. She didn’t hear me at all. She kept on repeatedly telling me I was potentially ruining my therapy, she even said I DID NEED to be going twice a week, that I’m not “where you think you are” (fuck you). 

She went on and on and on and on about how I was sabotaging myself, how I was shut off and how I wasn’t in touch with my feelings or my child self… she kept on and on about how I should tell my new job I need therapy twice a week and how I should tell them I need Thursday afternoons off. I told her, clearly, I didn’t want to do that. I told her I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to throw myself into my new job and I didn’t want to do that. 

She wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t listen. She didn’t hear me AT ALL!!!! 

I felt myself boiling with rage. I let her talk, I breathed through it – but my God she wouldn’t let up. 

At one point she even said that if I stop back to one session a week, I will shut down and not be able to access the stuff I was and so I snapped “so I’ll have to stop and it will all be pointless”. 

She said she could see I was angry with her. No shit! 

She kept on about how she was trying to put a middle ground in because I had gone off too far the other way. 

I’m genuinely sure she would never have spoken to or said the things she said to me had I been a 40 year old woman instead of someone her daughters’ age. I think there’s some counter-transference going on. 

I’m so angry at some of the jabs she made such as “why would you want to work for a firm that wouldn’t allow you to have Thursday afternoons off?” and things like how my therapy won’t work once a week.  She also said “are you getting a pay rise because there’s no point going sideways?”. 

The whole session was her talking AT me, not to me. It was her on her high horse telling me how wrong I am. 

I can’t even bring myself to write anymore right now. I have never felt like this about her before. I’ve never wanted to walk out so much. 

She even kept trying to make “jokes”, couldn’t she see how angry I was? 

Man. Wtf. Oh and then she said I might “fill in the gaps” meaning I would misinterpret what she was saying and that I would confuse her with my mother. 

Ha well if so, that’s because you sound like my fucking mother! 

Something is wrong… 

Something’s wrong but I don’t know what. 

I came home from work at lunch time as always, but as T is away I had nothing to rush back for. 

On the train home I downloaded an audiobook which I haven’t done for a while and the fleeting thought rushed through my mind “Am  I trying to distract myself from something?” but I just ignored it. 

I came home, rushed around tidying the house, cleaning and putting washing on. I thought to myself as I was cleaning the sink “tidying the house helps the mind to feel tidier too”… I pushed that thought away too. 

An hour or so later I fell asleep on the sofa listening to my audiobook and I slept for about an hour and a half before being woken up by my phone ringing. I drifted back to sleep and then got woken up again by it vibrating from messages… very annoying. 
I looked at the time and thought I should probably get up but I had absolutely no energy. I felt as though maybe I had woken up from a bad dream or something, that sense of sadness/miserableness but I couldn’t remember anything. Weird. 
About half an hour ago, my fiancé came home from work and I opened the door to him and told him I hadn’t felt well this afternoon. I said I just felt exhausted and energy-less. That was true but what I didn’t say was that I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. 

He walked in the kitchen and gave me a hug (thinking I felt poorly), my eyes filled up with water and I felt right on the edge of crying. I managed to hold the tears back mainly because if he asked why I was crying I would have to say I didn’t know. 

The only things i am consciously aware of having thought about today are my mum’s looming birthday weekend away in just over a week which I’m dreading and the fact I’m meant to be going there this weekend to meet with some family friends. I’ve been thinking today I might lie and say we can’t go because Sunday was hard enough but I want to see these family friends and it has been arranged for a while now. 

But the signs are there: distracting myself with my book, the manic housecleaning, the sleeping…. 
It’s one of the worst things isn’t it, suddenly feeling so rubbish and it feeling like it’s come from nowhere and you don’t know why. 
I’ve just cried and told my fiancé what’s on my mind and at the very instant, my mum text checking we were still going Saturday. I told you the woman senses when I’m like this , it’s like she’s got a bloody camera on my feelings or something. 

My fiancé said it will be okay, it won’t be a late or heavy night and that we can come home rather than stay there. I said I know but Sunday was so awful and he said “yeah I know you said that, but I don’t really know why?”. I can’t explain that either – just seeing her and feeling that coldness and that lack of relationship hit me so hard Sunday. Clearly I’m not in a rush to repeat that feeling. 

My Mother Dissapointment 

Hey guys,

As some of you know a lot of my posts of late have been about either “Tina”, my redundancy situation or my new job (still can’t believe that!) but one thing I haven’t written about yet is what happened on Sunday. 
It’s no biggie, which is probably why I haven’t written about it but on reflection I’ve set aside any real emotional/therapy related stuff which was actually the reason for this blog in the first place so I thought I would share it. 

On Friday last week it was my step dad’s birthday. My mum text me a few days precious to remind me. That kinda annoyed me because of a few reasons. 1) when I was younger she physically hurt me because I “only” got her husband at the time a single on cd of his favourite song. According to her that wasn’t good enough and in my defence whilst she shouted at me I said the words “it’s the thought that counts”. More fool me, she attacked me and told me that on my birthday or at Christmas she would remember that and would say the same to me. It’s a small memory but one I’ve never forgotten. Reason 2) is that she doesn’t remind me when it’s anyone else’s birthday like my grandparents or my sister etc. Basically it irritated me and I knew that her reminding me wasn’t the real issue, it was my trigger to other things that hurt. 

Anyway. On his birthday I text him and wished him a good day. He replied thanking me and then I got on with my day and my weekend which consisted of having my three stepchildren and preparing for my interview. I didn’t think much of it. 

Over the weekend I brought him a card and a voucher for his favourite shop and delayed working out when exactly I would see him. Sunday came around and I knew it had to be done that day. The trouble was that as some of you know, the last time I saw my mum she was horrible and it really affected me. I wasn’t in a rush to repeat that experience and had vowed not to see my mum whilst T is away.

Sunday I decided I had to pop over and so me and my fiancé went there about 4pm. We were there about an hour. Small talk was made. My sister was there and that’s always an uncomfortable situation. When me, my mum and my sister are together there’s tension and there’s two people against the other. These days it’s the two against me. It was. I didn’t bite and I didn’t allow any awkward conversations. 

Inside however I was dying to tell my mum about the redundancy situation. I was dying to tell her that the next day I had an interview for a huge law firm. BUT, I knew better. So I didn’t say anything. 

She then asked “what are you doing about your job now?” Like she’s a bloody mind-reader! I said nothing. It felt uncomfortable. 

Soon we left and went home. I drove and had a headache. 

Soon after getting home, I was in floods of tears. I didn’t really know why and I still can’t pinpoint a reason but all I can say is this: 

It was uncomfortable, fake, cold and unfulfilling. It felt detached and horrible. She didn’t feel like family yet alone my mother. 

Lying to her felt shit. Not because she deserves more, but because I wish I had someone to share it all with…. I cried and my finance was wonderful – as ever. He comforted me and I cried. 

I told him that I didn’t want her to ruin my positive mood for my interview the following day and he made a point of boosting me back up. I told him that normally when I see her, I drink wine (as does everyone else) and that made the whole thing so much easier. Sometimes enjoyable dare I say it…. he told me that actually all I did was delay the inevitable and pointed out that I always cry the day after but that the drink allows me to get through the shitty feelings. I agreed. 

Luckily I did manage to move on somehow and I clearly did well in my interview Monday. 

When I was offered the job me and my fiancé were chatting that evening and he advised me to think about how and what I told her – when I eventually do. I said to him that I wasn’t sure what to say. He told me to protect myself because she would try to ruin it for me. I agreed. For those of you who have followed me for a while, you will remember what happened when I passed my driving test! She said I had only passed because I wouldn’t be on the road often. He said she would probably say the partner of this new law firm must be desperate and perhaps play on my guilt of leaving my current boss (and friend). He was and is right. 

So here we are. I have a new job and she doesn’t know… and that sucks. Not because it’s HER, but because it’s “my mum”. She truly is wank. 

And when I got T’s reply and she didn’t officially congratulate me, for whatever reason, it hurt again. 

Thank god for my fiancé and for you guys. 

And there we have it, another mother debarckle – here for me to read back when in doubt.