**Trigger warning regarding sex and child abuse references**
I feel so full of anger right now. I’ve just broken down in tears and all I can think about right now is how much I hate my mother and how she truly is the epitome of selfish. In fact, selfish doesn’t even start to describe her. I’ve always thought of her as selfish for lots of reasons, but they were more generic things… today I am talking about the feelings that have hit me since writing my blog last night and the dream I had the night before. The sex stuff. I have so many feelings about it today that I feel literally sick.
My mother having loud sex was always an issue for me growing up. It may sound strange, but whenever it happened, my heart would beat so hard and so fast. I would always feel sick and I always felt really, really angry and cry. I genuinely used to dread it when I heard her come upstairs to bed or when she would say that she and whatever bloke it was at the time were off to get an “early night”. She would say that with a smug grin so it was obvious what she meant by that.
She still had ridiculously loud sex if I had friends over. That was horrifyingly embarrassing as you can probably imagine. I hated it.
Sometimes when I was a teenager and she was at it again, doing her porn-star bit, I would slam and bash doors, flush the chain numerous times to make lots of noise to somehow hope that would make a difference (Christ knows why!). Obviously it didn’t. If the anger took over, which it occasionally did, I would shout at the top of my voice “SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!”. I would shit myself if I did that because I knew she would come in and go absolutely ballistic at me for ruining her fun. As I wrote yesterday, the words that followed would always be along the lines of how I needed to grow up and how I should move out if I didn’t like it. But clearly I couldn’t fucking move out could I? Where the fuck would I have gone?
As I told my fiance the memories I wrote about yesterday where she had sex in the same room as me when I was 9 and 11, he was horrified. He said it was sex abuse and that she should have been locked up for that. I understood for the first time that it really is abuse, isn’t it? I always thought there was something wrong with me for finding her sexual encounters so disturbing, particularly when I was an older teenager because I felt as though I was being childish and immature.
I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but if my stepchildren came to me and told me that their mother had been having sex with them in the room, I would flip out!
As I told my fiance about one of those memories in more detail, I told him how I just couldn’t understand why you would WANT to have sex with 4 young children asleep on the floor around the hotel bed. What about that situation would turn you on and make you horny? I mean, come on, if me and my fiance were in a bed in a hotel room with his children asleep on the floor around us, sex would be the very, very furthest thing on my mind. In fact as I write this, the first thing I think of is that I would have had the children in the bed and slept on the floor myself!
My fiance said that he thinks the fact us 4 children were all girls was telling. He thinks that she had sex with him in that hotel bed in front of us all because it was her way of marking her territory. He said that he thinks she felt threatened by us female children.
How sick is that?????
The thing is, applying that to more recent times and it makes sense. Her current husband (husband number 4) has 4 adult children. 2 girls and 2 boys. He no longer has contact with the 2 girls, because of my mother. Isn’t that a bit of a coincidence?
My fiance said that he thinks she was so threatened by girls around her men, in case they “chose” them over her…. so then when I told her what her ex-boyfriend did to me…. she was furious and distraught (at first) but later told the child abuse worker that she couldn’t understand why he would have been interested in me because, and I quote, “she was very flat chested”.
Now I see this whole situation differently. She was truly furious and distraught because her worst nightmare had come true, hadn’t it? One of her men really did “pick me”. It explains why she never helped me to deal with that event and said that hurtful line about wanting everyone to feel sorry for me. How could I have been so selfish as to have been sexually abused by HER boyfriend. Why would he have wanted me and not HER?
So now when I think of the times when she had stupidly loud sex all over the house and with her door open, all I can think is that she did it almost to taunt me.. as if she were saying “Look how attractive and sexy he thinks I am. He wants ME, not you”.
And THAT thought, makes me want to bash her stupid, ugly face in.
My mother has often spoke to me about her sex life. She’s told me numerous times in recent years that he has lost her sex drive and that she never wants sex anymore. That husband number 4 gets sulky and so she will “give in” and he will be happy for a few days or a week and she doesn’t have to do it for a while. She tells me how when she met him, he was useless in bed and that she had to “teach him”. This reminded me of how when I got a new boyfriend, including my now fiance, she would ask me what the sex was like and she would question, disbelievingly, “are you sure its good and you don’t just really like him?“. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Why would you want to talk about these things with your daughter? Why would you want to ask those questions?
She used to take me to clubs with her before I was 18. She would try to send me off with men and she would just LOVE it when men would comment that we looked more like sisters than mother and daughter. VOM.
My mother would effectively pimp me out to men in their 40’s when I wasn’t even legally an adult. I ask myself as I write this today, WHY? What did she get from that?
This weekend I am finally seeing the extent of how truly sick she is. In this moment right now, I LAUGH in the face of any guilt I have felt about her feelings over this fall out. She can fuck off out of my life forever.