Today I walked into a gift shop and found myself surrounded by teddies and baby toys. I decided it would be nice to buy my sister in law a gift because she’s pregnant and we are staying together in the same house at the moment. I found it hard to pick what to buy her because everything was so darn cute. After much deliberation I picked a Winnie the Pooh classic comforter and a little gift bag and went and paid for it. As I walked out the shop, I suddenly felt this sadness rush over me. I pulled the comforter out of the bag and said to my husband “God I want a baby so much it actually hurts. I wish I was buying this for our baby”. He said “I know” and looked sad and a little awkward. He admitted that as soon as he walked into the shop and had seen all the teddies, he knew I would feel like that.
Anyway, we carried on our day and a couple of hours later we went into a cute tea rooms for a snack. As I sat down I was drawn to a young mother breastfeeding her tiny baby. I looked away in case I embarrassed her and also in case she thought I was weird(!) but my eyes kept being drawn back to them. At one point the baby was laying on the table between its mother and father who were both cooeing over it and making all sorts of baby voices and noises and who both looked utterly in love. Without even processing any conscious thoughts my eyes filled with tears and I felt like I could cry a river. I coughed and dipped my drink and tried to distract myself with the menu. My husband obviously noticed something was up and asked what but I told him I would tell him later because I would cry.
I’m not sure if he knew or not, or whether he figured it out – I don’t even know if it matters whether he knew or not really.
I joked to my husband earlier that my ovaries hurt where I’m so desperate to have a baby but it’s not even really a joke at all. I’ve never felt anything like it before. It’s a horrible combination of a kind of grief mixed with a loss, mixed with jealousy and of shame (for me at least). It can make me feel so angry and so bitter when I see so many people with babies, or who are pregnant and I hate that – who admits that? It makes me so frustrated when well meaning family say things like “it will happen when you least expect it” or something along those lines.
Yesterday we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and we had the most perfect day. We went away to a gorgeous hotel just the two of us and we spoilt ourselves with afternoon tea, glasses of wine, delicious food, a nap(!!), a bath in a roll-top bath and beautiful walks around the grounds. I felt lucky, I felt loved and yes, I admit, it crossed my mind that sometimes having the freedom to do these things is lovely.
But the realisation of it being a year since our wedding makes it all the more painful that another year has passed us by without us having got pregnant. Sometimes it feels like life is passing us by and I panic and worry it’s really never going to happen.
My husband wants a baby with me I know he does BUT he has had 3 children and he already has the love and experiences and memories of them. His life wouldn’t be ruined without another child – mine feels like it would be completely ruined.
I think that can make the struggle even more difficult sometimes, it can make the longing and sadness feel quite lonely. For example my husband is currently napping on the sofa and I’m writing this with tears running down my cheeks.
I want a baby so badly. I want to be a mummy so much. I want to hold a baby and feel it grip my finger. I want to smile and watch it feed or fall to sleep. I want to experience being pregnant and giving birth (yes, even that!). I want the excitement of wondering what the child will be like, who they will become, what they will like and dislike and I want them to be happy.
I’m in love with a baby that doesn’t even exist yet.
That’s all really…. I just needed to write that and get it out of my head. Maybe I’ll feel less lonely putting this out there to be read by others. I’m not looking for any advice or anything, I just needed to put it down on paper (well, a screen).
Sending love to anyone else that may be experiencing similar feelings.