Cry Baby, Cry Mummy

Okay right now I really wish I had a “normal” mum to speak to. I wish I could pour out all my feelings and cry big snotty tears and let her cuddle me and help me to pick myself back up again because right now, I need that so much. 

Unfortunately I can’t trust my mum with any of these feelings because as crazy and unbelievable as it might sound to some, she would genuinely get a kick from my feelings of failure – particularly where parenting is concerned. 

I’ve had this low-level thought for a while now that my baby doesn’t “like” me. I guess the truth is that I feel like he doesn’t love me. I’ve never said the words out loud before because I know they make me sound really childish and pathetic, but that’s the only way I can explain the feeling I have. 

It’s been there in the background for months now, but as he is getting older and more independent, as his connections and attachments evidently grow with everyone around us, it’s tapping into the fear and worry that it’s not the same with me. 

I am his mummy, I’m meant to be the one he comes to for safety and for cuddles but he doesn’t seem to want to. His dad is the one he goes to for all of those things. He lights up when daddy comes into the room. He is happier with daddy. If I try to kiss him or cuddle him, he will push me away or turn his head or move away from me – yet he clambers all over his dad and cuddles and kisses him regularly. 

I try so, so hard to make him happy every day. I try so hard to make him feel cherished, treasured, loved and happy. I try to take him to nice places, play games with him, read books to him, take him for walks, to the swing, in the garden, to see the fish at the aquarium…. I buy him nice toys and new clothes and I plan his dinners and make sure we always have clean bedding and a tidy house and that bath time is fun. Yet, I still feel this kind of indifference from him towards me. 

This morning I woke before he did. I got up, had a wee, made a cup of tea, prepared his milk and waited for him to wake. I was in a good mood, I had luckily had a good amount of sleep and aside from my cold, I was ready for a good day.  He woke at a really nice time and I headed in. Often he is miserable when I get him up. His Dad even jokes that he prefers him getting him up…. (Not a joke I fear). 

He was fine, in a good mood. Not overjoyed to see me, but not miserable so that was good. Anyway, within a couple of hours something went wrong. I laid him down to change his pooey nappy and he screamed and was trying to twist away, smudging poo everywhere. He started to cry and scream and within seconds I was furious. I shouted at him to stay still, tried to hold him down but he twisted away and as I shouted again, he cried louder and then proceeded to wee all over my leg, the changing mat, himself…. 

I felt like I completely lost control. I did not know how to get back in control and my emotions were everywhere. I felt like I could have killed someone I was so angry. Clearly that anger is hugely disproportionate to the situation at hand… but this is all part of the bigger picture you see. I feel like he doesn’t like/ love me and therefore I feel like a total failure of a mum. I can’t even get his nappy changed. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. He rushed off to his dad (of course) which naturally just added fuel to the fire. 

I sat in his room and balled my eyes out. I am actually still crying now and it’s been about an hour. I’m writing this out because I have nobody to say it to who can help me with it all so maybe this will release some of the feelings. 

Now I’m trying very hard to think rationally, to think outside of the emotions I’m feeling and I’m asking myself what my therapist would say if I were to tell her all of this. I am pretty sure she would say that it’s got something to do with my own mother and that perhaps something is being triggered or replayed – I wonder if this is how my own mother felt about me. Did she feel like I didn’t like/love/need her? Is that why she went the way she did towards me? Or am i feeling like my baby doesn’t love me in the same way I felt my mother didn’t love me as a baby?  

I don’t know. 

All I do know is that ouch, it bloody hurts so much. 

I’ve wanted to be a mummy forever. I wanted a baby so badly. He really is a dream come true. I love him so, so much and I want to kiss him and cuddle him and all of those things, but right now all I am feeling is like a resistance from him and the feeling that I’m a shit mum, one who gets too stressed and moody and too angry. I also know I am getting stressed and moody and angry because I feel like I’m failing so it’s all a bit of a viscous circle. 

I know babies cry. Babies sometimes have moods or get frustrated or don’t want their nappy changed, obviously I’m not expecting him to be perfectly behaved every second of every day. It just feels like when he’s crying or angry or winging it’s because of me. Because he doesn’t want me, because I am not able to help him. It’s me who is making me angry, not him. 

I gave my job up to be a stay at home mum which was a dream come true. Now because of money I’m probably going to have to go back to work part time. Leaving him makes my heart cry, but days like this make me feel he would be happier away from me anyway and that’s painful too. If I go back to work then our attachment might get worse! That’s the dream over for good then. 

I don’t know any other mums who feel like I do. I look around and all my friends’ babies dote on their mummy’s. If I told any of them how I felt I think they would think I was crazy and obviously it’s extremely embarrassing to share these feelings with anyone. 

11 thoughts on “Cry Baby, Cry Mummy

  1. So nice you see you back! Congrats on your baby too.
    Sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad at the moment, it seems like things feel really final for you, that if your baby doesn’t love you the dream is over. Do you feel like you could go into therapy again and get support to work through why this might be? My initial thoughts are, I’d probably try to ask myself what I’m really scared of if hypothetically by baby didn’t want to attach to me. Would it be because I need the baby to meet my own need to feel loved? Or would it be that I’d feel bad about myself for not meeting his needs? Or a mixture? I’d try to work out what the underlying fear is really saying to me perhaps. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow hello! I didn’t expect anyone to still see my posts! How lovely to “see” you again. Thanks for reading, it’s been a while hasn’t it.

      I can’t go back unfortunately as I am so broke now I’m not working. I would if I could for sure. I feel like this is something I would really benefit from talking to T about.

      T used to warn me that having a baby could trigger some issues for me within my childhood / about my relationship with my mum – so maybe that is what’s happening. Who knows.

      It’s a good question you ask. The answer is, I want so badly to parent better than I was patented. I want my baby to feel securely attached to me, to feel happy, safe and loved and I suppose I worry that he doesn’t so yes, I fear I’m not meeting his needs. I worry he sees me as cold and unloving like I saw my mother – even though I try so hard to make sure he knows I love him so much. Xx

      Like

      1. I don’t think you could possibly be like your mother, because she wasn’t authentic. As long as you are being authentic he will know it, because that’s what children pick up on. That means you don’t have to ‘perform enough loving actions’ to prove to him how you feel; he’ll sense it anyway. I wonder if it’s just that he’s picking up on you trying too hard, and you are hyper-vigilant to his responses and therefore over-compensating… it might be that. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That makes sense, thank you for saying that. I am definitely authentic in my feelings for him. I just look at him and think I just want to scoop him up and cuddle him he’s like getttt offfff 😂

        I am hyper-vigilant yes, always have been…. Maybe you’re right. I’m worried it could be some kind of PND but seems a bit late for that xx

        Like

      3. What about if you experiment with stopping the cuddles you feel he should need, and give them when he comes to you for them. I don’t know, but just a thought if he’s picking up on you over-compensating…. I’m no parenting expert tho, so I don’t know lol

        Like

  2. Hi TT – glad to hear you have ended up with a little one! It’s hard to parent though when you weren’t properly parented yourself – I found that to be the case. And I also found having a baby very triggering unfortunately. I’d say your feelings are coming from your past pretty much 100%. Your baby is not sophisticated enough to dislike his mother, not yet! Maybe you could reach out for support to a mothers group or a parents group? Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Ellen, ah thank you. Yes, I was blessed with a little boy who is now 14 months old.

      I think it’s almost 100% likely my feelings are coming from my past too, I just haven’t quite worked out what’s happening exactly. I’ve been thinking about it all day though and it’s the first time I’ve written in a very long time.

      I’m sorry you found having a baby so triggering 😢 my T did warn me this could happen.

      When you write “dislike his mother” I feel so stupid. I know I sound insane, but that’s the feeling …. It’s very weird!!

      I have mummy friends but nobody who had a background like mine or who would understand these feelings. They are deep huh xx

      Like

  3. TT! You posted! I am so happy to hear that baby boy is here. Less happy – but not surprised – hear that his arrival and the challenge of motherhood is bringing stuff up. Of course it does! You weren’t parented as you should have been, so you don’t have the confidence in an internalized map to see you through. I was the same – I started therapy when my twins were 3 years old because of all the stuff that parenthood was bringing for me.

    Now, babies are deeply intuitive and intelligent little beings — they can feel the rejection of an negligent parent and build synapses in their brain around that trauma. BUT. They are not yet wired to reject you.. and odds are it is the STRENGTH of the attachment to the primary caregiver (mama with the boobmilk!) that is leading him to feel like he can explore the world with daddy. I remember feeling very thrown when my kids started choosing my partner over me for things — indeed, I felt rejected. But that rejection wasn’t from my kids- it was from my own poor attachment and disorganized, anxious attachment style with my parents.

    Also, we ALLLLLLL have *those* moments – you know, the ones where we yell, lose our shit, show up in the wrong way, etc etc… and kids know how to push buttons. You know what, though? as in therapy, so it be in life: what follows rupture is repair. Apologize. Explain that mummy was very upset and yelled, she wished she hadn’t done that and she’ll try to do better. My kids are 7 and I have lost my shit more than I would like to admit, but I always, Always, make sure to let them see me take responsibility for it and apologize to them. It doesn’t matter if he can’t understand the word – say them anyway, and it will become a routine way for you to deal with these things as they come up later.

    Finally, parenting after infertility and treatment is extra hard – you worked so hard for this, you wanted it so badly! And then it’s not all what you expect.. it’s like you’re starting off a race already sort of emotionally tired. This is a real thing! In fact, my BFF is going through it right now.

    I hope you have can swing *some* therapy as time goes on.. I feel like T could be a huge support through all this. She must have been so thrilled for you to have a baby! If not now, maybe when he’s able to go to the part-time nursery or be with a child-minder. In the meantime, use all those great skills she taught you to get through! and keep checking in here – we miss you!

    lots of love to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg you’re still here!! So lovely to hear from you, thanks so much for reading my post after all this time !!! I’ve not written anything in such a long time but was feeling awful when i typed this and just needed to rant.

      That’s a really, REALLY, good point……. Even when my own mother rejected me as a child, I still desperately wanted her to love me… so of course it’s very unlikely my child would be just deliberately deciding to not love me for no actual reason 😂

      Do you think it’s feeling the pain of the lack of attachment both you and I had with our own parent(s) that’s triggered by our babies then? I have a feeling it’s this but don’t know how to articulate that.

      Rupture and repair!! Gah!! Words I’ve not heard for such a long time but yessssssssss sooooo true.

      Therapy is unlikely sadly, I can barely pay for food shopping at the moment but maybe one day things will be different. I do know T would be an amazing help with this stuff, but hey… what can I do. Just hope she’s helped me enough over all the years to try to think my way through some of it.

      Xxx

      Like

  4. So glad to see you here and congratulations on your little boy. So happy for you.

    I’m just going to say one thing, babies absolutely hate their mums. They scream, they rage, they are devastated when you leave the room. None of this makes you a bad mum. Let him hate you. The kid that can hate their mum is securely attached. Trust me.
    Sending so many hugs – being a mum is tough when you’ve got a sketchy template to be working with. You’ve got this xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s