Shit storm

On Saturday I was driving to my new house when my phone (which was in the cradle showing my map) began to ring. It was my sister’s Dad. The one who came to my house after I specifically said he wasn’t welcome and laid into me a few months ago about counselling and how I needed to move on and draw a line under my past. For details, the post is here.

I haven’t heard from him since that day until that call on Saturday and his timing was impeccable as I was VERY happy and excited and when I saw his name on my phone, panic hit and my heart started beating really, really fast and I felt nervous.

I ignored the call that day as I had many more things to think about.

Sunday, he called again. I ignored it.

This morning, when I was on the train he called again. I cut the call off. He phoned again, straight afterwards. I cut the call off. He called AGAIN and I cut the call off and text him to say I was on the train and would call him back.

I didn’t want to call him back but I knew I couldn’t avoid his calls forever. I was scared. Really, really scared. Disproportionately scared to the point that I nearly had a full on panic attack – even quite possibly did. I had to focus on my breathing to try and trick my body into calming down a bit. I was full of adrenaline. Petrified.

So, I bit the bullet and called him when I got off the train. The conversation started off like this:

Him: Oh hello Twink!!

Me: Hi.

Him: How are you? I was calling you the other day as Casper was on tele and it was the movie I took you to see when you were little, I thought you may like to have watched it with the kids!

Me: Right…

Him: Oh also, I haven’t got you an Easter egg because I don’t know where to take it to? Your mums said you’ve moved house?

Me: Err well to be honest, I think we have a few things to sort out before we start discussing Casper and Easter eggs.

Him: What things? There are no things to discuss from my point of view.

From there, the conversation took an almighty nose-dive. He told me I was a bully (to my sister). He told me I needed to grow up. That I wasn’t the girl he used to know, that I was clearly “still” angry. I told him that he really upset me last time I saw him, that he walked out of my house without saying goodbye etc, leaving  me crying and that I hadn’t heard from him for the last 2 months.

He told me that from his perspective things were fine and he was “still coming to your wedding – unless that’s changed?” and I said “well, yes, you won’t be unless we sort things out! Obviously!”.

He was very sarcastic, laughed a lot when I said he had hurt me/upset me and that I was a 30 year old woman that didn’t need to be “told off” by him. He told me that I took everything too personally and said the only thing he cared about was “his daughter” (my sister) and that he will not tolerate anyone bulling her. I told him I was certainly NOT bullying her and that me and her were okay. He laughed and said “well, we can agree to disagree on that point!”.  I told him my sister was 23 years old and didn’t need him fighting her battles. He said yes she did.

In the end, he said he wasn’t going to speak to me whilst I was “so angry”. I told him to have a lovely day (my turn at sarcasm).

And then, I burst into tears as I walked my journey to work. As you can imagine, by the time I got to work, I was in a total state. I was shaking and crying so hard I could barely breathe.

I feel totally exhausted from it all now, even 3 hours later.

I am confused. Did he REALLY think we were fine? Or was he hoping to just move on and forget how things ended? Was he genuinely interested in speaking to me? In coming to my wedding or was he hoping to get my address for my mother? So many questions.

Out of it all, calling me a bully has really upset me. That and the fact that when I was growing up, he was nice to me and yet I was always scared of him in one sense because when I was about 11, my mother sat me down and told me how he used to beat her up. How he nearly killed her and how I shouldn’t want to see anyone that hurt her that much. She put the fear of God into me and now the two of them are getting on like a house on fire and it’s me that they are attacking. Now she is using him to get to me – or perhaps he is doing that of his own accord.

The sad fact of the matter is that I am still scared of him. He is a scary man and he can be violent. I’ve seen him hurt people and women and wouldn’t put much past him. He works in the town I’ve just moved to, so now I am scared to see him.

I am drained from feeling frightened and nervous and scared and I am angry that I am always having to defend myself whilst being made to look like the bad guy.

When will this shit-storm ever end?

 

 

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Safe

I found out last night that my mother and stepfather have sold their house (it’s been up for sale for about a year now). Apparently they’ve lowered the price and secured a cash buyer and it’s all systems go!

I also found out that my sister is moving in with her boyfriend this weekend.

Big events hey?!

Anyway, very much in keeping with my blog last night, I’m feeling a bit happy with myself because I woke up this morning and my very first thought of the day was “something feels exciting… what is it?” And as I came to a bit more and thought back to the previous day, I remembered that I had blocked my mother and stepfather and THAT was the excitement that made its way to me at 6am whilst I was still half asleep and blurry eyes! Isn’t that madness?

I’ve thought a lot about the fact she will soon live elsewhere and that I won’t know where that is. Genuinely, it gives me a sense of freedom. It makes me feel safer somehow. I feel like perhaps I’m weird for feeling this way, but I like the fact I won’t know where she lives any longer, another link to her somehow cut?

My feelings about my sister moving in with her boyfriend are positive. My sister moving away from my mother’s house can only be a good thing, though unfortunately I’m sure they will still see my mother and stepfather at weekends for their parties and drinking. Meh. Maybe one day… I doubt it but hey, you never know, maybe some distance will give her a bit more courage and perhaps not living with her every day will help her to pull herself away from my mother’s claws enough to realise she will regret not being my bridesmaid when I’ve done nothing wrong – at least to her.

I know I may sound righteous and believe me, I’m under absolutely no false illusions that this feeling will die off soon and that perhaps I’ll be left feeling distraught, but I find myself almost giddy with relief again today. I feel free and empowered and safe!!!

I feel like I’m so free from her. All this because of blocking numbers? I don’t know.

I want to cling on to this feeling forever. I feel safe. Safe. I can’t stop writing that feeling. The guilt has (for now) vanished and I feel like I’m truly getting somewhere.

One step forward – possibly two back, only time will tell. But even if it is, I’m sticking my middle finger up at her whilst I enjoy the feeling of freedom and strength and empowerment.

The lightness cannot be overrated.

Euphoric

So, I did it.

I logged into Facebook this afternoon (my account has been deactivated since November after me and my mother fell out (“fell out? Ha! Maybe the word should be separated??)), anyway… and I went onto my mother’s page, had a look at her latest crap and then blocked her.

I surprised myself with how I felt after pressing that button.

I felt pure and utter relief.

Yep! Relief. I am surprised, I genuinely thought I’d fight sadness and guilt for sure but alas! I just felt relief. I felt as though a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It was almost euphoric!!!

With that feeling of euphoria I then went a step further and blocked my mother’s phone number in my phone and then on WhatsApp. I then deleted her number out of my phone (I’ve checked and it still blocks the number amazingly).

I then blocked her husband’s phone number and deleted him too.

And I can genuinely say, I feel VERY pleased. I’m proud and happy I’ve done it.

I have some small reservations that I still have plenty of “family” on Facebook so I don’t know if I’ll actually go back to using it or not… we’ll see… I worry that they will tell her what I’m up to, what I put on there – send her screen shots even.

Ooh on that note, I also deleted my “aunt” and her husband and my mother’s best friend.

Ha I wonder why pressing that button feels so good?? If only it was as simple as that in real life!

I move house Saturday and I’m very excited about it, but I wish in a way I would never be found. I wish nobody ever had to find out where I live so I could keep this feeling of safety.

Anyway, I’m pleased that I’ve done this and I’ve done this for my own sake.

For once I’ve put MY needs before her’s.

I hope that this continues, that I get braver each day, each week… I hope soon I don’t have to even fight against worrying about how she feels or what she might say or do. I think maybe I will get there one day.

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn’t

Tales of a Boundary Ninja

We all know that therapy is a unique relationship, unlike any other relationship that we experience. It defies classification in that while it shares aspects of other relationships -friend, lover, parent, colleague – it is not quite any of these things. One of its unique characteristics is a therapist’s reaction to your pain.

In most relationships, when you express pain, the other person’s natural reaction is sympathy; they feel bad for you. This sympathy is often followed by some action whose clear intent is to make you feel better or help relieve your pain. Human beings (at least sane ones) do not like being in pain. So much so that we find it painful to see people we care about, and even people we don’t particularly like, in pain. So there is an almost automatic human response of answering someone’s pain with comfort. If someone is crying, we offer a…

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RE-BLOG: Bondary Ninja on “Why your therapist seems cruel but really isn’t.

I’ve read this blog a thousand times. Today is a day where I find myself reading it, yet again. It is so helpful to me so I’m sharing it here for you guys in case it helps you, too.

https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/10/25/why-your-therapist-seems-cruel-but-really-isnt/

“What we do when we heal, is to finally allow ourselves to experience those feelings, process the experience and make sense of what happened, to fit the event into our narrative so that it makes sense, and we can obtain a coherent picture of who we are and how we got that way. When we do this, we convert the traumatic memory to a biographical one”.

“Bottom line, unless we allow ourselves to feel the pain and express it instead of being comforted and not going there we don’t heal. A good therapist has to be able to tolerate seeing a patient in pain. Therapy can feel and look quite sadistic.”

“Our therapists must endure being the trigger that draws this pain out and then answer a pain not of their making with a deep compassion and understanding.”

Should I block?

What are people’s thoughts on me blocking my mother’s (and stepdad’s) phone numbers?

I read something this morning and it said that not blocking the number of someone you’re no contact with is keeping you feeling nervous for when the next message might come.. it keeps you on egg/shells. That’s true for me for sure.

It said that even if you ignore the message, their words still get in your head, they can still evoke emotions in you. That’s also true for me.

So now I’m seriously debating blocking their numbers so I can relax more and not worry whenever my phone rings or a message comes through.

My reservations (emotional not logical) are- what if she suddenly realised the monumental mistake she’s made and wants to apologise and beg to see me and I’ve blocked her and never get the message?

– what is there is a family emergency?

What do I do then?!

Now my fiancé says if she did suddenly want to apologise and beg to see me, surely she wouldn’t give up after sending a few texts and he said she could text him or ask my sister or Nan to contact me. He even went as far as suggesting that if she had to, she could get a private investigator to find me!!!

That’s true isn’t it?

It feels mean and final… it feels like it’s not something a daughter should do. But I know, her behaviour isn’t something a mother should do either.

Anyway, any thoughts?