I’ve just got back from holiday with my fiancé and the children. We took them away to a caravan park on the east coast of England for 4 days. It was great fun and we made loads of memories and had a lot of laughs. I genuinely enjoyed myself despite the constant noise and “can I” or “where is” questions. I enjoyed the kids enjoying themselves.
But then the weirdest thing happened…
We dropped the kids off at their mother’s house and soon after I started to feel a bit moody. I thought I was just tired as I had not had much sleep over the holiday (caravan parks are soooo loud at night!), we had been travelling for hours and the car was like a greenhouse and my head and face were sunburnt. Anyway, we had to chuck our bags in and then go to my dad’s house for a bbq which I was looking forward to in some ways but also wishing I could have just slumped at home.
I went upstairs to have a shower and the hot water wouldn’t come on. I decided to just wash and change but then couldn’t find anything to wear. I literally had clothes thrown all over the hallway floor. My entire wardrobe was out. I tried countless outfits and just felt fat and horrible in them all. I broke down in tears at least twice and I felt soooo angry. I kept thinking to myself “why is this so bloody hard? Just put some fucking shorts on!!” I also questioned why I didn’t have this issue on holiday and now was struggling so much. God I hate the summer sometimes-much easier to hide under some jeans and a jumper!!
I felt thoroughly miserable by this point. I didn’t want to go. My fiancé was in the garden and didn’t have a clue I was having some weird diva strop. Eventually we left and my fiancé asked me what was wrong, I told him I didn’t know. On the way to my Dad’s, my mother text (it’s like she has a bloody radar for when to annoy me the most!). When she messages me it annoys me – it makes me angry. I often internally sigh and roll my eyes, her messages just simply piss me off but I was already so angry that just seeing her name come up was enough.
Since I broke no contact with my mother, she’s deciding to completely and utterly ignore my fiancé’s and stepkids’ existence. She doesn’t ask after them, doesn’t wish them a happy birthday via me, she doesn’t even “like” my Facebook statuses or photos if he or they are in them. It’s so strange. And I’ll admit, it really fucking hurts me.
My fiancé and the kids are a huge part of my life, the biggest – in fact they are my life really. There’s nobody I would rather spend my time with – so to have your mother completely ignore their existence is so hard. But… as I’m dealing with a narcissist and as I’ve read all about being “grey rock” I bite my tongue and I do not let her know how much it hurts and angers me that she does this.
I text her back and said we had all been on holiday and had a great time (which she would know from Facebook and Instagram anyway!) and she ignored that and said how hot the weekend had been. I said I was at my dad’s now for a bbq (that would have pissed her off) and she said have a nice time and bye.
I woke up yesterday feeling stroppy as hell. I was moody, tired and feeling shit. It was T day and I didn’t want to go – that is unheard of, I always want to go.
I dragged myself to work and my mood didn’t shift all day. I was tired and grouchy and feeling crap all day. By the time I left work and got on the train home, I didn’t want to go to therapy at all. So much so that I told my fiancé and cried as I typed my message saying I was feeling sad and I didn’t know why. Tears begun to fall down my face (on the train!!) but I still didn’t know why. He encouraged me to go to therapy and I text t to tell her I was struggling. She told me to come and that all my feelings were welcome there, even the scarier ones.
I did make it to my session and I told T everything I wrote above. T suggested that perhaps as much as I enjoyed taking the kids on holiday and making memories with them, that perhaps the child part of me felt sad at what she had missed out on. I said I guess so. She said that I was very adult for the holiday and in a different part of myself as I was being the adult and looking after them, but that once they had gone and I had got hone, my child part was brought back down with a bang. That made sense.
We spoke a while and I could feel such a need to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. T actually asked me why I wouldn’t let myself cry and I said I wanted to…
She then said something about how it just hurt me that my childhood is done. Over. Gone. That I can’t ever get it back… (totally goading me!!) and I gulped and said yes and cried. I said I felt so childish but yes. It wasn’t fair. She said it absolutely wasn’t fair but that I’m allowed to grieve that loss.
I told her I’ve grieved it loads already and I can’t just feel like that forever but she told me I can’t grieve it all in one go and it has to be done in stages.
She said how as much as I do get from seeing her, it isn’t enough. I thought to myself please god don’t say what I’m afraid you’re going to say (the whole I can’t be your mother thing that’s killed so many of us).. thankfully, she didn’t.
We spoke about how she won’t be at my wedding and she asked if I was angry with her for that. I told her I wasn’t angry but that it was shit. I admitted I’d had a dream several days ago that I’d got married and she was the registrar! I told her it’s hard to be so close to someone and not have them there on such a special day. She said she was protecting my therapy by not coming.
I wish I understood that better.
I guess this explains some of my sadness and some of the anger and I then said to t
I just don’t like her – at all! There is nothing left. It’s so empty.
T nodded sadly and said she knew.
The illusion has gone…
and she said “exactly that. The illusion has gone now. You needed that illusion to stay together – but now it’s gone and that’s what needed to happen but it’s so very painful”.
And that’s exactly what’s happened. The word I plucked out of thin air was spot on. It has been an illusion my entire life. I had this idea of who she was and who she may become and all various other fantasy’s which were all just that – a fantasy.
And now that’s fallen away all I am left with is the blatant lack of attunement, the coldness and the inability to see who I am. To want to be with me. To love me how I should be loved by my mother.
All that is left is this 50 year old woman who is so bitter and angry that I am happy in my life without her controlling me. How sick is that?
I’ve fallen out of love with her. Who knew you could fall out of love with your own mother? But I have. I don’t love what’s left. I don’t LIKE what’s left.
She doesn’t like me.
She doesn’t love me.
She can’t see me.
She’s jealous of my happiness and stability.
I bore her.
She angers me.
How can mother and daughter be so completely different?