Ahhh finally I am writing.. I’ve been desperate to write for what feels like an eternity but we’ve been away on holiday with the kids and I’m only back to work today (not that I’m typing this up at work…. Honest!).
The Holiday and the stepkids
So first of all, the holiday with the kids was a success. I was worrying needlessly about my stepdaughter and all the issues that arose the last few weeks and it seems the excitement of the holiday took over any other issues and she was good as gold with me the whole trip. I think it may have done us the world of good to be around each other for those 4 days, day and night and perhaps it reassured her that I wasn’t suddenly going to change – that her Dad wasn’t going to change and that life was very much carrying on as normal. So I am really relieved about that.
There was a slight downer when my fiancé was leaving to take the kids back to their mother’s house when she ran straight out and got into the car without saying goodbye to me (this also happened last weekend)… I always find this difficult. My fiancé said to me “did she say goodbye to you?” and I said no. He told me to go and open her car door and say goodbye but I said no – why should I chase her like that? It is just uncomfortable and awkward then. He told me I was cutting my nose off to spite my face but I disagreed. As they drove off down the road, I waved as usual and heard him say “you could at least wave couldn’t you?” and so I closed the door and burst into tears.
I was crying because of the shit way the holiday had ended. For me the lack of her saying goodbye and the lack of any of them saying they had a good time (maybe even a thank you?) was upsetting and disappointing. I felt like I had put so much effort into making the holiday fun for everyone, not to mention being a general maid, chef, photo-taker and all the rest of it and it felt upsetting that it didn’t end with a nice hug goodbye and a thank you/I enjoyed it…
Mid-cry I thought to myself perhaps that isn’t the only reason I’m crying.. what else could it be? Could it be because I would miss them? Is it something else? I’m still working on this but me and T touched on it last night in therapy and she thinks that there is a trigger somewhere because this often happens to me at the door. There is something in them all driving off and “leaving me behind” that I struggle with and I also often cry when I leave myself, for instance I’ve cried when I’ve left therapy a few times now and I’ve also cried when leaving my Dad’s and my Nan’s in the past few years (as well as my Dad leaving my house).
Me and T also discussed the fact that it could be that the reason she doesn’t say goodbye to me is because she finds it hard to say goodbye because it’s difficult for her leaving. I hadn’t ever thought of this before because she always seems to rush off but T told me to remember how I felt when I had to go home after being at my Nan’s for a weekend and I thought about that and found it quite a surprising thought. She said that sometimes kids/people have to turn something bad or ruin something in order to make it easier to leave it… she said it was worth thinking about. T also said that she wondered if when I cried, I was carrying something not only for myself but for them/her too.
I told T that the youngest boy had said to me that afternoon that he couldn’t wait to see his mum. I admitted to T that it hurt when he said that and that I felt stupid for feeling that way – of course the kid missed his mother. T said that it is hard for me because I take on that mum role when I’m with the kids and particularly after 4 days and nights of being “mum” I told her I knew it was silly for me to take it personally and said I had to remind myself of how I feel when T has been away and I can’t wait to see her again – she nodded and said that was a good way to think about it.
Thinking about it now, perhaps it was also some sort of jealousy that his homecoming would be nice and welcoming and homely and mine never was? Its possible.
Work and my ex-friend
In other news, I sent the email as per my post a few weeks ago now. I didn’t and have not received a response which I am actually very grateful for BUT it hasn’t been smooth sailing unfortunately. The Monday after I sent the email (on the Friday night), she began walking by me staring at me for ages (like holding my gaze with dirty looks for 5-10 seconds at a time, not just a quick look) – she would shake her head when she passed me at work and would tut and turn her nose up at me if I was in her eye line… I was struggling with this but didn’t react at all as per T’s advice (and all of that on the internet). I wasn’t sure this was going to stop and so I made a note in my work book of every time she did something, when and who was there and I coincidentally had my appraisal at work and so I did tell my supervisor what was going on. She told me to monitor it and said she would be happy to speak to her for me if it was becoming difficult. I said I was going away for nearly a week and so I hoped the time apart would help – it’s my first day back today and I haven’t seen her yet so we will see. HOWEVER..
However, she decided to email our mutual friend who is currently off on maternity leave about the whole situation and needless to say, it isn’t an accurate or truthful description of what happened but her “side” of it which is full of inaccuracies… In the email to our friend she says that she waited weeks for my huff to “blow over” and that eventually she sent me her email to find out what was going on. She claims that when I got engaged, she came into work and congratulated me, said my ring was beautiful and said how happy she was for me (the only truth in that is that she did say the word congratulations – but with a very straight-face and she walked off instantly). She then said that THAT evening I blocked her on Facebook (not true – I had blocked her a week previous). She said to our friend that she is very hurt by my words, that she would never treat someone like that and that I said I “don’t need her anymore” (I didn’t say that).
She later went on to say to our friend that when she returned to work from mat leave, she would need to draw up a rota for the days our friend would lunch with me and the days she would have lunch with her!!! Firstly that is a stupid thing to say but secondly it made me laugh because it just shows you the whole point of our row – the woman is obsessed with lunch breaks and who will be with her. She then made a comment of “if she is still here then because she had signed up to an agency a few weeks ago”.. which was a pretty shady thing for her to 1) tell our friend as it was private but 2) write from her work email address particularly considering redundancies are rumoured.
Anyway, my friend has told her she doesn’t want to say too much and doesn’t want to get involved which is good of her and I’ve told my friend that she should tell her she doesn’t want to hear any more if she carries on because it isn’t fair on her. Our poor friend isn’t even back until May next year!
That aside, she has been going to lunch with various other women here at work (all funnily enough people she’s disliked previously) and one of them are no longer acknowledging me – probably I assume, because she believes her victim story. It really is no skin off of my nose but I will admit the whole thing is very exhausting.
Dream – Baby
And as a non-important side note, I had a dream on Monday night that I had a baby girl. She was wrapped up warm in a blanket and I absolutely adored her. Her name was Kia and in the dream this seemed to relate to chicken kiev somehow! haha don’t ask me why although I had eaten garlic bread that night!
In the dream I touched her face gently and she started to “talk” in baby language and laugh, it melted my heart and I felt happiness and love like I never have before. I was so proud to be her mum and I had so much love for her. I woke up remembering this dream VERY vividly (still do actually) and had wanted to talk to T about it last night but ran out of time. I wonder why I am dreaming of having a baby and feeling those feelings so intensely – I am wondering what that symbolises but have a feeling its to do with the kids and holiday stuff somehow. How can I feel something so strongly from a dream that I’ve never felt in real life? It is so strong!!