I don’t even know where to begin in writing this. All I know is that everything feels completely fucked at the moment and I feel like I’m living in a constant state of stress and anger.
Being honest I haven’t felt properly happy for a few weeks. Maybe it’s even longer, I don’t know. All I know is that now it feels impossible to push away or ignore and now it feels huge.
Work has been extremely busy. We have 2 of the team away on a longish term basis, one on internal secondment and another has broken her arm. Then we have the usual team holidays and sicknesses so things have been busier than normal. I, personally, have been very busy because one of the partners I work for is very demanding and he likes to ensure that he dominates me so that my other partners don’t get a look in.
Anyway, the point in that background is that work has been busy and so it’s only natural that I would feel stressed. However the stress I’ve been feeling doesn’t feel quite in line with the situation. I’ve found myself feeling like I might cry, I’ve felt extreme anger flushing over me. I’ve wanted to call in sick (I haven’t) and every evening when I leave, I feel thoroughly drained. But I didn’t pay that much attention to it to be honest because it is what it is…
However on Tuesday in my therapy session I ended up in another disagreement with T because I told her that I wanted to drop my second session. We’ve had the exact same conversation twice before and it never ends well. We don’t agree. She wants me to continue with twice a week therapy because she said it’s healing and that it changes the whole dynamic of my therapy even if I don’t feel like that. I argued that I don’t feel I need two a week anymore and that whilst I did; I don’t now. In truth my second session had felt like a friendly chat for quite some time but now it’s beginning to feel like a chore. I never thought I would say that but I find myself feeling like it’s another job to do in the week, much the same as going to work, doing the food shopping etc. I don’t know why that is, but there we go.
I left T’s Tuesday evening feeling angry and upset. I was beyond frustrated. I then came home and started to cook dinner but nothing was working. The hob wouldn’t light, the cutlery drawer would not close and the broken oven was, well, broken. I flew into a rage and started slamming the drawer. An hour or so later I cried and cried to my husband about my session and then he told me this…
He told me that I am not good at accepting that someone else may have a different opinion to me. He said that whenever someone does, I get really angry and very extreme in my reactions. He picked a recent example where me and him had disagreed on something (whether I should contact my sister or not) and he said that I started to say that if we didn’t agree then there was a really big problem in our marriage etc.
It hurt hearing him say that. A lot actually and it hurt to know that he held that view/opinion of me whilst I never knew. Obviously it’s not a nice thing to hear and I felt embarrassed and ashamed but also I felt wrongly judged.
Having had this work stress, then the therapy session stress and then come home to that, I felt pretty done in and the feeling inside was crap.
Then yesterday evening I came home and cooked dinner and watched some tele and when we went to bed, my husband rolled over and was silent. I have told him a few times in recent months that I would like it if he at least said goodnight and gave me a kiss. Whenever I’ve said that he quickly kisses me but it’s felt shit because it’s like he’s doing it to shut me up. It’s been something that’s been playing on my mind and last night when he did the same thing I felt the pain in my chest again and told him so. Where has the affection gone?
It didn’t go well. He huffed and puffed and got irritated. He kept moaning that it was late and that he was tired and snapped why did I always want to talk about these things so late at night. I ended up crying (again) and told him that I didn’t feel he loved me as much as he used to. I said that all the little affectionate things seem to have vanished and that it was worrying me and playing on my mind.
In truth it goes a little deeper than this. I wrote recently about our arguments about money and how T had voiced her concerns that this trait in my husband may end up coming between us because it really sucks the joy out of things. Since we moved into our house 2 weeks ago, nothing between us has felt the same. We bickered constantly at first and then the money arguments and now this… his reaction to me saying I didn’t feel very loved anymore didn’t help ease my mind at all. In fact, his irritation only added to the feeling of unease.
Perhaps it is dramatic but my mind started thinking that the love was seeping out of our marriage and that sooner or later we would both feel we were trapped in a loveless marriage and one of us may have an affair and we would end up divorced. He told me not to be so dramatic. He said he felt things were fine and said he felt the same as he always had.
I know I can’t possibly say how he feels, but so many things have changed and all of the insecurity I used to feel has come flooding back. For years now I’ve not felt like this. Surely there’s a reason for that?
He claims since we moved I have been highly strung and that since I’ve calmed down, we’ve been fine. That really didn’t help.
After this I couldn’t sleep and I tossed and turned so much (apparently) that he flew out of bed in a rage shouting that I was keeping him awake and he stormed out of the bedroom closing the door behind him. I don’t know what he did but he did come back soon and he started scratching his skin really hard and loudly (he has eczema) but I could tell it was in anger. Then I was too scared to move an inch and so I lay there wide awake feeling utterly shit all night.
I’m now on the train to work and my eyes hurt. My heart hurts too. I’m confused about so many things. Am I being stupid? Am I triggered and projecting onto him or something? Am I right to feel the way I do? Why don’t I feel his love the way I did? And why since moving has everything in my world felt like it’s going to be ruined at any moment?
I used to feel like I had one of the happiest and most loving marriages of anyone I knew. Now I am feeling like that is never coming back.
It feels like so many aspects of my life are hard to tolerate that I feel like I may combust at any moment. It’s a horrible feeling.