Cry Baby, Cry Mummy

Okay right now I really wish I had a “normal” mum to speak to. I wish I could pour out all my feelings and cry big snotty tears and let her cuddle me and help me to pick myself back up again because right now, I need that so much. 

Unfortunately I can’t trust my mum with any of these feelings because as crazy and unbelievable as it might sound to some, she would genuinely get a kick from my feelings of failure – particularly where parenting is concerned. 

I’ve had this low-level thought for a while now that my baby doesn’t “like” me. I guess the truth is that I feel like he doesn’t love me. I’ve never said the words out loud before because I know they make me sound really childish and pathetic, but that’s the only way I can explain the feeling I have. 

It’s been there in the background for months now, but as he is getting older and more independent, as his connections and attachments evidently grow with everyone around us, it’s tapping into the fear and worry that it’s not the same with me. 

I am his mummy, I’m meant to be the one he comes to for safety and for cuddles but he doesn’t seem to want to. His dad is the one he goes to for all of those things. He lights up when daddy comes into the room. He is happier with daddy. If I try to kiss him or cuddle him, he will push me away or turn his head or move away from me – yet he clambers all over his dad and cuddles and kisses him regularly. 

I try so, so hard to make him happy every day. I try so hard to make him feel cherished, treasured, loved and happy. I try to take him to nice places, play games with him, read books to him, take him for walks, to the swing, in the garden, to see the fish at the aquarium…. I buy him nice toys and new clothes and I plan his dinners and make sure we always have clean bedding and a tidy house and that bath time is fun. Yet, I still feel this kind of indifference from him towards me. 

This morning I woke before he did. I got up, had a wee, made a cup of tea, prepared his milk and waited for him to wake. I was in a good mood, I had luckily had a good amount of sleep and aside from my cold, I was ready for a good day.  He woke at a really nice time and I headed in. Often he is miserable when I get him up. His Dad even jokes that he prefers him getting him up…. (Not a joke I fear). 

He was fine, in a good mood. Not overjoyed to see me, but not miserable so that was good. Anyway, within a couple of hours something went wrong. I laid him down to change his pooey nappy and he screamed and was trying to twist away, smudging poo everywhere. He started to cry and scream and within seconds I was furious. I shouted at him to stay still, tried to hold him down but he twisted away and as I shouted again, he cried louder and then proceeded to wee all over my leg, the changing mat, himself…. 

I felt like I completely lost control. I did not know how to get back in control and my emotions were everywhere. I felt like I could have killed someone I was so angry. Clearly that anger is hugely disproportionate to the situation at hand… but this is all part of the bigger picture you see. I feel like he doesn’t like/ love me and therefore I feel like a total failure of a mum. I can’t even get his nappy changed. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. He rushed off to his dad (of course) which naturally just added fuel to the fire. 

I sat in his room and balled my eyes out. I am actually still crying now and it’s been about an hour. I’m writing this out because I have nobody to say it to who can help me with it all so maybe this will release some of the feelings. 

Now I’m trying very hard to think rationally, to think outside of the emotions I’m feeling and I’m asking myself what my therapist would say if I were to tell her all of this. I am pretty sure she would say that it’s got something to do with my own mother and that perhaps something is being triggered or replayed – I wonder if this is how my own mother felt about me. Did she feel like I didn’t like/love/need her? Is that why she went the way she did towards me? Or am i feeling like my baby doesn’t love me in the same way I felt my mother didn’t love me as a baby?  

I don’t know. 

All I do know is that ouch, it bloody hurts so much. 

I’ve wanted to be a mummy forever. I wanted a baby so badly. He really is a dream come true. I love him so, so much and I want to kiss him and cuddle him and all of those things, but right now all I am feeling is like a resistance from him and the feeling that I’m a shit mum, one who gets too stressed and moody and too angry. I also know I am getting stressed and moody and angry because I feel like I’m failing so it’s all a bit of a viscous circle. 

I know babies cry. Babies sometimes have moods or get frustrated or don’t want their nappy changed, obviously I’m not expecting him to be perfectly behaved every second of every day. It just feels like when he’s crying or angry or winging it’s because of me. Because he doesn’t want me, because I am not able to help him. It’s me who is making me angry, not him. 

I gave my job up to be a stay at home mum which was a dream come true. Now because of money I’m probably going to have to go back to work part time. Leaving him makes my heart cry, but days like this make me feel he would be happier away from me anyway and that’s painful too. If I go back to work then our attachment might get worse! That’s the dream over for good then. 

I don’t know any other mums who feel like I do. I look around and all my friends’ babies dote on their mummy’s. If I told any of them how I felt I think they would think I was crazy and obviously it’s extremely embarrassing to share these feelings with anyone. 

Another memory… another Steve (TW sex, anger, swearing)

Huge TW for this one.  Both about sex and anger and swearing.

I was sitting in the hairdressers today waiting for my colour to take and I was going over the things I wrote about yesterday afternoon, about the sex stuff in my head.  I was thinking about Steve and about Glen.

I thought to myself that in a way I was glad I had made some sense of these memories and that I could now understand how they happened in the first place and how they have affected me.  I thought that it is sad and I realised that the shame I used to feel has gone and now I just felt sad.

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, I remembered “the other Steve”. The Steve I had forgotten again.  The Steve I wrote about last year in the blog Protected: Date Rape Drug / Memory Loss.

I replayed the memory and the feelings which go with that memory and it is hard to say what body reactions I have other than it makes me want to cry and it makes my heart beat funny and my stomach flip.

I don’t know if now, a year since writing that blog, I believe I was date raped.  I don’t know what I believe.  Perhaps I really did just get too drunk – perhaps I did.  What I don’t like, what makes me upset and scared and sick is the way I feel and the way my body feels when I think back to that following morning and the fact that my memory NEVER did come back.  I have never remembered what happened after going into his house.

Part of me thinks that it is okay because I am safe now and even if something did happen, I am okay now and that I shouldn’t be freaking out so much and part of me wonders why it is that even now as I am typing this, I am crying. A lot.

Part of me wishes I knew. Part of me is glad I don’t.

And most of me just feels incredibly sad for the me back then that got herself into these situations.  Losing my virginity to Reece.  The scary experience with Glen.  Nearly sleeping with the other Steve who I didn’t even fancy.  This one… and then the sexual abuse from my mother’s boyfriend.

None of these things should have happened.

Excuse my anger and my language but WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These things shouldn’t have happened.  Why wasn’t someone looking out for me?? Why wasn’t someone checking I was okay? WHY didn’t someone love me enough in the fucking first place so I didn’t turn to these men and let myself be touched or shagged or used in the first place?

God I am so angry. I am so fucking angry.  Is that a normal reaction?

It is no wonder I had that dream last weekend about feeling like I had been sexually abused and having no memory of it.  I have memories, to an extent, mostly, but I had never written it out like this. I had never pieced together these different situations to make sense of why they happened and how I felt about them both then and now.