It is Friday afternoon, quarter to 3 and honestly today is dragging soooooo badly. I am so ready to go home and have yawned non-stop today. I was actually in bed at my normal time having spent the evening at home alone watching my programmes and drinking tea so nothing deserving of this weird kind of hangover feeling that I have. I guess it is all the stress of the last few days mixed in with the relief of having got somewhere with T yesterday afternoon. I just feel drained.. completely drained.
I haven’t got clear thoughts or feelings to write about today but I am planning to try to document any feelings that come and go over the next few weeks post yesterday’s session. I cried as I typed up my previous blog yesterday early evening but the main feeling was utter relief. Later in the evening I started to think and rather than trying to explain it, I am going to write out my inner-dialogue here. It went something like this…
“Hmm yes I think if I could separate T from therapy then that would be the ideal situation. Because I want to see T and still have her present in my life but yet I don’t want to have to “do therapy” twice a week. But T is therapy.. there is no having one without the other. That sucks. If I could just see T without therapy… though it would be entirely different and I might not actually like it/might not actually benefit the way that I do from seeing her FOR therapy (not that it is an option either way – just saying). So therefore it kind of IS therapy that I want… with T.. so what is my issue with it “being therapy” then? What is it exactly that is causing this internal struggle?”
And then today it continues along these lines..
“Also it is interesting that I typed the following words last night without thinking them through “I know there’s nothing negative about doing that even if I don’t *need* to.. but the feeling I have is that I don’t WANT to NEED to”. Oh Christ… *replays T saying “I do think there are still some dependency issues at play here… not wanting to feel dependant”. God, is she right? Is this all about not wanting to depend on T? Surely we are passed that by now? I mean, I don’t feel I shy away from telling her or admitting to myself when I feel I *need* her….
Is she right that this has come on top of her 2 week break… is the upcoming break making me go into self-sufficiency mode? Am I “acting out” and trying to tell her I don’t need her anyway? Oh yuck.
It feels very weird… this whole thing is very weird. I felt instantly better when T agreed that we could talk about me dropping my second session – like the relief was huge (mainly because she was no longer horrible LOL) but I am aware that in the distance of my brain, there’s a little, tiny, brat piece of me saying “I don’t want it now that she said I can have it” and I actually feel really ashamed admitting that. Like what is that about? A toddler strop? Pushing/testing the boundaries?
Is T right that if I had gone there and said I needed to stop, temporarily or permanently and she had just agreed, would I have felt hurt? Seen it as a sign she doesn’t want me there anyway.. seen it as a sign that she wants rid of me etc? It’s hard to tell. Possibly though I suppose. Did I use this as a good time to tell her I needed to drop down/back a session knowing that she would respond the way she did (based on evidence from last time)? Was I trying to punish her? Clearly not consciously.. but unconsciously”
Seeing that written down actually makes me realise quite how much internal dialogue I have with myself!! I feel calm enough knowing I have no timescale and no rush to make any decision but yet I don’t feel fully calm because I feel inside that I have a decision to make and I am aware that I am trying to work something out still… figure out what I am thinking and feeling and what it all means. I feel a little fragile today I think.. I haven’t really admitted that to myself until writing this now. I feel a bit… needy to make sure things are really okay, that T is really okay with me – that WE are okay and will be okay regardless of what happens but obviously I am trying to hold on to the fact that they are, and I am too proud to tell her that considering the bloody topic(!) because imagine if I tell her this and then in a few weeks I tell her that I have thought long and hard about it and I DO want to cut back? It would be like giving her ammunition to use later (yes I know, interesting that I would think of it as ammo LOL).
Christ this blog has turned into me bloody psychoanalysing myself!!!!