Okay so this is a bit of a taboo blog. I appreciate that I may be feeling some things right now which aren’t very adult or mature and that has been putting me off writing about them, but I need the release and so I would really appreciate it if readers didn’t leave any comments to tell me to to grow up because I already know I need to! ha!
For background my fiance has 3 children. We have been together 3 and a half years and I get on pretty well with the kids. I get on with the two boys very well – its very easy with them but things with me and his daughter its been a bit trickier. On the whole we get on well – sometimes very well in fact but if there has been any hard times, its been with me and her. She is nearly 12.
Fast-forward to now and our engagement and I am really struggling.
Last weekend she turned up with a face like thunder and was refusing to look at me or was staring at me blanked faced when she did (this happens randomly). I HATE it when this happens and it makes me feel very awkward in my own house. Within ten minutes she asked my fiance for “a private chat” and they went upstairs for about an hour.
When they came down, it was clear she had been crying and they spent the rest of the evening cuddling on the sofa, I was in the dark about what had been said (and still getting the frosty treatment from her) so I wasn’t feeling particularly great. Eventually when the kids were all in bed he told me what she had said which was basically that on the wedding day, she wants to be with him and she doesn’t want to have to leave his side. She wants to be our bridesmaid but doesn’t want to be with me and my other bridesmaids in the morning (she wants to be with him and his best man and ushers) and that she was worried we would break up and he would be sad again like he was when he broke up with her mother.
So those are the facts.
This is where I am struggling – despite knowing I am being childish and unreasonable, this is bringing up some huge jealousy issues for me and I don’t know how to deal with it. Her wanting to be with him on our day is making me angry. She is bad enough on a normal weekend – god forbid she doesn’t get to sit next to him at the dinner table or something. I feel so stupid but I have so much anger and jealousy at the fact that she seems to pull his strings and then he bends over backwards to keep her happy (I know, she is a child). It is irrational.
So why can’t I handle this? Why do I feel so angry with her? Why isn’t the knowledge that she is clearly struggling herself with our engagement enough to help me have sympathy and compassion for her? Why am I feeling quite so angry and resentful and childish over a little girl?
She is jealous of me taking her daddy away and I am jealous of her taking my fiance away!! It’s horrible.
I think there is some of my own “dad stuff” in this. I think there is a lot to it for me and I really want to hash it out with T tomorrow if I can. I shouldn’t feel threatened by a child and her father – I do not want to be like that. Is it as simple as me seeing him give her what I was never given is so painful for me that I am getting angry instead of sad????
I also don’t want to be like my mother who pushes her child aside for a man and I don’t want to be cold-hearted towards a little girl who is clearly worried. I really, really don’t want to feel like this – but I do.
I am struggling that she spent the weekend laying all over him – sitting next to him constantly, laying her legs over him, holding his hand – generally keeping him away from me and marking her territory. I’ve even tried to reassure her by being nice to her despite how I am feeling and I’ve told my fiance things to say to her such as that nothing will change when we are married and that she has nothing to worry about….
My fiance said that he thinks we are both jealous of each-other but naturally he has more understanding and compassion for a child than a fully grown adult.
I just want one day.. one day where it is just about me and him and not the kids – not her. I just want one day where I can kiss him and dance with him and hold his hand and smile in photos but the reality isn’t like that. Even the seating plans have been dictated by the fact that she has to be sat next to him at the top table “because he would like that” (read: he better or she will strop)… I even picture her pulling at my dress when we try to have our first dance (I know, dramatic much). When we went on holiday last year in a caravan she suggested that “me and daddy sleep in the double bed and you on the sofa”…
Is it because I didn’t have this relationship with my Dad? Is it that I am scared she will take him away because surely I am old enough to know better?
Oh and to make matters worse, we are heading to another caravan holiday Friday for 4 days. Right now I am absolutely dreading it. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.