Fucked

I don’t even know where to begin in writing this. All I know is that everything feels completely fucked at the moment and I feel like I’m living in a constant state of stress and anger.

Being honest I haven’t felt properly happy for a few weeks. Maybe it’s even longer, I don’t know. All I know is that now it feels impossible to push away or ignore and now it feels huge.

Work has been extremely busy. We have 2 of the team away on a longish term basis, one on internal secondment and another has broken her arm. Then we have the usual team holidays and sicknesses so things have been busier than normal. I, personally, have been very busy because one of the partners I work for is very demanding and he likes to ensure that he dominates me so that my other partners don’t get a look in.

Anyway, the point in that background is that work has been busy and so it’s only natural that I would feel stressed. However the stress I’ve been feeling doesn’t feel quite in line with the situation. I’ve found myself feeling like I might cry, I’ve felt extreme anger flushing over me. I’ve wanted to call in sick (I haven’t) and every evening when I leave, I feel thoroughly drained. But I didn’t pay that much attention to it to be honest because it is what it is…

However on Tuesday in my therapy session I ended up in another disagreement with T because I told her that I wanted to drop my second session. We’ve had the exact same conversation twice before and it never ends well. We don’t agree. She wants me to continue with twice a week therapy because she said it’s healing and that it changes the whole dynamic of my therapy even if I don’t feel like that. I argued that I don’t feel I need two a week anymore and that whilst I did; I don’t now. In truth my second session had felt like a friendly chat for quite some time but now it’s beginning to feel like a chore. I never thought I would say that but I find myself feeling like it’s another job to do in the week, much the same as going to work, doing the food shopping etc. I don’t know why that is, but there we go.

I left T’s Tuesday evening feeling angry and upset. I was beyond frustrated. I then came home and started to cook dinner but nothing was working. The hob wouldn’t light, the cutlery drawer would not close and the broken oven was, well, broken. I flew into a rage and started slamming the drawer. An hour or so later I cried and cried to my husband about my session and then he told me this…

He told me that I am not good at accepting that someone else may have a different opinion to me. He said that whenever someone does, I get really angry and very extreme in my reactions. He picked a recent example where me and him had disagreed on something (whether I should contact my sister or not) and he said that I started to say that if we didn’t agree then there was a really big problem in our marriage etc.

It hurt hearing him say that. A lot actually and it hurt to know that he held that view/opinion of me whilst I never knew. Obviously it’s not a nice thing to hear and I felt embarrassed and ashamed but also I felt wrongly judged.

Having had this work stress, then the therapy session stress and then come home to that, I felt pretty done in and the feeling inside was crap.

Then yesterday evening I came home and cooked dinner and watched some tele and when we went to bed, my husband rolled over and was silent. I have told him a few times in recent months that I would like it if he at least said goodnight and gave me a kiss. Whenever I’ve said that he quickly kisses me but it’s felt shit because it’s like he’s doing it to shut me up. It’s been something that’s been playing on my mind and last night when he did the same thing I felt the pain in my chest again and told him so. Where has the affection gone?

It didn’t go well. He huffed and puffed and got irritated. He kept moaning that it was late and that he was tired and snapped why did I always want to talk about these things so late at night. I ended up crying (again) and told him that I didn’t feel he loved me as much as he used to. I said that all the little affectionate things seem to have vanished and that it was worrying me and playing on my mind.

In truth it goes a little deeper than this. I wrote recently about our arguments about money and how T had voiced her concerns that this trait in my husband may end up coming between us because it really sucks the joy out of things. Since we moved into our house 2 weeks ago, nothing between us has felt the same. We bickered constantly at first and then the money arguments and now this… his reaction to me saying I didn’t feel very loved anymore didn’t help ease my mind at all. In fact, his irritation only added to the feeling of unease.

Perhaps it is dramatic but my mind started thinking that the love was seeping out of our marriage and that sooner or later we would both feel we were trapped in a loveless marriage and one of us may have an affair and we would end up divorced. He told me not to be so dramatic. He said he felt things were fine and said he felt the same as he always had.

I know I can’t possibly say how he feels, but so many things have changed and all of the insecurity I used to feel has come flooding back. For years now I’ve not felt like this. Surely there’s a reason for that?

He claims since we moved I have been highly strung and that since I’ve calmed down, we’ve been fine. That really didn’t help.

After this I couldn’t sleep and I tossed and turned so much (apparently) that he flew out of bed in a rage shouting that I was keeping him awake and he stormed out of the bedroom closing the door behind him. I don’t know what he did but he did come back soon and he started scratching his skin really hard and loudly (he has eczema) but I could tell it was in anger. Then I was too scared to move an inch and so I lay there wide awake feeling utterly shit all night.

I’m now on the train to work and my eyes hurt. My heart hurts too. I’m confused about so many things. Am I being stupid? Am I triggered and projecting onto him or something? Am I right to feel the way I do? Why don’t I feel his love the way I did? And why since moving has everything in my world felt like it’s going to be ruined at any moment?

I used to feel like I had one of the happiest and most loving marriages of anyone I knew. Now I am feeling like that is never coming back.

It feels like so many aspects of my life are hard to tolerate that I feel like I may combust at any moment. It’s a horrible feeling.

14 thoughts on “Fucked

  1. I’m sorry things are so hard right now. I wonder if you could find a compromise and use the second session a week (for a certain amount of time) focusing on talking about your marriage? I’ve been doing that and it’s really helped me and had an impact on my husband. Just an idea. All is not lost, thin just feel hard right now. Try to remember the things you guys used to do that made you feel like you had a super solid relationship and bring some of those things back. I want to believe that your therapist is ethical and has your best interests at heart therefore maybe the second session a week is useful just now. You could always suggest working towards dropping the second one and give it a time limit? Sometimes as the client we can’t see what’s good for us. I hope that doesn’t sound invalidating. I know how awful all this feels 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thank you so much for this. I really needed a reply from someone today!! 😔

      My T said we can talk about it after Xmas but to be honest it feels like she’s just fobbing me off.

      I absolutely know what you mean about not being able to see what’s good for us and that’s half the problem – I can’t work out whether I should trust myself or whether she’s seeing something that I am not. Likewise for my husband.

      How can things change so much in such a short space of time? Literally my marriage felt fine 3 weeks ago! It all seems to have changed so quickly and I can’t keep up.

      Today I’m exhausted from not sleeping and my eyes are stinging. I am cold and want to cry and be in bed.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve been experiencing something very similar and the adult part of me would say that when something seems to change so drastically and so quickly, then it’s probably not reality and have more to do with our perceptions being warped because of our attachment styles and trauma histories. As frustrating as it is. It’s like seeing something through a lens that distorts things – we don’t always see things accurately. Maybe your husband is tired or pissed off about something (you need to try to ask him when the time is right) but that doesn’t mean your whole marriage is fucked. Trust me when I say I HAVE SO BEEN WHERE YOU ARE! The catastrophising feels so real but it’s not real. Things will settle down. You guys just moved house, that’s very stressful. Maybe tell your husband you’d like to have an open conversation about how you’re both feeling and that you’re willing to work hard at listening even if his feelings and opinions differ from yours. Then take that conversation to therapy to help you dissect it and figure out what it means to all the parts of you (esp the wounded child who is always afraid she will be abandoned).

        Do you trust your therapist? How long have you worked together? Has she always shown you that she has your best interests in mind? Does she tend to get things right with you? – you don’t have to answer these questions but they might help you figure out if you want to trust her judgement on this one. Sometimes the need to control every situation makes it feel impossible to let go and let people help. It’s frightening to imagine we don’t know sides of ourselves as well as other people do. But your husband and your therapist are two people you should be able to trust deeply, ask yourself if you can trust them and maybe experiment with letting go of the control a bit. I wanna day again that I’m speaking from a please of being there, pretty much right now actually. And I know it hurts ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s pretty much what my husband said – that just because we’ve had a few silly arguments, doesn’t mean our entire marriage is fucked and basically that’s why it hasn’t become a huge problem in his head like it has in mine.

        I feel like you’re right and it is me catastrophising and I feel that it is my attachment style making me triggered and fearing abandonment…… I can actually *feel* that yet at the same time it feels that reality so that’s weird and difficult to hold. You seem to have such a clear grasp on this!! It’s annoying and disappointing for me though, because I used to feel like that every day in all of my relationships and I haven’t done for about 3/4 years – so why on earth am I suddenly back in this triggered/insecure/activated attachment system place? Why?

        I know it sounds super dramatic, but I genuinely feel physically sick today. I’m exhausted too which isn’t helping and all I want to do is cry and sleep and hide away. I used to feel like this so often but nowadays I never do and that’s been SUCH a relief. Until now.

        Yes I do absolutely trust her. I’ve been seeing her for 5 years now. 2 years of that has been twice-weekly. I absolutely believe that she has my best interests in mind, I really do… buuuutttt I’ve also held the strong belief she would keep me there forever if she could. Not in a big-headed way at all, it’s just such a battle whenever I say this to her. I want to celebrate my improvement and my no longer feeling so dependent on her by reducing my sessions but she feels I should stay and just enjoy the nice, healing qualities that twice-weekly therapy give me. She even said that even if it is just a chatty session about every day life stuff on a Thursday, I don’t have a mum to do that with (or anyone else) and so I should just give myself that gift….

        I am a huge control freak so that’s very valid.

        My husband and I were “joking” around a few days ago about the new place and he said “jokingly” that we probably have a couple of years left until we will break up, because for a couple of years we will be remembering all the good times and return to bring them back until we admit defeat and then we will divorce and he will stay in the new house. I told him “jokingly” that he couldn’t afford it and that he could go and live with his parents again and good luck finding a new partner who isn’t put off by that and he said that “well, where would you go? You can’t even go to your mum”.

        It was a really, really, horrible, nasty “jokey” conversation and one that hurt. I didn’t show the hurt because “it was a joke” but it fed into all of my deepest fears right now.

        My husband has always said there’s a bit of truth in every joke. Which was my reply to him at the time.

        It probably was a joke but it’s hurt me at quite a deep level I think xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Your feelings are totally real and valid, the fear that your marriage is ending and that he will leave you. My husband and I have made an agreement to never even joke about the things that trigger us (like divorce) because even when it’s in jest, it hurts. I’d urge you to ask him for clarification that he was joking, then maybe make some sort of pact that you’ll keep those jokes away for the sake of your sanity. They stick around forever otherwise.

        I know you’re frustrated that the fears have come back but I just see so much progress in what you’re saying. They’ve come back but you have the perspective to see that it’s catastrophising. So you’ve made massive progress. Therapy doesn’t make us stop feeling things and it doesn’t take our triggers away. Nor does it completely change our attachment styles with certain people. But what it does do is strengthen parts of our brains that can mentalise – so we can think about thinking and think about feeling. It helps us strengthen the adult ego so that we can see clearly that we are being triggered. Rather than being uncontrollably overwhelmed in the middle of it all. So this ‘episode’ is here to show you how far you’ve come!

        Stick to the two sessions a week for a wee while but dedicate some of your work to how you feel about her encouraging you to stay when you want to reduce the sessions. Really talk it all through with her, everybody detail, and ask her to do her own work on it in therapy and in supervision to see if she is being triggered by you wanting to reduce your sessions. After all therapy isn’t a friendly chat, it’s your therapy. It should never be about her needs and should only ever be what you want.

        Oh and I only have some clarity over this because I have worked on it a bit myself and it’s not my life I’m talking about right now 😂 it’s so much easier to see these things in other people’s lives! 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry your experiencing these things. Life has enormous stress now

    Your mind needs a break from the constant negative thinking, worrying, and that emotional rollercoaster is exhausting

    Nothing good comes from worrying for me, ever.

    Can you take time to rest, calm your mind, let thoughts go and self soothe yourself.

    Sound like you could use it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry you’re feeling so badly!!! You’re probably majorly stressed with everything; work and the move! And you’re spending the weekends unpacking, painting etc. instead of resting.
    You need some major treat yourself day: yoga, massage, relax.
    I think your husband might have some weird attachment thing going on for him, maybe a part of him misses his parents now that you moved out you know?
    But I agree with him that you have to have space for people disagreeing with you ( I also have hard time with this). Meaning, if you really think that second session is not necessary right now and it’s dtressing you out time and money wise, then maybe drop it. You don’t need your Ts blessing for this. You are strong and a big girl, and you have to realize that this relationship with T would survive even if you drop the second session and she disagrees with you. That might actually be a good step in the right direction actually. You have offered your opinion to T and she disagrees, but you can still go ahead and make your own decision based on your own feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your reaction is understandable. I agree that it doesn’t have to be an argument that ends your marriage and I think your husband is doing you a disservice by sweeping the money argument under the carpet. It’s not all on you even if he thinks it is. He’s probably not as okay as he is pretending to be as I get the impression that money is source of anxiety for him even if it doesn’t need to be. I agree that having an open discussion where you both listen instead of react to each other is needed.
    I think that what you lack, and this isn’t being critical of you, is the ability to step back and think about whether you need to react to your husband in the way that you do. He’s not your mother and he doesn’t seem like he would try to control you as she does/did. Even writing down how your husband is different to your mother may help you to look at it more rationally. My therapist asks me if my reaction is helpful to me. I’m not a CBT therapist but I do think that it may be helpful to you. Although DBT would help with emotion regulation.
    I’m not denying your right to be upset by this. I understand the fear of insecurity and abandonment. But I think that your past is ruling your present when it doesn’t have to – to a certain extent anyway. I think it’s just learning to communicate as an adult without being so defensive. We don’t need our defences with the majority of people. Although certain people like your husband need to listen to you!
    With regard to the session, I do think that T is kinda holding you back. In the past she has managed to convince you to keep the second session ‘just in case’, but it’s not a great reason. I do think that her motivation is positive because she cares for you, but the aim of therapy isn’t to find a replacement mother. It’s unethical of her to take money for something which isn’t of any benefit to you, but of benefit to her. The aim of therapy is not to need therapy!
    I hope things improve soon. x

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  5. I’m a big believer in if it feels like a chore it isn’t going to help. So while I understand that people may think you need the second session they should see that forcing you to do it will not help you any, if anything it may make you work against it.

    As for the lack of love. I think we have all been there. I use to get upset because my husband stopped kissing me. He stopped kissing me a few months into our marriage and we have been married for almost five years now. It always bothered me and I always hated it, I still hate it. Somehow we got into he topic of not kissing and he told me that when he had braces (he got braces shortly before we got married) he teeth were so sore that he dreaded kissing because it hurt and when he got them off a year later it was just a habit we developed.

    Maybe he’s feeling stressed too and the way he’s handling it is being distance because he doesn’t want to bother you which in turn makes more tension between the two of you.

    Have you guys thought of doing. Therapy together do one or two sessions to open the door of communication.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to periodically become convinced hubby had fallen out of love with me. Looking back, the fearful feelings of abandonment were already there, it just took the slightest thing for me to latch on to, to make them ‘real’. That doesn’t mean that you’re imagining it all, he may well be a bit pissed off with you at the moment but it sounds like he’s a very devoted husband who loves you very much but it probably takes a lot for you to believe that. That an argument won’t end in divorce. I always used to say that, I was convinced we were over. That then triggered me to push him away. Since fully going through transference with T, putting all those feelings into her, this no longer happens.

    Re the second session. Also been there. Also felt the shame of being told you’re not ready to fly the nest. I think T should be trusted here. You’ve come so far and doing so well, don’t take it as her saying you’re not. But given all the emotions in this post, I think there’s still stuff to work through. I think she’s hoping you’ll get to a place where you can really let rip at her and feel some stuff with her you couldn’t with your mum. That will be very healing. I could be wrong though! Can you ask her? What she thinks still needs to happen?

    After any period of gearing up to, being excited about something and devoting lots of thought and energy into something (moving house, getting married) I think there’s always a come down. Things never live up to our fantasies. Perhaps now you are settled in, the reality of your situation isn’t as good as you’d hoped? A bit more space for other stuff to bubble up? God I hate when I find myself saying the things T would say!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah thank you for asking, that’s so kind. I took a day off work on Friday and just spent it alone at home doing some decorating with my music on and that helped so much. Me and my husband appear to be getting on so much better now so I feel much more relaxed. I am on my way to work now, but my boss has a day off today so work shouldn’t be quite as manic. All good on the whole, hoping it stays this way!! Xx

      Liked by 2 people

  7. You know, I don’t agree with your therapist. It should be YOUR choice whether you want that second session or not. I don’t feel it’s appropriate that she’s not taking your needs and feelings regarding that seriously.

    As for things with your husband. Just remember that a move is one of the most stressful things we experience in life. We may not feel that it’s affected us, but it does. Just give yourself and your husband some time to settle in properly. It’s an adjustment phase.

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  8. I’m sorry t wont listen to you! that sucks! I don’t agree with her, you know what you need! she can say you need the extra session but only you know if you do or not! I hope you can work it out! As for your hubby and the marriage, I bet its just stress. You’ve had a lot of that lately. xoxo

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