Hi guys. It’s Saturday evening here, just gone 7pm as I sit to type this. My fiancé is currently taking the kids back to their mum and I am finally sat on the sofa with a clean, tidy house and the only sound I can hear other than my typing, is the dishwasher. Heaven.
This morning we went to view a house. The house is in a location that is new to me and I was pretty certain before we even left that it wasn’t “the one”. On paper it was lovely, it had 4 bedrooms, an en-suite, a garage and it was close to the train station, shops, supermarket and gym. What more could you want, right? BUT it is also MUCH further away from T (more on that later). Anyway, when we got there, the house from the outside was pretty amazing. It looked like a house I would imagine rich people living in and let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a bit of that? LOL. Inside the house was nice! It was big, lots of space, it had a utility room where I could do the washing and ironing and keep the hamster etc and it had 3(!) toilets. A downstairs toilet off of the utility room, the family bathroom and then the en-suite. I have ALWAYS wanted an en-suite, always but even more since becoming a stepmum. Showering at the weekend is a nightmare here and sometimes I really do crave just ten minutes of peace and quiet whilst getting ready so an en-suite would be lovely.
Anyway, cutting a long story short, 2 of the kids and myself loved the house. One of the kids, the eldest boy who is nearly 16 was visibly miserable and said he hated it. I could feel my back go up. “What is there to hate?” I said. He simply shrugged and walked off head hanging low. Grrrr.. this annoyed me because without sounding cruel, the kids are only with us at weekends, we have to live there every day of the week, it’s us that have to pay the rent and bills and us that need to find a house big enough for them to have bedrooms that sit empty most of the week (slight bug bare of mine – can you tell). We also have to make sure we live in an area close enough to them for pick ups and drop offs etc, not to mention near a train station so we can commute to the City for work.
Later at home, I got even more annoyed as I overheard my fiancé and said eldest boyo discussing the house and heard my fiancé saying that it was only the first house we had seen, that yes, it did have a lot of windows and the garage wasn’t quite what he wanted (the GARAGE???). He then added that he had seen another house that HE would go and look at in the week. Cue me being pretty damn pissed off. A while later I sent him some Whatsapps to this effect and he apologised. We haven’t discussed the house yet, I am sure we will when he gets back, but without even having the discussion I know the house has been vito’d.
On a more positive note, we have a viewing Monday evening for another house in the same area that also has a garage and an en-suite so we shall see.
Now about the area. Currently I drive about 20 minutes to T’s and it only takes me about 15 on the way home as it is late and everyone’s home from work by then. According to Google Maps on my phone, the new house to T’s is a 30 minute drive using the fastest route, or a 33/34 minute drive going other ways. It is all on busy dual carriageways and I would have to… “merge” agghhhhh. Okay, so in theory it is only 10 minutes more driving and really that isn’t the end of the world is it? But that is now, at nearly 7.30pm on a Saturday. The journey in rush hour on therapy day says 35-55 minutes, depending on traffic. Eugh.
I won’t lie, it is more about my nerves than the time it would take. I am not the most confident driver and I only passed my test in September of 2016 so have only been driving just over a year. Enough excuses yet? On the flip side, I keep thinking, I would learn. It would get less scary and could potentially make me a much more confident driver, that now I can drive, I shouldn’t limit myself to just local roads and short trips because well, what’s the point in having the freedom of being able to drive?
I have thought about this a lot recently because the first 6-9 months after passing my test, I was very keen to drive everywhere. I wanted to drive to loads of places, no matter how far away and then something changed and I don’t know what because I haven’t had an accident (touch wood), but I lost my confidence and now I find myself dreading driving anywhere or doing what I used to do when I first passed and planning the route in my head, visualising it before I would attempt to go anywhere. Why?? I have no idea.
Moving on from the house move, my Facebook “reactivated” itself at some point, I don’t know when but my aunty text me to say she had seen my page back up this morning. I went on there to close it back down but found myself snooping on my mother’s and sister’s pages before I did. I saw that last night there was a party for a family friend and that everyone had gone. When I say “everyone” what I mean is, my mother, stepdad, sister, her boyfriend and then the aunty, uncle, cousin and her husband who all think I am a “loose cannon”. Unfortunately they were all there 3 years ago for Part 1 of confront mother on her shit parenting skills. It got very messy and needless to say, I was made to look like the bad guy and my mother the innocent victim.
The thing I noticed more than anything else was that my sister was there. My sister never used to spend any time with the family like this, especially at parties etc but recently my sister is constantly with my mother and whoever else living it up. I hate this. I hate it for several reasons. I hate it because it isn’t who my sister is and she has changed, I hate it because I admit I feel a bit jealous and left out – not from my mother or anyone but I haven’t seen my sister since I fell out with my mother and despite a million attempts at seeing her, she either doesn’t reply or cancels on me last-minute, just as she did 3 times over Christmas. I’ve now given up trying to see her, I have a present here for her and she can’t even be arsed to pop over and get it. She hasn’t even apologised for not trying to fix a new date with me and then just to make it worse, last night I made a group on WhatsApp for my bridesmaids trying to get a date for us to go dress shopping and my sister said she would send dates in an hour or so.. and 5 hours later she hadn’t so I reminded her… and now 24 hours later, surprise surprise, she still hasn’t.
My sister suddenly going out drinking and to parties etc with my mother is no real surprise. It is what the Golden Child does in my family. It is what I did for many years. My mother loves the child that is fun and will get drunk, smoke, sing karaoke and play inappropriate drinking games. Just like she does. And my mother DOESN’T love the child who is “boring” and doesn’t do those things.
The roles have been reversed, the tables have turned. I did that, that was my choice and I am pleased, really.. but it still bothers me a bit. That sounds ridiculous doesn’t it.
I’ve seen more selfies of my mother and sister on her Instagram in the last few months than ever before. There are photos of them on Xmas Day, NYE and this party last night that obviously I didn’t get told about or invited to. Part of me questions if it is being done on purpose to make me feel excluded and jealous like my sister did all the years that I was the Golden Child and then I think, nah… she is just really happy my mother is treating her so well and is enjoying it. I should be pleased for her, but I can’t be because I know how it has effected me being the chosen one.
Last night’s Dream
Last night I had a dream that there were two cars and one of the cars drove up fast behind me, lifting me into the air and throwing me across wherever I was until another car came and did the same thing until I was thrown into a wall. I had injured my leg and had a huge wound, a chunk of my leg tissue had come out and was on the floor. Someone picked it up so that the hospital could sew it back in (gross I know). I was crying in the dream and in pain. A while later in the dream I was trying to phone my fiancé who wasn’t there and I had gone a bit numb. I felt like I had given up to an extent. I looked down and all the blood which was all over me had turned blue.
Google says that dreaming of blood symbolises “feeling of being hurt or injured and of losing energy or the strength that enlivens you. But blood can represent pain, but also passions, deep feelings. It can refer to things that are deeply felt“. Regarding dreaming of wounds, it says “something painful is being repressed” and “On the legs or feet, the message may be about the ability to move forward and feel empowered”.
I woke up from this dream feeling sad. My fiancé, completely oblivious to my dream or my mood came and gave me a hug and I could feel tears prickling my eyes but he didn’t notice and then went downstairs. I guess I kinda sucked the tears and the sadness back in and had to go and get the kids their breakfast. I’m not really sure why I felt so sad waking up from that dream because at that stage I didn’t know about the party, perhaps it is just the sadness that my sister is so distant with me and is making it so painfully obvious that she doesn’t care – about Christmas or my wedding and that is shit. She repeatedly makes it clear how little she cares about me and what can I do about it? My sister has a short fuse and if I told her I was getting annoyed or confronted her in ANY way, that would be it, she would use it as an excuse to let rip about something and part of me wonders if she is doing it on purpose so that I give her an excuse not to see or speak to me anymore. I think that perhaps now she has her elevated position as Golden Child, she doesn’t want me around or coming back to potentially push her back to scapegoat? Perhaps she knows my mother won’t want her speaking to me and is waiting for a good excuse to be able to cut the ties with me and please my mother even more?? It’s all speculation after all.
Another reason moving half an hour further away is that I will have even more distance between me, my mother, stepdad and sister. Whilst things are like this, and God knows how long that will be…. it seems like a good idea. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing them or bumping into them I guess. Is that running away? Perhaps.
Oh, and finally one final thought before I stop banging on….. I realised the other day that there are some comparisons between the way I fell out with my mother and the way I reacted when T sent me that text by accident. In both situations I got angry and withdrew the only difference was that after a week or so, when I had calmed down enough, I wrote to T and explained how I was feeling trusting that she would be able to discuss it with me without being angry or attacking me – clearly I haven’t done that with my mother because it is pointless. I’ve been wondering if that is wrong of me?
[EDIT: Since publishing, I read back the part about my dream and one car barging me and then the other one and wondered if perhaps the cars doing the damage are symbolic of my mother and then my sister. Mother started, sister took over from where she left off. Both hurt me? just throwing it out there.]