Things I need to write about.
- Today I found out that an old school friend has died. He was 30, recently married and had a 7 month old baby. We haven’t spoken for years since college but it is such a shock and such tragic news.
- Therapy today – I only bloody saw one of T’s daughters for the first time.
- I never write about my relationship with my husband but I feel I need to write about some feelings I have right now regarding him/us.
- The money.
Okay so there isn’t much more for me to say about number 1. The news is bloody tragic. It really has shocked me so much, I just cannot believe it. In fact, I mean that quite literally – I don’t feel like I have taken it in yet, it doesn’t seem possible that someone I knew for all of those years who was on a very similar path to me is now gone. Just like that. I keep thinking about his wife and their baby and how someone gets through something so terrible. I keep picturing his face which is really hard and it reminds me of how I felt when another of my friends died at 21 years old – both of these people were in our group at school. Both now gone. 21 and 30 – no age to die. One through suicide and one through an accident.
Well, I can’t quite believe this but I pulled up to T’s earlier and I had only been stopped a matter of seconds when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye near T’s house. I looked up and saw it was one of T’s daughters coming out of her house, carrying a dog in her arms. She had nothing on her feet and was wearing a tracksuit. She got into her car which was facing mine and I played around with my phone to hide my awkwardness. I looked up a few times and she was still looking in my direction and then she got out of the car, and went back inside. I can only assume she left something in her car, but I have no idea why she had to take the dog with her – perhaps to stop it running outside or something.
It was weird seeing her. In 5 years I’ve never seen her despite seeing her car outside most times. I’ve seen what she looks like enough times because I used to look at her on Instagram but it was weird seeing her in real life and, I suppose it was the shock of seeing her right there when I have never had to see anyone before.
Obviously my paranoid mind was thinking all sorts of things. Had she come out to get a look at me? Was she coming out to look at me because she knew it was me who used to look at her social media all the time? Did she purposely wait until my session time? And then I started wondering if T doesn’t stop her from doing that kind of thing – I mean, clients who relate to their T in the way I do and clients with mother issues/attachment issues really don’t want to be seeing T’s children do they?
To my surprise, I didn’t feel any strong feelings about seeing her and T didn’t say anything about it or ask how I felt etc so either she didn’t know I had or maybe she just saw I looked happy enough and so thought she would avoid it? Who knows.
Onto number 3..
So I rarely write about my marriage and mostly that is because there really isn’t much to say. We don’t have big arguments or anything and we get on very well. The only time we tend to disagree is about my mother or possibly money (me wanting to spend it by going out to eat or booking a holiday and him wanting to save it for a house, baby, the future etc). However…. I’ve been feeling some things lately which I suppose I’ve been kinda trying to ignore but they’ve been getting louder and then today I feel it even more. At the same time however, a bit of me wonders if it is about him at all or whether I am transferring some feelings about someone else/something else onto him because it is easier or safer or whether I am using these things as an excuse or something…. I don’t know.
The first thing that started this off was that he doesn’t seem to want to have sex hardly ever anymore. I know that can happen, that sometimes people go through phases etc but I started to feel a little bit insecure about it and when I made a few comments, he would get a bit stroppy or tell me he didn’t want to discuss it. He always says he is tired and stressed from the day or I have been to therapy or whatever and so he’s started to only want sex on a Saturday morning when the kids are all here and it makes me feel on edge. Not being funny but it isn’t exactly relaxing knowing there are 3 sets of ears potentially listening out or that any second there could be a knock on the door or whatever, yet alone the fact we cannot make any noise whatsoever and the fact that due to this there is absolutely NO romance involved in it whatsoever.
Anyway… as we are trying to conceive and have been for what feels like eternity, there are times when we have to have sex and that alone is not romantic let me tell you. That has probably made me feel even worse because he will be brutally honest and say things like “God do we have to” or “Eugh, again?” and I’m like, yeah, I don’t particularly want to either mate. You know? Without being too graphic, its got to the point on those fertile days where there is no foreplay or kissing or anything and its not for mutual pleasure if you get my drift. It is a job to do. Another chore and I don’t blame him for this one – we both feel the same. It would be easy to blame the whole sex thing on this but it is no different the rest of the month so that doesn’t really work.
Anyway, sex aside I just feel a bit neglected recently I suppose. It is all such silly things but things like I will text him and he will read it and ignore me rather than reply. He will come home every night and just sit on the sofa and play on his phone and he will often stay up later than me because he wants to watch something and I need to get to bed as I get up so early.. then the kids are here and obviously the dynamic is different again.
I know that he loves me and I’m not worried that he is going to suddenly want a divorce or anything so I’m not trying to dramatize anything… I just feel a bit… kinda lonely I suppose if that makes sense? I guess it is upsetting because it has never felt like this before and so it’s probably pretty normal stuff, but it isn’t normal for our marriage you know?
Anyway, as I started to write this he phoned me to say he was staying late at work tonight and I found myself being really stroppy and short with him on the phone. I couldn’t help myself and the second I hung up, I burst into tears because I felt guilty for being a bitch. Even writing this now makes me feel so bad I’m crying again.
I can’t help but feel that my feelings have nothing to do with any of the stuff I’ve written above but it feels like it is… so I’m confused as to whether it is any of that stuff and genuinely I do feel bit taken for granted or whether I am using him as an excuse for my bad/sad/mad feelings.
Which leads onto number 4
It has been a week since “the money” thing. I haven’t actually given it much thought the last few days but to be honest that is mainly because of Tuesday’s night’s session and all the feelings that kicked up/my new favourite hobby of distracting myself to block out thinking and feeling.
All of the main feelings of panic and anxiety etc have passed in relation to the money thing and now I just feel like I need to almost pretend it didn’t happen to make sure that I keep my boundaries and don’t get sucked into doing anything differently. Yesterday at work someone was talking about how they have been fixing furniture and revamping old things and it reminded me that when I was younger, my mum went mad for “sponging” the walls and things. In the early 90s that was a thing apparently! Anyway as I remembered it I wanted to text my mum and remind her and in my head we would have a laugh over it.. but then I realised I shouldn’t be encouraging contact and I shouldn’t do that now of all times when I don’t usually make any kind of small-talk because it would send out the wrong message wouldn’t’ it? And besides, it might then prompt her to ask to see me and then I would end up feeling stressed about that… so just not worth it. So I didn’t. But I wanted to and that kinda sucks.
I’ve touched on this previously already but I felt quite shocked and overwhelmed by the stuff I spoke about in my session on Tuesday by the time I got home and I told T that in today’s session. She said she wasn’t surprised and that she had just been sitting there thinking about how I told the story/stories differently this time to before. I didn’t ask what she meant by that but I am pretty sure what she meant was that previously I just told the stories and this time, I felt the feelings the memories brought up. I know that I felt that to be the case.
I can sense that I’m not fully letting the feelings come at the moment – I’m probably scared of the intensity of them, but I keep thinking to myself that the things I went through were actually awful and that I’ve played them down my entire life. Now all of a sudden those things feel big. They feel traumatic and they feel very, very, bloody unfair (I know, I know).
It made me see that my mother really didn’t care about how much pain I was in back then and she still doesn’t. This is a real obvious statement I know, but I can feel it at the moment whereas often when I say or write that, it is the logic – the obvious logic of her words or actions. Feeling it makes it more real. More shocking and more painful.
In one of her messages about the money she referred to our issues as being “some differences but that is life” and reading that sentence made me feel so angry. Some differences?! I mean, way to play it down. Those differences are my entire life experience!! My feelings. My hurt and my pain. For her to just say something that casual like our different views hurt.
Since that message I’ve thought to myself I wonder if she really thinks that way. I wonder if she genuinely tells herself that; that we just have different views (I.e. that my view is she was a shit mother and I grew up feeling unloved and that her view is that she was a great mother who did the best she could and I have nothing to feel hurt by). I mean.. even if you think you did your best, wouldn’t you want to hear your child out and wouldn’t you apologise anyway? Wouldn’t you hear your child’s pain and want to reassure them that THEY did absolutely nothing wrong and apologise over and over again? Not her. She just thinks its a “different view”.
As I write this I can feel the anger bubbling up inside me. How can she minimise my pain like that? How can she not self-reflect at all and see that actually, her choices in life put me in some really shitty situations and that she was barely around and did not have any idea how I actually FELT about anything. All she sees is that she was a “single mother” (who wasn’t actually ever single) and that she “had no help from either of your dads” and that “other people have it much, much worse”. So defensive.
That right there is why things between me and her will never, ever be able to be improved. She cannot or will not allow herself to put herself in my shoes and see how I felt growing up. She cannot hear that I was lonely, scared, insecure, felt unloved etc etc… she just can’t. I’ve told her twice now and both times she just kicked off and called me things. Both times we stopped speaking for a period of time. I told her once that I didn’t want to talk to her unless she had had an epiphany and she told me it was me that needed one, not her – when I stopped all the nonsense.
Because she is a narcissist and all she cares about is her own feelings. The lack of empathy being one of the main characteristics of a narcissist. Suddenly so obvious.
After I told her about what her boyfriend did to me and she had finished fawning about everywhere telling everyone how she blamed herself and how she couldn’t eat or drink (perleaseee), she said to me “Oh sorry, do we all need to sit around and feel sorry for you every day for the rest of our lives. Poor you!!”. THAT is the level of empathy my mother has about her (then) boyfriend being a fucking paedophile.
Because like EVERYTHING else, we need to just forget it all and have no feelings about any of it. Ever.
Don’t have feelings. Don’t talk about it. Definitely do not confront her.
What the fuck though?
This article says it well:
Lack of empathy is a trademark of narcissistic parents. Empathizing with your children is feeling what they are feeling and acknowledging those feelings. It is the art of compassion and sensitivity, as well as the ability to give moral support in whatever they are experiencing. You do not have to agree with them but you are there for them. You put aside your own feelings and thoughts for the moment and tune in to their emotional needs to attempt to understand where they are coming from and why. Instead of citing rules or trying to give advice and direction, try this empathy exercise instead.