Dreams

Friday night I dreamt of T. It was a strange dream and it wasn’t until I was out for a run Saturday morning that the dream suddenly came back to me. I actually stopped running suddenly as it flashed in my memory and I opened my phone to write a quick (illegible) note before it went away to the place that forgotten dreams go.

In the dream I was having a session with T but my husband was also in the room, though he was completely relaxed and just reading a newspaper with his legs stretched out. T told me that she used to do another job and said that she was so rich that she had more money than she could have ever spent. I was like 😲 wow!  I then picked up a glass of orange juice which was in front of me and drank it and just as I swallowed the very last mouthful, I realised that it was T’s juice and I was horrified and said to her “OMG I am sooooo sorry, I thought that was mine!” she didn’t seem too bothered and just said “So I see”.  I was mortified that I had done that, it was like I was just on autopilot and wasn’t thinking about what I was doing.

Looking around T had drawing stuff and sewing stuff everywhere. The room was messy and I remember thinking she was arty and had numerous hobbies. She went upstairs for something but didn’t come back for a very long time. Meanwhile I remember thinking how glad I was that T was able to see how I was around my husband in that I didn’t change and that I was completely myself.

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Then, last night I had another dream. This time about my mother. This one felt SO real. In it I had arranged to go shopping with my mother and when I met her she was with my Nan and my sister. She hasn’t said they were coming and I was a little bit annoyed because I felt a bit overpowered by them all (due to the fact they are all close and I’m almost estranged).

I remember walking around a shop feeling a bit nervous and then my mother said “right, you need to snap out of this now! Get your husband and come to my house Monday after work” – what she meant was that I had to start talking to her husband again and my husband also had to come along and make up with them both”.

I felt angry and said that I didn’t want to and that I did not miss going to her house or seeing her husband and said I was happy with the way things are. She was furious and shouted “Ohhh well as long as YOU are happy, that’s all that matters isn’t it?!” – being sarcastic. My nan and sister were standing behind her looking disapprovingly at me.  I snapped “see, this is what I mean. We can’t spend time together without something like this happening. I’m going, bye“. And off I went.

I then had an internal panic about how I would find my way home from where I was to my in-laws where I’m currently living and then I realised I had my car in a car park and was nervous about the drive. I remember thinking I should call my husband but thinking he was at work so I shouldn’t bother him and that I was an adult and should be able to work it out on my own.

In the dream I was shaking with anger and fear but I felt pleased I had been able to say what I needed and walk away.

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I felt fine, happy even, both yesterday and today and so the dreams didn’t seem to impact my mood like they sometimes do. I was grateful for that as I hate the feeling they can leave me with some days.

I assume I am dreaming about T because she is on a two week break and I actually quite like the dream because my husband was there and totally relaxed which I like to think is symbolic of how comfortable he is with me having therapy and also perhaps something to do with the fact that my husband would love to meet T and to be a fly on the wall and equally, I would like T to meet him.

I am not sure what the relevance was of me drinking her orange juice, but the feeling in the dream was that I had been SO relaxed and comfortable that I had done it without thinking and maybe that’s a nice sign of how relaxed I am now feeling with her compared to over the years.  Her telling me how rich she used to be was strange and I was so shocked but I wonder if this could be symbolic of how little I really know about her life.  For example not knowing what she is doing in her break and not really knowing anything about her past.

The dream about my mother on the other hand, well, that one isn’t so surprising or strange although the timing feels a bit odd as I haven’t thought about her consciously so it seemed a surprise in that sense.

The content of the dream however is so close to reality that it doesn’t surprise me whatsoever.  That dream could very easily play out and in actual fact, in recent months I’ve been so nervous about her blatantly asking (telling) me to pack it in and do what she wants – go to her house, see her husband, get my husband to suck up to them etc.  However as I have written recently, I have suddenly made peace with that fear in me and I now really know that I don’t want to do those things and so the panic I used to feel is no longer in me.

Perhaps the dream was my subconscious’ way of playing out the scene.  Trying it out for size.. preparing me for the real deal perhaps? Also the last time I saw her we went into a clothes shop and I felt the same nerves about her.  My psyche is clearly working some things through.

T would say that it demonstrated that I could stand up to her and walk away and survive it and that I would be okay. The world wouldn’t end etc.  But honestly, I don’t feel that worry and panic or fear at the moment anyway.  Still, it was quite helpful to have that dream because perhaps in the future a similar scenario will play out for me and I will have that memory to use for reassurance.

In real life, my mother text me earlier this week asking me how the house was progressing and said again how much she just cannot wait for me to move back closer to her and how she can’t wait to see me so much more.  This really is weird, I’ve said this before but I just do not understand her logic here.  I have lived ten minutes away from her for years now and now that I am temporarily further away its like she’s convinced herself that this is the only reason we don’t see each other more often. Like whhhatttt??? It’s so weird!!!

Last time she did this T said “that fucks with your head” which is true but when I asked T WHY she would think that or say that, T said she wouldn’t be surprised if she was just saying something for the sake of saying something or even saying what she thinks she should say.  It baffles me nevertheless, it isn’t like she would even come to my new house because she never does and never has and she wouldn’t now because of my husband.  Surely she isn’t going to expect an invitation for her and her husband to come and see our new place by way of offering an olive branch? God I hope not because that simply is not going to happen.  Perhaps she really does think that just because we will be living a new, exciting phase in our lives (having purchased our first home) that all the past will magically be wiped away and we will all play happy families again.  Oh dear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shocked?

I know this doesn’t really make sense but I left Tuesday’s therapy session feeling what I can only describe as “in shock”. I had told T about the dream I had Saturday night about being outside one of my childhood homes and the feeling it left me with all day on Sunday (feeling shit). We spoke about the dream and T said she felt there was something that I needed to “revisit” and I told her what the house meant to me, the things that happened there.

Time ran away as it often does in therapy and before I knew it I had spoken in detail about the sexual abuse stuff and the grooming, about how I felt that evening when I went to bed and how petrified I was when he came up the stairs and started sending me disgusting messages from the bathroom opposite my bedroom.

I had spoken in detail about the man that was violent and had started to physically abuse my mother and how I had found her on her bed naked and covered in the glass from the large mirror he had pulled off the wall and smashed onto her. How I had to get him out of our house. Again, how bloody scared I was.

I spoke about the times I ran away and where I went and what it was like when I went home again.

About how I lost my virginity in that house at a young age and how that guy dumped me and told my mother it was her he loved…

Blah blah… there is more but it’s going to end up retriggering me if I carry on. The point is, as the session wound up and I had a couple of minutes left I just sat in silence and found myself in a bit of a daze. I was just staring at the floor and was aware that T had two clocks which were ticking out of sync and suddenly seemed SO loud.

I usually hate the “awkward” silences but I didn’t have anything to say. I was feeling weird. After a pause T said “it seems like its washed over you” and I said “erm yeah I guess I’m just processing it all” and she agreed. Anyway, I left and in the car home I felt weird.

When I got home I still felt weird. I keep writing weird because I genuinely don’t know how to explain that feeling.

I sat on my bed for a minute and stared into space again. I felt the weight of the things I had just spoken about. I felt like my adrenaline was pumping through me and I felt anxious and kinda on my guard or something. I felt like I wanted to cry, but nothing was happening…

I felt so uncomfortable that I decided to distract myself and went and put the tele on and started to cook my dinner. Every now and again I would “remember” and feel that same feeling.

It was like… I was scared or anxious or shocked.

I had fleeting thoughts that lasted half a second where I thought “shit, that’s big” or “why the fuck do I feel sorry for her when she let all that happen to me?”. Then I would banish it all again.

When I went to get into bed I caught a glimpse of a photo on my bedside cabinet of my 3 stepchildren which was taken about 5 years ago. The 3 of them smiling and looking so young and cute and innocent and I thought to myself “oh my god I don’t even know how a childhood like that feels – one without fear or trauma”. It sounds awful but for half a second I hated them for that. Then I nearly cried again but didn’t – why weren’t the tears coming out? I could even feel the lump in my throat.

One thing T said in the session that has stuck with me is that in most cases of childhood sexual abuse from a partner of a mother, the mother is a narcissist. She explained that the men were clever and knew the mother would be so wrapped up in herself and that the child wouldn’t be protected, would be vulnerable. She said he was with her to “get” to me. That made me feel sooo sick.

She also said that although what he did was awful I had a close call. I know she’s right, it certainly could have been worse. I’m grateful they split up after that happened – though they did get back together a few months later and i came home to find him back in my house again. Luckily it didn’t last that time.

I’ve thought about this feeling a little since Tuesday though admittedly not a lot because it’s a horrible feeling that I find myself trying to block out. I think it’s shock.

I know that sounds weird but it’s like the severity of some of those things suddenly sunk in. Like I heard myself properly for the first time or something.

It FEELS awful. It never used to. How can you feel shocked about your own memories years and years after they happened?

Buying an old childhood house/the money

Last night I had a dream that I took my sister to see one of our old houses.  We stood outside the house, facing it and she told me that she didn’t recognise or remember it at all.  I couldn’t believe it.  I started to describe the layout of the rooms to her but she just didn’t remember living there at all and I was so surprised.

In the dream I wanted to/was going to buy that old house of ours back and live in it as an adult – now.  I can’t be sure now but I think my sister was still quite young in the dream, not a child but clearly younger because I think she was going to be living there with me.. (I think).

I woke up from this dream this morning and was pretty confused. Why on earth was I dreaming about that particular house.. AGAIN.  Last night’s dream has to be the third or fourth time I’ve dreamt about that house and I haven’t lived there for about 15 years! I moved a lot as a child and am not exaggerating by saying I have lived in about 25 houses, possibly more, so I wonder why I keep dreaming about that particular house.

I Googled what it means to dream about a house you’ve lived in previously and it asks questions such as “what does that house mean to you?” and “think of the house as yourself, what does the house symbolise or represent to you?”.  Well, let me tell you one thing: the house does NOT hold good memories for me.

  • First of all that is the house that I was groomed and sexually abused in.  That is probably the most obvious of the things I associate with that house but also as I didn’t tell my mother, the house I felt terrified and kept the biggest secret of my life in.  To date probably the most scared I have ever been.
  • It is the house that I witnessed my mother being beaten up by one of her fiancé’s in.
  • Whilst I lived there I used to have to babysit for my sister nearly every single night after school whilst my friends went out and had fun.
  • I ran away from home when we lived there.
  • I had to act like an adult the whole time we lived there as I had so many responsibilities.  I had to look after my younger sister, cooking and cleaning for her, bathing her etc, but I also had to look after my mother when she was dumped or when she was physically hurt.
  • I also lived in that house when I lost my virginity to the boy who then told my mother he actually loved her……… GAH!
  • Whilst I lived in that house my mother would spend nights and weekends away with various boyfriends and I would be left alone.  I used to have house parties/gatherings and invite all my friends over so I wasn’t alone.  I even spent a Christmas Day evening alone in that house at 15 whilst my mother went to see a guy.

I guess considering the above that my time at the house is a pretty decent representation of the chaos and dysfunction that was my life, that was my childhood/teen-hood.  So why on earth would I be dreaming of wanting to buy it and move back into it?

Is it about wanting to live there without those things happening? About kind of painting over the bad things and trying to live there with happy memories?  WHY would I want to go and live in a house that was such a reminder of so many painful things?

If a present day situation is triggering some unfinished emotions from my time in that house, that could make sense, but again why would I want to go and buy it and live in it?

If the house IS me in the dream, then what am I?  A very sad, pained, scared, lonely teenager. Is that how I am feeling now?

I can kind of understand why my sister was in the dream and also why her inability to remember living there shocked me so much.  Me and my sister have a different experience of our childhood.  Both of us remember missing some fundamental things from our mother, both of us remember some dramatic things happening and both of us remember moving house and school often and feeling scared of certain men BUT she doesn’t remember some of the things I do and she didn’t experience some of the things I did.  Firstly she is 7 years younger than me, so for 7 years that I was neglected and alone, she was not born.  Secondly, she was very young when her father hit my mother and when my mother had an affair behind his back that I used to have to see.  She was also very young when we moved a lot of the time and she used to stay with her dad a night or two in the week and at weekends.  Not to brag, but she also had me looking after her and I didn’t get that from anyone.  She didn’t experience sexual abuse (that we know of) and she didn’t experience the same mother that I did.  She had it worse in some ways, she was the scapegoated child and I became (at about 17) the golden child.  Our memories of things are different.  Our experiences were different.  So her not remembering living in that house kind of makes sense.

It’s no surprise that I am dreaming about childhood related things after what happened on Friday I suppose and I’ll be honest and say that I felt sad all day Friday at work and then I felt the sadness creep back in yesterday late afternoon/evening and I have spent all of today feeling miserable.  I feel kind shitty you know like when you feel angry but you know it’s actually that you need to have a huge cry and let all the boo-hoo’s out?

I feel like potentially the meaning of this dream is really obvious but I just can’t see it.

Is it tied into this money somehow?

Her sending me that money Friday afternoon really threw me.  As always, I didn’t see it coming.  I spent hours debating what I should do and hours feeling sick and anxious about it.  It is still playing on my mind now but I feel I said the right things in my messages to her.  For anyone that missed my post about this, Friday afternoon about 4.30pm my mother text me and my sister to say she was about to pay some money into both of our accounts.  She did, she sent £1,000!! Just for nothing, just out of the blue.  I didn’t know what to do about it because we haven’t spoken for 2 weeks since she invited me and my husband over and I said no.  I have such little contact with her these days that her sending me such a large amount of money felt very uncomfortable and from everything I have read and learnt about narcissists, money is used as a really powerful manipulation/control tactic.  So much went through my head about why she was sending it and what I should do.  I tried to give it back but she sent me a message which told me she wasn’t trying to buy me, that the money had no strings attached, that there was no ulterior motive.. (weird things for her to say right?).  I told her I didn’t want to be seen as shallow or a money-grabber and said that last time she gave me money she told people that she resented me for not returning it when we fell out and people thought badly of me and I did not want a repeat of that.  Anyway, long story short I ended up keeping the money but it feels…. loaded I guess.  Despite what she has said and it is playing on my mind.

Anyway I have to go now, I might try to write later if I get time.  Any insights you guys have about any of this would be really welcomed and appreciated!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dream that knocked me for six

Ugh.

Last night I had the most horrendous dream. I remember there was arguing between my mother and I, and that my sister was very upset and begging me to make up with her. I refused to because she still hadn’t validated me at all and was still trying to act like nothing had happened.

Next, she had wrapped a rope around her neck and jumped into a hole of water in the ground (a bit like a small circular pond), she had tried to kill herself. Somehow, and I can’t remember how now, I ran and pulled the rope and my sister out and she was just about alive, I untied the rope from her neck and she collapsed onto me. She was sobbing and so was I, although I was so scared that I was shouting at her in anger, that I couldn’t believe she would do that. She was totally broken and now so was I.

I felt horrendous grief and fear and sadness but also so much guilt. If I had made up with my mother, she wouldn’t be feeling so desperate. I could have saved her from nearly killing herself and yet I was nearly the cause of her suicide!

I woke up from this dream in the night and was sweating and frightened but fell back to sleep somehow.

Today though…. well today has been so, so tough. I have felt such a sadness all day. I feel very low and lethargic. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. I’ve thought about my sister constantly as you might imagine.

I know it’s only a dream but god it’s had such a horrible impact on me.

So what does it mean? Is it symbolic of my fear that my sister really will do something to herself? I mean I wouldn’t say that was impossible as she has always suffered with depression (even though she currently claims she’s managed to put it all behind her…. cough!).

Is it symbolic that she wants or needs me to save her?

Is it symbolic of my guilt? My worry for her?

When she came over last week with her Dad and my fiancé asked her if she would still want a relationship with me even if I never spoke to our mother again she said something quietly like “oh god”. She cried a lot, several times. She clearly wants my mother to stop crying and she clearly wants all the drama and fighting to stop. She’s not alone.

Today I feel utterly defeated, low, fed up, depressed (not properly but you know). I feel so exhausted from everything.

I don’t have the energy for all of this. It’s messages that trigger me, cause me to feel such huge anxiety, play on my mind, make me feel scared and nervous. There’s seeing people who are intimidating and of course invalidating, there’s the guilt I feel towards the people I leave behind like my sister… there’s the guilt I feel (rightly or wrongly) towards my mother who, despite her abuse is so personality disordered that she has no idea what’s going on or what she has done – who, in her own way, in her own head, is grieving for me somehow…

and then there’s me grieving the loss of being able to “get” at my mother in the way I’ve always needed and wanted to. My grief that half of my so called family are so invalidating and turning on me for having feelings…

The fear every time the doorbell rings.

The fear that someone will die whilst this is going on and I’ll hate myself. Perhaps I feel it would be my fault… just like the dream.

It’s all just a bit too much for me today. Today it is just overwhelming me. Today I don’t feel like I can cope or that I have the strength to carry on.

And annoyingly, this weekend I had felt quite pleased that I had managed to proactively make plans. I saw friends, walked in nature, celebrated one of my brother’s birthdays, started packing my house, felt proud of my weight loss etc – my fiancé even said how well I was doing despite it all.

Today I’m not doing well at all.

Thoughts, Feelings & General pondering

Hi guys. It’s Saturday evening here, just gone 7pm as I sit to type this.  My fiancé is currently taking the kids back to their mum and I am finally sat on the sofa with a clean, tidy house and the only sound I can hear other than my typing, is the dishwasher. Heaven.

This morning we went to view a house.  The house is in a location that is new to me and I was pretty certain before we even left that it wasn’t “the one”.  On paper it was lovely, it had 4 bedrooms, an en-suite, a garage and it was close to the train station, shops, supermarket and gym.  What more could you want, right? BUT it is also MUCH further away from T (more on that later).  Anyway, when we got there, the house from the outside was pretty amazing. It looked like a house I would imagine rich people living in and let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a bit of that? LOL.  Inside the house was nice! It was big, lots of space, it had a utility room where I could do the washing and ironing and keep the hamster etc  and it had 3(!) toilets.  A downstairs toilet off of the utility room, the family bathroom and then the en-suite.  I have ALWAYS wanted an en-suite, always but even more since becoming a stepmum.  Showering at the weekend is a nightmare here and sometimes I really do crave just ten minutes of peace and quiet whilst getting ready so an en-suite would be lovely.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, 2 of the kids and myself loved the house.  One of the kids, the eldest boy who is nearly 16 was visibly miserable and said he hated it. I could feel my back go up.  “What is there to hate?” I said.  He simply shrugged and walked off head hanging low. Grrrr.. this annoyed me because without sounding cruel, the kids are only with us at weekends, we have to live there every day of the week, it’s us that have to pay the rent and bills and us that need to find a house big enough for them to have bedrooms that sit empty most of the week (slight bug bare of mine – can you tell).  We also have to make sure we live in an area close enough to them for pick ups and drop offs etc, not to mention near a train station so we can commute to the City for work.

Later at home, I got even more annoyed as I overheard my fiancé and said eldest boyo discussing the house and heard my fiancé saying that it was only the first house we had seen, that yes, it did have a lot of windows and the garage wasn’t quite what he wanted (the GARAGE???).  He then added that he had seen another house that HE would go and look at in the week. Cue me being pretty damn pissed off.  A while later I sent him some Whatsapps to this effect and he apologised.  We haven’t discussed the house yet, I am sure we will when he gets back, but without even having the discussion I know the house has been vito’d.

On a more positive note, we have a viewing Monday evening for another house in the same area that also has a garage and an en-suite so we shall see.

Now about the area.  Currently I drive about 20 minutes to T’s and it only takes me about 15 on the way home as it is late and everyone’s home from work by then.  According to Google Maps on my phone, the new house to T’s is a 30 minute drive using the fastest route, or a 33/34 minute drive going other ways.  It is all on busy dual carriageways and I would have to… “merge” agghhhhh.  Okay, so in theory it is only 10 minutes more driving and really that isn’t the end of the world is it? But that is now, at nearly 7.30pm on a Saturday.  The journey in rush hour on therapy day says 35-55 minutes, depending on traffic.  Eugh.

I won’t lie, it is more about my nerves than the time it would take. I am not the most confident driver and I only passed my test in September of 2016 so have only been driving just over a year.  Enough excuses yet?  On the flip side, I keep thinking, I would learn.  It would get less scary and could potentially make me a much more confident driver, that now I can drive, I shouldn’t limit myself to just local roads and short trips because well, what’s the point in having the freedom of being able to drive?

I have thought about this a lot recently because the first 6-9 months after passing my test, I was very keen to drive everywhere. I wanted to drive to loads of places, no matter how far away and then something changed and I don’t know what because I haven’t had an accident (touch wood), but I lost my confidence and now I find myself dreading driving anywhere or doing what I used to do when I first passed and planning the route in my head, visualising it before I would attempt to go anywhere.  Why?? I have no idea.

Mother/Sister

Moving on from the house move, my Facebook “reactivated” itself at some point, I don’t know when but my aunty text me to say she had seen my page back up this morning.  I went on there to close it back down but found myself snooping on my mother’s and sister’s pages before I did.  I saw that last night there was a party for a family friend and that everyone had gone.  When I say “everyone” what I mean is, my mother, stepdad, sister, her boyfriend and then the aunty, uncle, cousin and her husband who all think I am a “loose cannon”.  Unfortunately they were all there 3 years ago for Part 1 of confront mother on her shit parenting skills. It got very messy and needless to say, I was made to look like the bad guy and my mother the innocent victim.

The thing I noticed more than anything else was that my sister was there. My sister never used to spend any time with the family like this, especially at parties etc but recently my sister is constantly with my mother and whoever else living it up.  I hate this.  I hate it for several reasons. I hate it because it isn’t who my sister is and she has changed, I hate it because I admit I feel a bit jealous and left out – not from my mother or anyone but I haven’t seen my sister since I fell out with my mother and despite a million attempts at seeing her, she either doesn’t reply or cancels on me last-minute, just as she did 3 times over Christmas.  I’ve now given up trying to see her, I have a present here for her and she can’t even be arsed to pop over and get it.  She hasn’t even apologised for not trying to fix a new date with me and then just to make it worse, last night I made a group on WhatsApp for my bridesmaids trying to get a date for us to go dress shopping and my sister said she would send dates in an hour or so.. and 5 hours later she hadn’t so I reminded her… and now 24 hours later, surprise surprise, she still hasn’t.

My sister suddenly going out drinking and to parties etc with my mother is no real surprise. It is what the Golden Child does in my family. It  is what I did for many years.  My mother loves the child that is fun and will get drunk, smoke, sing karaoke and play inappropriate drinking games.  Just like she does. And my mother DOESN’T love the child who is “boring” and doesn’t do those things.

The roles have been reversed, the tables have turned.  I did that, that was my choice and I am pleased, really.. but it still bothers me a bit.  That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it.

I’ve seen more selfies of my mother and sister on her Instagram in the last few months than ever before.  There are photos of them on Xmas Day, NYE and this party last night that obviously I didn’t get told about or invited to.  Part of me questions if it is being done on purpose to make me feel excluded and jealous like my sister did all the years that I was the Golden Child and then I think, nah… she is just really happy my mother is treating her so well and is enjoying it.  I should be pleased for her, but I can’t be because I know how it has effected me being the chosen one.

Last night’s Dream

Last night I had a dream that there were two cars and one of the cars drove up fast behind me, lifting me into the air and throwing me across wherever I was until another car came and did the same thing until I was thrown into a wall.  I had injured my leg and had a huge wound, a chunk of my leg tissue had come out and was on the floor. Someone picked it up so that the hospital could sew it back in (gross I know).  I was crying in the dream and in pain.  A while later in the dream I was trying to phone my fiancé who wasn’t there and I had gone a bit numb.  I felt like I had given up to an extent. I looked down and all the blood which was all over me had turned blue.

Google says that dreaming of blood symbolises “feeling of being hurt or injured and of losing energy or the strength that enlivens you. But blood can represent pain, but also passions, deep feelings. It can refer to things that are deeply felt“.  Regarding dreaming of wounds, it says “something painful is being repressed” and “On the legs or feet, the message may be about the ability to move forward and feel empowered”.

I woke up from this dream feeling sad.  My fiancé, completely oblivious to my dream or my mood came and gave me a hug and I could feel tears prickling my eyes but he didn’t notice and then went downstairs.  I guess I kinda sucked the tears and the sadness back in and had to go and get the kids their breakfast.  I’m not really sure why I felt so sad waking up from that dream because at that stage I didn’t know about the party, perhaps it is just the sadness that my sister is so distant with me and is making it so painfully obvious that she doesn’t care – about Christmas or my wedding and that is shit.  She repeatedly makes it clear how little she cares about me and what can I do about it? My sister has a short fuse and if I told her I was getting annoyed or confronted her in ANY way, that would be it, she would use it as an excuse to let rip about something and part of me wonders if she is doing it on purpose so that I give her an excuse not to see or speak to me anymore.  I think that perhaps now she has her elevated position as Golden Child, she doesn’t want me around or coming back to potentially push her back to scapegoat? Perhaps she knows my mother won’t want her speaking to me and is waiting for a good excuse to be able to cut the ties with me and please my mother even more?? It’s all speculation after all.

Another reason moving half an hour further away is that I will have even more distance between me, my mother, stepdad and sister. Whilst things are like this, and God knows how long that will be…. it seems like a good idea.  At least I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing them or bumping into them I guess.  Is that running away? Perhaps.

Oh, and finally one final thought before I stop banging on….. I realised the other day that there are some comparisons between the way I fell out with my mother and the way I reacted when T sent me that text by accident.  In both situations I got angry and withdrew the only difference was that after a week or so, when I had calmed down enough, I wrote to T and explained how I was feeling trusting that she would be able to discuss it with me without being angry or attacking me – clearly I haven’t done that with my mother because it is pointless.  I’ve been wondering if that is wrong of me?

 

[EDIT: Since publishing, I read back the part about my dream and one car barging me and then the other one and wondered if perhaps the cars doing the damage are symbolic of my mother and then my sister.  Mother started, sister took over from where she left off.  Both hurt me? just throwing it out there.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Work Drama & A Facebook Deleting

Work

So, work took (another) turn for the worse last week. It’s been very up and down since I started there, I’ve been in tears on at least 3 separate occasions over the last 3 weeks and I have now decided, enough is enough.

I won’t go into loads of detail here but basically there are 3 other full-time girls that I sit with. One is lovely but is the team leader who I wrote about a few weeks ago who has resigned.  The other two girls are both 23.  For a few days last week it was only myself and the two 23 year olds and it was horrible.  The pair of them spoke constantly but only to each other, neither of them spoke to me AT ALL. They whispered a lot, both sat texting on their phones at the same time (which made me paranoid and think they were talking about me), they both went off for breakfast and lunch together and never asked me… it was awful.

On Thursday, I was struggling a lot. Nobody was helping me and when I asked questions occasionally, I was met with very clear signs of annoyance – huffing or rolling of the eyes etc. On Thursday I cried in the toilets by 11am, again at lunch time as I sat in the canteen by myself and again when I finally got home. The girls spoke constantly about the Christmas party which was taking place Friday night, they discussed their dresses, eyelashes, tanning you name it – nobody asked me if I would like an invite.

Friday I felt angry. How nasty of them to make me feel so excluded and lonely? Who does that to a new person? So on Friday, when it had yet again got to midday without having had a single word spoken to me, I went onto the staff intranet and looked at vacancies in the firm. There was a full-time, permanent position at my level in another department.  I decided I had nothing to lose and sent the team leader of that department a message and asked if we could have a confidential chat.  About 3.30pm I went and met her and we had a brilliant and very honest chat which ended with her saying “Between me and you, if you apply, the job is yours”.

THANK GOD. The relief was insane.

So I applied online and apparently the next thing that will happen is that I will be asked to interview. The team leader told me it won’t be anything serious, just a chat between us.  She said she was very keen to get me in asap as the girl who I would be replacing was leaving that day.

Ah honestly, I could cry from relief but now I have to tell my current team and I am dreading that. It’s worrying me because it is very clearly personal isn’t it? I’ve been there 3 weeks and I’ve applied to work in another department. The job I would be leaving for isn’t a promotion or anything, it’s a lateral move…. I really don’t know what to say.  I don’t want to be unprofessional and say I felt excluded and almost bullied by those 23 year olds, but I am thinking of saying something about my personality being a mismatch for the department or something like that.. any advice?

My Mum

My best friend came round today for our Christmas get together. She asked what was going on with my mum so I told her the latest, about her text last Friday etc.  I asked her whether she had seen much of her on Facebook but asked her not to show or tell me anything specific. She said that she hadn’t actually and so went to look at her profile and it turns out… she’s deleted her! I can’t believe it. I was so shocked. My friend laughed and found it funny, she wasn’t offended but I am (still) really surprised.

It just seems an odd thing to do doesn’t it? I mean I deleted my Facebook account 3 weeks ago completely. I did that so that I didn’t have to delete or block my mother or her friends, so why has she felt the need to delete my best friend? It seems rather nasty to me.  My fiancé said it’s so my friend doesn’t tell me anything about my mum if I am choosing not to speak to her and I kind of get that, but it still just seems a bit nasty to me.  I feel a bit of a hypocrite saying that as when I stopped speaking to Tina back in the summer, I did delete her best friend so I guess it’s the same? it just feels different because this friend has been in my life for years now and she hasn’t ever got involved in any of my issues with my mother. What is my mum putting on there that she doesn’t want my friend to see? It also makes me wonder if I went back on Facebook myself, has she deleted or blocked me too?

On a brighter note however, I haven’t had any tears over my mum this weekend at all, I’ve wrapped up A LOT of Christmas presents, written loads of cards and nearly finished all of the shopping and I feel genuinely okay about it at the moment.  Obviously this changes day by day but it’s been a nice break.

I did dream of her AGAIN last night though.  I was in a house abroad and all of the heating and lights went out. I was there alone and phoned my mum. Within seconds I thought “God why did I call her?” and said to her “Well thanks for being so supportive as always!” sarcastically and then hung up.  I thought to myself afterwards, shit! Why did I call her? Now I’ve broken the silence! – It was as though I had forgotten we weren’t speaking and phoned her on autopilot and instantly regretted it.

I haven’t thought much about the meaning behind this dream yet but I guess it symbolises the fact that I don’t need her in a crisis like maybe I used to.

That’s about it I think. It will be my last therapy session on Tuesday until January which is a shame but I don’t feel unable to cope .. YET.  We will see.

TT x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies, enmeshment & estrangement

I’ve been very busy at work today so I haven’t thought much about everything with my mum which is a welcomed break. I saw T last night and then dreamt about her, which was a pleasant change from the awful anxiety-inducing dreams I have been having most nights, although my mum was still in the dream a little bit.

In it, T had given me her gold watch to borrow and I was very touched that she trusted me with it. I wore it around my neck (don’t ask how that is possible) to make sure I didn’t lose it. We then sat at her computer inside her actual house and were mucking around doing something, we took a selfie and T laughed really hard and loud. Her children were in the house but not with us. We went 15 minutes over our session time and I was very happy with that.

Later in the dream I was at a party and there were lots of people my age there who I did not recognise, they were all friends with my mother. I was later speaking in a kitchen with my sister and my mother walked past and I debated ducking down and hiding at the side of the fridge so that she didn’t see me, but then decided I would look pathetic if she saw me hiding and so I stood firm (but was really hoping she didn’t come in the room or see me.

In my real session last night, I gave T her Christmas card and gift. I wrote in her card that I wished her a very happy Christmas and NY and said that ‘thank you’ would never seem enough. I also wrote a short note about what rose quartz symbolised and how it felt really relevant to give to her. I guess that the dream of her lending me her gold watch is related to that somehow. Perhaps I would like her to give me something (not necessarily buy, but give) so that I could feel connected to her. I guess that must be what it is about although I do already have Frank. As for the bit with my mother, that isn’t hard to work out because my mother is always befriending people my age and getting new friends which used to make me very jealous – why could she enjoy their company so much but not mine?

I have been reading a lot about enmeshment the last few days. I have gained a deeper understanding of how enmeshed my relationship with my mother was. Despite 3 years with T and reading all the books on narcissism that touch on enmeshment, I truly did think me and my mother ‘used to be close’… it sounds ridiculous to write now, but it was only really yesterday that I *really* understood we were never close. Never. We were truly enmeshed. I read an article which summed that up so well, it said things like ‘If you think you and your mother are best friends, if you tell her absolutely everything, if you run every decision by her, if you two share clothing, if you only feel okay about a decision if you know she would approve of it‘…etc etc and I was like *lightbulb moment*. Another step in the recovery.

It made me think, she thinks we used to be close and then I met my fiancé who took me away from her (and now blames T for this for brainwashing me) but really it’s because 3 years ago (coincidentally the same time I met my fiancé), I started seeing T and disconnected from my mother psychologically. I distanced myself emotionally – and soon after, I also moved further away geographically. Anyway, she probably thinks that if I was to “stop going over the past” (read if I stopped mentioning my childhood abuse), we could be ‘close’ again. She doesn’t understand that will never happen and it made me think, if she knew she wouldn’t want me back in her life anyway. She wouldn’t be happy with our relationship any other way and she will, I know for certain, always blame my fiancé for that (as well as T now it seems). She will take that with her to the grave I am certain.

Writing this reminded me that a year or so ago I was at her house, drinking with her as I did and said something nasty, she said to her husband “there’s our TT!” and then went on to say how I am not myself these days and THAT is what she isn’t happy with my fiancé about….. now I realise what she meant was, “that sounds more like me!” – isn’t that sad or maybe sick? Both?

This isn’t really related but I also remembered that only several months ago, she was saying how she hopes my sister’s boyfriend CRIED when she told him she was very upset with him for something he had done. She went on to say that she, and this is a quote. “Made all my men cry” and only then would she feel they had been suitably punished. She said if they didn’t cry, she would keep going. I told her there and then that she was sick – she shouldn’t have to reduce a man to tears to accept an apology off them. She laughed. She knew what she was saying was ridiculous and sick…or she found it funny. I don’t know. That’s all about humiliation right? Or propping up her ego?

Anyway, the fact is that we were never close really and the only way that “closeness” could come back is if I forgot everything I had learnt and went back to being the fake me who went there every weekend for drinks, who slagged everyone off and took her advice on every aspect of my life. In the process I would lose my fiancé and stepkids and my real self. So that’s not going to happen. RIP enmeshed me.

I’ve realised a lot this week that I focus far too much on what SHE might be feeling and what SHE might be thinking or saying. I realise I need to take the focus off of her and put it back on to myself. How am I feeling, what do I want? I questioned why I do that and I think it’s because I was conditioned to put her before myself and I was conditioned by fear. I needed to be one step ahead and suss out what she would be needing or thinking. I have to remind myself constantly, that’s not the case any more.

T told me last night that nothing can happen now. That I can say at any time I need more time or I have nothing to say… I told her I’m petrified of what comes next and when and how I’ll next hear something.

T said something like “what about giving yourself permission to stop that worry and just know that you’ll survive it whatever way it comes?” I kinda went into shock… errr sorry what? Is that an option? Is that possible? It all sounds so simple doesn’t it? But she’s right of course.

I told T that part of me feels guilty that I ignored/didn’t respond to her message. T asked me why and I said “because she meant it nicely”. T seemed surprised and questioned me “did she?”. I said “well yes, if someone sent that surely it’s meant in a nice way?” T said I was confusing normal people with a narcissist. I smiled sadly.

I read T my latest letter and made a joke about how it was letter 5000. T said to keep writing, that it gets the feelings out. I told T that whilst I had written in the letter that i needed an apology. I didn’t want to spoon-feed her with what to do. T asked me what I would do if I sent it and my Mum then said she was sorry? I said well, I would ask her what exactly she was sorry for to see if she had any idea but also said to T that I knew my mother would be very much like “you wanted an apology. You’ve got one – take it or leave it” and I would have to leave it

And so I realised (again) that I’ll never get a genuine apology. Even if she said the word sorry it wouldn’t be what I need it to be. I told T that I’m limited on how much I can handle that fact.

T said to me “If you never want to see your mother again you don’t have to. It’s not even like you could have a limited relationship doing something together you enjoy, because there isn’t anything is there?”.

She is right. I told T I want to say to her “what you want is a mini-you and I am not like you anymore.” She would deny it of course, but that IS what she wants.

It’s unfamiliar ground right now. I’ve never had this much space from her before. I’ve not had social media for about 3 weeks so I can’t see what she’s up to (which is a relief) and she can’t see what I’m up to (which is an ever bigger relief). I’ve not seen anyone that we are both close with so there’s been nobody to pass things between us…. I’ve ignored a message from her and I’ve never done that before. It’s brand new and it feels weird. Not bad though.

You would think the longer this goes on, the more I would miss her or want to fix things but the opposite is true. The longer this goes on the more I realise it can’t be fixed.

Did I really see my mother for the last time 6 weeks ago? Is that it forever?

When I left her house that night, I left angry, crying, shaking, scared and relieved but I never thought it was the absolute end. The beginning of NC. Of being estranged. But I think I am.

I’m not hugely sad by the way, I’m not sure how this reads? It’s more disbelief!

A hair, a flood and a haunting

Last night I had another weird dream. It really annoys me that even when I go to sleep I can have dreams that keep me so anxious.  In last night’s dream my mother had emailed me to say she loved me (like she did in real life Friday night) and I had ignored it (like I have in real life).  What followed a few days later was another email which said something along the lines of “However….” and then went on to say that she needed me to sort out a hotel booking that I had made on their behalf because it was currently I my name. The “whatever” was meant to mean, I do love you BUT…..

I went to the hotel to try to sort out whatever the problem was but whilst I was there I had a sandwich and found a clump of hair in it, I tried to sleep in a bed whilst the room was haunted and the ghost threw toilet roll around it and I was petrified AND the sea had flooded a room and there was a leak from the ceiling.

Later in the dream I went to wake my fiancé up but he was sleeping at the bottom of a bed that my mother and her husband were asleep in so I had to be really quiet not to wake them.

I looked up the dream meaning for finding hair in your food, food and haunted room and found this:

To dream that there is hair in your food means that you are entangled in some emotional matter which you are not sure about how to get out of

To dream about being haunted indicates early unpleasant experiences and feelings that still haunt you.

If you dream about a flood, more likely than not you have recently felt overwhelmed in your life by something (or someone) that seemed like an uncontrollable force – one which left you feeling somewhat helpless, at their mercy, and victimized.

I guess that makes sense really.  I am clearly entangled in an emotional matter that I am not sure how to get out of, early experiences and feelings DO still haunt me and I guess the whole situation has made me feel a bit overwhelmed – although not at their mercy.  Perhaps that is why it was only one room that was being flooded and not the whole hotel. I think the dream shows my unconscious worries about having not responded to her text.  Perhaps I unconsciously think that not replying will lead to some disasters.

I feel pretty much the same as yesterday today, despite the dream but I did wake up feeling something.. I’m not sure what.  I had a few tears this morning, I just felt I needed to release them, I didn’t really have many conscious thoughts to accompany them. Just felt a bit sad I guess.  It snowed all day today so we went out for a walk in the snow, threw snowballs and made snow people (political correctness at its finest)! When we got home I felt the need to cry again, just a tiny bit, not a lot but I didn’t really have the space at the time so I didn’t.

I was scrolling through Instagram earlier though and my sister had put a photo on of her, my mother and stepdad all wearing scarfs and hats clearly in the snow.  The three of them were smiling.  The photo did have an effect on me, but I’m not sure what exactly. It wasn’t jealousy, I didn’t wish I was there with them, but it was odd. I guess because it is the first photo of my mum I’ve had to see in a while since I deleted my Facebook account.

A few hours ago my fiancé sat down next to me on the sofa and said “So, shall we talk about it?” I had been waiting and hoping we would but didn’t want to bring it up because I feel it is all I talk about lately! I told him as much.  He asked me how I was feeling about it all and I told him pretty much what I wrote here yesterday.  I said that I had some guilt about not replying – whether or  not I should.  That I still hadn’t let go of the need for her to take accountability and apologise – even though I knew that won’t happen.  I said that my reality is still that nothing has changed.  That 6 weeks passing didn’t make anything better or hurt less.  I still need an apology.

I explained to him that until she takes some responsibility for her mistakes and apologises to me, I am stuck in this angry place and I can’t have a healthy or enjoyable relationship with her whilst I feel that way.  It really is as simple as that.  Nothing really that I haven’t written here already.

He said that the fact is, before I started therapy 3 years ago, I was enmeshed with my mother which is why I told her absolutely everything, why I asked her what to do about everything and why I couldn’t imagine surviving life without her.  He said that starting therapy 3 years ago enabled me to separate from my mother in the way that children separate from their parents as a normal childhood development stage and that it was normal and natural the way I separated from her but because of the way she is, because of her narcissism it was a narcissistic wounding for her and she had to find reasons that I had done that (which obviously couldn’t be her) and so she blamed my fiancé.  He must be controlling and manipulative.  Fast-forward to now and it’s my therapist’s fault for brainwashing me.

He said that despite this, I was only 29 years old, that we were getting married next year, that we had built a lovely family together with his children and we had our house and our love etc. He said to me that if I hadn’t got myself to therapy, I may not have been released from the unhealthy enmeshment with my mother until the day she died, which could have been when I was in my 60s! I agreed and said I had thought this many times. I’ve read so many forums where people in their 50s or 60s had just realised they had a narcissistic mother (or father) and how grateful it made me that I had found this out whilst I was young enough not to let it take over my entire adult life. Thank God. We both agree that we wouldn’t have worked out if I hadn’t got this help, I would have been too triggered, insecure and jealous over things with his ex-wife and his children and I wouldn’t have enjoyed the security of a happy relationship the way that I am (thankfully) able to now. He basically said, “I know it is hard now, but it is so worth it for the rest of your life”.  Boy is he right.

I admitted that when the guilt comes it is normally because I imagine my mother upset and think that because of the narcissism, because she has a personality disorder, I feel sorry for her not understanding what she has done wrong, what she needs to apologise for… for feeling confused and upset that she’s “lost me” (obviously she might not feel any of those things!).  He couldn’t really understand that, he just said I had nothing to feel sorry for her about.

I said that I didn’t miss her – not her, her as a person but I was sad of course that I’ve lost my mother. As in, the archetype, the figure, the role.  That is so sad.  It just helps that the word mother, and my mother’s face in my mind are beginning to be separate and different things now.  No longer is that child’s craving for a mother about HER.  Does that make sense to anyone?

I told him what I said here yesterday, normally I am dying for a way to fix it all, to make it all go away and be better but I am not this time. I guess that is because I can’t un-know what I now know.  It can’t ever be “fixed” or “better”.

I don’t like not knowing what will happen next, that makes me fearful I think.. or something like that. I think that is what the dreams are about. What happens next? Will she start telling people her version of events? Will the flying monkeys contact me soon and start to pass on messages about her and what she is thinking and feeling? Will she directly contact my fiancé or something? I just don’t know and I don’t like that….. I’ve had it easy so far really I guess as she didn’t tell anyone and she didn’t contact me until Friday for 6 weeks. Ignoring her declaration of love may possibly change that.

I think Christmas will be hard for me.. I wouldn’t rather be there at her house, but being with my fiancé’s kids and parents for the entirety will hammer home that I don’t have that. There’s something about Christmas that makes that harder but having said that, I felt the same the last few Christmases’ and she was in my life.. I saw her… so really what difference does it make? It’s just that whole belief that the day itself is all about love and family when in reality, is that day any different from any other? really? Probably not.

On the note of actual Christmas, I haven’t bought her or my stepdad a Christmas present or card and that makes me uneasy.  Isn’t that crazy? Why would I have done? In the back of my head I keep thinking “I should get something just in case…”  how ridiculous is that? It just goes to show more fear in me doesn’t it? More fear that if somehow, by some miracle I saw them and had no material present to give, that she would be angry and I would feel awful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I smell a rat

I’m not sure what I am thinking or feeling right now. I am hoping that just sitting down to write will help me tap into my unconscious and help me to figure it out.

As per my post last night, written in a hurried and frenzied state, my mother finally broke the silence and sent me a message. She sent it at twenty to eleven on a Friday night which would mean she would have been drinking for several hours by that point. I know this because my mother spends EVERY Friday and Saturday night drinking. Before I wised up, I used to go there every Friday and drink with her as she verbally tore me apart or told me what to do about my latest life drama. I was totally enmeshed and felt I needed her for my very survival. Probably still stuck in the child feelings I guess? I wasn’t being my true self, I wasn’t being ME, I was using a fake persona, I had tried to be more like her. I didn’t realise at the time that is what I was doing, but hey, hindsight and all.

I read her message by accident. I was already talking on WhatsApp to someone else when her message came through and I clicked on it without even realising until I read the words and then my heart fell. I panicked. I freaked out big time. I burst into tears, my head hurt, I felt a surge of sadness, anger and guilt all at once and felt like my head could explode. I’m not even exaggerating. The tears oddly stopped rather quickly and I felt numb. I tried to work out how I was feeling and numb was all I could tap into.

The thoughts and observations that ran through my mind were things like – She said she loves me! She said she misses me! Then, still no accountability or apology… She’s probably drunk and playing the victim crying to her enabling husband… If I don’t reply now she’s seen I’ve read it, I’ll look bad and give her more to play on. Eugh. Why now? I don’t want to deal with this.

Something else I couldn’t help but think about was that I finally made the decision to spend Xmas Day with my fiancé’s parents – a decision I’ve written about recently that I’ve been putting off and off for the entire 6 weeks me and my mother didn’t speak. I had to fight a lot of guilt and fear to get to that stage and the very day I make the choice, she texts. Total coincidence I know, but feels like she has a camera on me or something. That isn’t the first time I’ve said, felt or written that either.  It’s scary. It’s like they can sense when we move a bit further away or something and they know when their contact will make the most significant impact.

I put my phone on the floor, on some clothes so it didn’t vibrate and wake me up should she text again and fell asleep.  I had a dream and I can only remember the main thing in it was a rat. I seem to remember I was sat on a bench with my youngest stepson and I could hear a noise but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I looked down and there was a rat nibbling away at something and I freaked out!! Later in the dream I was somewhere else and paranoid and looking out for possible rats. I am a big believer in hidden messages in dreams, I do think if you pay attention to them, you can see what your less conscious thoughts are, so I looked up the meaning of dreaming about rats and the general consensus is about a person’s character being sneaky or betraying you somehow.

The first thing to think about is whether you or someone you know is behaving unethically in a situation in your life,” suggests O’Connor. “You often hear the expression that someone is a ‘rat,’ meaning he is untrustworthy or has betrayed someone.

What do rats represent to me? Well, I am scared of them – just like my mother.

I was paranoid there would be rats around me – Possibly a symbol of my fear of seeing my mother around.

I wasn’t aware of the rat being there until I heard it and spotted it – a bit like how I felt last night when that text came through totally unexpectedly.

Anyway, moving on from my dream. How do I feel about it today? I genuinely don’t know. I haven’t had much time to think about it all as the kids are here but I feel better than I thought I would. I feel better than I think I would have done a few weeks ago. The instant reaction was that I was triggered instantly into wanting to believe her words.  Her saying she loved and missed me being things I’ve spent forever wanting to hear, feel and believe. The other instant trigger was guilt. Guilt that she was upset, guilt that she would know I had read her message and ignored it… guilt knowing that would upset her further.

Then more rational thinking kicked in where I was annoyed that the message only spoke about her. “I” miss you and “I” love you.  I wished there had been some accountability and an apology but I do know logically that is never going to happen.  I guess there is still a part of me that can’t quite let that go.

There was a bit of anger that this is what she does. No matter how big the row, or how severe the topic, it is always swept under the rug and never dealt with. Okay, so the love you, miss you thing is a new tactic, but it doesn’t deal with the reason we aren’t speaking does it. It doesn’t offer some kind of resolution or attempt at apologising… it feels to me like it’s undertone is “Just so you know, it is you that is creating the silence and distance, I am still here for you and still love and miss you”…… I don’t know if she realises that or whether it is unconscious but that is how it feels. It’s clever because I did instantly think to myself “So she wasn’t not talking to me…. it was just me not speaking to her was it?” but I know that isn’t true.

I’ve questioned why has it taken 6 weeks for her to send that? I have believed for a while now that she didn’t think I would be able to stick to it for long and that I would “come running back”.  Maybe she thought it would be eating me alive not speaking to her and I would either apologise or try to sweep it all under the rug like she does – and I’ve done neither thing.  Perhaps it is in attempt at resolving things (ignoring things) as Xmas is closing in on us.

I guess that for her she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong, doesn’t think she needs to apologise for anything and so saying she loves and misses me is all she can do.  Perhaps it helps her to sleep at night thinking that it is ME that is choosing to ignore and hurt her. Choosing to reject her love.  I am being the bad, grudge-baring daughter who has been brainwashed my her fiancé and her therapist.. who has “so much bad feeling” towards her for no reason that there is nothing more she can do other than to send the occasional message of love so that I know she’s still there for me, when I’ve stopped this ridiculousness and woken up to the reality that she is in fact, perfect and a great mother.

I’ll admit that there is a bit of me today that is thinking, if I ignore this message, that will really upset her, yes, but it will shock her. I’ve NEVER been able to ignore a sign of love or affection from her. If I shock her enough, perhaps it will force her to look at herself harder or make her realise that I really am going to need an apology and that I really am not going to come running back apologising.  I hate myself for thinking like that because I know that narcissists cannot empathise and that they are unable to be accountable or genuinely apologise.  I mean, surely a normal mother would be able to look back and say, I should have done better, I have regrets and I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to make it up to my child? Or is that me living in a fantasy land? I never really know.

Imagining ignoring a message of love from my mother would have sent me spiralling a while ago. There is definite improvement in that I don’t feel full of fear today…. but I am not entirely comfortable with the fact I haven’t replied.

So, what happens next?

What do I want to do about it? As a few people said last night, I need to take my time with this and let things percolate a bit. I know that. My fiancé told me to do whatever I really want to do.  He said “I know it isn’t as simple as this, but if you want to text her, then text her and if you don’t? then don’t!”.  He then asked me outright, do you want to? and I said no.  So for now, not responding is my choice of action.  Who knows how I might feel in hours, days or weeks.

I’ve written it a million times already, but the only way I see the possibility of having a relationship with her is her admitting she fucked up and her apologising genuinely.  Being truly remorseful. So without that, there really isn’t any relationship left. Her not taking accountability or apologising and validating my lifetime of grief, pain and rejection leaves me stuck in anger with her. Anger that I can sometimes hide and sometimes attack her with.  It wouldn’t be an enjoyable or healthy relationship for either one of us.

This happened 3 years ago. It happened again 6 weeks ago. Next time I fear it would happen much, much quicker, days or weeks perhaps.  I am much less able to tolerate it than I was then. I’ve done a lot more healing than I had then.  I was stuck in a deeper level of fear then. Saying that, visualising being sat at her house with her and her twat of a husband makes me feel sick – so there’s a long way to go.

The thing I find confusing and surprising is that normally a resolution would fill me with joy and hope and I don’t feel either of those things with her. It sounds utterly selfish but if I got that validation, acceptance and apology, it wouldn’t make me happy that I could now rebuild a relationship with her, it would be for the child inside me. It feels like it would enable my healing process to speed up – I know that isn’t necessarily true – but since when were feelings ever logical hey?

If you’ve made it this far without wanting to shout and scream at me “You stupid girl! She will never do thatttttt!!” then I take my metaphorical hat off to you because I am sure I would have lost patience by now.  Thank you for reading and supporting me through this, it’s a relief to be able to write here and not be judged.

TT x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Approval and Boundaries

I dreamt last night that my stepdad was chasing me through a house or a building of some kind and was going to physically beat me up if he caught me.  I remember being face to face with him with my back to a wire fence and him screaming at me that I always play the victim.  The next thing that happened was me consciously thinking to myself:

“Why do I care if I have her approval or her love? I can approve of and love myself.  I don’t need her to do that”. 

I remember thinking this clearly but can’t work out if I was asleep or coming to consciousness.  Either way, it has stayed with me.

I keep thinking about it because it seems so obvious and so simple.  Why does this feel like a revelation of some kind? a new idea, a new realisation? It surely can’t be because I’m pretty sure I have read nearly ever book published about healing from parental/maternal narcissism and surely that must be a theme throughout, right? Speaking of books, only yesterday I purchased “Children of the self-absorbed” by Nina W.Brown – from the amount of books, blogs, articles and so on that I read, I am clearly still hoping for something I haven’t already read to sink in at a newer, deeper level or something. The books pretty much say the same thing I suppose, but I read them (and sometimes re-read them) for validation and encouragement I guess?

Only last night I found myself on Google for hours reading about ‘Cutting out toxic parents’, ‘Going No Contact’ and even, ‘My daughter has cut me out her life’.  Yep, I was even reading the things my mother might be reading. (I’m not actually sure who I am trying to kid thinking my mother would be reading anything like that, but there we go)… it’s like I wanted to be prepared for the types of things she might say but all I read was a lot of poor you’s aimed at the mother’s whose awful children had rejected them – nothing, obviously, about self-reflection or anything like that.

Anyway the point is why do I need her approval? Why has this been such a huge thing for me? Perhaps something has shifted for me which is making it hard to understand but today I seem unable to feel the pain not getting her approval has always given me. That is odd isn’t it? Where has it gone? Perhaps because of all of the work I’ve done in and out of therapy I have strengthened my ‘self’ enough that I am starting to feel the benefit of having some approval towards my self – something I clearly didn’t used to experience at all… is that what is meant to happen?  Perhaps it is because I feel as though I have T’s approval, my fiance’s approval, his kids’ and his parents’ approval? Maybe its a mixture of all of those things.  Perhaps it is from the type of re-mothering T gives me.

It has been a month now that we have not spoken and (as I have already written) I came off of Facebook about 3 days ago and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel better for having done that already.

I haven’t had to see my mother’s stupid check-in’s, photos or statuses and my aunty’s party was last night so I haven’t had to see all the fake smiles of her and my stepdad.  Saying that, yesterday I text my aunty to tell her I couldn’t make it.  I told her that me and my mother were not speaking and that we hadn’t done for a month.  She had no idea which I admit annoyed me a bit because if my mother really cared that my aunty had told me the things my mother had been saying about me and my fiance, then surely she would have confronted her? At least spoken to her about it in some way? But no, obviously she hadn’t and she was attending her party as if everything was normal.  Can she not see that would annoy me? I guess it comes back to the same thing that she doesn’t think about how I would feel – she cannot empathise with someone else.

Deleting Facebook is the best thing for me right now. There is so much envy and anger inducing crap on there sometimes.  I feel kind of empowered at having removed that link from her.  Now she truly can’t see what I am doing in any way. Not herself, or via her friends or other family members.  I like that.  That feels much better.It feels almost like I’ve taken some power back.  I just hope it doesn’t encourage the direct contact.

I think I can feel a bit of anger in me as I think about this approval stuff. Why the hell do I need approval from someone like her? We are such different people. In fact, if she DID approve of me, then I would probably be doing something very wrong!! I don’t live my life like her. In fact, it is hard to believe we are related at all, yet alone mother and daughter.  I need to focus on the fact that I know I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and loving.  I try to show my fiance and stepchildren love. I try to show them that I care about them.  I am not perfect – I am flawed like we all are and yes, I have times where I am selfish, greedy or stroppy, but on the whole I know I am a decent person.

I can understand why the child in me has always craved approval from her mother – I can see that, I can understand that so I don’t want to make it sound like I am belittling that in any way and perhaps it is with hindsight from therapy that I am able to release the need for the approval? Either way, maybe this need for approval has lessened because we aren’t speaking or seeing each other. Perhaps that is what having no contact can do for me? Maybe if I found myself back in her house that need would come flooding back. Who knows.

In other news my sister replied to my messages Friday night when I was at my leaving party.  24 hours later. Her messages didn’t go down well. They effectively said that she doesn’t like the language I was using (as in the phrases/terminology – not swearing) and that we shouldn’t need ‘ground rules’ and that she didn’t think there was an issue at all between me, her or my mother and so she was confused where this had come from. As I was at my work party I just ignored them and last night I knew she would be at the party with my mother and co and so I didn’t reply yesterday either as I imagined them all discussing me and my messages.

If I am totally honest I kind of feel a bit like I am fighting a losing battle. I feel like I made the contact with her when clearly she wasn’t going to. I have heard her out, apologised for anything I did that upset her and then made some new suggestions for how we can have a healthier relationship going forwards.  All she has done is bring problem after problem and now is complaining at my language and basically saying she doesn’t agree or understand why we might need boundaries regarding my mother.  She claims she “has always done that anyway so I don’t understand why that issue has come up now“…. I mean that really is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.  Excuse me whilst I sound like a child but where is my apology? Where is the warmth or the gladness that I made contact and that she also would like to have a healthy relationship with ME too? Where is the meeting me halfway?

Eugh. I dunno, I feel really annoyed by her and having just spoken this through with my fiance, he is trying to encourage me to just text her in a few days or whenever and ask how her weekend was or send her a text as I usually would. I told him, she doesn’t work like that. She is still clearly being aggressive and standoff-ish and that I feel like I’ve reached my limit of being the one trying to do the work here.  Where is her effort? Why not just say ‘Hi, thanks for reaching out to me first. I really am glad you did. I appreciate your apology and I am also sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. I think the new suggestions are a good idea and I agree they will enable us to get along much better from now on’.  Done. Simple. Why drag out the drama needlessly?

I will also admit that her comment about my use of language/words has really pissed me off and the reason for that is that in my mind, that has been said between my mother and her. That feels like my mother’s words and it feels like another dig about my therapy because they are not used to me wanting to put in boundaries.  I didn’t use the word boundaries for that exact reason, but the effect has been the same.  I guess this makes me angry because my mother said I had changed and that therapy had made me worse and that I had been brainwashed and I feel like my sister agrees with her and me trying to put in some boundaries is making her question why I am doing that – basically the undertone being ‘this is therapy stuff – you don’t do this, this isn’t you – you have changed.. therapy is brainwashing you’.  Of course that is my fantasy and I could be totally wrong so maybe this is just my insecurity. For some reason I feel real strong irritation and anger about this point.

Sometimes I want to scream at them both “Yes I’ve fucking changed! That tends to happen after 3 years of therapy, reading hundreds of books, thousands of articles and blogs.  I have got healthier. Now I won’t accept all the shit I used to – now you have to treat me in a way that makes me happy otherwise I will not participate at all.  Yes I have changed and you say that as a bad thing but its the best thing I’ve ever done.  Yes I have changed and you don’t like it but that is YOUR problem – not mine.”

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Oh wow, super aggressive me, not sure where that came from! I know that the ways I have changed are for the best. I know that the changes I am making are healthy and so my mother, stepdad or sister thinking otherwise really shouldn’t bother me, should it? But it really bloody does.  It’s that ugly duckling feeling again that often rears its head.    I have read today that it is quite common for people to react with anger if they are not used to you setting boundaries. I’ve also read that anyone that doesn’t respect your boundaries is the one with the problem.  But if she genuinely believes she has always done that, or even if she doesn’t believe that but is willing to change it, why not just agree so we can move on?

Why does everything have to be such a battle? Is it really as simple as people being threatened?

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