Fertility update

Yesterday I had another appointment at the clinic. It was a pretty big day for us yesterday and the first day we were going to get any actual answers about what is/could be causing us difficulties. After 3 years of not knowing anything, I was SO excited for this day to arrive.

As we drove there yesterday morning I started to feel a little sick with nerves. There were SO many possibilities about the news we could get. We could be told that our struggle was “unexplained” or we could be told there were serious problems. We could be told there was an easy fix or no fix at all.. that we could try certain drugs first or that we would have to go straight to the BIG treatments. On top of that, I had to have my physical exam and though I had read quite a bit about it and had read it was nothing to worry about whatsoever, I was nervous because I actually found my last smear pretty horrible. 

We arrived at the clinic just before 9am and waited for my husband to be called in to do his bit (SA). This was his third one and so that wasn’t really a big deal but he was a bit freaked out because the other tests he has done he has done at home – this was going to be done at the clinic and, I mean, even as a woman I can understand that must be weird as hell!! He has since told me all about the room and what was said to him before/after and though we laughed our heads off, I have to admit I am surprised that more men don’t have a mental block. Hubby said that there was a TV in there (for some visual stimulation lol) but he said he didn’t dare turn the TV on because he was petrified the sound would come blaring out and everyone in the waiting room would hear it and know it was him and think he was a perv! LOL. Oh this still makes me laugh now.

We were then meant to wait until 10am for my appointment but annoyingly we were still sitting in the waiting room at 10.30 and I was getting anxious. The waiting room was empty apart from us so I started to panic that they had scheduled us wrong and we wouldn’t end up being seen and then I wouldn’t get any answers agghhh (luckily that didn’t happen). Finally the consultant came to get us and took us into a private room and then asked me to follow him into another room for the exam. Hubby was apparently meant to/allowed to come but clearly freaked out and decided to stay where he was LOL. So off I went.

I have to say, the physical exam was nothing. The worst part about it was the initial inserting of the camera device bit being a bit uncomfortable (not as bad as a smear though) and the rest was fine! I got to watch the screen and the consultant started to talk me through what he was looking at. He told me that I had a “beautiful uterus” which made me LOL and me and the nurse joked about how that is a compliment you don’t get to hear every day (though I suspect she probably does if truth be told). He then told me that there were no cysts or fibroids, no POLYPS, no endo etc. That was great to hear. He then said he was going to count my follicles on one side and he counted 4. I had no idea whether that was good or bad – he said he wanted more. Luckily he then started to find more and ended up finding 9 on one side and 8 on the other. Apparently that is fine. 

He said something about my tubes but to be honest I don’t really know what he was looking for because I have read before that they can’t get a good look at your tubes from an internal ultrasound – who knows. Regardless, all looked good and then we were done and I was able to get dressed and go and join him and my husband in the other room.

I was relieved that bit was over and now excited for the longgggg awaited answers!!

The consultant started by saying to me and my husband that my scan was good and that there were no problems at all. YAY. He then said he had my blood results and that my AMH was fine (I can’t remember the exact number now but it was in the “normal” range apparently. He then said my vitamin D levels were high (which apparently was a good thing) and he said “I don’t know how you have managed that because I am darker skinned than you so mine should be higher than yours”.) He said “what do you do?” and I said I didn’t know, but that I did take supplements – he told me to continue taking them. 

All good so far then.

He then said to my husband “right, you’re up” and he clicked onto his name on his computer and brought up his SA results. As said before, he has had a few so we weren’t worried about his results. He started to talk us through the results and all was good. He then told us the percentage of “normal” swimmers my hub has and we were so happy because the normal is 4% and the last few tests my husband had 2%. Yesterday he had 6% and we were made up because he quit smoking 3 weeks ago and has been taking the conception vitamins and so this felt like real evidence of how hard he had tried AND how much smoking effected things. I was also secretly really pleased because I knew he would really feel good about getting his results up from 2% and below average to 6% and above average – partly for fertility/health reasons and partly for male pride/ego!!!

And so we moved on.. back to me.

The consultant said to me “thyroid” and I thought to myself “I bet there’s a problem”… I was right. Weirdly I was quite happy as he indicated something wasn’t right which I know sounds really odd but I had been hoping for such a long time that the doctors would find something fairly simple wrong with me that could easily be fixed. 

I would explain the ins and outs of my thyroid problem but to be honest I can’t because it is sooo confusing. The short version of the story is that my brain is telling my thyroid to work harder than it should be/needs to and that a particular level for pregnant women/women trying to conceive is no higher than 2 and that mine was nearly 6. Whoa! He then said that he was concerned that the reason for this was an auto-immune disease and so he said he wanted me to have an Anti-TPO blood test. This will tell us whether my thyroid problem is caused from an auto-immune disease such as Graves Disease. Basically my immune system could be making antibodies that attack my thyroid. 

My husband asked if this could be the cause of us not being able to conceive but he didn’t really answer that straight (he tended to talk fast and he did talk to us like we were doctors to be honest – sometimes I had to ask him to clarify things he was saying). The general gist of his response was “no” because personally I still ovulate each month, BUT he said that my thyroid the way it is would not be able to support a baby if I were pregnant and so it needs to be sorted. I asked whether I would need medication for the thyroid issue and he said yes but that the first step was to have the blood test and find out what the cause was.

I have since Goggled the life out of this stuff and actually being pregnant before this is controlled would be pretty dangerous! It says that having Graves disease (or another autoimmune thyroid disease) which was not under control could cause miscarriage, pre-term labour, stillbirth, preeclampsia, maternal heart failure, poor foetal growth. Agghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Totally freaking out about this atm. So obviously this needs to be sorted ASAP.

He then said that it may be worth me having a HyCoSy (test to check my fallopian tubes are clear and not blocked). I was dreading him saying that to be honest because I have heard and read bad things about how painful it is – waaaahhh (yes I know, get over it if you want a baby..). He said he would be very surprised if I had any blockages given my background, lack of pregnancy, abortion or miscarriage and given how healthy my uterus was BUT it was worth checking and also, you can’t have IUI if your tubes are blocked. I told him that we had already paid for this test as part of our package and so I felt it was worth doing (as much as I hate to admit it).

Saying that, I have read that if your tubes are not blocked or even if they have a very tiny amount of tissue in them, this test kinda acts as a bit of a jet-wash and can really help. There are a lot of articles and forums online where women say they struggled to conceive for many years and then had this tube test and fell pregnant that same cycle or a cycle or two afterwards – imagiiinnneeee that!!

The doctor then went on to say that in summary my hub’s swimmers are great, my uterus is great and that we have age and BMI on our side. He said that I have regular cycles and ovulate naturally which were all really good. He said we basically had 3 options:

1)   Continue to try – but he understood that after 3 years, we may want to not wait much longer;

2)   Attempt IUI; or

3)   Attempt IVF.

He then spoke us through the differences between IUI and IVF. He showed us diagrams and photos and spoke about the pain and costs associated with both. To be honest I already knew a fair bit of what he was telling us (again – thanks Google!) but my hub looked completely lost lol. 

He told us that he didn’t think IUI was really that worthwhile for us because of our particular situation (i.e. that there were no obvious problems, thyroid aside). I asked him what the benefit would be and he said (whilst showing us a diagram) that it would mean we had all the very best swimmers (dead/abnormal ones cleaned away) and that they would be inserted via a catheter right up to my tubes meaning they had a much better chance of getting where they needed to go basically. He said the chances of success were between 15-20% for us. 

We then spoke about IVF and he told us about the drugs and injections and how the eggs would be taken out, fertilised (hopefully) and put back in. I asked him how painful each step of that was and he answered. He told us that the chances of success were higher and for us, about 54%. So quite a big difference in terms of success rates. Annoyingly the price difference is quite big too. A round of “natural” IUI (no hormones or drugs) would cost us £1,100. A round of full on IVF would be £5,000 but there are “extras” which total nearly another £1,000 and whilst you don’t need the extras, I think most people probably take them because if you are going to put yourself through this much and spend that much – I imagine you feel you would be mad not to pay the extra and get all the extra help you can. I know others may not feel like that. I don’t know how I feel yet.

We then left the room and went to speak to a nurse about the costs involved in all our different options and then I had the blood test for the thyroid thing and booked in the HyCoSy (tube test) for next week. I then had to do a urine test because they have to check you for chlamydia before they test your tubes. 

And then we finally left with what felt like a gazillion leaflets and A LOT to think about.

I felt happy. Hubby didn’t seem to feel half as happy as me – I wasn’t sure why. Unfortunately hubby had to go to work after and so we both had the rest of the day separate and unable to discuss anything but it gave us time to digest it all a little and I got to speak to T. 

Finally last night we went for a drive and had a chat about it all and we came up with an action plan (I have to have one otherwise I let it totally preoccupy me for days/weeks). Our action plan is:

1)   Get results back re thyroid/auto-immune system disease and sort out medication for that. I need to find out how long the meds will take to work properly – enough that if I were to fall pregnant, neither myself or the baby would be at risk. This is clearly the most important step for now.

2)   Get tube test done next week and find out if tubes are blocked or open as that will help decide future steps.

3)   Once tubes have been jet-washed (and we know they are open (fingers crossed) AND my thyroid has been sorted out – potentially we could try naturally for another few cycles).

4)   Then (if tubes open) try a round of IUI. Despite the doctor telling us the success rates, we feel it would be worth a shot because we don’t have a spare £6k and it would take us a long while to save that amount PLUS once everything else has been hopefully fixed, it might just give us a little helping hand without having to go through the gruelling hormones and injections and egg harvesting etc. We feel it is worth a go even if the odds aren’t fantastic.

5)   Lastly: save for IVF.

I feel quite good today. I mean, there is clearly a lot of stuff to take in and fully understand here and I am slightly concerned about this autoimmune thing. I am nervous about what that could mean if I were to get pregnant but I am relieved that I know the other things are in our favour (no cysts, good sperm, good egg supply etc). It could certainly be worse.

That’s where we are now… I am just being a scaredy-cat about the tube test next week and I will probably Google more things and then wish I hadn’t – clearly I have a Google addiction.

If anyone has been through any of this and would like to leave me a comment, I would really love to hear your thoughts/stories! Anyone with Graves or thyroid issues that has had trouble conceiving or anyone that is/was on thyroid meds and had a pregnancy? Anything really – I don’t have anyone in my “real” life to talk to so I would love a conversation. 

Twink x

Seeing my mum

So you may remember that about 6 weeks or so ago I saw my mother for breakfast and at the end of the meeting she cried her eyes out and said how much she missed me etc. It threw me into a bit of a tizzy and I started having all sorts of fantasies that maybe things could get better between us.

After some time and speaking to T, that feeling subsided and I came back down to reality, BUT since then we’ve texted more regularly than we have for a few years. I was actually enjoying our texts which is saying something! 

I started to confide in her more than I have for a long while about various events in my life but nothing that she could ruin or anything. Then I realised I would be in her town monday visiting my father and so I suggested I met her beforehand. She agreed. 

When I met her she was watching me walk towards her and her first words were “you’ve put weight on!!”. I was so shocked and unprepared I couldn’t believe it. She followed up by saying that it looked better on me as I had got “too skinny”. 

We then went into a shop and she picked up a tiny pair of Jeans and said “these are your size”. She wasn’t being sarcastic but clearly she must know I’m not that small – especially after her comment!! She did twice. 

I was only with her about an hour and a half but I left feeling like she was angry. I even noticed that a few seconds into seeing her I questioned myself “am I angry and projecting onto her?” But I was wasn’t – she was dumping her anger on me. 

In hindsight I think she was furious with me. Furious that I was going to be seeing my dad. Furious I was going to a family bbq with him when I refuse to go to “her side’s” events and god knows what else. It honestly felt like the mum I saw 6 weeks ago who cried she missed me and yesterday’s mum were different people! Oh I should add in that shop she bought me some clothes (she just grabbed them off me and paid). 

Anyway, now I feel like the weight comment was punishment. I think she’s so angry with me and that comment just came out. That or she really is glad I’ve put some weight on because she would rather I was chubbier than her – who knows. 

Either way I can feel she’s not going to keep meeting me just for lunch or coffees much longer. She’s clearly peed off and I can *feel* it’s coming. What am I going to do when she asks “is this all we are ever going to do?”. I don’t know how to answer that. 

One part of me is enjoying things the way they are and have been for the last couple of years. I see her on my terms maybe every two months for an hour. One part of me wishes things were different (but they aren’t). I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to start going to her house and seeing her husband etc – I don’t want to go back to spending every birthday and Xmas with her and her husband and the wider family. I don’t even really know why that is …. I wouldn’t know what to say. 

I’m dreading her asking “is this all we can ever do?” Or “when will you come to my house again” or that type of thing. My mum’s style is to tell me I’m dragging something out or being silly. I’m genuinely not doing anything to punish her – but since I’ve distanced myself to this contact, I’ve felt much better.

I think I’ve lost sight of my reasons for not doing those things, it’s like I’ve forgotten. I don’t feel safe going to her house and seeing her husband or the extended family without my husband (and they don’t speak) and I don’t want to have a life where I see her and then without him. He point blank refuses to see her and she still doesn’t even say his name.

What a mess!!

Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers

Today has to be the shittiest day. I mean I say that quite a lot on a Monday, but genuinely today was total and utter shit. Shit on a stick.

To explain I’ll need to go back in time a few days, to Thursday. Thursday my hubby and I FINALLY had our consultation at the fertility clinic. That was a very, very long time coming and after numerous sets of blood tests and semen analysis’ etc, we were finally going to speak to an expert!! After the NHS doing a giant number on us and dropping us, we were paying for the privilege of this expert, but even that did not dampen my mood. I was elated. Honestly I had been counting down the days for weeks and weeks and so when I woke up that morning, I was like a kid at Christmas.

So off we went, we arrived at the fertility clinic and went inside. The reception area was completely empty other than a slightly strange receptionist but we booked ourselves in and sat down to wait. We arrived 5 minutes early. Annoyingly we were still sitting there waiting 20 minutes later and were both getting a bit annoyed because surely someone should have at least acknowledged our wait, but no.

Eventually we were called in by a doctor who’s name I genuinely cannot say or spell lol – he’s Greek but have us a nickname. I’ll refer to him as Costas. Costas thought we were there for a second opinion and I corrected him that no, this was our first opinion and then he said he had no notes at all for us and asked if we had been given a questionnaire? No we had not. Not the best start.

I showed him our test results and to make this less boring for anyone reading it, he said that I needed to have an AMH blood test which checks for your ovarian reserve, an internal ultrasound – which checks for cysts, fibroids, endo etc, and finally a HyCoSy which checks to see if your Fallopian tubes are clear or blocked. I wasn’t surprised by any of that as I’ve spent months (years) on Google and forums etc. Fine.

However then he basically waves us out the room. I was expecting a hell of a lot more detail – I was expecting questions about my cycles and about whether and when I ovulate. I was expecting questions about how often we have sex and our history etc etc…. but he just kept waving his hand and saying “that’s for later”.

My husband looked at me and said “okay?” I was clearly visibly shocked or annoyed or upset and I kinda nodded yeah and we left the room and paid. I looked at my watch because I couldn’t believe how quickly the appointment had gone and it had been 17 minutes from start to finish. I felt ripped off to be honest. I also felt like I was going to burst into tears so we paid and hurried out the building.

We went to a nearby coffee shop and I told my husband how I felt. I said I was shocked at how brief the apt was, how little he seemed to ask, how I barely understood him (not his fault I know), how it felt like a rip-off in terms of money, particularly as he didn’t even spend the entire apt time with us and then out of nowhere I said I felt petrified of the tests I needed to have AND that I wasn’t sure I could face HIM doing them and then I cried and said I felt overly scared and said he reminded me of that man that abused me when I was young.

Hubby was rightly shocked, horrified and concerned and started to reassure me that we would never go there, ever again. I felt overwhelmed, scared, let down and all sorts of other things.

However….

an hour or so later I started to feel a bit better. Then I had my phone apt with T and she did well to ground me. She reminded me that he was an expert, a specialist, a professional. She told me he wouldn’t be “pervy”. She spoke to me about how I needed to try to separate the emotion from the physical tests needed and to look at them as a means to an end and to try to take the feelings to her or family or friends and keep them out of the fertility clinic if I could. She also said that I was absolutely entitled to find another consultant or clinic if I didn’t feel happy with him.

I later googled the consultant and his reviews are amazing. I didn’t read a single bad one. I also found out that he teaches AND he writes medical papers…. maybe I was too quick to judge. I since think that I may have just used him to project all my feelings into. My worries, insecurities, fears, anxiety etc.

I feel a bit bad now. Eek.

Anyway, between then and last night I was completely consumed by trying to google other local clinics, seeing what packages they offered, comparing prices, comparing live birth rates, comparing distance etc etc…. I also read every article I could find on the tests I need to have, on the most common reasons for female infertility… and I then googled all the signs and symptoms of each to see if I could narrow anything down. I was STRESSED by the end of yesterday and we had the children here (at the in laws where I’m living) and I just felt fed up.

Unfortunately my husband (whom I love very much) asked me “what’s wrong??” and I swear to god I could have shot him. How is it that I’m obsessed by this, and he doesn’t even have a clue why it is that I may not be at my best? Same husband also said to me when we woke up yesterday morning (with a huge smile) “god I love it when I wake up and the kids are here”.

Gulp.

I mean, that’s lovely. But ouch. You know? I don’t get that same feeling because they aren’t mineeeeeeeee and I am jealous that he gets that feeling and then I got a headache and then I felt moody and sad and inside my ovaries were crying (again). Plus I get all the fun stuff of being stepmum such as making sure everyone’s brushed their teeth, eaten, that the in-law’s house is tidy, that the kids have washed clothes, lunch, dinner etc etc….. I love my stepkids but this weekend doing all of this was tough. ESPECIALLY whilst not living in my own house and on top of the clinic apt and my mind full of all things fertility.

In the end I found another clinic which was cheaper and just as good and so my husband suggested we emailed the first clinic and asked why they were so much more expensive and if they would give us a discount. Now I don’t like to do things like this, but the consultant did say, and I quote “I do good discounts if you ask”. So Hubby’s thought process was – why not ask?!

As I write this we’ve had no response 🤣😂

However today I phoned the other (cheaper) clinic and asked some questions and I have to say, they sound lovely. The lady I spoke to was so helpful, friendly, professional and I just liked her. She also told me I could book the first appointment (blood test) within a couple of days if I wanted to and that my second appointment (physical exam and consultation) could be 24 hours later once my blood results were back.

She also said that they didn’t make people have the HyCoSy test immediately at apt two because sometimes they get all the info they need from the first physical scan and blood test. I assume she means that if your results show you have, say, no eggs or cysts etc – they plan to treat that. Basically they don’t make you go through the pain of the HyCosy unless necessary BUT it is included in the price – half the price of clinic number one.

I think I’m pretty sold on this clinic now so I’m hoping to plan a date and time with the hub tonight to get that first one booked in and then the second one after that. Can’t pretend I’m not thrilled by potentially not having to have the HyCosy – everything I’ve read sounds horrific.

Anyway……

Fertility stuff aside at 9am this morning the estate agents rang me. I was so excited as I knew exchange was approaching soon so I answered excitedly …. however I was told bad news. Our sellers have lost their purchase. Their buyers have pulled out.

I literally couldn’t believe it. After all this time?

They are now out looking again and are apparently very keen to move ASAP and are worried they could lose their sale (us). All I could think was OMG I cannot believe we could have to live at the in-laws for another 3 months… or more, who knows?!

I also felt sorry for myself and thought “why now? Give me a break!!” and I also felt angry because I just want to get pregnant and I want to be in my own house before we do any treatments and so I NEED this fucking house to hurry up!! Agghhh.

After that random things went to shit. My husband left his laptop at home and had to travel in and out of the city twice. He’s had to work late. I had to do some shit jobs at work, it was Monday. I was tired etc etc….

Its now 7.15pm and I should probably go and get dinner started but I’m still stuck on the sofa typing this out and knowing how the rest of my day has gone, I wouldn’t be hugely surprised if my phone breaks, wipes this entire blog or the house catches fire 🤣 lol okay so I may be being a little dramatic but you know the feeling right?

Yes I’m having a pity party for one. 🥳

On the plus side I walked in tonight to an empty house as the in laws are away – and a pair of brand new slippers on the side which hubby clearly picked up on one of his many trips to work and back today. It’s the little things isn’t it? I cried when I saw them LOL.

Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers it seems.

💓

Dreams about T

It’s 6.28am and I’m just having a quick cup of tea before leaving the house for work. Last night I had therapy and I went to bed as soon as I got home and slept so heavily throughout the night that I almost didn’t mind having to get up today when my alarm went off.

On Monday night however I had a dream about T. In the dream T said “I’ll see you next week but from then on at 4.30pm on a Monday”. I had no idea what she meant and so I questioned her and she said that she was going on holiday, then having a medical procedure and so she couldn’t see me at my usual time any longer. I was stressed and confused and thinking to myself that work wouldn’t allow me to change my hours again and then she said “or you can just wait 3 or 4 months and then see me again at your normal time – it’s up to you”. In the dream I was panicking and thinking 3 or 4 months!! I couldn’t go that long without seeing T – what was going on???

She then said something to me about someone but she couldn’t remember that person’s name. She went through about 4 other names before I promoted her. I can’t remember now who’s name it was, but it was someone’s name that she knew – for example my husband.

I left feeling utterly confused and quite stressed and angry. What was going on? What had happened to T??

I took this dream to her last night. I told her that I thought it was clever I had had the dream the night before seeing her – like it came to me on purpose ready to talk to her about. We spoke about it for a while and T said she thought it was to do with the fact her break is coming up in 3 weeks’ time.

I said that in the dream I was looking at T and was concerned for her – I said that it was like she was unwell or had got old and confused and it was scary. T said “do you have any concerns??” and so I bit the bullet and said …. “well…. I wasn’t going to say because it honestly doesn’t bother me, but you have been calling my stepdad “Martin” lately”. T said that she had also been thinking about that but that she assured me she doesn’t even know of another Martin and so she wasn’t confusing him with anyone – she seemed quite baffled herself and was saying she had been wracking her brain trying to figure out who on earth “Martin” could be! We had a bit of a laugh.

I told her that I totally understood she was just human and that I was thinking how she has to remember her client’s names but then also all of their friends and families names as well as everyone in her own personal life! She jokingly told me that in actual fact, she’s shit at remembering names. I said I disagreed as she had always done well with me and remembered everyone in my life (husband, kids, parents, sister, in law’s etc”. She said “I do alright with you because I’m pretty involved in your life, but anyone else – my own family even! They are fucked!!”. She then joked further “sometimes people ask me my own name and I have to think “what IS my name?””. We both laughed a lot and joked about how my dream was coming true after all!!

We spoke more seriously as well about the fear of T getting old and the fear that she could suddenly drop me and how she has the power in that sense etc. She reassured me that whilst she was getting older, she was not “old” or unwell. I told her that she had surprised me by taking another two week break in September when she had already had a 2 week break in July. She nodded and I said maybe I was worried she was taking more breaks and forgetting my step-dad’s name because she was getting old or unwell and that had caused an unconscious panic about her leaving me. T also said “and we did have that mix up a while back” (she was referring to a session where she said she would see me in 3 weeks’ time and I had absolutely NO idea there was a break coming up and burst into tears”.

She explained to me that the reason she was taking another break in September was because she no longer worked in a school and so could take holiday whenever she wanted now rather than purely in school holidays and said it’s a long stint from July to October without a break. I nodded along and felt better about her reasons though admit I would rather she just took 2 weeks in August than 2 in July and 2 in September – but there we go!!

We also spoke about some other things, work issues I’m having at the moment and about the fact it’s mine and my hubby’s first appointment with a specialist consultant tomorrow at the fertility clinic and how excited I was. She said she had remembered and told me to take notes with me with any questions on and said how she hoped they would be good and that I would feel they could help etc.

That’s it really. I better get off to work now so have a good day all!!

therapy in the park & inner calm

I want to write whilst I have a moment, living with 8 people in the in-laws house without a bedroom doesn’t allow for a lot of time to sit and contemplate one’s inner-thoughts yet alone allow for time to actually write them down! So whilst I am at work on this lovely Friday afternoon without much work to do, I thought I would grab the opportunity. 

I spoke to T on the phone yesterday as is my current routine since the move. To be honest I wasn’t really looking forward to it because I find it difficult to think of enough to talk about on the phone. I don’t really know why that is because I certainly don’t have that issue when there with her face-to-face, but there we go! Anyway, since the move to the in-laws I drive myself to a local park to speak to T where I can be alone and not overheard and me and my husband have taken to calling this TITP – Therapy In The Park, which has kinda stuck and I quite like it ha ha.

So yesterday’s TITP was way better than I had imagined it would be. I’m not entirely sure why, but as I settled down to speak to her, I realised that I felt a real sense of happiness and calm (which is VERY surprising considering everything). During our hour-long phone conversation, I felt light-hearted, fun, happy and just light… we laughed quite a lot and I felt totally and utterly unfiltered like I wasn’t thinking at all about the words forming in my head before they fell out of my lips – I just said stuff and laughed and it was just great. Before I knew it the phone session was over and I was fine with that in the sense that I had nothing pressing to talk about and I felt… whatever it is you feel after a good therapy session.. perhaps contained? – anyway we hung up and I felt myself literally smiling (probably made me look like a freak in public on her own grinning) and I went for a stroll around the park and took some photos and sent one to T showing her the view and telling her that I could get used to TITP. She sent me a quick message back and I smiled and put my phone away. 

Now nothing about that sounds particularly interesting I know, but the feeling I got was new… and if not new, then not common enough to feel “normal” or be taken for granted. It was nice. Really nice. I would quite like to tell her this but I wouldn’t have a clue how to explain it and I don’t want to analyse it or over-think/over-talk it and ruin it, so I am just writing it here to note it down for myself really. 

Regarding my mother..

I wanted to write another update about where I am with things regarding my mother after the other week’s complete meltdown. I still can’t believe how much that got to me, how much it shook me and how utterly distressed and desperate I felt.  

I feel so much better now. So, so, so much better.  

I seem to have found a bit of a middle-ground though and I’ve not gone straight back to how I was before the meltdown occurred in that me and my mother have exchanged more messages in the last few week than we had for about a year(!) but I am finding them nice, but not drastically important, and I’ve lost that awful, sudden need to see her which feels safer. At the same time her messages aren’t making or breaking my days and I am not consumed by the content or anything… it’s hard to explain. Yesterday we exchanged some messages about random things – she sent me photos of her new lounge and her garden and spoke about some events she has coming up etc and I spoke about how I am excited for a wedding next week and mine and Hubby’s apt at the fertility clinic etc. I was slightly nervous that she might ask me when I was coming to stay with her, but she didn’t and so I didn’t need to worry about what to say and how to say it which was a relief. 

I was telling a friend about how I felt the other week and about how upset I was in my session and she said to me “Well I have to admit that if one of my kids didn’t speak to me or want to see me, I would be very upset too” (her kids are also adults) and I found myself saying back to her “Yes but the difference is that if one of your kids didn’t want to see you and you had nothing to do with them or their wife, you would be sitting around trying to figure out what had gone wrong/what you had done and how you could make it better wouldn’t you?” – she agreed. I then said “the difference is, my mum has had years to do that but all she seems to come up with is that she’s never done anything wrong and that it is just all down to my husband and how he has manipulated me and poisoned me against her”. 

The words came out of my mouth and it was like I *heard* them and surprised myself at my own understanding (weird I know). I realised as I said it that it was absolutely true. I knew it before and I know it now, but I didn’t *feel* it the other week. The other week when I was completely and utterly drowning in the child part of me’s hopes and dreams and wishful thinking, none of that felt remotely important. I was willing to turn a blind eye to everything – all of it – in exchange for the love of my mother. I was utterly desperate to be looked after and nurtured and protected et. It felt bigger than everything. It felt HUGE. The logic had detached from the feelings and I couldn’t hold both at the same time.  

Now, at the moment I find myself in this weird no-man’s land really. I question if I am a little numb? (I am not sure). The way I feel is that I can see/feel/remember all the bad stuff yet feel no anger about it and also I can understand the wants, needs and wishes of the child but nowhere near enough to want to actually try and get them. I have no intention of going to stay at her house or of turning up at her door crying or begging her for the chance for us to start again or any of that dramatic, movie-type stuff that I was imagining. I just feel…. nothing really… just like I am here and I can see both sides of it equally but without being affected by either. 

I am not sure if that is a good sign of having balanced myself back out (potentially more so than before!) or whether I am actually numb because the pain of the other week was too much. Who knows? It sure feels better this way though. I feel calm inside and I am not caught up in the stress and anxiety of being angry with her, being hurt by her lack of contact or dreading seeing her or whatever.. I just feel like we can have a few messages about normal stuff which is genuinely fine… but I am not being guilt-tripped or attacked and I am not dying for more or using her messages to boost me up….. it just is what it is and it is actually fine. For now at least.

What happened rocked me in a massive, massive way. I am still shocked by the hugeness of the pain I felt but I am so, so glad that it has passed and that I am okay. I am wondering whether that is likely to happen again? Is it part of the process or was it me falling off the wagon so to speak? Has it helped in some weird way? Who knows!

Oh and to end, this made me laugh…. My mother said yesterday that she had started to read a book my sister recommended. She told me the name of it and so I downloaded it at the park yesterday and I’ve been listening to it since. The book is hilariously funny and extremely crude and rude and shocking in content, BUT that didn’t surprise me. What surprised me is this….. the girl who is narrating the story in first person/diary-entry style, is a young girl. This girl is having therapy…………. This girl is having therapy………………HA. My mother and my sister LOVED this book about a girl in therapy – it makes you die doesn’t it? The two people most adverse to anyone having therapy. Hilarious. Anyway, I am yet to see if the therapist is painted as some manipulating, evil, money-grabber (I sincerely hope not), but we shall see. It is interesting to me because as neither of them have a clue what therapy consists of and as they both clearly have their own fantasies (as T would say) – this book may be changing their opinion.. or confirming them!!

 

 

The feels

I’ve wanted to write about the feelings I’ve been having regarding my mother over the last week or two but I’ve not really known how to explain the way I’ve been feeling or what I’ve been thinking and then on top of that, I’ve moved out of my house and into my in-laws and so I really don’t have much time (or space!) to be able to do so.

The problem with this is however, that I now feel a bit stressed and a bit …Ahhhh where it’s all inside and needs to be written out a little.

It’s also hard to write about feelings that change so quickly. Last Sunday I was crying and feeling SO much sadness and grief and was very much in my child state – last Tuesday’s session was the same but today as I say, being in someone else’s house, surrounded by lots of people and noise and mess… the feelings aren’t really “here” and so it all feels a little disjointed.

Basically last Sunday as I say I was feeling like a vulnerable child. The upcoming move was stressing me out and I had seen my mother a week previous which is when she cried and told me how much she missed me and wished she could see me more. I posted about that at the time so there’s a separate post for details. Her tears seem to have really made an impact on me, it was very hard for me seeing her cry. Seeing her tears and seeing her vulnerable possibly for the first time ever was horrible. Seeing her upset made me feel hopeful I think. I think it really ignited something in me and as I was feeling vulnerable and stressed about the move, it all got too much and by Sunday last week, I was crying and feeling like I really needed my mum.

When I went to my session on Tuesday I was so desperate to tell T all about it but I was also anxious and I was nervous that she would make comments about how my mother was playing games or wasn’t genuine and that I would feel angry or defensive etc. What actually happened is that I told T I had “apparently lost my mind and gone totally crazy” and I told her what had happened and how I felt.

T was kind, she seemed understanding and empathetic but she did make it clear that I was feeling vulnerable and child-like and that I really needed to try not to react and to try to just “stay still” and not do anything at the moment. In that session I cried. I really, really cried. I sobbed into my hands in a way that I’ve not for a very long time in therapy. I felt exhausted and I felt completely lost. I said things along the lines of “it doesn’t feel natural to have to to stay away from your mum” and I said that I hated myself for forgetting everything I had learnt but that the knowledge and facts felt so far removed from my feelings.

T said that she hoped I would take some comfort just from having spoken out the feelings and sharing them with T – from crying even. I thought to myself that was very unlikely. It was a really weird and shit feeling actually….. I was effectively being told to NOT do the thing I felt I wanted and needed to do in order to feel better. It felt unfair and it felt strange and cruel. I’m a way I guess it felt like punishment or something.

The next day unfortunately was moving day and so I didn’t have any time to process the feelings and I was stressed and overwhelmed.

By Thursday’s session I wasn’t really sure what I was thinking or feeling so when T asked me “where I was” with it all, I didn’t know. I said I wasn’t sure and that I guess I felt a bit numb to it all. I had kind of blocked it out. I told T that my mum had text me on move day and again the day after (that day) to ask how it went. T asked how that felt and I said it was weird really because it was more contact/effort than she had made for such a long time BUT it felt a little bit like she was doing it in order to get some sort of pay-off (mainly me going to her house to stay one evening)…..

I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone else, it’s hard to explain but luckily T seemed to understand what I was saying.

Anyway Friday was my wedding anniversary and my husband and I went away for a night which was very much needed and was lovely. Today is strange as we are living at his parents’ house and his sister is here with her 3 kids and we don’t have a bedroom or anything and it’s hard today…. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m feeling down about the baby stuff I posted about yesterday and ruminating about being here and missing my own house as well as the above…. I’m feeling just a bit stuck and frustrated and me and my husband have been bickering because of it which is such a shame after such a wonderful couple of days away. Bit of a crash landing.

I’m trying not to think about my mum too much because I am scared I’ll dive bomb back into those horribly painful feelings of last week. The neediness and grief like feelings – they were so horrible, honestly I didn’t know what to do with myself. T said it may feel like life an death and that’s so true. I felt like I could die if I didn’t go to her. Apparently that’s attachment and that’s what keeps babies bonded and attached to their parents/caregiver – she explained that is how children can desperately want to stay with their parent even if they are abused by them. We are programmed to attach to them for our survival and so I guess that goes some way to explaining why I felt as bad as I did.

I know that being realistic, going to my mum’s would mean pretending everything was fine and sweeping everything that has happened the last few years under the rug and I don’t want to do that. The alternative would be to hash it out and I really can’t even stomach the thought of that. My mum still doesn’t think she’s ever done anything wrong so where would that conversation end?

It feels like a waste. She’s there – I’m here. She seems to want a relationship and obviously so do I…. but it just isn’t that simple.

One thing I have just remembered is that when I was crying on Tuesday, T said “what do you hope to achieve?” (about me going to my mum’s house). I thought for a second and laughed and cried at the same time as I said I had no idea. T said the feelings had taken over and that I needed to try to bring the thinking/logic back a little to keep me safe.

So that’s that really….. I still feel a bit numb about it all. I’m worried that she will text me and ask me when I’m going because I’m still caught between half wanting to go and half knowing it’s not a good idea. I don’t want to hurt her and I know she’s got her hopes up. I also haven’t told my husband any of this…. he doesn’t have a clue how I’ve been feeling or about what I’ve said to my mum or about how badly I cried at T’s last week…..

I hate that any of this is real you know. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say and maybe it sounds like a poor me but I do hate it. I wish so badly that it could be different.

Infertility heartache

Today I walked into a gift shop and found myself surrounded by teddies and baby toys. I decided it would be nice to buy my sister in law a gift because she’s pregnant and we are staying together in the same house at the moment. I found it hard to pick what to buy her because everything was so darn cute. After much deliberation I picked a Winnie the Pooh classic comforter and a little gift bag and went and paid for it. As I walked out the shop, I suddenly felt this sadness rush over me. I pulled the comforter out of the bag and said to my husband “God I want a baby so much it actually hurts. I wish I was buying this for our baby”. He said “I know” and looked sad and a little awkward. He admitted that as soon as he walked into the shop and had seen all the teddies, he knew I would feel like that.

Anyway, we carried on our day and a couple of hours later we went into a cute tea rooms for a snack. As I sat down I was drawn to a young mother breastfeeding her tiny baby. I looked away in case I embarrassed her and also in case she thought I was weird(!) but my eyes kept being drawn back to them. At one point the baby was laying on the table between its mother and father who were both cooeing over it and making all sorts of baby voices and noises and who both looked utterly in love. Without even processing any conscious thoughts my eyes filled with tears and I felt like I could cry a river. I coughed and dipped my drink and tried to distract myself with the menu. My husband obviously noticed something was up and asked what but I told him I would tell him later because I would cry.

I’m not sure if he knew or not, or whether he figured it out – I don’t even know if it matters whether he knew or not really.

I joked to my husband earlier that my ovaries hurt where I’m so desperate to have a baby but it’s not even really a joke at all. I’ve never felt anything like it before. It’s a horrible combination of a kind of grief mixed with a loss, mixed with jealousy and of shame (for me at least). It can make me feel so angry and so bitter when I see so many people with babies, or who are pregnant and I hate that – who admits that? It makes me so frustrated when well meaning family say things like “it will happen when you least expect it” or something along those lines.

Yesterday we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and we had the most perfect day. We went away to a gorgeous hotel just the two of us and we spoilt ourselves with afternoon tea, glasses of wine, delicious food, a nap(!!), a bath in a roll-top bath and beautiful walks around the grounds. I felt lucky, I felt loved and yes, I admit, it crossed my mind that sometimes having the freedom to do these things is lovely.

But….

But the realisation of it being a year since our wedding makes it all the more painful that another year has passed us by without us having got pregnant. Sometimes it feels like life is passing us by and I panic and worry it’s really never going to happen.

My husband wants a baby with me I know he does BUT he has had 3 children and he already has the love and experiences and memories of them. His life wouldn’t be ruined without another child – mine feels like it would be completely ruined.

I think that can make the struggle even more difficult sometimes, it can make the longing and sadness feel quite lonely. For example my husband is currently napping on the sofa and I’m writing this with tears running down my cheeks.

I want a baby so badly. I want to be a mummy so much. I want to hold a baby and feel it grip my finger. I want to smile and watch it feed or fall to sleep. I want to experience being pregnant and giving birth (yes, even that!). I want the excitement of wondering what the child will be like, who they will become, what they will like and dislike and I want them to be happy.

I’m in love with a baby that doesn’t even exist yet.

That’s all really…. I just needed to write that and get it out of my head. Maybe I’ll feel less lonely putting this out there to be read by others. I’m not looking for any advice or anything, I just needed to put it down on paper (well, a screen).

Sending love to anyone else that may be experiencing similar feelings.

👶 💓