So yesterday was the day. I went to lunch with my mother and sister. It was the first time I’ve seen my mother since THAT night in October and following a 6 month period of no contact.
I didn’t really have any feelings about it yesterday which I found a bit unsettling I suppose. I drove there wondering what would happen and how I would feel when I was there and when I left. Something felt odd, it was like I had switched something off inside me.. .flatness is the best way I can think to describe it.
I arrived first, still no feelings.. sat in the car for about 2 minutes and then saw my sister’s car pull up. I got out of my car and locked it and walked towards them, my mother came towards me and hugged me hello. It wasn’t some fairy-tale embrace with affection and tears.. I just felt awkward. She looked at my car and said “what’s that? A fiesta? What happened to your old one?”. I told her I had scrapped my old car and she laughed (she often used to tell me it was a shit heap which used to really insult me).
We went inside and sat at our table, ordered drinks and food etc. It was going okay I suppose.. nothing really great or terrible.. just .. you know..
She put 3 bottles of perfume down on the table in front of us, and said I could pick one. I asked her why she had brought so many and she said one was for me, one for herself and one for “my little mate at work” (after some investigating “little mate at work” is her newest impressionable daughter figure. She has always had one of these, they change regularly, always aged between about 20 and 30.. there’s been several over the years and I always hated them because she gave them what she could never give me. I internally rolled my eyes and admit (as much as I hate myself for it..) that it has played on my mind today. God it annoys me.
And then she started asking about my wedding. I told her that most things were done, the bridesmaid dresses, the wedding car, DJ, flowers etc but that I still had a lot of the stationery stuff to do like the table names and that kind of thing. My sister asked what the tables were going to be named after and I said “you’ll have to wait and see!” and my mother said “what’s with all this secrecy? Is that the latest craze or something?” I said it isn’t unusual to want to keep some things a surprise and not tell everything. She asked if we had chosen our songs and I said we had and that we were keeping those a surprise too, she didn’t look impressed. I guess by this stage I was feeling that familiar feeling of not being able to please her and being torn between wanting to stay true to myself and also talking non-stop like I was hoping I would eventually say something that pleased her… but not ever pleasing her.
Later we got onto the topic of the whole cousin issue and the cousin who said “most of my family wasn’t going to come ” to my wedding and how much that upset me. She just couldn’t see it at all from my perspective and I (stupidly) tried to explain my take on it but was repeatedly told that I just “couldn’t see the bigger picture” and that I had to “draw a line under it now and move on”. She also told me (whilst crying) that she/they (meaning her and my sister I guess?) had missed out on so much. I told her that it wasn’t exactly the stuff made of dreams for me either. I said not that I wish any of it had ever happened, but that the timing of it was awful. I said I’ve wanted to get married my entire life and falling out with her and then being isolated from my entire family for 6 of the 9 months before my wedding was just awful. She just pulled a face that says “hmm”.
I asked how she thought I felt that not one member of the family stayed in touch with me for the last 6 months and how isolated I felt. She said that I had to understand that they were being loyal to her (agghh). She said that although my nan is my nan, SHE is HER little girl. That my aunty was HER sister and that my cousins were HER sister’s kids…. (i.e. they are all for her – like I didn’t know that!). She said that I upped and moved away (I didn’t, I just stayed with my in laws whilst between houses) and that I took myself off of Facebook. I said I still had a phone number, that they could have text or phoned me. Her response to that was “it’s a two way thing”. Oh MEH.
She told me it would “mean a lot to her” if I just invited everyone. She said “don’t you want your family there with you and not just all your fiancé’s family?”. I told her my fiancés entire family totalled about 10 people. She clearly didn’t believe that and said it would be him and his kids and his parents and his brothers and their wives and kids (note: my fiancé doesn’t have ANY brothers). I corrected her and she said “well, his sisters then and their families” – I corrected her again, he has one sister. She said “and all his aunts and uncles and cousins” – I said he has ONE aunt and ONE uncle! Jesus.. I was annoyed. She wasn’t listening though – it’s back to the same thing, she was implying that everything was revolving around my fiancé and not me which genuinely is not true. I find myself very defensive when she does this, I can’t help it.
I then moved the conversation on and suggested that in future, the 3 of us worked on our dynamic together as it was never very healthy. My sister agreed – my mother didn’t. I said we should do other things together like lunches and dinners and cinema trips or health spas or whatever. She just glared at me and said nothing. My sister joined in and said she absolutely agreed 100% and said that is what she always wanted and she would love that. She even added “that is what normal families do”. My mother, clearly defensive said that she worked all week, was too tired in the evenings as she gets up early and likes to see her husband at the weekends. She then said that because I have the kids on Fridays, that we could never go out Friday nights. She later added that until my wedding was over, she couldn’t afford these things. I told her that no, I couldn’t do Fridays but could do Saturdays or Sundays and I said that we don’t have to schedule whole entire days to see each other, but like once a month we could meet at 9 am and go shopping for a few hours or we could meet at midday for lunch and coffee or whatever. She still didn’t look happy. I said to her “what’s wrong? You clearly don’t agree”. She said…. “I don’t have to agree with everything you say Twink”. I responded “No, you don’t, but this is a conversation and you aren’t saying anything and clearly you are hesitant so what are you thinking?” she said…
Well I just think you need to learn to be able to handle your drink.
That last comment was in response to me saying that I don’t think me and her being around each other with alcohol is a good idea because it ends badly. I said “I admit that when I am drinking and I don’t feel like you understand me, I get angry and with alcohol too, that isn’t a good mixture”. She instantly agreed with me but I then said “but I’m not taking all of the blame by saying that either”. She said “well, me and you have a lot to discuss” and looked very angry when she said that. It was definitely said in a “I am going to punish you” way.
There was no apology whatsoever in any way from her. There were tears but only in a how sorry she felt for herself sense. There was no understanding AT ALL of my sadness… no attempt at genuinely asking me how I was or any genuine excitement for our wedding, it was all fuelled on angry and basically, I think, how left out she feels.
The worst bit about it all for me was how I felt inside. How I still feel inside and I can’t really understand it but I simply feel… numb.
I don’t feel any maternal pull towards her. I don’t feel any sense of comfort or relief. I feel on my guard (like I always did) and I feel like I’m going into the ring.
When I got home and saw my fiancé, he asked me how it went and I told him that when I saw her and when I look at her, I feel nothing and it sucks, I burst into tears. He sat with me and I cried and he hugged me tight for ages and ages and wrapped me in a blanket and made me tea. I told him about all of the above and obviously he wasn’t surprised but there were no “told you so’s”. He’s told me to try my hardest not to give her any reaction. He said she loves to feel powerful and know that she has all the families backing and that I have/had none. I know he is right. He said just keep thinking to yourself “no, YOU don’t see the bigger picture – I’m only talking to you again so my sister and grandmother can come to my wedding”.
He found the comments about how the wedding will be all HIS family amusing and actually laughed out loud. He said it was all so funny that she is so threatened by him.
Then this morning she text saying have a good day etc and again, I just feel very.. “MEH”.
I don’t really know what will happen next or where this will go…. The feeling is pretty crap I suppose but not a surprise. I am not disappointed which I think most people may assume I am, I didn’t expect things to be any different – I just feel flat.
I wasn’t happy cutting her out entirely but not because I love and miss her, just because the fear and guilt was so strong. I don’t feel any real relief to seeing her – aside from not panicking that I may run into her expectantly (fear again I guess?) – The guilt is eased up a bit, but she is clearly still not happy.
She won’t be happy again because I can’t give her what she wants and that, is total control. She is clearly still feeling that my fiancé is taking charge of me and the wedding which isn’t true, she clearly doesn’t believe I am genuinely happy and that seriously enrages me… (my issue to work on, I know).
So yeah… that’s where I am today!
I hope you are all okay, I need to update myself on all of your blogs because I’ve been MIA for a while now, I am sorry. X