Protected: Thinking out loud

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Feelings & Fertility Shit

On my way to therapy this afternoon I was driving and thinking to myself how I don’t feel I have anything to really talk to T about at the moment/lately and particularly today. It was weird but in the same instance, I was hit by a wave of emotion that felt like anger and sadness at the same time. I felt a lump in my throat and like I could angry cry all at the same time but I didn’t have any idea why.

As I carried on driving I thought about how I had thought I’d seen my mother on the way home from therapy Tuesday evening and the way it made me feel. I felt something… I wasn’t sure what it was…

I went into the room and when T asked me how I was I told her truthfully that until about ten minutes ago I was feeling fine…. but that now I was feeling miserable and annoyed and ratty and that I had no idea why that was.

T asked me what had happened when I felt my mood change and so I told her the above thoughts and feelings and she said that it could be a delayed feeling response to the stuff we spoke about on Tuesday evening. I mmmm’d to agree but wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure about much to be honest. T said she had been sitting thinking that we’ve been talking about a lot of really big things recently and that she wondered where the feelings were? We both kind of laughed and I pointed to my face as I started to have a few sad, slow tears.

After talking for a while I told T about how when I left the other evening, I drove past a woman who either was, or looked just like, my mother. I said it had thrown me into panic and shock and confusion and it totally threw me. It was so close to T’s house for one, but also… I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know whether to stop or not (I didn’t) and then it felt weird purposely driving past my mother knowing it was (night have been) her. I thought about texting or calling to see if it was her… but didn’t because we don’t do that.. and I didn’t want to open communication up with her. I thought how she would possibly ask where I had been and I would have to say therapy and where would that lead? Or maybe she would know and it would cause a row….. or even, maybe she knew and was running there in the hope she would run into me. So many things went through my head. It played on my mind all evening afterwards. It felt horrible and strange and just… eugh.

As I explained all of that I said that this has popped into my head as I drove to T today and we said it wasn’t a coincidence it happened as I drove into that town, where both my mother and T now live. I said I find it hard sometimes that my mother has moved so close to T because I constantly think about the fact I drive past her road on the way to T’s and on the way back from T’s… that’s 4 times a week – all without ever stopping to see her.

I said how it’s also weird because I’ve only been to her house once and that was only for twenty minutes last June and I can’t picture her there which is strange to me. I said the whole thing is just shit and stupid and making me angry (and sad).

T said it was mimicking me being young: my mother being near but me not being able to “get” to her. Her not being “there”, you know, really there. I cried a little bit and agreed.

I said how I could phone her or plan to see her more or even go to her house but it wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I want to get to HER and I can’t. I won’t ever be able to. I’ll never get from her what I want because she doesn’t have it to give to me. T commented how very sad it was. I agreed.

I then went to say something to T but only got as far as saying “what I really hate is that… *cries*…. people say *cries more*….. I then cried properly and had to do some deep breathing to be able to say what I wanted which was that people say they can relax with their mothers. That they go to them to be themselves, to rest, to be comforted. To lay on their mother’s sofa and drink t and be “looked after” and that I do not know that feeling. That I can’t even imagine or picture what that feels like. This made me really sad. As I said it I cried more and T looked really sad too. She totally seemed to understand.

I said that I knew it wasn’t true but that I couldn’t help but feel as though everyone else in the world knew that feeling but me. T said she understood that I would feel like that and said how it wasn’t my fault I didn’t know that feeling, that SHE didn’t give it to me so how could I?

I said that at the moment particularly with the fertility tests and everything I just feel I could really do with a mum I could talk to and cuddle and be supported by and I don’t have that and …. T said how painful it all was and I agreed and we both said I also have anger about that because it’s so bloody unfair.

I think as I write this that the need and want for a mum is only going to get harder during the rest of this fertility journey and any possible future pregnancy/eventual motherhood isn’t it?

Me and T spoke about my wedding and how my mother was. We’ve spoke about this so many times but it is another example, one that is so obvious I suppose of her being so completely not… THERE. You know? That loving, supportive, happy mother so proud and pleased for her daughter. Not mine. Mine was a bitter-faced, sour puss all day and left early.

Raaaa. I can feel the anger creeping in as I type this.

T said that it was important I kept on talking about this and her as it helped and I said I feel like that’s all I’ve done – talk and talk about her for years now and it doesn’t seem to go away! I said I feel sometimes I don’t think about her or therapy or any of it whatsoever and other times I am totally distracted and even obsessed by it all. T said it’s been fairly quiet lately – regarding the feelings and it happens like this. T said that in any loss, grief etc it is only normal that you might feel okay for a while and be getting on fine and suddenly something happens that throws you right back in all the feelings again. She said I am getting better and better at handling it all. I’m not sure if that’s true or not today. Another day I would have agreed I’m sure.

It’s shit.

I realise as I write this that I’ve not written much lately and that I saw my mother on Sunday for breakfast. I’ve not written about it and that’s partly because I’ve been busy with social plans and work and therapy and partly I think because I’ve probably been trying not to think about it. Perhaps that’s why it’s caught up with me today? ….

In short, we met for breakfast with my sister and it went as well as can be expected. We sat and ate and then she left and me and my sister went shopping. As always she left quickly, she never stays long. It actually makes me laugh that she’s so keen to plan to see me and never stays long. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been arranged, she always has to rush off somewhere else. This time was to do a food shop.

What I guess hurts now, on reflection, is that she didn’t ask me anything. By that I mean she didn’t ask me “how are you?”. She didn’t ask me “what’s new in your life? What’s happening”. She didn’t ask me how work is or what I’ve been doing recently…. how the kids are…. you know what I mean? Absolutely nothing. Nada. And what’s worse, as I told T, I didn’t even notice until I spoke to T.

When I see her I am trying hard to look and sound happy and confident and strong. I try to be careful what I say. Think of things, good, safe things to talk about.. I am always worrying what she might say and thinking of possible responses etc it’s all so automatic that I don’t even really think about this until a few says later.

I told T that when I was with her on Sunday, I spoke without thinking and said how my wedding dress was back from the dry cleaners and how it was so pretty and she snapped angrily “and what are you going to do with that Twink?? Put it in the loft to get dusty?”. I said at the time I just laughed and said “No actually, I’m going to wear it every Sunday” but that in hindsight; it just felt a bit mean and unnecessary.

T said how all of these things, seeing her and her not asking anything about me at all, the lack of any real substance, driving past her road regularly and never going there, possibly seeing her the other night and not being able to stop or phone and all the other things were bound to bring up a lot of feelings. I guess she is right.

T said that I needed some looking after for the rest of today and she’s right. I came home and got into my pjs, made a cup of tea and I’ve been on the sofa since watching old episodes of Cold Feet. I do feel sad and a bit delicate. I’ve cried twice since and I can feel that I’m trying to distract myself a bit more than I should be.

I’m hoping I’ll feel better tomorrow. Fridays can often be a therapy hangover day and I often worry about the kids coming but they always snap me out of it because I am distracted and busy and that’s not a bad thing for me.

Anyway. I plan to get an early night and probably cry again a few times. Hopefully then this will pass again for a while.

Meanwhile, I had a blood test last week for part of of fertility testing. The blood test was to see if my progesterone levels are where they should be. It hurt and then the bloody result came back as “borderline” and so needs to be redone. I was then meant to have the second set of tests, the ones which test for various things such as liver function, iron, thyroid issues and all sorts of other things – tomorrow but I have to be on my period and guess what? I’m now 4 dats late and all tests are negative (obviously!). I’m meant to have a smear on Monday which I have had to rearrange because unlike the blood test, I obviously cannot be on my period for that. It’s all an absolute load of shite to be honest. And to think this is the very beginning!

I think I’ll go and pour a wine….

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