When T asked me how I had been at the start of my session last night I told her that I had felt shit on Sunday. She asked me why and I told her that it sounded silly and hypercritical but that despite not actually wanting to hear from my mum (and sister I suppose), that not hearing from her was a bit crap.
I told T it had been about 3 weeks and that I hadn’t seen her for 2 months and that it was making me uneasy that she hadn’t sent any messages at all – as she usually would. I also said that I found it all really strange that she hasn’t contacted me about this bloody bbq on Sunday and said that my fantasy was that she was purposely avoiding me until after then IN CASE I did go.
I said I couldn’t understand why she didn’t want me to go? T said perhaps it’s simply that she knows you won’t be a good source of supply, falling all over her and telling everyone how great she is, and so I’m just not really thought about. There’s also the added issue that I hate her husband and wouldn’t be playing happy families so she would probably want to avoid that embarrassment.
I chatted on for quite a while and then T stopped me and said she wanted to point out how many negative things I had said or called myself. She listed a few “silly, pathetic, immature, selfish”…
I don’t know why, but with that my eyes filled up with tears. She said that’s what THEY do to you, don’t do it to yourself.
I told her that on Sunday I cried whenever I was alone and that I just felt…. before I said anything else T said “it feels.. lonely”. I nodded and the tears fell again and said “lonely is the exact world I used in my blog on Sunday”.
I was so glad she understood the feeling because it was hard to explain. I told her I felt self… I went to say selfish… that I had my husband and the kids around me but I could cry from feeling lonely because of my mum and, well, my whole family of origin. She seemed to get it and told me that I was not being selfish at all and asked me why I thought that? She kept reassuring me that it was totally normal to feel how I did because all I wanted was a kind, caring and loving mother and that I was desperate for that and always had been.
I told T that on Sunday there would be loads of photos being plastered on social media of all the family at the bbq and she asked how I was going to protect myself from them. I said I wasn’t sure and that my husband told me not to look at social media all weekend but that I found that hard because I wanted to see .. despite it hurting me. T nodded at me like she understood. I said I knew that was silly.
T said I should block them both and I said a huge part of me wanted to, but it would cause drama and I didn’t want any. She asked if they would definitely know and I said yes they would. I also made the point that even if I blocked my mother and my sister, I still have cousins and aunts and uncles on there so where does it stop?
I said to T that I knew it was stupid but… (oops…) their social media silence was really getting to me. I said I felt embarrassed that it hurt me so much, but that it just did and that I hated it. I felt tears forming in my throat again. T said it was purposeful silence and I said yes, it absolutely is. I said I had written here a lot about it and that I felt immature bleeting on about social media but it was triggering for me of the way they both ignored my real life happiness or struggles – whatever it was.
I said their tactic of hurting me by ignoring things that are important to me was working. I reminded T that my sister did that when I got engaged and my mother ignored all of my wedding photos. I told T I had recently posted photos of one of my stepson’s birthday, the other celebrating the end of his SATs exams and also photos of our little Eurovision party etc. I told T that it didn’t bother the kids, in fact I doubt they even noticed! But it bothered me and they just know it.
T said their envy must be horrendous. I smiled at her sadly feeling her protectiveness.
T said I should only post things I would post if they we or we’re not following me and I said that I did anyway, but knowing they could see things but were choosing to ignore them, was harder.
I think I’m going to have to block them for my own peace of mind but how on earth am I going to explain that when they contact me to ask? I know I could delete my entire accounts but I just don’t see why I should have to, I enjoy Instagram and Twitter. I came off Facebook last year because my mum managed to hurt me via that so should I have to get rid of these things too?
I spoke to T about the dream I had Friday night. The one where my mother and her friend ran into the bedroom where I was having sex with my husband and how she was laughing really loudly at us and pointing and being horrible. T said that sounded like something she would do in real life and I agreed and said that was one of the reasons it bothered me so much, it was so realistic and it stayed with me all weekend!
T suggested it came as a bit of a reminder of what she was like and capable of and I agreed and said the dream was a week before this bbq so maybe. I said it was horrible though and “remembering” how nasty she could be and “seeing” her face all drunk and happy from hurting and humiliating me, was horrible.
I also told her that in my dream I was purposely missing my session but as the time passed, I felt horribly panicked and scared and ran all the way to her with only 20 minutes left.
T asked me what I made of that part of the dream and I said I wasn’t sure.she suggested it was showing me that I really did need to be there and also spoke about the difference between how nasty my mother had been and then how much I wanted and needed to be there with her – where I would have kindness. I agreed and said that was really apparent in the dream.
I later spoke to her about the dream I had when she was away on her Easter break, the one where I was in her house but she has the same wallpaper, curtains and pictures as my mother did and I didn’t want to tell her in case she was offended by thinking I was saying she was like my mum. We spoke about that for a while and I also told her of the “abandoned” garage which was slightly out of view.
Somehow T mentioned the dropping of the second session and it caught me a bit off guard because in all honestly, I had forgotten about that. I had hoped she wouldn’t bring it up to be honest, but she did. She told me that the grief was still coming in waves and that she wanted me to just be able to enjoy the periods of peace and calm rather than immediately deciding to stop the second session. I laughed. She said That in her fantasy, I would continue with my second session even once the grief and pain stopped coming up in the way it was, and that I would use the second session just to feel held and seen and connected and at peace. She said “you really deserve that”. It made me cry again. I’m not sure which part.
I told her that I hadn’t even thought about it anyway since we had last discussed it. She said I deserved to give myself the time to just go there and enjoy it. I knew what she meant but it made me feel a bit awkward inside… I said it made me feel a bit self obsessed. She disagreed – a lot (obviously).
I drove home listening to my audiobook and fell asleep immediately after eating dinner. I feel okay today, not too sad or anything but that’s mainly because I know I’m back there tomorrow and that’s always helpful. It seems to be Fridays that I feel crap because then I have to wait until Tuesday evening again.
I feel a little weird though… kind of sentimental perhaps? It feels that T really gets it and that she really cares and that feels both lovely and strangely painful at the same time.