My crazy life 

Firstly, thank you all so much for all your help and advice the last few days with my rupture with T and with this job stuff. I don’t remember the last time I felt this stressed out and emotionally exhausted. It’s proving so tiring! 

So thank you all – I’m truly really grateful. 

Here’s the latest instalment of my mental life. 

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I felt unwell (cold), my head was racing and I was desperate to make a conclusion with regards to this job. Yesterday didn’t go to plan and I didn’t leave feeling positive or happy at all. I felt dissapointed and deflated. 

Throughout the night I kept thinking perhaps I should just stay in my current job. Perhaps I had had a lucky escape. It made me think I would never get a boss like mine again. Then my fiancé gave me a good talking to this morning and said that regardless of whether I go to this job or not, nothing has changed with regards to leaving my current job. He said he thought I would regret it if I didn’t leave now. I suspected he was right. He pointed out that there aren’t just two choices here, current job or new job… I could keep interviewing. I didn’t like the thought of that and guess I was being a bit lazy wanting the whole process to be over. 

A few hours later I’m walking around the park with my mate and her little boy when the phone rings, it was an agency so I ignored his call. He then emailed me to say the job he had sent my cv to three weeks ago had called and wanted to see me. For background, this firm are VERY well known. They are in the top 10 law firms in the entire world! 

I applied there 6/7 years ago and had two interviews but was eventually unsuccessful. Apparently they “went with someone internally”. 

But now I know someone that works there who said she loves it and that she thinks I would too, she said she would put in a good word for me. Clearly she did! 

They want me to go in for an interview Tuesday at 3pm next week. AGGHHH!!!! 

The agent said that he’s made them aware I’ve accepted another job offer and that they still wanted to see me. 

So.. I have decided to go for it. 1) because yesterday didn’t go to plan and 2) because it’s an amazing firm. 

The two jobs are different, for this job I would work in a “pool” where I would work with 6 girls at my level, 3 girls a level below and 1 girl a level lower again. Between us all we would work for the entire department (employment which is something different). I wouldn’t have my own allocated solicitors like at my current job or like the new job I went to yesterday. 

Anyway, my latest predicament is this: when do I tell the agency I want to retract my acceptance of the job? Do I get it out the way and do it tomorrow so I feel less guilty? Or do I wait and see how this interview goes next week? 

My fiancé says wait, and his reasons are that 1) this is business, don’t worry about them and 2) the agent for the new interview job told me that the agent (scary woman) is known to cause trouble and could potentially ruin my interview next week if she has contacts there. 

I admit I feel guilty at the thought of letting them down if I decline their offer, I feel nervous about telling the scary woman agent I’ve changed my mind, because she is feisty as hell and will lose her commission so will hate me and make my life difficult… but I admit to feeling some weird relief that I won’t have to worry about that woman boss and how she will be with me if I go there. Rightly or wrongly. 

So, that’s today’s drama. Also, I saw T today which I was absolutely dreadinggggggg but I am pleased to say that she was fine. She actually apologised and we’ve smoothed things over, that deserves its own post though so I’ll write that tomorrow when I have my laptop out. 

Time for more lemsip! 

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Day at the new place 

Oh god… can life suck any more right now? 

Iv just got on the train after a day at the new place. I had a handover with a lovely girl who was very similar to me, same age and similar personality. I leant a lot and met a lot of people, it felt productive. 

About 4pm I was asked to stay for a team meeting at 5pm, this was put back to 5.15pm and then eventually held in the local wine bar. I was excited to finally see my boss who has been busy all day and had not yet spoken to me. 

I eventually saw her and she spoke to the girl that was training me (the girl I am replacing), she didn’t say hello. She spoke to her for a good few minutes before acknowledging me – I felt at the time this was rude. Surely you would at least say hello to me before entering into long chats with the current girl about her holiday … 

Anyway, me and the current girl waited for new boss and her colleague and eventually we all walked to the lifts, boss and colleague behind me…. still no chat…. they then held back and didn’t get in our lift. I thought that was odd. We all arrived at the same venue and she sat opposite me at a VERY large table. I drank two glasses of wine and eventually she came over and said goodbye. 

Goodbye! She hadn’t even said hello! 

I spent 7 hours learning the ropes of my new job (not paid) and she didn’t even take the time to come and say hello to me. 

I felt my heart sink. 

That is not what I had in mind. That isn’t what I had hoped for AT ALL. I asked the current girl, do you often see her for drinks or anything? She said oh no, never….. 

I feel very down right now. 

What am I doing? Is this all one big mistake? 

Disaster 

Fucking therapy. Honestly, why do I sign myself up for this torture? What a joke. 

I’ve just this minute got home from my first session back in over 2 weeks and can honestly say, it was the worst session I’ve had in all the years of therapy I’ve had. 

I’ve never felt like leaving a session so much before. Like I genuinely considered leaving. I stared at the clock or the floor the whole time and I felt so angry and so frustrated with T I could have combusted. 

I went in there unwell, I have a stinking cold. Obviously that can’t just be a cold though, can it? Noooo it’s all about her and going back after a break. Yawn! 

Then we start talking about my new job. I told her how dissapointed I’ve been with everyone’s reaction. She said “maybe you wer dissapointed with mine?” Yes. Yes I was. I admitted it. I told her it was a HUGE deal for me and I would have liked some happiness and congratulations. I explained I wanted her to do what my mum doesn’t. She said something about how she had to play it safe because it was tied up in dropping a session etc.. 

Anyway, I’ll write more another time because now I am too pissed off but basically she just didn’t listen to a thing I said about dropping a session. She didn’t hear me at all. She kept on repeatedly telling me I was potentially ruining my therapy, she even said I DID NEED to be going twice a week, that I’m not “where you think you are” (fuck you). 

She went on and on and on and on about how I was sabotaging myself, how I was shut off and how I wasn’t in touch with my feelings or my child self… she kept on and on about how I should tell my new job I need therapy twice a week and how I should tell them I need Thursday afternoons off. I told her, clearly, I didn’t want to do that. I told her I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to throw myself into my new job and I didn’t want to do that. 

She wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t listen. She didn’t hear me AT ALL!!!! 

I felt myself boiling with rage. I let her talk, I breathed through it – but my God she wouldn’t let up. 

At one point she even said that if I stop back to one session a week, I will shut down and not be able to access the stuff I was and so I snapped “so I’ll have to stop and it will all be pointless”. 

She said she could see I was angry with her. No shit! 

She kept on about how she was trying to put a middle ground in because I had gone off too far the other way. 

I’m genuinely sure she would never have spoken to or said the things she said to me had I been a 40 year old woman instead of someone her daughters’ age. I think there’s some counter-transference going on. 

I’m so angry at some of the jabs she made such as “why would you want to work for a firm that wouldn’t allow you to have Thursday afternoons off?” and things like how my therapy won’t work once a week.  She also said “are you getting a pay rise because there’s no point going sideways?”. 

The whole session was her talking AT me, not to me. It was her on her high horse telling me how wrong I am. 

I can’t even bring myself to write anymore right now. I have never felt like this about her before. I’ve never wanted to walk out so much. 

She even kept trying to make “jokes”, couldn’t she see how angry I was? 

Man. Wtf. Oh and then she said I might “fill in the gaps” meaning I would misinterpret what she was saying and that I would confuse her with my mother. 

Ha well if so, that’s because you sound like my fucking mother! 

Back to therapy tomorrow 

I’m back to therapy tomorrow night after 2 weeks and 3 days and I feel…. absolutely nada. In fact, I forgot until earlier today when I remembered and had absolutely no feelings about it at all. No relief and no anger or apprenhension…. nothing! 

I actually feel a little mean that I have so easily “forgotten” her and the good feelings I get when I’ve seen her. I have no doubt they will come flooding back tomorrow but it’s weird, like, where have they gone? It’s a bit unnerving that I can do easily do this. 

Tomorrow she will ask me how I’ve been and I will tell her I’ve been fine… she will laugh when I say fine and ask where my anger is.. if I am angry with her and when I say no, she won’t believe me. I will secretly get angry but I won’t say anything koz, well what’s the point? (Also that’s twisted isn’t it? I will then GET angry and she will think she’s right but she’s not). 

Then we will talk about my redundancy application, my new job and me dropping a session. My guilt around that and all that stuff. I should tell her that her reaction disappointed me, that actually everyone’s reaction has dissapointed me (apart from my fiancé and you guys)…. but I probably won’t and even if I do, she will probably explain and I’ll feel as though I’m being stupid.

The tone to this actually sounds a little aggressive doesn’t it? Which is odd koz I don’t feel it! Ha.. mental. 

Damages 

So last night was the night I had been dreading since Thursday. It was the night that had put me on a real downer Thursday and Friday. I had to go to my mum’s house last night. 

Well, what do you make of this … 

She gave us an envelope and then walked inside. We opened the envelope to see a card with a cute kitten on the front. Inside was a handwritten poem which said that they (mum and stepdad) had put a “small amount” in our bank account.  

I wasn’t expecting this AT ALL and instantly my eyes filled up with tears. I felt SO awfully guilty. We went inside and thanked them both and my mum seemed very pleased with herself and said how she couldn’t believe she had written the poem herself and that it had almost made her cry too! 

Guess how much the small amount was? £5,000. Five thousand actual pounds. Fuck!! 

I felt awful for the things I’ve thought, said, dreamt about and I felt guilty for so many things. 

But I also thought to myself it is just money. It is just money. (Admittedly a bloody huge amount of it). 

Well, I found myself then thinking “I should tell her about the redundancy situation. I should tell her about my new job“.

I actually caught that thought and had to tell myself not to do that. I had to tell myself that her giving us money didn’t mean she got to know stuff that I had clearly chosen not to tell her right now. That her reaction wouldn’t be better just because she had given us money. 

The rest of the night was fine, mainly because family friends were there. I didn’t tell her anything. 

We left and I’ve felt fine since. I will confess that I went out earlier and spent £170 on new work clothes and a new work bag. I laughed and told my fiancé I was spending “my damages”… clearly that was a bad tasting joke with a small element of truth to it. 

Half of me is feeling the very clear pull the money has had on me… the other half is thinking the money repairs nothing. It changes nothing. 

Isn’t money powerful? Or am I just easily bought? 

Still down 

Here we are again… still… I’m sat on the bathroom floor pretending to still be in the bath just to get some time alone. Work today was horrible, I was manic busy and it was stressful. I went to work still feeling down, sad and angry. Like I had last night. 

I seemed to be able to put these feelings aside at work but they came flooding back instantly the very second I walked out of the office tonight. I walked home slowly and felt so deflated. I even stopped off to buy a chocolate bar which I ate immediately and that really isn’t something I do or have ever done. 

The feeling is so heavy. It’s taking over and I don’t have the energy to try and fake being okay. I’m not okay but my reason seems so small. 

The kids are here now and so I have to snap into happy stepmother role and I seriously feel the opposite. 

I’ve noticed that my fiancé is the one triggering my angry feelings. Whenever he comes close to me to try and touch me or make a joke it makes me mad. Why? 

The only thing I want to do is sleep. Oh and eat. I fancied wine too but realised that was just to make me feel better and I’ve stopped myself because well, that’s not healthy is it. 

I played my audiobook all the way home but none of it really went in so I’m going to have to rewind it and play it again. 

I hope this feeling has passed when I wake up. It’s really got its claws into me. 

Something is wrong… 

Something’s wrong but I don’t know what. 

I came home from work at lunch time as always, but as T is away I had nothing to rush back for. 

On the train home I downloaded an audiobook which I haven’t done for a while and the fleeting thought rushed through my mind “Am  I trying to distract myself from something?” but I just ignored it. 

I came home, rushed around tidying the house, cleaning and putting washing on. I thought to myself as I was cleaning the sink “tidying the house helps the mind to feel tidier too”… I pushed that thought away too. 

An hour or so later I fell asleep on the sofa listening to my audiobook and I slept for about an hour and a half before being woken up by my phone ringing. I drifted back to sleep and then got woken up again by it vibrating from messages… very annoying. 
I looked at the time and thought I should probably get up but I had absolutely no energy. I felt as though maybe I had woken up from a bad dream or something, that sense of sadness/miserableness but I couldn’t remember anything. Weird. 
About half an hour ago, my fiancé came home from work and I opened the door to him and told him I hadn’t felt well this afternoon. I said I just felt exhausted and energy-less. That was true but what I didn’t say was that I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. 

He walked in the kitchen and gave me a hug (thinking I felt poorly), my eyes filled up with water and I felt right on the edge of crying. I managed to hold the tears back mainly because if he asked why I was crying I would have to say I didn’t know. 

The only things i am consciously aware of having thought about today are my mum’s looming birthday weekend away in just over a week which I’m dreading and the fact I’m meant to be going there this weekend to meet with some family friends. I’ve been thinking today I might lie and say we can’t go because Sunday was hard enough but I want to see these family friends and it has been arranged for a while now. 

But the signs are there: distracting myself with my book, the manic housecleaning, the sleeping…. 
It’s one of the worst things isn’t it, suddenly feeling so rubbish and it feeling like it’s come from nowhere and you don’t know why. 
I’ve just cried and told my fiancé what’s on my mind and at the very instant, my mum text checking we were still going Saturday. I told you the woman senses when I’m like this , it’s like she’s got a bloody camera on my feelings or something. 

My fiancé said it will be okay, it won’t be a late or heavy night and that we can come home rather than stay there. I said I know but Sunday was so awful and he said “yeah I know you said that, but I don’t really know why?”. I can’t explain that either – just seeing her and feeling that coldness and that lack of relationship hit me so hard Sunday. Clearly I’m not in a rush to repeat that feeling. 

My Mother Dissapointment 

Hey guys,

As some of you know a lot of my posts of late have been about either “Tina”, my redundancy situation or my new job (still can’t believe that!) but one thing I haven’t written about yet is what happened on Sunday. 
It’s no biggie, which is probably why I haven’t written about it but on reflection I’ve set aside any real emotional/therapy related stuff which was actually the reason for this blog in the first place so I thought I would share it. 

On Friday last week it was my step dad’s birthday. My mum text me a few days precious to remind me. That kinda annoyed me because of a few reasons. 1) when I was younger she physically hurt me because I “only” got her husband at the time a single on cd of his favourite song. According to her that wasn’t good enough and in my defence whilst she shouted at me I said the words “it’s the thought that counts”. More fool me, she attacked me and told me that on my birthday or at Christmas she would remember that and would say the same to me. It’s a small memory but one I’ve never forgotten. Reason 2) is that she doesn’t remind me when it’s anyone else’s birthday like my grandparents or my sister etc. Basically it irritated me and I knew that her reminding me wasn’t the real issue, it was my trigger to other things that hurt. 

Anyway. On his birthday I text him and wished him a good day. He replied thanking me and then I got on with my day and my weekend which consisted of having my three stepchildren and preparing for my interview. I didn’t think much of it. 

Over the weekend I brought him a card and a voucher for his favourite shop and delayed working out when exactly I would see him. Sunday came around and I knew it had to be done that day. The trouble was that as some of you know, the last time I saw my mum she was horrible and it really affected me. I wasn’t in a rush to repeat that experience and had vowed not to see my mum whilst T is away.

Sunday I decided I had to pop over and so me and my fiancé went there about 4pm. We were there about an hour. Small talk was made. My sister was there and that’s always an uncomfortable situation. When me, my mum and my sister are together there’s tension and there’s two people against the other. These days it’s the two against me. It was. I didn’t bite and I didn’t allow any awkward conversations. 

Inside however I was dying to tell my mum about the redundancy situation. I was dying to tell her that the next day I had an interview for a huge law firm. BUT, I knew better. So I didn’t say anything. 

She then asked “what are you doing about your job now?” Like she’s a bloody mind-reader! I said nothing. It felt uncomfortable. 

Soon we left and went home. I drove and had a headache. 

Soon after getting home, I was in floods of tears. I didn’t really know why and I still can’t pinpoint a reason but all I can say is this: 

It was uncomfortable, fake, cold and unfulfilling. It felt detached and horrible. She didn’t feel like family yet alone my mother. 

Lying to her felt shit. Not because she deserves more, but because I wish I had someone to share it all with…. I cried and my finance was wonderful – as ever. He comforted me and I cried. 

I told him that I didn’t want her to ruin my positive mood for my interview the following day and he made a point of boosting me back up. I told him that normally when I see her, I drink wine (as does everyone else) and that made the whole thing so much easier. Sometimes enjoyable dare I say it…. he told me that actually all I did was delay the inevitable and pointed out that I always cry the day after but that the drink allows me to get through the shitty feelings. I agreed. 

Luckily I did manage to move on somehow and I clearly did well in my interview Monday. 

When I was offered the job me and my fiancé were chatting that evening and he advised me to think about how and what I told her – when I eventually do. I said to him that I wasn’t sure what to say. He told me to protect myself because she would try to ruin it for me. I agreed. For those of you who have followed me for a while, you will remember what happened when I passed my driving test! She said I had only passed because I wouldn’t be on the road often. He said she would probably say the partner of this new law firm must be desperate and perhaps play on my guilt of leaving my current boss (and friend). He was and is right. 

So here we are. I have a new job and she doesn’t know… and that sucks. Not because it’s HER, but because it’s “my mum”. She truly is wank. 

And when I got T’s reply and she didn’t officially congratulate me, for whatever reason, it hurt again. 

Thank god for my fiancé and for you guys. 

And there we have it, another mother debarckle – here for me to read back when in doubt. 

Shit is getting real! 

Life is going too fast for me right now. I feel like I’ve been swept up into something and it’s all just happening without me doing anything! 

Last night the reality of the whole situation hit me and I cried my eyes out for about half an hour. Mainly at the fact I wouldn’t work with my fiancé anymore. I felt so upset and scared about this and I’m sure it’s triggered something somehow koz my reaction felt OTT. 

This morning the agent phoned and come back with the new firm’s revised salary. Much better, gives me a £1,500 rise from my current job which is great. So I accepted. 

I ACCEPTED THE JOB! 

😮 

This afternoon I took my boss into a meeting room and told him that I had decided to apply for voluntary redundancy and he was lovely. We chatted about it for nearly an hour and he told me that he is gutted but understands and even said at the end that he felt I was doing the right thing. He knew I was bored there. I very nearly cried but managed to hold it together. 

I then signed the VR form and sent the email off to HR… I have now officially applied for voluntary redundancy. 

Now I have to wait until the end of October/the beginning of November to see whether the firm accept or refuse my application. Feels like forever. 

In other news, T emailed back this morning. This is what she said: 

Thank you for letting me know about your potential new job. Sounds like it will be something that you could enjoy and that could potentially give you the challenge and interest you have been speaking about?

It feels you need my permission regarding dropping a session? Unfortunately I can’t do that as it’s your therapy and not mine and you are the one who knows how it feels to do that as there will be an impact on you. I agree that we need face to face space to discuss your feelings around this, your guilt, and the impact dropping a session could have on you and your therapy, when we meet after the break. I look forward to us being able to do that. In the meantime I am holding it all in mind and you are being thought about. Kindest wishes” 

It wasn’t what I was hoping for but I guess I knew it wouldn’t say much else. Typical T response isn’t it? Can’t give me her permission? Why the hell not? Haha. 

So yeah… there we go. New job offer – accepted. Voluntary redundancy application – submitted. Told boss and told T…. 

Permission to absolutely freak the fuck out now please? 

Holey Mackerel 

So right…. 

I had that interview today… I was told it was with H.R. Well it wasn’t, it was with the head of the department and her current PA! It’s just as well I did a whole load of preparation this weekend otherwise I would have been absolutely screwed! 

Anyway, it went so well. I can’t quite believe how well it went. We laughed, we smiled, it felt fairly relaxed, I answered her questions and she answered mine… I told her what I was looking for and she did the same – in short, it couldn’t have gone much better. 

The only slightly awkward part was when they asked me what my notice period was. I explained about the redundancy process and how I was applying for voluntary and that it meant I couldn’t start until the end of November… she seemed disappointed. I explained my reasons and said I would love to start sooner but there really wasn’t much I could do. I tried to sell myself and say how I would be able to get stuck in immediately though and with little training. 

Much to my pleasure, about 45 minutes later the phone rang and my agent said that they were prepared to wait for me (!!!) and an hour after that asked her to make me a formal offer 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

(The agent then tried to undersell me so we’re currently negotiating salary) but let’s not focus on that right now. 

I can’t believe it. 

I felt elated but then I went to work and saw my fiancé, my friends and my boss and then felt really teary and sad. I will miss them and I felt scared and guilty. I think it’s just processing it all. 

Next step: I need to tell my boss I am going to apply for voluntary redundancy and ask him to back my application. I am NOT looking forward to this. What on earth am I going to say to him? Ten years we’ve worked together! Aghhh. 

Secondly: I need to tell T that I am dropping back to one session a week. I feel huge guilt about this and because she’s away, I’m worried she will think it’s some kind of acting out or something. It truly isn’t. I’ve sent her an email so await some kind of response. 

What a day!!!