I feel weird right now. I have all sorts of feelings going on and I feel all sort of… muddled up and unsure of them. It’s hard to explain.
I met my mother and sister for lunch today, we were there about an hour and then I took my car to be cleaned and sat in a queue for literally 40 minutes trying NOT to think about it all but now I am home and I have an hour to myself.
I have cried a few tears but again, I’m not sure what they were for exactly. Confusion, sadness.. something else?
This might be a surprising post from me and a little different to my usual when it comes to my mother (believe me, I am just as surprised).
Last night I was in the bath reading a book and thinking about today and I felt the urge to text my mum and tell her that I was looking forward to seeing her. Almost automatically, I told myself no, I don’t do things like that.. but then I refused to listen to that and decided it was how I feeling and so what did I have to lose? I sent it and she replied immediately saying she was also looking forward to it and we had a few messages about a programme she was watching. That programme was “Dirty John”. She said she kept having to pause it because it was shocking her and making her anxious and stressed and I found myself wondering if she could see how that story could have so easily been about us. Me, her and my sister. I nearly said that, but thought better of it.
Anyway, I got there a while before my sister today and found her walking around the garden centre. I took her a card and a bunch of tulips and we walked around the plants together for about 5 minutes before going into the tea rooms. We mainly chatted about a house that I am viewing tomorrow that I have fallen in love with already and she told me that she has already seen it because my aunty was thinking of buying it but had decided not to (can you believe that?).
Anyway, conversation was fine. I felt a familiar sense of kind of nervousness or awkwardness or something but not badly.. just it was there. Anyway we ate our lunch and chatted about various things. At one point they were talking about my aunty’s celebration and how lovely the venues were etc… I surprised myself at feeling a bit left out but they didn’t seem to notice that or it didn’t cross their minds that I might feel that way.
And then we all walked to our cars and went our own ways.
The feeling I am left with which surprises me is I feel sad at how distant and disconnected things feel. It might not make much sense to read this, but I feel in touch with missing her. She feels so far away. WE feel so distant. It feels so sad to me right now.
I’m surprised that I feel this way because most of the time I just want to keep as far away from her and them as I can and only last Sunday I literally CRIED at the thought of “having” to see her. I torchured myself for months about mother’s day and about how fake it all felt for me and how crap it would feel. And it does, but for a different reason to what I was expecting.
I suppose if I am honest with myself, I wanted her to me all mummsy and want to see me for longer. She always seems in such a rush to go and usually that suits me just fine. Not today it seems. I wanted her to suggest we went somewhere else afterwards or I wish she invited me to something or suggested we did something together soon … I don’t know. I just feel like I’ve come away and I feel so…. abandoned? I don’t know. I feel like she’s properly given up on me. I feel like I’m removed .. disconnected… I’m not her daughter anymore and I know that doesn’t make sense, I can’t explain what I mean any better at the moment. Perhaps the feelings are too current.
I finished reading a book this morning, a fiction book and the story is about a grandmother, a mother and an adult daughter. There were various things in the book that made me think and one of those things was how in the story, the adult daughter and her mother had a very distant and awkward relationship – the daughter even called her mother by her name and not mum/mother etc. In the book their relationship improves and also, another woman (also a mother) says that mothers are just women too and how old does a daughter have to be before she realises that – that mothers aren’t just mothers or wives, they are people just like us. It got me thinking. Perhaps it is wishful thinking but I started to think that maybe there is a way that me and my mother can improve our relationship now that I’ve dealt with so much of the old hurt and pain. Now that I don’t need her in the way that I used to. I wondered if perhaps there could be a way that I could build a new relationship with her, one where she was just a woman and so was I… where she didn’t need to be judged on her previous mothering skills … does that make any sense? Anyway, I suppose today when I sat at lunch and felt the obvious emotional distance between us, it hurt because it feels like she’s moved on from me (and again, I know that doesn’t make much sense either).
I feel like I’ve been left behind or something.
Her and my sister are so clearly close nowadays and I know that people say things will change if my sister doesn’t do what my mother says or wants etc, but I haven’t seen any evidence of that. It’s like my mother has changed now that my sister has moved out and their relationship is more adult. Perhaps it would be the same for me?
I kind of feel that I’ve pulled away so much that it all lost. I feel like it could never be anything more than it is now and that I’ve caused so much damage – irretrievable damage?
I also know that anything I’ve done I had to do at the time and I needed to do for myself. For my own sake. To heal and to try and process my childhood pain and how that still effected me as an adult. I don’t blame myself for it but it feels very sad right now that this is where we are.
I don’t know what I was expecting. Perhaps I’ve just been triggered into the little girl and I will feel differently later or tomorrow. My heart just hurts a bit right now is all.
I don’t know why the sudden wish for it all to be made better.. I find myself sitting here at home on my own and visualising sitting at her house with her. I visualise sitting in her garden with her just chatting and visualise going there after work on a Friday and staying over the night, with no rush to leave and the comfort of that. That is weird because I haven’t done either of those things in years – literally years and they were very seldom nice times anyway.. often she would tear me apart in some way about my weight or clothes or my boyfriend of the time etc. It’s all fantasy stuff I suppose. It’s the wishful-thinking.. rose-tinted glasses thing I guess…
I thought I was dreading seeing her and I thought I would be relieved once it was all over as quickly as possible but actually the effect is quite different. I feel a real hole in my heart this afternoon and I’ve cried as I’ve sat and typed this entire post.
I wonder how she is feeling but I have this horrible sense that she is absolutely fine – happy and I’m crying like an idiot because she is “over it” all and for some reason I am left behind wishing it was different/that she felt different. Of course I actually have no evidence of any of it.
It isn’t that I wish things could go from what they are now – non-existent to absolutely everything but I wish there could be more than what there currently is. I wish my husband would tolerate her and I wish I could forgive her husband and her enough to move on with a new future. I just don’t think some of those things can happen. It makes me very, very sad.
edit: I liken this feeling to having broken up with someone for a good reason and then meeting up again in the future and feeling the change and the space between you and someone you used to know so well. Wishing you could get back together but sending that they don’t, that they’ve moved on.