Tomorrow is Tuesday.. Tuesday night is T night.. Tomorrow and Tuesday equal the first session since telling T I felt so angry with her for her misattunement. Aggghhhhh.
There is something about Sundays that make me feel I’ve “got through the worst” in terms of nearly being back in the room with T again. I don’t actually know why considering I still have the rest of Sunday and then the whole of Monday and Tuesday… but there we go and yesterday as I had this thought I felt some nerves. Time to face the music and sit and speak to her about it all. This is a scary thought. Not only am I scared about the anger but I’m scared I will feel that horrendous sadness again. I half expect I will when I talk her through it or maybe when I leave again.
I read the most beautiful blog yesterday about how much someone loves their T and all the reasons why. They listed out all of the many ways their T showed up for them time and time again, the things they had done above and beyond their “job” and various other lovely things. The post made me emotional for two reasons.
1) Because it was so lovely to read in such detail someone having such a wonderful bond with their T, and
2) Because it made me realise how wonderful my T is, how much I love her, how thankful I am for everything that she does and how I can’t imagine life without her in it.
And then came the guilt..
Then I felt bad. How have I actually had the cheek to feel so angry with T yet alone actually tell her about it! I couldn’t even wait to tell her when I next saw her, it was eating me alive and I had to get rid of it and give it to her…. Eek.
So then I found myself thinking oh shit, why did I do that? Why did I tell her? This was made even worse by the fact that almost instantly after telling T that I felt these things, I didn’t feel them any more……. Because I understand I had given them to her to hold.
And that feels horrible now.
And then comes the confusion..
Because I do understand that in psychotherapy we are meant to access our anger. We are meant to learn that it isn’t destructive and we are meant to learn that it can be survived. I understand that there is a lot of transference at play and that we are meant to now deal with painful feelings we weren’t safe enough to express back in our childhoods – that this is a huge part of the healing in therapy. I guess that knowledge was what enabled me to tell her with the adult knowledge that it was okay and that it wouldn’t kill her.
But I am starting to feel the apprehension of actually having to SEE her and talk to her about it all because now I feel unreasonable and guilty.
I also read something on WordPress where someone said how horribly upset and scared they were about the harsh fact that their T could just leave. Their T could literally decide one day she wanted a new job or that she was done with that client and that reminded me of how awfully painful it is for me when I think about how much I need T and how she doesn’t “need” me at all. Not one bit… and that hurts so much.
So she could quit and I would be utterly powerless over that decision… She would be fine and I would fall apart… God when I think about the effect it would have on me if she terminated me I can’t bare it and then that reminds me of quite how weak I am compared to her. Of how needy and helpless I am compared to her and I don’t like that dynamic because it makes me feel pathetic.
Those thoughts lead to other thoughts about how confident she is. She is so knowledgeable and comfortable in her skin it just oozes off of her in the way that she holds herself, the way she stands, the way she talks – everything – and she shows me repeatedly how intelligent she is and I admire her for it …
yet it makes me feel a little unsafe at the same time because knowledge is power and all that, right?
I then wonder does she ever think she can be wrong? I worry that when I sent her my anger email that there is absolutely not one single tiny morsel in her body that even contemplates that SHE could have done something wrong or that she could be wrong or that she was misattuned – I worry she just laughs to herself that its just me being me… being silly.. being needy and stroppy and childish…. I panic that she just humours me and thinks to herself “aww bless her, let her shout and scream, she will soon realise”.. or something like that.
Has anyone else ever had thoughts like this about sending/showing their anger to their T? Is it just me?
My mother did not allow me to be angry with or at her and if and when I did, it didn’t end well. My mother is also completely incapable of acknowledging any mistakes or saying sorry and so I guess there is a bit of transference at play in that I assume T will be the same (despite adult knowledge that T isn’t likely to respond that way)…
So let’s say for arguments sake that T isn’t defensive tomorrow and she acknowledges my pain and handles it well then I will probably feel so much guilt.. and if she doesn’t do that I will feel like she thinks she is too mighty and powerful and clever to take my anger seriously so there isn’t really a winning situation is there?
LOL wow this is everywhere…. Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea.. it just floods out when I start typing.