Under Attack

It’s too late for me to write a blog about this right now, but tonight my sister was due to come over for me and her to try and sort our differences. The doorbell went when she was due and my fiancé went to let her in and when he did, she was there with HER DAD.

They both came in and when my fiancé went outside her dad said to me “Now I’ve come over to have a talk with you. I’m rather concerned about you…” he went on to say that he appreciates it’s my house and I can tell him to leave at any stage and then began speaking about my counselling….

I stopped him pretty quickly and demanded he waited for my fiancé to come back. I told him he didn’t get to walk into my house uninvited and start attacking me about MY private business. He was very surprised at my reaction.

I’ll write the details when I can but his comments were that I needed to move on from the past, “draw a line under it, invite my mother to our wedding… he said he had never seen me so angry and defensive and didn’t know what was wrong with me (AGGHHHHHH!!!!)!!!!!

We argued A LOT. My sister cried a lot. I nearly threw my coffee cup across the room when my sister, referring to the sexual abuse I suffered said “it’s not that Mum doesn’t believe you, but….” at which point my fiancé said, rather firmly, “be very careful what you say next”….

I am in a bit of a state right now – with rage. Absolute fury. I can not believe this has happened. From someone that I trusted and someone that was good to me growing up to be so insensitive, to invalidate me so much.

Eventually he said “come on, let’s go” to my sister and they left.

Absolute madness.

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She doesn’t want me to thrive

The fact is, she doesn’t want me to thrive. She doesn’t want me to be independent, confident or authentic. She doesn’t want me to have a happy relationship or marriage. She is jealous of those things because she isn’t them/doesn’t have them.

She’s never liked any of my boyfriends because they threaten her. They threaten her because she always knew if I met someone dependable and reliable, I would move away from her and she couldn’t tolerate that.

She now tells herself and everyone else that will listen that my fiancé is controlling and manipulating me because she can’t bear that I’m “gone”. I’ve grown up and I have my own life. I have my own house, family, relationship and it has no drama. I therefore don’t go to her house every weekend crying into my wine whilst she tells me what to do and say.

She always planted seeds of doubt in my head when I saw her. She used to tell me that he didn’t love me, that if he did, he would have proposed by now. She said he would never divorce his (now) ex-wife, that he would always go back to her, that he would always put me last – behind his kids and that I would hate being a stepmother. She told me often he wouldn’t want any more kids and that he was lying to me to keep me. She even said he has probably had a vasectomy that he hasn’t told me about and would tell me when it was too late. She said this again when we were struggling to conceive last year. She said there was nothing wrong with me – it had to be him. She said this even after he had his sperm tested and had a good and healthy result.

She doesn’t like me being a good stepmum because she hated being a mother. Why should I be able to enjoy it when she couldn’t? Why should I be good at it when she failed so terribly?

She doesn’t like my best friend – she says she doesn’t have tome for me anymore and that now she is a mother, she is only interested in her mummy friends. This is not true. She doesn’t like me having a reliable friendship because she has (lots of) fake and artificial friends. People that flock around her for parties and drinking, but nobody that is genuinely by her side throughout thick and thin because she uses people only when it suits her and people sooner or later get fed up.

She doesn’t like me having a relationship with my father because she claims he was a terrible father who didn’t care about me one iota when I was younger. He tells me a very different story that she told him I didn’t want to see him. I also believe that she needed me to keep her good and turn him bad because you can’t love both her and someone else. She had to have full control.

Also, she didn’t have a relationship with her own father (possibly because her Mum used the same tactics, who knows?) and so I couldn’t have a good relationship with mine because that wouldn’t be fair to her.

She let me stay home from school all the time in exchange for doing housework. I wonder whether that is because she didn’t want me getting a good education, becoming more intelligent than her and potentially getting a good and well paid job? Maybe that would threaten her.

She hates me having counselling – obviously. She tells everyone my fiancé and my therapist brainwash me. I don’t have my own mind and these can’t possibly be my decisions. Is that to protect herself or because she knows how easily manipulated and brainwashed SHE made me?!

Christ even when I passed my driving test she said the examiner only passed me as I wouldn’t be on the road often. I couldn’t have earned that pass. I couldn’t have that independence, that achievement.

All of these things I’ve known before…. but now it’s like I’m slitting them together and can see the bigger, clearer picture.

So on my wedding day when I’m standing there making my vows to the one that makes me happy and who truly encourages me to be the real me, she will not be welcome. And neither will her flying monkey lapdog who tries to intimidate me and do her dirty work for her – allowing her to play the poor, innocent victim.

What kind of mother wants to hold their child back?

The kind that feels inadequate and less than herself – despite the fake self cover up that’s taken her over. The narcissistic defence trying to fool herself and everyone else.

If only she could dig deep and feel her own pain and get some help this may be a different story.

She doesn’t want me to thrive.

Friday @ 5.23pm

Last Friday as I sat on the train after work, I read my Mother’s “Goodbye” message.

Tonight, I jumped on a packed train which was about to leave and found one remaining seat.. I sat down and when I looked up my Mother’s Enabler (sorry, husband) was sat opposite me. He was glaring at me just like he did the night he threw me out of their house. He clearly didn’t know what to do or say but boy he looked cross!!

I was shocked and as it clicked it was him, said “oh…. hi…” and he sort of made a noise (this all happened soooooo fast!). I then said “I think I’ll move” and got up as he said (loudly) “I think you should yes!!”.

I got off of the train and walked down another few carriages before getting back on but when I got on, I realised my heart was pumping so hard and fast, my legs had gone to jelly and my hands were sweating.

I phoned my fiancé and told him he said “oh shit!!!”. I don’t think he could believe it. What are the bloody chances?? Of all the seats and all the people and all the train carriages (and trains) for me to end up sitting directly opposite him.

I’m still on the train as I write this and I’m very nervous. I’m nervous that he will get off the train at my station and come and shout at me. Obviously he knows where I get off so there’s no hoping he won’t know….

My fiancé said he will come and pick me up but I’ll still have to leave the station to get to where he is parked so it might not actually help…. I’m sure he text my mother instantly. I wonder what he told her? Probably that he told me to move knowing him. He will want her to think he’s all powerful….

How will she react? Will she send me more messages telling me to grow up or telling me I’m rude or something?

Will he lie and tell her I said or did something I didn’t? Or will he not tell her at all?

I can’t believe at the exact same time as last Friday I’m on the train feeling all nervous and worried and stressed and tense and apprehensive…. this happens every time I begin to feel comfortable or relaxed.

What’s next??

I’m telling myself if he comes after me trying to shout at me and give me a piece of his mind, I will simply say I have nothing to say to you and walk away. I say that now but I would actually like to smack him in his ugly face and tell him that his remaining daughter (the other is estranged) is considering cutting him off because of my Mum and we can’t all be wrong! – but I won’t… I won’t for her sake.

This is why I struggle to have compassion and sympathy for him. I know he’s caught up in it, that he has been brainwashed and is enabling her. I bet he’s codependent and blah blah blah… but the fact is that a 63 year old man is aggressive and nasty to me, and it is not his argument. This whole “sticking up for me” bollocks my mother spouts is ridiculous. And she wonders why I said I’ve lost respect for him… (and maybe called him a pathetic lapdog… oops).

Bloody shitting fuck bags

Another fantasy

I’m walking down the aisle on our wedding day. I feel beautiful in my dress with my hair and make up done, new shoes and I’m about to marry the kindest and most loving man I could have ever dreamt of.

I look around and there she is! She’s there looking unsure how I’ll react to seeing her.

I smile a huge smile so she knows… so she relaxes knowing she’s welcome.

My heart relaxes. My heart is happy. I can now marry my wonderful man without any sadness in my body at all.

Afterwards we will cuddle and she will cry with pride and joy. The rest of the day, she enjoys with the rest of the family and I regularly look at her and smile.

We both know there’s plenty unsaid, but we know we have each other back now. We know this horrible empty phase is over.

I wish…

The feelings right now:

I don’t WANT to be “no contact”.

I don’t WANT to feel so sad. So guilty.

I feel as though I’m only doing this because it’s what I “should” be doing. Because it’s what the books say, because it’s what the audiobooks say… it’s what T implies and my fiancé seems to think is best.

I don’t WANT to try to heal or try to get through it. I don’t want to try and keep my mind busy so I don’t fall apart crying.

I also don’t want to just backpedal to her and say sorry – because the only thing I am actually sorry for is upsetting her. I still mean what I said about how I felt unloved and that she’s been saying horrible things about me and my fiancé behind my back.

What I want is for her to say she misses me and doesn’t want to lose me. That she can’t even sleep at night and she’s prepared to do anything it takes for us to try and get back on track. I know that won’t happen and that’s what breaks my heart in two I suppose.

In these moments I’m a child who wants her mummy to come and cuddle her and say it’s all going to be okay because a mummy never leaves her babygirl. That she never gives up on her. That her pride means absolutely fuck all compared to her daughter.

She would break down in tears and say she is sorry I ever felt like that and that she would do it so differently if she could go back in time.

I would feel validated at last. We would talk about the triangulation with my sister and the lies she’s told about my fiancé and try to put that to bed …. we would all feel so much relief and then I could continue planning my wedding without the great sadness and guilt in the back of my mind.

Everything would fall into place and the rest would be fixed with time and honesty.

My anger would vanish and so she would never worry about us rowing like “that” again. I wouldn’t feel resentment.

And we would start a fresh. I would feel loved and heard and she would feel relief like never before.

Life would feel much, much happier. I’d sleep easily. I’d wake up thankful.

Grieving

It’s Sunday evening here, 6.45pm.  The kids have just left to go home which means I have about half an hour of alone time to write.

It has now been exactly 2 days since my mother’s text and I am still in a bit of shock I think.  I absolutely fell apart on Friday night, I don’t think I have ever felt sadness like it before in my life.  I went from feeling a bit numb to absolute grief and then I found myself desperate to fix things.  I think I wrote this on Friday night but I was seconds away from knocking at my mother’s door.  In my fantasy she would see me standing there, broken, totally heartbroken and would realise I am in pain too.  I would finally get through to her that it isn’t me trying to punish her, it’s my desperate attempt to find some validation and empathy from her.

My fiancé started calm but as I got more and more decided on driving to her, he had to get a bit firmer.  He said lots of very obvious and practical things that I didn’t want to hear such as “how many times have you already tried this?”.  I was mad with him at this time because he didn’t understand! How could he? NOBODY could understand what this pain is like.  I said to him, bitterly “don’t you want me to have my mum?” and “I don’t want to just give up on  my mother!!”.  The tears were like a tsunami.  I’ve never cried so deeply in my life. I know this sounds rather dramatic doesn’t it but honestly, it was just pure grief pouring out of me.

Eventually I exhausted myself enough to fall asleep on the sofa where I slept for an hour before my fiancé woke me and I went to bed.  When I woke up yesterday morning I still just couldn’t believe what was happening.  I emailed T in the morning to tell her what had happened and how hard it had hit me and she suggested we spoke by phone that afternoon. I was really grateful and relieved for the chance to speak with her.

When I did speak with her, it was reassuring but I could feel some kind of anger in me that I didn’t want to feel.  It didn’t feel that she understood quite how badly this was affecting me. She seemed very matter of fact and said a few things like how I needed to just sit with it for now and do nothing.  That I had to just be still.  She spoke very…. matter of factly I guess and I was trying hard not to fall apart on the phone to her which is what I think I wanted to do.  I cried a lot and I’m not even really sure if she knew I was crying or not. I get the feeling that perhaps she was trying to pull me out of the place I was in a bit.. perhaps she thought she would make me worse if she was too sympathetic? I don’t know.

I made some notes whilst we spoke, here are some of the things I managed to jot down:

  • She has really pushed the guilt button hasn’t she
  • She has lost control and can’t reel you back in
  • Her message is spiteful and like a toddler has written it
  • You need to just do nothing now and sit with it
  • She wants you to go running back to her, take the blame and say sorry.  Each time you do that it will just hurt you more
  • She is truly furious that you have found a steady man. She wants you to go from disaster to disaster like she did. She always knew that if you found a nice man, you’d be gone from her
  • She is envious
  • You are feeling the desperate need to stay attached
  • You are re-experiencing it at the moment.  I need to take her role for a while
  • She is game-playing
  • You are grieving not having had a mother
  • You need to stop fighting now
  • You are in the bargaining phase of grief – questioning what you could have done differently and what you could do to make it better

After about 30 minutes T said she had to go shortly as someone was coming over and that she just wanted a quick check-in with me.  She said I didn’t need to pay for this.  I was thankful it was free AND thankful that I got to speak to her but if I am totally honest, not being prepared that it wasn’t a proper hour shocked me and I had to fight against feeling upset about that. I tried to be adult and just be grateful for the chance to talk to her at all.

When we ended our call I fell about crying again. I was on my bed hugging my teddy so hard.  The grief really took over again and I just felt so young and so alone.  I want to get my mum back so much.

I don’t WANT to “sit with it” and I don’t want to “stop fighting”. I JUST WANT MY MOTHER TO BE NORMAL AND LOVE ME AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON FOR NEEDING SOMETHING FROM HER!!!

I don’t WANT to have to get through this or heal from anything. I don’t want to have to be strong and “hang in there”.  I shouldn’t bloody have to feel like this in the first place.

I feel like I’ve lost my mother through being stubborn. I told T that. I told her, all of this because I was so bloody stubborn about needing an apology – it seems stupid.  T said that she is actually relieved my mother didn’t give me an apology because she wouldn’t have meant it and I would have got sucked back in.  She said she has actually done me a favour. She also said an apology wouldn’t have helped me because it isn’t about an apology – it’s about needing her to be a completely different person to who she is.

I hated that. I still hate that.

I feel guilt like never before. I’ve been told and read so many times that the guilt isn’t mine but it feels like it is.  I am making my mother hurt.  She said she has been so upset for weeks and said that Christmas absolutely broke her.  Thinking of her falling apart breaks my heart.  I feel the same. Why am I allowing two people to feel like this when I have the power to stop it all? How can I not feel guilty about that?

T says it is inconceivable to her as a mother that a mother would just give up and walk away.  My best friend said the same thing – as did my fiancé.  So WHY has my mum walked away from me? Because I’ve pushed her too far.  I’ve pushed her to her limit and she is too hurt and upset to keep fighting me.

I have been trying to remind myself that she hasn’t chosen not to speak to me or have me in her life – she has just said that she is giving up on waiting to hear from me and then wishes me happiness and says she will think of me daily.  But it felt and still FEELS like a goodbye.  That makes me think that she would like to have me in her life… but I guess the next sentence is “if I let go of this need for an apology” and I suppose she would then need an apology from me for all of the hurt I have put her through.

And then I think, well what about me?

Is she wondering if I am falling apart with grief? Is she worried how I am feeling and whether my Christmas was ruined as a result? Is SHE not tempted to drive to MY house and hope that if we saw one another face to face we would find a way to get through to each other? It doesn’t feel like that.  I think she is so caught up in her hurt and in defending herself that she can’t see my pain.  I do genuinely think she thinks this is all my fiancé’s doing and that he has turned me against her.  That pisses me off because he hasn’t and he wouldn’t – he isn’t that type of person. He loves me in every way that a mother could wish for her daughter’s husband to love her.  She just can’t see that. and that is such a shame.

He said that I’ve spent enough time, tears and energy on her now and that I need to forget about her and try to concentrate on making myself happy again. He said I need to start doing things that make me happy and stop fighting people. Whether that is her or her friends or other family members – my sister perhaps. He said that we need to start sticking to our plans and not let her ruin them (we were meant to be out Friday night before she sent her message).

It just doesn’t fee real.  I can still picture her face so easily. I can still picture what she would do and say so well. I can’t imagine never seeing her again. I don’t want to have to picture a life without her in it. I don’t want to experience my wedding day without her there.  It is so easy for T or my fiancé to say that I am grieving the idea of the mother and not really her.. but it doesn’t feel like that.

She lives ten minutes away from me. She is so close and yet she is miles away….. how can that be?

I wonder constantly, will she try again or will she really never contact me again?

I wonder how this will end. I can’t imagine I will be able to go through the pain without trying to make it stop.  Imagine if she died and then the choice was taken away from me? I would never forgive myself.

 

 

 

 

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Heartbreak like never before

After my empowered message I spent today feeling good. You guys and your replies felt amazing. I felt proud of myself and felt pleased for following my gut instinct and saying what I truly wanted to say.

Guess what I’m going to say next?

But…. always a fucking but!

Tonight I’ve received a long and painful reply that ends by saying she won’t be contacting me anymore. That she hopes I am happy and don’t regret my decisions because life is precious and you can’t get time back. That she will think of me everyday because I will always be her [twink].

I’ve cried harder than I think I’ve ever cried the last few hours. My head is thumping and my face is now red and sore.

My fiancé had to stop me as I nearly drove to her house to make her see sense.

I feel absolute heartbreak and grief like I’ve never known. I don’t want to be without a mum. I can’t believe how painful, real and scary this feels. I feel as though she’s died and I’ve permanently ruined something that I can never fix.

My stomach is in bits too.

I know it’s all emotional right now and so logic isn’t playing a part in this, but right now I’m so scared it makes me want to see her more than ever.

I want my mum. I don’t want to be motherless.

She’s text…

She’s text. It says:

Hi, do you want to meet up and talk? You must understand that we are both going to have different views over things past and present but the longer this goes on, the more damage it is doing.  You are my daughter and I love you unconditionally but would like nothing more than to get this sorted? Do you want to meet for a coffee?

Advice Please: Do I send the letter? (Edited comment at end of blog)

This Goodbye Mother letter is playing heavily on my mind.

I really think I want to send it. It is the only one I’ve ever wanted to send. The others helped just to write them but I always chickened out of sending them because I wasn’t yet ready for the consequences of her never speaking to me again.  Now it is different because I have finally accepted the truth and now I do not want to speak to her.

People on a forum I’m on (Out Of The Fog) have wisely advised me that sending the letter isn’t always a great idea.  Some people have suggested that it could be used against me, showed to people, put on social media and used as part of a fresh smear campaign.  Some people suggested I was wasting my energy sending it and some said it was good to write it but not to actually send it – that it was a wasted attempt at getting an answer or apology.

But here’s the thing

I seriously DON’T want a response.  I do not want a reply. I do not want a letter back or for her to phone me and ask for us to meet and talk.  I am done.

My reasons for sending it are as follows:

  1.  It feels like closure.  I am setting out MY side, uninterrupted and uncensored.  It is the total truth and I am telling MY story not fearing the consequences.
  2. Something about it feels like I am owning my power.  I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way but it feels like sending it empowers me more. Somehow it makes me feel less like a scared little girl and more like an empowered and strong woman owning her story.
  3. It prevents me feeling like I owe any further explanations for my no contact.  There cannot be any words of how she doesn’t know what she has done.
  4. I get the chance to respond to her lies – that I have lost my mind, gone crazy, been brainwashed, am obsessed with my therapist.
  5. I get the chance to say “no more”.
  6. I get the chance to tell her she is NOT invited to our wedding.
  7. I get the chance to give the money back – AND document it.

BUT… what I want to know is, what do you guys think? Do can you see the reasons I want to send it? Do you think it is a bad idea?

The only thing I am sure of is that the letter genuinely isn’t hoping for a nice, empathetic response. I am not expecting any of it to get through to her. It isn’t meant as punishment either.  I do get that I can know and own my truth and my story without sending it.. but I don’t want to feel any guilt that perhaps she doesn’t know how I feel fully or perhaps she will contact me soon or right before my wedding.. it kinda makes me feel like I get to end the whole situation in some way.

Comments?

[EDIT] – Thank you to everyone who has commented. I have read them all but am too tired to respond directly right now. I am going to bed now and will sleep on it but thank you all. I may not have wanted “don’t send it” to be the response but I am sure you are all thinking of me and so I need to listen to you all – as shit as that it.  Thank you x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sliding Doors

Has anyone seen the film Sliding Doors? I watched it when I was about 11 years old for the first time, I remember this clearly because there was a sex scene in it and I was watching it with my Nan and remember feeling extremely awkward!

The general concept of the film is about how life can go in different directions.  It begins with a story line of what happens when a character DOES make the train, and another storyline where the character DOES NOT catch the train.  From that point, their life goes in two different directions.

I have been thinking about this film today because I find myself wondering a lot these last few days how my life could have gone.  Not so much in general terms but specifically around the events with my mother and her NPD.  What would have happened if I had stayed the Golden Child and remained enmeshed with her – what would my life look like right now?

I’ve been reflecting on my life a lot since writing the Goodbye Mother letter and today I was thinking how the first 18 years or so my mother fell into the category of “Ignoring Narcissistic Mother” but when I became 18 and old enough to drink and smoke and go to clubs and date men and share clothes with her, idolise her… she fitted better in the category of “Engulfing Narcissistic Mother” – this is the stage where the control and enmeshment began.

Now what would have happened if I hadn’t met my current fiancé and started therapy? Would I still be enmeshed with her? Would I be a narcissist myself by now? Maybe I would have met another man but not started therapy and therefore never realised the dynamic I was in! Perhaps I would have met a narcissistic man or more of the same type I used to meet, emotionally unavailable.  Perhaps I would have spent my entire life trying to fix them and have the happy ending I never got with my mother.  It’s a sad thought.

The “storyline” I find myself in now is one where I am playing the starring role of “Narcissistic Mother’s Scapegoat”. I am not only her scapegoat mind, but also my sister’s who is playing the lead role of “Golden Child” and, not only that but I think potentially “Narcissistic Golden Child”.

scape

There are basically two roles you can play when you have a mother as narcissistic as mine.  The Scapegoat or the Golden Child (you could also be a lost child but there is only two of us).  The perks of being the Golden Child are that you have the narcissistic mother’s protection.  She will agree with you (in public at least), she will tell you that you are “just like her” and if she is anything like my own mother, tell you that you are in fact a “mini me”. Now considering how much she thinks of herself, this is meant as the highest type of compliment. The downside to being the GC is that you are not allowed to be your true, authentic self, have your own (differing) opinions on things or allowed to say no or argue with her.  You are no longer a different person, a person with differing interests, hobbies, thoughts etc – you are enmeshed and an extension of the narcissist.  Also just because you are picked as GC doesn’t mean you are no longer abused in any way, you still are, it is just much more subtle and hard to detect.  In my case when I was GC my mother would regularly tell me how I needed to lose weight or change my hair, do my make up differently, shop in different shops and become more fashionable – but she would tell you that she loved you and this was all for your benefit! She just wanted you to make the best of yourself!

The downsides to being the Scapegoat are many: The narcissist and whoever her enablers are, perhaps siblings or step-parents project anything and everything negative onto you.  YOU are the sole cause of anything bad in the family or in life generally.  You are trouble, evil, mentally unstable.  It is VERY hard to have a strong enough sense of self/self-esteem to not start to feel guilty about all this crap that you are told repeatedly is your fault.  There is the gaslighting, the narcissistic family will make you doubt yourself and your memories and version of events.  At some stage you do think to yourself, “shit, they can’t all be wrong can they?”.  You start to think that if ALL of them have one story and you have a different story… well, maybe it is you after all? That is tough.  The gaslighting is the stage I’m at right now.  Apparently this is really stereotypical for a narcissist when confronted but my mother (and sister) are telling me that I “have gone fucking crazy”, am “brainwashed” and that they are not sure “what is going on in my head right now”.  Gaslighting at it’s finest.   This causes cognitive dissonance.. BIG TIME.

There is inevitably the fear element as well.  I struggled with this BIG TIME.  The fear and the guilt were definitely my biggest struggles.  There is also something really hard about admitting that you, adult you, is scared of your parent.  I DID NOT want to admit that I was scared of her, of what she would say, what she would do, of upsetting her.  What would the consequences me? How would she punish me? It was all very illogical but the fear was real.

And lastly, the worst one for me at present – you are isolated and ostracised from anyone that enables the narcissist or is scared of them or perhaps equally as abusive as them.  I currently find myself watching to see which member of my family is next to be “disappointed” with me or cut me off. Narcissists cannot and do not accept people disagreeing with them. That truly is the ultimate betrayal to them.  You are on their side (yes pathetic) or you are against them and that is that.  You will be shocked at the amount of people who “side” with the narcissist, even ones that know stories or have seen evidence of their abuse in the past.  It is shockingly shit and nothing can prepare you for it.  My sister was my mother’s scapegoat for years until we swapped places and she used to suffer with depression because of it – yet she is very happy abusing me right now and ganging up with my narcissistic mother against me.

That is a long and bleak list of downsides to being a scapegoat I know but what about the perks?

Anyone who finds themselves in the role of the scapegoat will be naturally empathetic and sensitive.  The fact that they find themselves in that role shows that they are a truth-seeker and more importantly, I think, they have somehow held on to their authentic true self and believe me that is not an easy thing to do against a narcissist and her army.  But the clear winner here has to be the pure fact that the scapegoat escapes the dysfunctional family – they ESCAPE!! They get away from playing roles and being gaslighted or projected onto.  They escape the FOG – the fear, obligation and guilt.  They no longer have to be on guard or put on a mask, a fake self to try to stay safe around the narcissistic/dysfunctional family.  They can heal and finally be validated for all of their struggles and pain.  They can have a kind and empathic witness emotionally hold them as they navigate their way through all the grief and pain and begin to heal from the years of abuse.

I saw a meme today which said it should be called the “Escape Goat” rather than the “Scapegoat” which I think is perfect.

Anyway, I feel at peace today for all of the reasons above and other reasons which I find harder to articulate that I would never wish to swap roles and be the GC again. Never.  Being the Scapegoat is emotionally very difficult, it can be extremely lonely and draining but I honestly felt like something was missing from my life until quite recently – I spent my life unconsciously desperate for approval, for affection and to be told that I was good enough.  I was always trying to fill the painful mother hole/wound that was still raw as hell and now, all of a sudden, I am seeing things differently.  Now I am truly seeing and believing fully that it wasn’t ever me or my fault.  She has a personality disorder.  I was not too sensitive, too needy, pathetic, boring, stupid, fat, brainwashed or evil.

This sounds a bit egotistical but I feel like I must have more strength than I’ve ever given myself credit for or was even aware of myself.  I have (thanks to T) been able to fight against her abuse, lies and punishment.

I feel lucky in a strange way, not lucky that I had to go through any of it of course and I do still grieve for the fantasy mother and probably will for a long time, but my life could have gone the other way, like in Sliding Doors – I could have never got away.