Cry Baby, Cry Mummy

Okay right now I really wish I had a “normal” mum to speak to. I wish I could pour out all my feelings and cry big snotty tears and let her cuddle me and help me to pick myself back up again because right now, I need that so much. 

Unfortunately I can’t trust my mum with any of these feelings because as crazy and unbelievable as it might sound to some, she would genuinely get a kick from my feelings of failure – particularly where parenting is concerned. 

I’ve had this low-level thought for a while now that my baby doesn’t “like” me. I guess the truth is that I feel like he doesn’t love me. I’ve never said the words out loud before because I know they make me sound really childish and pathetic, but that’s the only way I can explain the feeling I have. 

It’s been there in the background for months now, but as he is getting older and more independent, as his connections and attachments evidently grow with everyone around us, it’s tapping into the fear and worry that it’s not the same with me. 

I am his mummy, I’m meant to be the one he comes to for safety and for cuddles but he doesn’t seem to want to. His dad is the one he goes to for all of those things. He lights up when daddy comes into the room. He is happier with daddy. If I try to kiss him or cuddle him, he will push me away or turn his head or move away from me – yet he clambers all over his dad and cuddles and kisses him regularly. 

I try so, so hard to make him happy every day. I try so hard to make him feel cherished, treasured, loved and happy. I try to take him to nice places, play games with him, read books to him, take him for walks, to the swing, in the garden, to see the fish at the aquarium…. I buy him nice toys and new clothes and I plan his dinners and make sure we always have clean bedding and a tidy house and that bath time is fun. Yet, I still feel this kind of indifference from him towards me. 

This morning I woke before he did. I got up, had a wee, made a cup of tea, prepared his milk and waited for him to wake. I was in a good mood, I had luckily had a good amount of sleep and aside from my cold, I was ready for a good day.  He woke at a really nice time and I headed in. Often he is miserable when I get him up. His Dad even jokes that he prefers him getting him up…. (Not a joke I fear). 

He was fine, in a good mood. Not overjoyed to see me, but not miserable so that was good. Anyway, within a couple of hours something went wrong. I laid him down to change his pooey nappy and he screamed and was trying to twist away, smudging poo everywhere. He started to cry and scream and within seconds I was furious. I shouted at him to stay still, tried to hold him down but he twisted away and as I shouted again, he cried louder and then proceeded to wee all over my leg, the changing mat, himself…. 

I felt like I completely lost control. I did not know how to get back in control and my emotions were everywhere. I felt like I could have killed someone I was so angry. Clearly that anger is hugely disproportionate to the situation at hand… but this is all part of the bigger picture you see. I feel like he doesn’t like/ love me and therefore I feel like a total failure of a mum. I can’t even get his nappy changed. He doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. He rushed off to his dad (of course) which naturally just added fuel to the fire. 

I sat in his room and balled my eyes out. I am actually still crying now and it’s been about an hour. I’m writing this out because I have nobody to say it to who can help me with it all so maybe this will release some of the feelings. 

Now I’m trying very hard to think rationally, to think outside of the emotions I’m feeling and I’m asking myself what my therapist would say if I were to tell her all of this. I am pretty sure she would say that it’s got something to do with my own mother and that perhaps something is being triggered or replayed – I wonder if this is how my own mother felt about me. Did she feel like I didn’t like/love/need her? Is that why she went the way she did towards me? Or am i feeling like my baby doesn’t love me in the same way I felt my mother didn’t love me as a baby?  

I don’t know. 

All I do know is that ouch, it bloody hurts so much. 

I’ve wanted to be a mummy forever. I wanted a baby so badly. He really is a dream come true. I love him so, so much and I want to kiss him and cuddle him and all of those things, but right now all I am feeling is like a resistance from him and the feeling that I’m a shit mum, one who gets too stressed and moody and too angry. I also know I am getting stressed and moody and angry because I feel like I’m failing so it’s all a bit of a viscous circle. 

I know babies cry. Babies sometimes have moods or get frustrated or don’t want their nappy changed, obviously I’m not expecting him to be perfectly behaved every second of every day. It just feels like when he’s crying or angry or winging it’s because of me. Because he doesn’t want me, because I am not able to help him. It’s me who is making me angry, not him. 

I gave my job up to be a stay at home mum which was a dream come true. Now because of money I’m probably going to have to go back to work part time. Leaving him makes my heart cry, but days like this make me feel he would be happier away from me anyway and that’s painful too. If I go back to work then our attachment might get worse! That’s the dream over for good then. 

I don’t know any other mums who feel like I do. I look around and all my friends’ babies dote on their mummy’s. If I told any of them how I felt I think they would think I was crazy and obviously it’s extremely embarrassing to share these feelings with anyone. 

Fertility update

Yesterday I had another appointment at the clinic. It was a pretty big day for us yesterday and the first day we were going to get any actual answers about what is/could be causing us difficulties. After 3 years of not knowing anything, I was SO excited for this day to arrive.

As we drove there yesterday morning I started to feel a little sick with nerves. There were SO many possibilities about the news we could get. We could be told that our struggle was “unexplained” or we could be told there were serious problems. We could be told there was an easy fix or no fix at all.. that we could try certain drugs first or that we would have to go straight to the BIG treatments. On top of that, I had to have my physical exam and though I had read quite a bit about it and had read it was nothing to worry about whatsoever, I was nervous because I actually found my last smear pretty horrible. 

We arrived at the clinic just before 9am and waited for my husband to be called in to do his bit (SA). This was his third one and so that wasn’t really a big deal but he was a bit freaked out because the other tests he has done he has done at home – this was going to be done at the clinic and, I mean, even as a woman I can understand that must be weird as hell!! He has since told me all about the room and what was said to him before/after and though we laughed our heads off, I have to admit I am surprised that more men don’t have a mental block. Hubby said that there was a TV in there (for some visual stimulation lol) but he said he didn’t dare turn the TV on because he was petrified the sound would come blaring out and everyone in the waiting room would hear it and know it was him and think he was a perv! LOL. Oh this still makes me laugh now.

We were then meant to wait until 10am for my appointment but annoyingly we were still sitting in the waiting room at 10.30 and I was getting anxious. The waiting room was empty apart from us so I started to panic that they had scheduled us wrong and we wouldn’t end up being seen and then I wouldn’t get any answers agghhh (luckily that didn’t happen). Finally the consultant came to get us and took us into a private room and then asked me to follow him into another room for the exam. Hubby was apparently meant to/allowed to come but clearly freaked out and decided to stay where he was LOL. So off I went.

I have to say, the physical exam was nothing. The worst part about it was the initial inserting of the camera device bit being a bit uncomfortable (not as bad as a smear though) and the rest was fine! I got to watch the screen and the consultant started to talk me through what he was looking at. He told me that I had a “beautiful uterus” which made me LOL and me and the nurse joked about how that is a compliment you don’t get to hear every day (though I suspect she probably does if truth be told). He then told me that there were no cysts or fibroids, no POLYPS, no endo etc. That was great to hear. He then said he was going to count my follicles on one side and he counted 4. I had no idea whether that was good or bad – he said he wanted more. Luckily he then started to find more and ended up finding 9 on one side and 8 on the other. Apparently that is fine. 

He said something about my tubes but to be honest I don’t really know what he was looking for because I have read before that they can’t get a good look at your tubes from an internal ultrasound – who knows. Regardless, all looked good and then we were done and I was able to get dressed and go and join him and my husband in the other room.

I was relieved that bit was over and now excited for the longgggg awaited answers!!

The consultant started by saying to me and my husband that my scan was good and that there were no problems at all. YAY. He then said he had my blood results and that my AMH was fine (I can’t remember the exact number now but it was in the “normal” range apparently. He then said my vitamin D levels were high (which apparently was a good thing) and he said “I don’t know how you have managed that because I am darker skinned than you so mine should be higher than yours”.) He said “what do you do?” and I said I didn’t know, but that I did take supplements – he told me to continue taking them. 

All good so far then.

He then said to my husband “right, you’re up” and he clicked onto his name on his computer and brought up his SA results. As said before, he has had a few so we weren’t worried about his results. He started to talk us through the results and all was good. He then told us the percentage of “normal” swimmers my hub has and we were so happy because the normal is 4% and the last few tests my husband had 2%. Yesterday he had 6% and we were made up because he quit smoking 3 weeks ago and has been taking the conception vitamins and so this felt like real evidence of how hard he had tried AND how much smoking effected things. I was also secretly really pleased because I knew he would really feel good about getting his results up from 2% and below average to 6% and above average – partly for fertility/health reasons and partly for male pride/ego!!!

And so we moved on.. back to me.

The consultant said to me “thyroid” and I thought to myself “I bet there’s a problem”… I was right. Weirdly I was quite happy as he indicated something wasn’t right which I know sounds really odd but I had been hoping for such a long time that the doctors would find something fairly simple wrong with me that could easily be fixed. 

I would explain the ins and outs of my thyroid problem but to be honest I can’t because it is sooo confusing. The short version of the story is that my brain is telling my thyroid to work harder than it should be/needs to and that a particular level for pregnant women/women trying to conceive is no higher than 2 and that mine was nearly 6. Whoa! He then said that he was concerned that the reason for this was an auto-immune disease and so he said he wanted me to have an Anti-TPO blood test. This will tell us whether my thyroid problem is caused from an auto-immune disease such as Graves Disease. Basically my immune system could be making antibodies that attack my thyroid. 

My husband asked if this could be the cause of us not being able to conceive but he didn’t really answer that straight (he tended to talk fast and he did talk to us like we were doctors to be honest – sometimes I had to ask him to clarify things he was saying). The general gist of his response was “no” because personally I still ovulate each month, BUT he said that my thyroid the way it is would not be able to support a baby if I were pregnant and so it needs to be sorted. I asked whether I would need medication for the thyroid issue and he said yes but that the first step was to have the blood test and find out what the cause was.

I have since Goggled the life out of this stuff and actually being pregnant before this is controlled would be pretty dangerous! It says that having Graves disease (or another autoimmune thyroid disease) which was not under control could cause miscarriage, pre-term labour, stillbirth, preeclampsia, maternal heart failure, poor foetal growth. Agghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Totally freaking out about this atm. So obviously this needs to be sorted ASAP.

He then said that it may be worth me having a HyCoSy (test to check my fallopian tubes are clear and not blocked). I was dreading him saying that to be honest because I have heard and read bad things about how painful it is – waaaahhh (yes I know, get over it if you want a baby..). He said he would be very surprised if I had any blockages given my background, lack of pregnancy, abortion or miscarriage and given how healthy my uterus was BUT it was worth checking and also, you can’t have IUI if your tubes are blocked. I told him that we had already paid for this test as part of our package and so I felt it was worth doing (as much as I hate to admit it).

Saying that, I have read that if your tubes are not blocked or even if they have a very tiny amount of tissue in them, this test kinda acts as a bit of a jet-wash and can really help. There are a lot of articles and forums online where women say they struggled to conceive for many years and then had this tube test and fell pregnant that same cycle or a cycle or two afterwards – imagiiinnneeee that!!

The doctor then went on to say that in summary my hub’s swimmers are great, my uterus is great and that we have age and BMI on our side. He said that I have regular cycles and ovulate naturally which were all really good. He said we basically had 3 options:

1)   Continue to try – but he understood that after 3 years, we may want to not wait much longer;

2)   Attempt IUI; or

3)   Attempt IVF.

He then spoke us through the differences between IUI and IVF. He showed us diagrams and photos and spoke about the pain and costs associated with both. To be honest I already knew a fair bit of what he was telling us (again – thanks Google!) but my hub looked completely lost lol. 

He told us that he didn’t think IUI was really that worthwhile for us because of our particular situation (i.e. that there were no obvious problems, thyroid aside). I asked him what the benefit would be and he said (whilst showing us a diagram) that it would mean we had all the very best swimmers (dead/abnormal ones cleaned away) and that they would be inserted via a catheter right up to my tubes meaning they had a much better chance of getting where they needed to go basically. He said the chances of success were between 15-20% for us. 

We then spoke about IVF and he told us about the drugs and injections and how the eggs would be taken out, fertilised (hopefully) and put back in. I asked him how painful each step of that was and he answered. He told us that the chances of success were higher and for us, about 54%. So quite a big difference in terms of success rates. Annoyingly the price difference is quite big too. A round of “natural” IUI (no hormones or drugs) would cost us £1,100. A round of full on IVF would be £5,000 but there are “extras” which total nearly another £1,000 and whilst you don’t need the extras, I think most people probably take them because if you are going to put yourself through this much and spend that much – I imagine you feel you would be mad not to pay the extra and get all the extra help you can. I know others may not feel like that. I don’t know how I feel yet.

We then left the room and went to speak to a nurse about the costs involved in all our different options and then I had the blood test for the thyroid thing and booked in the HyCoSy (tube test) for next week. I then had to do a urine test because they have to check you for chlamydia before they test your tubes. 

And then we finally left with what felt like a gazillion leaflets and A LOT to think about.

I felt happy. Hubby didn’t seem to feel half as happy as me – I wasn’t sure why. Unfortunately hubby had to go to work after and so we both had the rest of the day separate and unable to discuss anything but it gave us time to digest it all a little and I got to speak to T. 

Finally last night we went for a drive and had a chat about it all and we came up with an action plan (I have to have one otherwise I let it totally preoccupy me for days/weeks). Our action plan is:

1)   Get results back re thyroid/auto-immune system disease and sort out medication for that. I need to find out how long the meds will take to work properly – enough that if I were to fall pregnant, neither myself or the baby would be at risk. This is clearly the most important step for now.

2)   Get tube test done next week and find out if tubes are blocked or open as that will help decide future steps.

3)   Once tubes have been jet-washed (and we know they are open (fingers crossed) AND my thyroid has been sorted out – potentially we could try naturally for another few cycles).

4)   Then (if tubes open) try a round of IUI. Despite the doctor telling us the success rates, we feel it would be worth a shot because we don’t have a spare £6k and it would take us a long while to save that amount PLUS once everything else has been hopefully fixed, it might just give us a little helping hand without having to go through the gruelling hormones and injections and egg harvesting etc. We feel it is worth a go even if the odds aren’t fantastic.

5)   Lastly: save for IVF.

I feel quite good today. I mean, there is clearly a lot of stuff to take in and fully understand here and I am slightly concerned about this autoimmune thing. I am nervous about what that could mean if I were to get pregnant but I am relieved that I know the other things are in our favour (no cysts, good sperm, good egg supply etc). It could certainly be worse.

That’s where we are now… I am just being a scaredy-cat about the tube test next week and I will probably Google more things and then wish I hadn’t – clearly I have a Google addiction.

If anyone has been through any of this and would like to leave me a comment, I would really love to hear your thoughts/stories! Anyone with Graves or thyroid issues that has had trouble conceiving or anyone that is/was on thyroid meds and had a pregnancy? Anything really – I don’t have anyone in my “real” life to talk to so I would love a conversation. 

Twink x

Infertility heartache

Today I walked into a gift shop and found myself surrounded by teddies and baby toys. I decided it would be nice to buy my sister in law a gift because she’s pregnant and we are staying together in the same house at the moment. I found it hard to pick what to buy her because everything was so darn cute. After much deliberation I picked a Winnie the Pooh classic comforter and a little gift bag and went and paid for it. As I walked out the shop, I suddenly felt this sadness rush over me. I pulled the comforter out of the bag and said to my husband “God I want a baby so much it actually hurts. I wish I was buying this for our baby”. He said “I know” and looked sad and a little awkward. He admitted that as soon as he walked into the shop and had seen all the teddies, he knew I would feel like that.

Anyway, we carried on our day and a couple of hours later we went into a cute tea rooms for a snack. As I sat down I was drawn to a young mother breastfeeding her tiny baby. I looked away in case I embarrassed her and also in case she thought I was weird(!) but my eyes kept being drawn back to them. At one point the baby was laying on the table between its mother and father who were both cooeing over it and making all sorts of baby voices and noises and who both looked utterly in love. Without even processing any conscious thoughts my eyes filled with tears and I felt like I could cry a river. I coughed and dipped my drink and tried to distract myself with the menu. My husband obviously noticed something was up and asked what but I told him I would tell him later because I would cry.

I’m not sure if he knew or not, or whether he figured it out – I don’t even know if it matters whether he knew or not really.

I joked to my husband earlier that my ovaries hurt where I’m so desperate to have a baby but it’s not even really a joke at all. I’ve never felt anything like it before. It’s a horrible combination of a kind of grief mixed with a loss, mixed with jealousy and of shame (for me at least). It can make me feel so angry and so bitter when I see so many people with babies, or who are pregnant and I hate that – who admits that? It makes me so frustrated when well meaning family say things like “it will happen when you least expect it” or something along those lines.

Yesterday we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and we had the most perfect day. We went away to a gorgeous hotel just the two of us and we spoilt ourselves with afternoon tea, glasses of wine, delicious food, a nap(!!), a bath in a roll-top bath and beautiful walks around the grounds. I felt lucky, I felt loved and yes, I admit, it crossed my mind that sometimes having the freedom to do these things is lovely.

But….

But the realisation of it being a year since our wedding makes it all the more painful that another year has passed us by without us having got pregnant. Sometimes it feels like life is passing us by and I panic and worry it’s really never going to happen.

My husband wants a baby with me I know he does BUT he has had 3 children and he already has the love and experiences and memories of them. His life wouldn’t be ruined without another child – mine feels like it would be completely ruined.

I think that can make the struggle even more difficult sometimes, it can make the longing and sadness feel quite lonely. For example my husband is currently napping on the sofa and I’m writing this with tears running down my cheeks.

I want a baby so badly. I want to be a mummy so much. I want to hold a baby and feel it grip my finger. I want to smile and watch it feed or fall to sleep. I want to experience being pregnant and giving birth (yes, even that!). I want the excitement of wondering what the child will be like, who they will become, what they will like and dislike and I want them to be happy.

I’m in love with a baby that doesn’t even exist yet.

That’s all really…. I just needed to write that and get it out of my head. Maybe I’ll feel less lonely putting this out there to be read by others. I’m not looking for any advice or anything, I just needed to put it down on paper (well, a screen).

Sending love to anyone else that may be experiencing similar feelings.

👶 💓