Happy Friday guys. I hope you’re all doing okay.
I’m feeling a bit anxious today. My mother text me last night asking when she was going to see me before my “big day”. To be completely honest, I don’t want to see her and I wasn’t prepared for her message because I’ve been annoyed with her blatant lack of acknowledgement for my wedding and her blatant silence and ignoring all my social media posts about said wedding etc… it’s so clearly passive aggressive and I know I should just laugh it off but it is soooooo annoying!! Gah.
Anyway, I suggested either tonight or next Sunday morning and she picked tonight. So I text my sister to invite her and she’s away this weekend so can’t come! Ahh! I don’t feel comfortable being on my own with her and immediately regretted not having checked with my sister before suggesting tonight. Damn!
Anyway, long story short, we are now going to a pub down the road to me. She is going there with her friend and I’ll meet them there an hour or so later once I’ve got home from work and changed etc.
The thing is, I don’t want to go. Like it’s making me feel a bit miserable and a lot anxious.
I worry I suppose that she will upset me. I worry that I’ll have to be firm and tell her “no” about something – like her giving her (negative) opinion about my fiancé, her made up fantasies over “all his family” or whatever else she might say. On the total flip side, as I said earlier and before, the total absence of mentioning my soon to be husband’s name – or my stepkids – is equally as hard! (I know that’s hypocritical).
It comes back to the same stuff I know, I just wish she was different. I wish our relationship was different but it isn’t. The illusion has vanished now and I’m seeing her and it (our relationship) for exactly what it is…. and that’s crap.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have the knowledge that I have and I’m glad I can see everything I saw in her before was just a projection…. I’m glad the illusion is no longer there tricking me and keeping me stuck, but… you know… ouch?
Before I suggested she brought her friend, when it was looking like it would be just me and her I genuinely felt sick. What would we talk about? I haven’t got anything to say to her? I feel so awkward!! So hence I suggested she brought her friend along so there’s an extra person for conversation purposes. Isn’t that terrible?
It’s hard to relax and enjoy an evening with her now. It’s hard trying to find the balance between keeping my boundaries, not allowing myself to be sucked in to giving her what she wants (be that total adoration, compliments or slagging someone off)… and also not being so defensive and angry that at any point I might stab her eyeballs out!!
It’s like the worry is in my body already this morning. Just from seeing my mother tonight. How sad is that?
The really ironic thing is that a few years back, the idea is going to the pub just me and my mum would have excited me so much!! The idea she might want to spend time with just me would have made my day (life!)… and now it fills me with utter dead. How things change.
It’s the empty questions (said with utter disinterest and hints of anger) such as
“All wedding plans done now then? That’s good.” …….
It’s the fact that it shines a light on her absolute lack of involvement in the wedding planning process (thank god I know), but you know – it could have been different. In another world.
It’s how obvious it is now that we have nothing whatsoever in common. It’s the horrible feeling I have when I see her now that I don’t actually feel much positive towards her.
It’s turned into a relationship based on a kind of appeasing, like me trying to keep things calm before the wedding. It’s a relationship based on my sense of “should”. My sense of duty in a way. I know that’s not true. I could have said no about seeing her – I didn’t need to suggest tonight but the idea of seeing her next Sunday worried me because it would be only a few days before my wedding and I didn’t want the risk of being triggered into anger or grief or anything else that close.
At least seeing her tonight means I have 12 days to recover from it. Even if nothing bad happens it’s still triggering for me these days.
I need to find a way of staying detached enough not to fly into rage…. find a way not to let her words penetrate me… find a way not to let her blatant lack of acknowledgement of my fiancé and kids upset me…. find a way not to let the emptiness of the “bond” (broken!!) upset me and yet say something to keep things smooth. Not to automatically turn into the person she wants me to be, who I used to be for her. Find a way to stay authentic and true to myself – but a detached me….