This morning I was watching tele and I suddenly wanted to text my sister. I text her saying “I miss you” and a broken-heart emoji. I sent it and panicked about what response I would or wouldn’t get…. luckily a few minutes later she replied and said “I miss you too”. She replied again to say she couldn’t use her phone until 4pm and would text me later.
I went about the rest of my day and felt instantly lighter. Better. Happier. I went to my session this afternoon (my last ever Thursday session) and spoke about it with T. We pretty much went over the boundaries we had discussed previously. T said she wasn’t sure whether my sister was going to be able to cope with the new boundaries but that time would tell.
This evening my sister text again and we made small talk which seemed to come to an end pretty quickly. I text saying that I wanted to suggest a few things and went on to say that I wanted us to try to have a happy and healthy relationship but that we had to keep it totally separate from our mother etc. She replied with a rather long message about how much I had upset her and listed various things I had done wrong… it was rather lengthy and ended with her saying that although she appreciated me contacting her, it was “still shit”.
I replied and said that I took on board everything she had said and said that I was very sorry for upsetting her. I said I didn’t want to hash it all out because I didn’t think we would be able to agree, and the purpose of me contacting her was to hopefully find a way forward. I said that I needed her to respect my counselling and not talk to me about it, unless it was genuine interest or for advice etc. Unfortunately she hasn’t been particularly forthcoming or warm. In the end I said that perhaps she needed some more time to think about what she wants to do and to contact me when she knew. She didn’t reply to that.
I’m a bit gutted to be honest. Not overally surprised but disappointed. I’m not really sure what more I can do or say. There were many things that I could have thrown back to her that she did and said that upset me, but I didn’t want to go down that path.. I was hoping that she would see I loved her, missed her and wanted to find a way forward but it doesn’t feel that is how she has received it. My fiance said tonight that perhaps she feels a bit like I did/do with my mother in that she needs to resolve the issues and have some validation and that she feels I am doing what my mother does, and am trying to just smooth things over. I said I had hoped that by telling her I had taken on board what she said and by saying I was sorry, that would have helped… something my mother would and has NEVER done… maybe not.
Anyway. I guess I will just have to wait and see. At least I have reached out I guess… the rest is really up to her.
In other news, I left my job last Friday. I haven’t written much about that because so many other things have seemed more important. On my last day, Tina called me into a meeting room in front of some of our colleagues. I was totally unprepared and so followed her into the room where she said she just wanted to say goodbye to me on my last day. I thanked her and then she started to say she didn’t know what had happened between us (lies) and then cried and said “we used to be friends!”. It was so uncomfortable for me as my nature instinct in those type of situations is to hug someone and tell them we can move on… but I didn’t. I held strong and I said that I thanked her for wishing me well and then I left the room. It was awkward as hell. A few hours later, it was my leaving presentation. My boss had prepared a speech and about 30 colleagues gathered around my desk to say goodbye to me. Tina sat right at the very front, on the side of my boss’ desk (everyone else stood behind the desks). It felt totally weird to me and I made a point of not making any eye-contact with her. I can’t work out why she did that. Why would you come to someone’s leaving presentation when you have fallen out on such a huge scale? When I’ve made it so clear that I do not wish to reconcile? Odd. Anyway, tomorrow night is the leaving do for all of us who have left via the voluntary redundancy process and she will be there and I’ve been told she is bringing her best friend from outside of work… the best friend who she told me, hates me since I fell out with her. So I can’t wait for that!!! NOT.
Regarding my mother, last night I was at my fiance’s parents’ house having dinner and I got a Facebook notification. It told me that my mother had “liked” my photo. WHHHATTT????
So, we haven’t had any contact whatsoever for an entire month, including bloody Facebook likes or anything… and then suddenly, randomly, she likes my profile picture. That’s normal. Not. Obviously this started off the anxious thoughts of what does this mean, what is she doing, what is she thinking etc…. aghh like I need that right now.
So I did what any normal girl would do in this situation. I deactivated my Facebook account. LOL. Okay, so that is a bit passive aggressive right? But hey, I am telling myself it is a self-care exercise. I don’t want her doing that, I don’t want to see the photos from the party this coming Saturday and I didn’t want to/feel comfortable blocking about 20 family or friends in order to not have to see things that would annoy me. So there we have it. I am only like, 12 hours in, but so far it feels quite good.
I still haven’t decided whether to write a No Contact letter or not but the closer to Christmas it gets, the more nervous I get. I don’t want to contact her at all – in any way but equally I don’t want to hear from her. Hah, if only I could have my cake and eat it. T said that if I did write a letter, I should keep it non-committal in terms of how long the break would be for or when I would get back into contact with her. She suggested I said something like “I need some space and time away from you and our relationship” (or something along those lines). I told T that I have so many conflicting feelings and because I have learnt so much about narcissism, I understand that narcissism is just a big cover up for feeling very insecure and so that makes me feel a bit sorry for her.. I also said that if she grew up feeling like I did, I felt sorry for her. T said that she could “have some sympathy for the boy Hitler used to be”. She went on to say that I could have sympathy for the young girl my mother was, but that didn’t take away the things she did and does to me now. I got what she was saying.
I explained to T that since I have understood the dynamic in our family and I understood that I had made a fake self to “get” to her as much as is it is possible to get to a narcissist, it has made me determined not to go back to that fake self again. I said to her that now I can’t do that and that the real me, the authentic me, has absolutely nothing in common with my mother at all… that I can’t see how we can have any kind of relationship at all. I’ve said it a hundred times already, but I just can’t see where we go from here.