Last night was my first session since season T “that” email I mentioned briefly on Friday. The one about the song and how great she is basically. The one where I told her how grateful I am to have her and how I often play this song on repeat and think of her.
I admit, during the day when I “remembered” it was T day, I felt nervous. There is something about seeing her in person after having sent something like that – something so vulnerable. I know I shouldn’t feel nervous to see her, I should never feel nervous with her but I did and so I kept trying to silence any thoughts whatsoever I was having about my session. I did this to the point where I actually thought “do this in stages… get train to home station….. (then) station to house (then) house to t’s”…. and that’s so OTT just because I sent her a nice sentimental email.
I knocked on the door and tried to look as confident as possible. I knew she would be interested in seeing how I was feeling and sometimes I can *feel* the air charged with whatever I’m feeling, be that fear or happiness or sadness.
I walked in, sat down and we both smiled. I felt the anxiety, aghhh. T started talking by saying she was just re-reading my “beautiful” email. She then looked at me and I tried to play it cool. I said something about how I had also read it a few times. I then told her how I had woken up with those thoughts and how I’ve played that song and thought of her for about a year but now felt like the right time to tell her…..
T said how I was very good at finding transitional things. I queried that, was I? She said yes and reminded me of how I use my rose quartz necklace and songs etc. As she said the word “rose quartz” she jumped up and said “ooh that reminds me” and walked into the back room of her purpose built therapy room. When she came back she was holding a card with my name on and I couldn’t hide my smile.
A card!! For me!! From T!!!!! 😄😄😄😄😄
She said “for Saturday” (she even remembered the day!!).
I was shocked and touched.
I sat it next to me and thanked her. I was so shocked as in 4 years she not given me a card – not for birthdays or Christmas etc… so I genuinely didn’t expect it. I thanked her again and she said “well it’s a special one” and I took that to be her reasoning behind why I don’t normally get one but am this time?
(I admit to already feeling slightly sad at the fact I won’t get one again… is that weird?!).
The card sat next to me for my entire session which I’ll write about another time, and at the end of the session I popped it in my bag. I wondered what she has written….. I was so happy.
T wished me a happy birthday for Saturday and I left. I put my handbag on the floor of the passenger seat and drove off but I paused for a second at the end of her road AND I looked towards her house as I drove past which I never do.
I felt my eyes prickle…. I had a heavy heart. What was I upset for?
Same old stuff of course… I didn’t want to leave. I missed her already… I didn’t want to go so soon.
I put the radio on but all I could think about was how I felt like crying, how I needed to drive AND the card. A few seconds later I turned the radio off (unheard of).
It sounds weird but I was almost willing my tears to come. They were burning my throat and my eyes were heavy. Yet they wouldn’t come.
I drove most of the way home in silence trying to stay with my thoughts. I just replayed some of the session in my head. I thought briefly about the subjects we had covered, vulnerability, my friend’s T leaving and my concern for her, my dreams and lack of sleep lately, my birthday, my mother (of course) and… T’s break dates. 3 more sessions she said. I acted cool as a cucumber about that too.
I thought to myself that I should save the card until my actual birthday. That it would make the morning more special having a special card from her….
I stopped at the petrol station for a couple of things on the way home and when I got back in the car, I thought about the card. Again. Jesus, who knew some card/paper could have such an impact?!
I pulled up outside my house and before I went in, I ripped the envelope open and looked at the card. The first thing that crossed my mind was that the actual card was personalised – it had my name on! How nice is that? Secondly the card was pretty. It was girly and just lovely. It was so thoughtful…. it had really been chosen for ME! Actual me. She knows me.
I laughed as a few bits of birthday confetti fell out into my car and I smiled to myself that she knew that would happen. There’s still a bit in my car which I’ve left there on purpose.
She wrote a nice message about having a good birthday and year ahead and signed the card “with love” 💓
It’s such a small thing but I love it. I’ve thought a few times today that I would email her thanking her and admit I had opened it as quickly as I did…. but then i felt embarrassed and also worried I would offend her somehow.
I am pretty sure a card has never been so important and so sentimental before.
Thank you T. Even though you’ll never read this!