Seeing my mum

So you may remember that about 6 weeks or so ago I saw my mother for breakfast and at the end of the meeting she cried her eyes out and said how much she missed me etc. It threw me into a bit of a tizzy and I started having all sorts of fantasies that maybe things could get better between us.

After some time and speaking to T, that feeling subsided and I came back down to reality, BUT since then we’ve texted more regularly than we have for a few years. I was actually enjoying our texts which is saying something! 

I started to confide in her more than I have for a long while about various events in my life but nothing that she could ruin or anything. Then I realised I would be in her town monday visiting my father and so I suggested I met her beforehand. She agreed. 

When I met her she was watching me walk towards her and her first words were “you’ve put weight on!!”. I was so shocked and unprepared I couldn’t believe it. She followed up by saying that it looked better on me as I had got “too skinny”. 

We then went into a shop and she picked up a tiny pair of Jeans and said “these are your size”. She wasn’t being sarcastic but clearly she must know I’m not that small – especially after her comment!! She did twice. 

I was only with her about an hour and a half but I left feeling like she was angry. I even noticed that a few seconds into seeing her I questioned myself “am I angry and projecting onto her?” But I was wasn’t – she was dumping her anger on me. 

In hindsight I think she was furious with me. Furious that I was going to be seeing my dad. Furious I was going to a family bbq with him when I refuse to go to “her side’s” events and god knows what else. It honestly felt like the mum I saw 6 weeks ago who cried she missed me and yesterday’s mum were different people! Oh I should add in that shop she bought me some clothes (she just grabbed them off me and paid). 

Anyway, now I feel like the weight comment was punishment. I think she’s so angry with me and that comment just came out. That or she really is glad I’ve put some weight on because she would rather I was chubbier than her – who knows. 

Either way I can feel she’s not going to keep meeting me just for lunch or coffees much longer. She’s clearly peed off and I can *feel* it’s coming. What am I going to do when she asks “is this all we are ever going to do?”. I don’t know how to answer that. 

One part of me is enjoying things the way they are and have been for the last couple of years. I see her on my terms maybe every two months for an hour. One part of me wishes things were different (but they aren’t). I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to start going to her house and seeing her husband etc – I don’t want to go back to spending every birthday and Xmas with her and her husband and the wider family. I don’t even really know why that is …. I wouldn’t know what to say. 

I’m dreading her asking “is this all we can ever do?” Or “when will you come to my house again” or that type of thing. My mum’s style is to tell me I’m dragging something out or being silly. I’m genuinely not doing anything to punish her – but since I’ve distanced myself to this contact, I’ve felt much better.

I think I’ve lost sight of my reasons for not doing those things, it’s like I’ve forgotten. I don’t feel safe going to her house and seeing her husband or the extended family without my husband (and they don’t speak) and I don’t want to have a life where I see her and then without him. He point blank refuses to see her and she still doesn’t even say his name.

What a mess!!

2 thoughts on “Seeing my mum

  1. “She’s clearly peed off and I can *feel* it’s coming” — oh yeah,i know this feeling. even my partner knows this feeling. i am with you in the grief of all of this — it’s a hard, long, slog accepting that your mum is not like a mum should be, and grieving that. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ugh you know the feeling too! The grief doesn’t feel that prominent right now/today – I just feel anxious about what my reason will be for not wanting to do the things she wants me to (like go to her house and see her husband etc) xx

      Liked by 1 person

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