I spoke to my husband last night about how I was feeling yesterday and my worry that I was upset that my mother wasn’t contacting me but that maybe she was thinking the same as me. He listened to what I said but then said “I know you want this all to be a big miscommunication/misunderstanding but it’s not”.
Instantly as he said it I knew he was right. That was exactly what I was doing. I was telling myself that it was just bad communication and that if one of us (me) were to point that out, things would be magically fixed!
Hubby said “we could jump in the car right now and go and drink with them, but I’m certain you would regret it very quickly”. Obviously that wasn’t a genuine offer, he hates her and her husband but I got his point. I told him that I don’t even want to do that anymore, those days have gone thankfully. I no longer feel the need to run to her and “fix” everything but that I needed to tell him what I was thinking and feeling because if I hold it all inside, it’s like I let myself convince myself! I believe my thoughts more and more and then that could be dangerous.
I told him that I used to feel like I could die when I was feeling the pain about all of this but that I don’t anymore. That it hurts and I get sad, but not to the point of feeling like I was having a breakdown and not to the point of visualising turning up at her door crying in the hope she would forgive me.
I told him that in some ways the length of time that was passing since we had a proper relationship made things easier in that I could no longer picture her and what she would be doing and where as she moved house a year or so ago and as we barely ever speak at all, I know nothing about her life BUT that equally that was hard because it was a real indicator of quite how much time had passed and how much things had changed. I don’t know if anyone would understand this, but I said it’s like when someone you love dies and after x amount of years has passed you realise you are struggling to visualise their face properly. I’m not sure if he got what I meant here, but it’s the best way I can explain it. In some ways the longer this goes on, the easier as habits and routines are broken but on the flip side, that hurts because it’s more obvious how broken and disconnected and removed you are.
I did get teary in the end and found myself saying “why doesn’t she love me?” which I can see is a young thing to say, maybe that was coming from the child part of me. Unfortunately hubby hates her so much that he said something along the lines of that she’s a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. True.
I was telling him all my theories on why she’s not contacting me: trying to make me panic, trying to punish me, just genuinely hates me…. and he said it really didn’t matter why. He said that the point was that she was intentionally trying to hurt me and get to me which I agreed with. He asked me to remind myself why all of this happened in the first place and I said “because I told her how much she hurt me when I was growing up and how unloved I felt” and he said “exactly and why did you tell her that?” I replied “well, because she did” and he flung his arm up in the air and said “precisely!!! Don’t lose track of that. That’s what this is all about – she treated you terribly all of your life and you told her and now she’s punishing you!”.
I said that I sometimes play out conversations with her in my head and the latest one was me saying why don’t you ever contact me? Why don’t you ever want to see me? Why didn’t you even want to see me for my birthday?? And she replies that I don’t ever contact her either and that I never wanted to see her and then I didn’t have anything to say back to her because well, she’s right isn’t she??!
My husband just looked at me like I had gone mad and said “so??” And I was like “well so she’s right! What do I say back to that??”. I don’t think he understood what I was on about and by this point in the conversation he looked done in and put the tele on so I stopped talking about it.
It’s so hard to explain all these feelings and it’s bloody typical that T is on holiday this week now it’s all coming up. I’ll have to deal with it by myself and that feels hard at the moment.
I wrote this yesterday I know but I know I put in boundaries and I know I did the separating and distancing etc but I just needed things to be more healthy and normal. Not enmeshed and controlled but not ignored and rejected either – something in the middle but that’s not happened. As I’ve already said, it’s a reminder to me that it really is total enmeshment or absolutely nothing. That’s hard to properly accept and understand because it feels incomprehensible.
I think there’s some protective denial going on this weekend which I can kind of see. It’s like I’m making excuses for her isn’t it?
Someone suggested that I stopped spending so much of my time and energy on working out WHY she does things and WHY she isn’t contacting me and just concentrated on myself, but for some reason I don’t seem able to do that.
Someone else said that her backing way off like this could be intentional to make me panic and run back to her. That person asked if my mother used to do that to me as a child and I thought and realised that yes, she did. One of her main punishments other than the screaming was to withdraw from me entirely – literally ignore me in the house for weeks at a time. I guess she’s clever because that was always a sure way to get to me as it triggered all my deepest fears: abandonment and being unloveable etc.
That won’t work anymore because I’m an adult and I won’t let her control me by making me panic (well clearly I will but I won’t let her know that!).
My husband told me last night that I’m an adult with her own house and family and in laws etc around me and that I didn’t “need” her. He’s right, I probably don’t “need” her but I wish it would stop hurting so much that I want her to want me. At which point will that ever go away? If I’m still feeling this way at 31 will it ever stop?
I think it’s the child part inside me who’s really hurting over this stuff. She’s remembering all the times in the past that she was forgotten about and ignored and purposely left to feel abandoned and faulty. The adult me is a capable woman but the two get confused in times like this.
I told myself earlier that I really should try to remember that if she was that upset or cut up that she could be contacting me asking us to talk properly and she could be telling me she wishes we could have an open and honest conversation and try to rescue something; but she’s not so why am I feeling all of this if she’s not?
It probably doesn’t help that I’m so desperate for a child myself and I know how much I would love a child whether biological or adopted and so I’m really struggling to get my head around her actions.
I’m trying to work it all out like I’ll unlock the answer to it all and then da-daarrr! It’s all fixed because I found the key!
But that’s not going to happen.