I genuinely can’t believe I am about to sit and type this. I am in some weird type of shock.
I went to my mother’s last night (yeah I know, you already know this isn’t going to end well don’t you) and ended up in a very vicious row with her and being kicked out of her house by her and her twat of a husband at 2am.
I genuinely do not know if this is the end of us. It is a real possibility that we will not speak again. I may never speak to my mother again. I can’t quite believe the words but they feel very likely and very possible and very true right now.
The evening took a nose-dive when me and my sister began a rather heated conversation about my wedding. She was saying that she wanted to plan my hen do and I was saying how she could, but that I wanted all of my bridesmaids to be involved in the planning of it. At some stage I told her that I was actually very hurt at her lack of interest in our wedding and more specifically, her lack of interest at our engagement. My sister is incapable of seeing someone else’s point of view and gets very defensive if someone disagrees with her (I wonder where she gets that from). It got more and more heated and she started reeling off loads of things that I have done that have annoyed her. One of which was that I wouldn’t cancel one of my therapy sessions to attend a meal for HER father’s birthday back in August. I wrote about that at the time so you may remember my feelings about that back then. Anyway, I told her that the fact she covers Facebook (yes the devil) in lovely affectionate statuses and photo collages of all of her friends and of our other step-siblings, it hurt me that she didn’t acknowledge our engagement at all. Nothing. Zilch. She said that we were no longer close and that she didn’t really like me anymore. OUCH.
In the end she ran off to bed crying because I was trying to say my side of things but she expected me to sit and wait until she had finished before saying anything. That was impossible because she was going on for so, so long. Off she went. Wonderful.
Everyone else then went to bed apart from me and my mother. This has often ended badly so I should have seen it coming. Perhaps I did? My mother started to stick up for my sister and I found myself pretty aggressively saying to her “Why are you siding with her? Why aren’t you understanding my side of things”? From there it went from 0 to 60 in seconds and she was telling me how I had dissapointed her when she had sent me a message inviting me to her 50th birthday weekend away because I said I would only come if my fiance was able to come with me. I explained my reasons why that was at the time, and again last night. It fell on deaf ears. Before long, she was saying all sorts of shit that really pissed me off and I became VERY ANGRY and told her that it pisses me off that she has the cheek to moan to people that we aren’t close anymore when she slags me and my fiance off to our family and her friends saying that I have changed and that my fiance is controlling and manipulative blah bah ….. She denied that she had said anything like that and I said she was a liar. She was outraged that I said that and said to me “Do you really believe them over your own mother?” I said Yep. Totally. 100% I have no doubt. (For background these “other people” are reliable sources and include my sister, other family members such as my aunt etc and I can hear her saying it, I believe it with my whole heart).
I then told my mother that my entire life she made me feel unwanted. I told her how my entire life she did nothing but tell me how much she wanted to get rid of me. From telling me she gave me away the day I was born, to telling me I had to move out on my 16th birthday when I was as young as 5 years old, to telling me repeatedly as a late teen/early twenties that she couldn’t wait until I finally met someone who could “take me off her hands”. I told her that now she has what she wants and she hates it because she’s lost control of me and so she blames my fiance when in all honestly, its nothing to do with him.
Before I knew it, my mother was phoning her husband who was in bed, telling him that she needed him NOW. I told her she was pathetic, why did she need to get him? this was nothing to do with him! GOD I HATE THAT SHE DOES THAT!!!!! She has done that my whole life. Gets her bloke involved when we are having a disagreement and gets him to shout at me, back her up, enable her.
She told me that she needed her husband there to “witness how evil I was being”, “to hear the things I was saying to her”. Please.
She told me to get out of her house. I stood up, very confidently and said with pleasure. I walked towards the kitchen door to go inside and genuinely expected to feel her yanking my hair or punching or kicking me, something. I could feel myself internally tense and wait for the physical attack. Luckily it didn’t come. I walked into the room my fiance was in and told him to get up, that we had to leave. With that her husband flung the door open screaming at me “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR MOTHER? WHY HAVE YOU UPSET HER SO MUCH?”. He then added that “Every fucking time I leave you alone with her, you do this!” (That is such a lie as this has never happened before.)
She said to him that I was evil and that I had told her she was evil and that she was the worst mother in the world. I didn’t actually say those things but I guess she isn’t/wasn’t wrong.
She then delivered this beauty “You need to sack your counsellor mate because you are fucking evil and need sectioning”.
Wow. That right there is my mother.
I replied equally as maturely “I don’t need to sack my counsellor, it’s because of her that I have finally seen what a nasty bitch you are”.
I’m still shocked by this as I type it out my heart is racing.
And so me and my fiance left with me shouting to the pair of them to fuck off as my stepdad (AKA: Mother’s lapdog) shouted shit at me. We then had to walk at 2am in the dark for half an hour to try to find a taxi and get home.
I cried on and off the whole way. I told my fiance several times that I was scared. I couldn’t tell him what of. But I was very scared.
We got home and talked about what had happened for a while. I cried a lot of that time. We eventually went to bed at 4am. When I woke up today I was in shock over what has happened. I still am.
I have not heard from my mother, her lapdog or my sister and I do not expect to. My mother seriously has never apologised to me (or anyone I am sure) in her whole life. NEVER and my mother is totally unable to admit she has done any wrong, much like my sister and the fact that the three of them live together will mean that they will all have each other and obviously it will mean that I am, of course, the evil one.
She kept shouting at me over and over again “What the hell has happened to you?” and “You are so fucking evil!!”, “Look at you?”.
I have written about this before, but 3 years ago, weirdly in November(!) a very similar argument occurred. I had been in counselling about one month and T had explained to me that my mother was narcissistic. I found myself shouting at her all her shortcomings as I grew up, her lack of interest, her lack of affection etc. Unfortunately that night, my sister, my mum’s lapdog and my aunties, uncles and cousin were all there. The entire lot of them sided with my mother and I was completely demonized. That side of the family still keep a very large distance from me and that was the last time I argued with my mother. Until last night.
So you can probably imagine that this event last night has probably cost me the entire family as well as my beloved grandparents because my mother sees them most days and my Nan will not understand my point of view, neither do I wish to persuade her of my feelings, she is old and doesn’t need the hassle.
So…. Now what? Where do I go from here?
Is this the beginning of no contact?
One thought I’ve had is that she has given us a large amount of money towards our wedding. Will she give it back? I feel I should give it back regardless but selfishly we can’t actually afford to do that….
I keep thinking how weird it would be to lose so many of my family like this and before my wedding. Visualising our wedding day without all of those people is just painful.
I have thought, shit, it’s nearly Christmas. At this rate me and my fiance will be sitting at home just the two of us. How sad.
The strange thing is that my main feeling, other than shock, is relief. I am relieved I’ve told her those things although I am not at all proud of the way I said them or how aggressive and nasty I was. I was uncontrolled and clearly very triggered and reacting from a rage place. I meant what I said though.
I have seconds of guilt… seconds of absolute terror and fear and then relief again. And probably very textbook moments where I think “they can’t ALL be wrong…. what if it is me?”. It defies all logic really. I know it isn’t me. I know they are all toxic and dysfunctional. I also know my mother has wounded me terribly and yet I feel totally unjustified in cutting her out.
So once again, I am the persecutor (Evil, nasty etc) and its poor victim mother. Poor her, how could I.
I know that not having my mother in my life won’t leave a huge deficit in the sense that she doesn’t actually give me anything. She doesn’t ever come to my house, she has nothing to do with my stepchildren, she doesn’t invite us to dinner or to meals or anything healthy like that. I visit her normally through a sense of obligation and I go there guarded and with my invisible armour on waiting for her next attack. She doesn’t support me in any way, she doesn’t give me warmth, connection, nice conversation, advice. I keep my distance from her emotionally and do not tell her anything. I do not confide in her. I see the glow she gets if I have bad news or a problem. She loves it. She clearly hates me being happy – that is evident. So what will I miss?
I don’t know what I’ll miss. But it feels ever so scary and I can’t help but picture her face which was very genuinely shocked and angered and hurt by my words. Does she really not realise how she has hurt me? And if not, does that mean I shouldn’t blame her?