Therapist talking about her daughters

So over the last 5 years my T has never spoken to me about her daughters. The only exception to this was the time I once Google stalked T and found out she had two daughters, both near my age – one a year older and one a couple of years younger. I told T about that and we spoke about it and over the years I’ve admitted I’ve felt jealous of her daughters and that I’ve had dreams of her and her daughters.

Anyway, with those exceptions, she does not mention her family or her children. Ever.

But yesterday… yesterday she made two references to her daughters in one session. The first was more generic like “when I had mine” or “when mine were babies” but later she was talking about theatre tickets and said “I went to the theatre with my daughter once when she lived up there whilst she was at uni”…

I’ve slept on this and I’m trying to see if anything’s coming up for me but other than a bit of shock/surprise I think I’m okay. I mean, I knew anyway so what’s the difference? My main question is why now? Why yesterday did she decide to mention her daughters? Was it because she wanted to test my reaction or because she thinks I’m more able to handle it now? Or did she just not think?

It’s funny because she told me last week that she was a pescatarian after I told her I thought she was vegan – and I liked knowing. I liked knowing the truth about her and what she likes and dislikes etc. Her talking about her daughters is okay … I think…. it’s less about them and more about what T is thinking and why she’s decided to talk about them.

That or I’m in denial and I’ll be a crying mess tomorrow or Sunday once I’ve thought about it all more.

I wonder if T will ask me how it felt in our next session.

Is she doing this on purpose to gauge where I am? I don’t think it’s a simple case of her “forgetting”, I like to think not anyway. In fact at Christmas she told me she was going to see “a friend” who was in a play when I knew that “friend” was in fact her daughter. So why did she protect me then, but tell me the truth this time?

Interesting.

Triggered anger

So this is actually quite hard to write about.. I thought about writing this in my paper diary, but I am too scared to do that in case my husband or one of the kids ever read it.

As I wrote earlier, I heard something on a tv show that made me realise that I’ve been being triggered by my stepchildren lately and it is triggering my childhood rage.  The realisation was a bit of a shock but it did come at a good time as I was going to be seeing T a few hours later.

So this is the harsh reality (as much as I hate to admit it) – my stepchildren are triggering my anger.  T says it could also be envy.  My stepchildren are making me angry…. oh dear.

It’s weird because I love my stepchildren and I enjoy them – mostly.  Every now and again I will wish they weren’t coming, but that feeling passes almost immediately after they arrive.  T says that even real bio parents sometimes need a break from their kids, in fact she said that kids really push and test their parents when growing up. However… this is what I realised earlier: at Easter, our Eurovision party and at camping I’ve spent one day happy and one day a crazed lunatic.  I’ve written here before that sometimes I find myself on some mental cleanathon and I find myself seriously irritated by the fact that I’ve plumped the sofa cushions and someone will sit (lay actually) on the sofa.  Sometimes I mop the floor and then ten minutes later there will be crumbs on the floor and I feel like I will explode. Now.. the sofa plumping cushion thing…. well, I realised today in therapy that it is extremely similar to it when I was a child (with OCD) and I would have to completely strip my bed covers if someone sat on my bed.  Very similar right?  T says its about feeling out of control.

I told T that I feel awful and I hate that I feel this way.  Obviously it is really important to me that I am NOT in any way like my mother. It is very important to me to be the nice, caring and loving stepparent to my stepchildren.  It is worrying that this anger is being triggered now.. why now? Clearly it is not their fault and on the whole, I do really well.  I have not ever taken it out on the children but internally .. well, that is a whole different story.  Internally sometimes I feel so bloody angry and nine times out of ten, it identifies itself in the form of angry cleaning.

I told T that I hate myself for the clean and tidy freak that comes out. I hate that inside I want to kill the children when they leave their empty glasses on the floor and then walk into the kitchen. When they lay across the sofa I’ve just plumped up and hoovered.  When they watch me mop or wash up and then leave their crap everywhere.. I don’t want to be that person who makes the kids feel like they can’t even breathe because the house has to be tidy because who did that?  Yah.. my mother.  To the point where our lounge was, in her words (literally) “a show lounge” and not to be used.  Yah…

I told T today that my mother never used to let me or my sister bring our blankets into the lounge because it “made the room look a mess”.  She used to tell us that if we wanted to sleep, we had a bedroom to lay in.  I told T that over the last 5 years that I’ve been a stepmother, I’ve let them make up beds in the lounge and bring down their teddies.  I’ve been the fun, relaxed, cool stepmum and now all of a sudden……. I’m this angry clean-freak woman. Why??

I think the answer is anger.  I think, for whatever reason my anger has decided to start to show its face and it makes sense that the kids would be my trigger really doesn’t it? Childhood and all.  Happy, lovely family days and memories and having someone (me) planning these lovely days for them.. taking photos of them, loving them (as well as their own mum, their dad, their grandparents etc).  I’m jealous? Maybe I am.. .what a weird thing to think. To feel.

T said that it is good I have realised it, that I can acknowledged it and she said that I have internalised things from my mother and so if I am mindful about it, I can make sure I don’t take it out on the kids.  She didn’t seem half as concerned as I am!

So I guess I need a plan.  What will I do when I am next feeling triggered and like I am going to rip the kids’ heads off because of an empty glass or unmade med?  I am going to need to find a way to get the feelings out of my body in a healthy way – a way that honours the pain of the child inside me, without hurting another child.

I’ve not worked that bit out yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Triggered childhood rage?

I was just casually watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and a couple of the characters were discussing Thanksgiving and one of them said something along the lines of “Thanksgiving – people spend too much time with their families and it triggers repressed childhood rage and makes them angry and depressed…” (there was more but I checked out at that point).

It was like something inside me just clicked into place. Like I suddenly understood something.

I’ve only been thinking about this for about 5 minutes but I am hoping to talk to T about this at today’s session. What I’m thinking is this…. recently I have been finding myself feeling really angry and stressed and wound up after being with the kids (and my in laws I suppose) for too long. I seem to have a limit to how much I can handle and then suddenly I’m overwhelmed.

Looking back over the last month or so I can think of a few examples of this. I’ve woken up angry and I’ve gone on crazy house-cleaning binges. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming need to run away – to escape. Sometimes I feel like I need to scream and sometimes I need to cry.

It hasn’t occurred to me that perhaps spending “too much” time with the kids/with the family is triggering some old childhood rage, or pain. Well, I have done I suppose but not like this. Not in the way that I feel right now – some sort of realisation and lightbulb moment.

And on the subject of anger… and perhaps repressed childhood anger… maybe this explains my reluctance (or perhaps refusal?) to contact my mother first. Maybe my anger is actually being triggered and maybe it’s more on the surface than I realised?

I have my second therapy appointment in a few hours time so hopefully I can talk to T about this and make some sense of it.

You know sometimes you just *feel* something in your bones? This *feels* right. It feels like something’s shifted inside.

Inner dialogue

Ah. Finally I am sat down ready to write.  I’ve wanted to write for a while but just not had time so this feels like a real relief.

So things to write about then… well, I’ve been and come back from our camping trip and the family bbq that I decided to avoid has been and gone.  I’m glad about that.  I decided to deactivate my social media accounts on Saturday to avoid any photos or any triggering tweets which I felt pretty proud about.  In fact when I woke up Sunday morning I was showering and thinking to myself that I’ve come pretty far, I’ve been able to say no to the family event AND I’ve been able to take myself off of social media to protect myself. Yay me. Unfortunately what I didn’t think to do was to remove myself from the bloody group chat and surprise surprise….80 odd photos were sent (by my mother and sister) and so the photos made their way to me anyway.  LOL.  Luckily (and perhaps surprisingly) the photos didn’t trigger me.  I looked through them briefly but I genuinely didn’t feel upset or jealous at all. In fact the only thought I had was that I was glad I had made the right decision in not going.  So that could have been much worse.

I said to T last night that the good thing is, I’ve noticed a lot over recent months that I tend to do all the feelings (be that anxiety, stress, worry, anger, sadness) BEFORE the event and then by the time the actual event arrives, I’ve kind of got over it.  T said that is why it is so helpful to talk and process things which I absolutely agree with.

Having said all of this, I do admit that I am still finding myself thinking a fair bit about my mother lately and trying to work out what she’s thinking.  I am aware that I am spending quite a lot of time having thoughts and feelings over the fact she isn’t/hasn’t contacted me for a long time and that we’ve not seen each other for two entire months now.  I think I’ve written this on my blog before, but I just keep thinking that whilst I don’t WANT her to contact me, nor do I particularly WANT to see her; the fact that she doesn’t and hasn’t contacted me is weird.  It just is.

I’ve spoken to T about this a bit lately and T thinks that my mother has finally realised that I’m no longer going to give her what she needs and that now I don’t give her any narcissistic supply, I am not needed so why would she contact me? I find myself thinking that knowing my mother, she is probably saying/thinking “she can contact me first for once”.  I can imagine that well.  She will certainly be feeling like the victim and I suppose the fact that I declined the invitation to the family bbq won’t have gone down well.  Or maybe she was relieved.  I just don’t know.

It is a weird way to feel because I do acknowledge that I don’t actually contact her first and so perhaps she is right to think that way (if she in fact does).. and I think that perhaps I should contact her first but I don’t.  Why don’t I?  The harsh reality is that I don’t because I just don’t really see any point and, if I am honest, I don’t because I feel wronged and hurt by her and the way she treats me with such disinterest and shows so much disapproval to me and my life choices that I just don’t feel that I want to contact her and ask her how she is.  Does that make sense?

The relationship between us is dead really. We are mother and daughter by blood/title only now.  We have lost everything else and that is truly very, very sad but I just feel she has done this.  I keep thinking to myself I haven’t actually done anything wrong.  All I am guilty of is being happy.  Is separating from her – of growing up and finding out who I am and what I want.  I honestly believe that she feels I picked my husband over her and that is how she sees the whole thing.  I could be wrong. Who knows?

Anyway, that is a brief insight to my inner dialogue the last few weeks.  I don’t know why I am spending so much time obsessing over what she is thinking because I haven’t done this for a long time.  I think sometimes when a large amount of time has passed without contact from her, a kind of panic sets in.. what will happen next? what is she doing, what is she thinking? Perhaps that is something that I’ve always done, or perhaps it is the fear that she really will completely and utterly “leave” and so I start to try and work it out.  The fact is that it really doesn’t matter what she is thinking or why does it? Regardless my mother cannot be the mother I want her to be and the fact I’ve not seen her for 2 months shouldn’t be too much of a surprise to me.

Perhaps it just makes it more blatant?

That aside, I had a good session with T last night. I’m not sure what exactly happened but I just felt really warmly attached to her last night.  We spoke easily and in a relaxed way.  At one point we were talking and she smiled at me a certain way and maybe it was just in my head or what I wanted to see, but I felt she really cared for me.  It wasn’t a heavy session – there were no tears or anything like that but I just felt warmth from being with her.

I told her I was listening to an audiobook called “Maybe you should talk to someone” and explained that it was about a therapist and her patients etc but also about her own therapy.  T suggested that I used it as a way to feel closer to her and I said that yes, it probably did in a way and that I often read therapy related books.  She nodded.  Somehow this conversation led to me telling her that I thought she was a vegan and that I had just realised she wouldn’t eat chicken because she keeps chickens and that I had panicked because I have said so many times over the years that I had cooked a roast chicken dinner or something and that she probably hated me!  She told me she wasn’t vegan but that she was a pescatarian.  It was nice having that information – I don’t know why, it just gives me more of a picture of who she is other than just a therapist, my therapist.  I’ve thought about it quite a bit since and it’s made me want to give up eating meat too LOL how silly is that?

I have thought about her a lot since my session last night.  I feel the attachment feelings for her today and I am glad I get to see her again tomorrow but tomorrow is always harder because then I have to get through all the way until Tuesday night.  Just writing that sentence makes me realise how much I need her and how any thoughts I had a while ago about giving up the second session was stupid.  I also notice that when I am not with her I feel all this love for her and this attachment and need and yet when I am in the room with her, she feels a bit different.. I have no idea why that is.

Maybe it’s just the young part of me feeling the needy attachment stuff.

Social Media Detox

I’m thinking of taking a social media detox. Well, almost. I’m thinking of having a social media apart from WP detox.

I want to keep WP and I don’t really view this as social media despite the fact I am putting stuff “out there” and despite the fact that I do obviously interact with people here BUT it feels different to the other places like Twitter and Instagram.

I’ll be honest, my reason for doing this is mostly because of the stuff with my mum and sister. Them ignoring my posts has got to me and I’ve decided that until I’m able to block them, coming away from it might be the best thing for me. If I’m not posting anything then there’s nothing for them to ignore – therefore, in theory, I’ll be less upset.

I also can’t help but feel that lots of people (again mostly them), get to see all the best parts of my life – photos of me with my hubby, photos with the children, photos celebrating birthdays or other occasions and holidays etc – and why should people who don’t actually make any effort to engage with you (or them) have that privilege?

There is also the small fact that the sodding bbq takes place on Sunday and I don’t want to see all the photos of the entire family posing for photos that will trigger me. They will, I know they will and yet I still have a part of me that wants to see them, but I feel I should try to protect myself and stop ✋

I also believe that a lot of us have become too addicted to social media and I’m one of them. I spend a lot of time on Instagram and Twitter and maybe it will do me good to focus on my actual life for once.

I’ll also admit that as ridiculous as it is, I’m a bit anxious about this. I’ve recently got into the habit of tweeting quite regularly (nothing of any interest admittedly) and it will be weird not having that. It will also be weird not being able to spy on people (my mum and my sister) to try and see what’s going on in their lives now. I’m aware that makes me quite a hypocrite.

So I think I might do it. I’m not sure when – before Sunday though for sure. I’m not even sure how long for. Time will tell.

Maybe I’ll actually have more texts or calls with friends if I can’t constantly see their posts?!

Wish me luck, koz I’ll need it!!

Last night’s session

When T asked me how I had been at the start of my session last night I told her that I had felt shit on Sunday. She asked me why and I told her that it sounded silly and hypercritical but that despite not actually wanting to hear from my mum (and sister I suppose), that not hearing from her was a bit crap.

I told T it had been about 3 weeks and that I hadn’t seen her for 2 months and that it was making me uneasy that she hadn’t sent any messages at all – as she usually would. I also said that I found it all really strange that she hasn’t contacted me about this bloody bbq on Sunday and said that my fantasy was that she was purposely avoiding me until after then IN CASE I did go.

I said I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want me to go? T said perhaps it’s simply that she knows you won’t be a good source of supply, falling all over her and telling everyone how great she is, and so I’m just not really thought about. There’s also the added issue that I hate her husband and wouldn’t be playing happy families so she would probably want to avoid that embarrassment.

I chatted on for quite a while and then T stopped me and said she wanted to point out how many negative things I had said or called myself. She listed a few “silly, pathetic, immature, selfish”…

I don’t know why, but with that my eyes filled up with tears. She said that’s what THEY do to you, don’t do it to yourself.

I told her that on Sunday I cried whenever I was alone and that I just felt…. before I said anything else T said “it feels.. lonely”. I nodded and the tears fell again and said “lonely is the exact world I used in my blog on Sunday”.

I was so glad she understood the feeling because it was hard to explain. I told her I felt self… I went to say selfish… that I had my husband and the kids around me but I could cry from feeling lonely because of my mum and, well, my whole family of origin. She seemed to get it and told me that I was not being selfish at all and asked me why I thought that? She kept reassuring me that it was totally normal to feel how I did because all I wanted was a kind, caring and loving mother and that I was desperate for that and always had been.

I told T that on Sunday there would be loads of photos being plastered on social media of all the family at the bbq and she asked how I was going to protect myself from them. I said I wasn’t sure and that my husband told me not to look at social media all weekend but that I found that hard because I wanted to see .. despite it hurting me. T nodded at me like she understood. I said I knew that was silly.

T said I should block them both and I said a huge part of me wanted to, but it would cause drama and I didn’t want any. She asked if they would definitely know and I said yes they would. I also made the point that even if I blocked my mother and my sister, I still have cousins and aunts and uncles on there so where does it stop?

I said to T that I knew it was stupid but… (oops…) their social media silence was really getting to me. I said I felt embarrassed that it hurt me so much, but that it just did and that I hated it. I felt tears forming in my throat again. T said it was purposeful silence and I said yes, it absolutely is. I said I had written here a lot about it and that I felt immature bleeting on about social media but it was triggering for me of the way they both ignored my real life happiness or struggles – whatever it was.

I said their tactic of hurting me by ignoring things that are important to me was working. I reminded T that my sister did that when I got engaged and my mother ignored all of my wedding photos. I told T I had recently posted photos of one of my stepson’s birthday, the other celebrating the end of his SATs exams and also photos of our little Eurovision party etc. I told T that it didn’t bother the kids, in fact I doubt they even noticed! But it bothered me and they just know it.

T said their envy must be horrendous. I smiled at her sadly feeling her protectiveness.

T said I should only post things I would post if they we or we’re not following me and I said that I did anyway, but knowing they could see things but were choosing to ignore them, was harder.

I think I’m going to have to block them for my own peace of mind but how on earth am I going to explain that when they contact me to ask? I know I could delete my entire accounts but I just don’t see why I should have to, I enjoy Instagram and Twitter. I came off Facebook last year because my mum managed to hurt me via that so should I have to get rid of these things too?

I spoke to T about the dream I had Friday night. The one where my mother and her friend ran into the bedroom where I was having sex with my husband and how she was laughing really loudly at us and pointing and being horrible. T said that sounded like something she would do in real life and I agreed and said that was one of the reasons it bothered me so much, it was so realistic and it stayed with me all weekend!

T suggested it came as a bit of a reminder of what she was like and capable of and I agreed and said the dream was a week before this bbq so maybe. I said it was horrible though and “remembering” how nasty she could be and “seeing” her face all drunk and happy from hurting and humiliating me, was horrible.

I also told her that in my dream I was purposely missing my session but as the time passed, I felt horribly panicked and scared and ran all the way to her with only 20 minutes left.

T asked me what I made of that part of the dream and I said I wasn’t sure.she suggested it was showing me that I really did need to be there and also spoke about the difference between how nasty my mother had been and then how much I wanted and needed to be there with her – where I would have kindness. I agreed and said that was really apparent in the dream.

I later spoke to her about the dream I had when she was away on her Easter break, the one where I was in her house but she has the same wallpaper, curtains and pictures as my mother did and I didn’t want to tell her in case she was offended by thinking I was saying she was like my mum. We spoke about that for a while and I also told her of the “abandoned” garage which was slightly out of view.

Somehow T mentioned the dropping of the second session and it caught me a bit off guard because in all honestly, I had forgotten about that. I had hoped she wouldn’t bring it up to be honest, but she did. She told me that the grief was still coming in waves and that she wanted me to just be able to enjoy the periods of peace and calm rather than immediately deciding to stop the second session. I laughed. She said That in her fantasy, I would continue with my second session even once the grief and pain stopped coming up in the way it was, and that I would use the second session just to feel held and seen and connected and at peace. She said “you really deserve that”. It made me cry again. I’m not sure which part.

I told her that I hadn’t even thought about it anyway since we had last discussed it. She said I deserved to give myself the time to just go there and enjoy it. I knew what she meant but it made me feel a bit awkward inside… I said it made me feel a bit self obsessed. She disagreed – a lot (obviously).

I drove home listening to my audiobook and fell asleep immediately after eating dinner. I feel okay today, not too sad or anything but that’s mainly because I know I’m back there tomorrow and that’s always helpful. It seems to be Fridays that I feel crap because then I have to wait until Tuesday evening again.

I feel a little weird though… kind of sentimental perhaps? It feels that T really gets it and that she really cares and that feels both lovely and strangely painful at the same time.

Mind reading

After nearly 3 weeks of no contact from my sister, I received a text last night. I was genuinely nervous to open it because I felt exhausted yesterday and have felt quite sad the last few days. Luckily it literally said “r u coming Sunday?”. Sunday being that family BBQ I’ve written about recently.

I typed my response “No, can’t make it x ” and she said “ok”.

That was it.

I checked her WhatsApp status for a while afterwards to see if she was online: but she wasn’t. I also checked my mum’s status but she wasn’t online either. I had thought perhaps they were texting each other but perhaps my sister was with my mother. Whatever.

It seems/feels weird to me that my mother hasn’t actually asked me if I’m going to the bbq. She’s not mentioned it since she first told me about it and that was at Easter. She’s never mentioned it since. I actually wonder if she would rather I didn’t go anyway.

I guess none of this even matters really. I should be glad that I’ve not received any abusive messages from my sister (which was more than possible).

I don’t know what my sister’s issue is. Her messages were extremely short and sharp.

Oh well. I guess there’s no point in me trying to read minds.

Lonely & rejected ☹️

I’ve written in my paper diary today so maybe I’ll type that up later on for background, but I wanted to write something here quickly.

I had a dream about my mother and about T on Friday night. I think it’s triggered me a bit. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence and the feelings were coming today anyway.

I’ve had the kids here all weekend (they’ve literally been gone 2 minutes) and I feel totally stressed today (more on that in my diary post to follow).

Does anyone else dream of their family members and have their entire mood changed because of it?

I find myself sitting here right now thinking that I don’t want to hear from my mum, I really, really don’t; BUT… (always a but), I feel a bit rejected and shit that I don’t.

I know that sounds contradictory, it is I suppose, it’s just it’s been nearly two weeks since my mum sent me a text and that was when she told me about someone dying. That was only a couple of messages and factual – no how are you’s etc.

I don’t WANT her to text me – I don’t want her to ask when we can next meet (honestly), but the fact this is my reality still feels so hurtful today. I don’t know why.

It’s been 7 weeks since I saw her. That’s nearly 2 months. That’s not unusual for us anymore, but it’s still somehow hard to believe. I can’t believe that we are in this place.

Despite how stressed I’ve felt today, the weekend was good and I went to a lot of effort to do our annual Eurovision party for the kids and my in-laws. I spent a lot of time cooking and cleaning and preparing.

As always all social media posts were ignored by my mother and sister (of course) but also I posted about my stepson finishing his SATs exams and that was ignored too. I shouldn’t be surprised, my other stepson’s birthday was blanked last weekend but it makes me so angry!! I know it doesn’t bother (or even register with) my stepkids, but it hurts me. It just does.

I can’t believe I’m still typing about cocking social media. Honestly I feel like such a child. I can’t help it, it hurts.

Next weekend is that big “family bbq” that I’m not going too. I’m still glad I’m not going, but I suppose it’s another nail in the coffin if you like – one that needs to be there, but it’s still tough in a lot of ways.

I’m feeling “estranged” from my family more and more as time goes on and tonight the estrangement and emotional distance is painful.

The only positive thing here is that previously when this feeling came, I wanted to get rid of it and it seemed that contact was the answer. Now contact does not feel like the answer at all, I know I just need to ride it out.

It makes me want T though, my pretend mum but it’s Sunday night and I would feel too guilty to contact her. I keep telling myself I’m able to hold this myself but it doesn’t feel enough right now. I need some support or understanding or something…. maybe I just need her to “know” I’m struggling, but I shouldn’t. It’s the weekend, I shouldn’t. That just adds to the hurt.

I guess the feeling is “lonely”. I feel selfish feeling lonely when I have my husband and the kids and my in-laws, but I do. My heart hurts a little today and I feel rejected and forgotten.

☹️

Angry Crying

I have just cried for the third time today.  The third time and it  isn’t even 6pm!

I went to work and it was horrendously stressful.  I was sooo angry and so stressed, to the point that when I left at lunch time to head home for my therapy session, I actually Googled “how to de-stress”.  Who does that?

When I got home from work I unlocked the door and burst into tears.  I wasn’t hugely surprised because I had so much energy inside me that crying was probably inevitable, whether it was anger or sadness or whatever.  It didn’t help that I looked over to the place my hamster’s cage was kept until last night and obviously the space was empty.  That just made me cry more.

Then I fixed my face and drove to therapy.  I thought about the reasons for all this emotion on the way there.  What was the underlying cause? I couldn’t think of anything.  I didn’t have a particular thing I could “blame” for these feelings.  No drama with my mother – in fact I noted that it had been a week today since she last text me about that distant relative passing away.  I had no drama from my sister for nearly a week now and that although clearly that situation is not nice, nothing had happened and I didn’t have any conscious thoughts about it.

I thought about our house move but all seems to be progressing well at the moment so I couldn’t associate it to that.  I was stumped.  So I pressed play on my audiobook and tuned out of my thoughts and back onto the book being read out to me.

I didn’t have much to talk to T about really.  Nothing of any real importance or relevance. I did tell her that work had been ridiculously stressful this morning and I told her I felt overly stressed and irritated but wasn’t sure why.  I didn’t tell her I had cried when I got home.  I’m not really sure why, but I think it was mainly because I couldn’t think of the “why” and so it seemed pointless. I had already tried to investigate my feelings and came up with nothing so what was the point?

We spoke about the new abortion law that has been passed in two US states today and I told her my feelings on that. I told her that I had found myself arguing with some absolute idiot on Twitter who referred to women as “you all” and told me that women could take the morning after pill so did not need abortions.  The conversation was actually about rape victims and I felt SO angry.  In fact I felt so angry that I ended up blocking the guy (who’s profile had a photo of Donald Trump) before I said anything I really regretted. I kept telling myself that I was to old and too mature to be arguing with some stupid bloke on the internet.

When I came home from therapy I decided to cook something for tonight.  I couldn’t really be bothered but I forced myself.  I found myself crying again as I went upstairs to change my clothes.  The tears feeling a mixture of upset and anger.

I played my audiobook for the hour that I cooked and then when I had finished, I sat down with a cup of tea and the tears fell again.  That is when I reached for my laptop and so brings us to this moment right now.

I also just realised that the dish I have cooked should have had onions and garlic in, but I had forgotten them.  AGGHHH.

I really hate feeling like this and not knowing why.  It makes me really uncomfortable.  I’m sure why to be honest.  I’m also angry that I can go to work and go to therapy and act okay and then cry the second I am alone with my thoughts/feelings.  I’m angry that I am purposely drowning out any feelings by playing my audiobook or cooking to distract myself.  I am angry I wasted an hour with T where I could have been more honest, both with her but mainly with myself.

I feel so irritated that I don’t know why I am crying (again) that it makes me cry even more! How ridiculous is that? I know that T would tell me that the exact reason isn’t important and that I should just honour the feeling and be gentle with myself and I know all of the things I would say to someone else who wrote something like this.. but none of that feels any good.  There is anger around for sure, I can sense it.  Sometimes my crying and my sadness feel hopeless, but today’s tears and sadness feel angry too.  Like I want to lose my shit and kick stuff and throw things.  I am so rarely like this that it is scary.

What is unconsciously bothering me so much? What is causing these random fits of sobs? Why is there an undercurrent of simmering rage?

Oh and lastly, where the fuck has the spell-checker gone from WP??

Goodbye little friend

I’ve just had to bury my little hamster. I’m so upset. I knew his time was coming but wasn’t actually prepared to find him and have to bury him yet.

I feel so silly – especially at my age but he was my pet just like any other. He had such a little personality and I loved coming home and talking to him every night and watching him play in his cage or in his ball. Only last night I gave him some biscuit!

I wanted to write this somewhere to honour him I suppose, but I can’t deal with the abuse I would probably receive from my sister and other people who don’t understand if I put it on social media. So I’m trusting this place and you guys who I know have enough empathy not to take the piss.

I’ll miss my little friend so much.

💔