Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers

Today has to be the shittiest day. I mean I say that quite a lot on a Monday, but genuinely today was total and utter shit. Shit on a stick.

To explain I’ll need to go back in time a few days, to Thursday. Thursday my hubby and I FINALLY had our consultation at the fertility clinic. That was a very, very long time coming and after numerous sets of blood tests and semen analysis’ etc, we were finally going to speak to an expert!! After the NHS doing a giant number on us and dropping us, we were paying for the privilege of this expert, but even that did not dampen my mood. I was elated. Honestly I had been counting down the days for weeks and weeks and so when I woke up that morning, I was like a kid at Christmas.

So off we went, we arrived at the fertility clinic and went inside. The reception area was completely empty other than a slightly strange receptionist but we booked ourselves in and sat down to wait. We arrived 5 minutes early. Annoyingly we were still sitting there waiting 20 minutes later and were both getting a bit annoyed because surely someone should have at least acknowledged our wait, but no.

Eventually we were called in by a doctor who’s name I genuinely cannot say or spell lol – he’s Greek but have us a nickname. I’ll refer to him as Costas. Costas thought we were there for a second opinion and I corrected him that no, this was our first opinion and then he said he had no notes at all for us and asked if we had been given a questionnaire? No we had not. Not the best start.

I showed him our test results and to make this less boring for anyone reading it, he said that I needed to have an AMH blood test which checks for your ovarian reserve, an internal ultrasound – which checks for cysts, fibroids, endo etc, and finally a HyCoSy which checks to see if your Fallopian tubes are clear or blocked. I wasn’t surprised by any of that as I’ve spent months (years) on Google and forums etc. Fine.

However then he basically waves us out the room. I was expecting a hell of a lot more detail – I was expecting questions about my cycles and about whether and when I ovulate. I was expecting questions about how often we have sex and our history etc etc…. but he just kept waving his hand and saying “that’s for later”.

My husband looked at me and said “okay?” I was clearly visibly shocked or annoyed or upset and I kinda nodded yeah and we left the room and paid. I looked at my watch because I couldn’t believe how quickly the appointment had gone and it had been 17 minutes from start to finish. I felt ripped off to be honest. I also felt like I was going to burst into tears so we paid and hurried out the building.

We went to a nearby coffee shop and I told my husband how I felt. I said I was shocked at how brief the apt was, how little he seemed to ask, how I barely understood him (not his fault I know), how it felt like a rip-off in terms of money, particularly as he didn’t even spend the entire apt time with us and then out of nowhere I said I felt petrified of the tests I needed to have AND that I wasn’t sure I could face HIM doing them and then I cried and said I felt overly scared and said he reminded me of that man that abused me when I was young.

Hubby was rightly shocked, horrified and concerned and started to reassure me that we would never go there, ever again. I felt overwhelmed, scared, let down and all sorts of other things.

However….

an hour or so later I started to feel a bit better. Then I had my phone apt with T and she did well to ground me. She reminded me that he was an expert, a specialist, a professional. She told me he wouldn’t be “pervy”. She spoke to me about how I needed to try to separate the emotion from the physical tests needed and to look at them as a means to an end and to try to take the feelings to her or family or friends and keep them out of the fertility clinic if I could. She also said that I was absolutely entitled to find another consultant or clinic if I didn’t feel happy with him.

I later googled the consultant and his reviews are amazing. I didn’t read a single bad one. I also found out that he teaches AND he writes medical papers…. maybe I was too quick to judge. I since think that I may have just used him to project all my feelings into. My worries, insecurities, fears, anxiety etc.

I feel a bit bad now. Eek.

Anyway, between then and last night I was completely consumed by trying to google other local clinics, seeing what packages they offered, comparing prices, comparing live birth rates, comparing distance etc etc…. I also read every article I could find on the tests I need to have, on the most common reasons for female infertility… and I then googled all the signs and symptoms of each to see if I could narrow anything down. I was STRESSED by the end of yesterday and we had the children here (at the in laws where I’m living) and I just felt fed up.

Unfortunately my husband (whom I love very much) asked me “what’s wrong??” and I swear to god I could have shot him. How is it that I’m obsessed by this, and he doesn’t even have a clue why it is that I may not be at my best? Same husband also said to me when we woke up yesterday morning (with a huge smile) “god I love it when I wake up and the kids are here”.

Gulp.

I mean, that’s lovely. But ouch. You know? I don’t get that same feeling because they aren’t mineeeeeeeee and I am jealous that he gets that feeling and then I got a headache and then I felt moody and sad and inside my ovaries were crying (again). Plus I get all the fun stuff of being stepmum such as making sure everyone’s brushed their teeth, eaten, that the in-law’s house is tidy, that the kids have washed clothes, lunch, dinner etc etc….. I love my stepkids but this weekend doing all of this was tough. ESPECIALLY whilst not living in my own house and on top of the clinic apt and my mind full of all things fertility.

In the end I found another clinic which was cheaper and just as good and so my husband suggested we emailed the first clinic and asked why they were so much more expensive and if they would give us a discount. Now I don’t like to do things like this, but the consultant did say, and I quote “I do good discounts if you ask”. So Hubby’s thought process was – why not ask?!

As I write this we’ve had no response 🤣😂

However today I phoned the other (cheaper) clinic and asked some questions and I have to say, they sound lovely. The lady I spoke to was so helpful, friendly, professional and I just liked her. She also told me I could book the first appointment (blood test) within a couple of days if I wanted to and that my second appointment (physical exam and consultation) could be 24 hours later once my blood results were back.

She also said that they didn’t make people have the HyCoSy test immediately at apt two because sometimes they get all the info they need from the first physical scan and blood test. I assume she means that if your results show you have, say, no eggs or cysts etc – they plan to treat that. Basically they don’t make you go through the pain of the HyCosy unless necessary BUT it is included in the price – half the price of clinic number one.

I think I’m pretty sold on this clinic now so I’m hoping to plan a date and time with the hub tonight to get that first one booked in and then the second one after that. Can’t pretend I’m not thrilled by potentially not having to have the HyCosy – everything I’ve read sounds horrific.

Anyway……

Fertility stuff aside at 9am this morning the estate agents rang me. I was so excited as I knew exchange was approaching soon so I answered excitedly …. however I was told bad news. Our sellers have lost their purchase. Their buyers have pulled out.

I literally couldn’t believe it. After all this time?

They are now out looking again and are apparently very keen to move ASAP and are worried they could lose their sale (us). All I could think was OMG I cannot believe we could have to live at the in-laws for another 3 months… or more, who knows?!

I also felt sorry for myself and thought “why now? Give me a break!!” and I also felt angry because I just want to get pregnant and I want to be in my own house before we do any treatments and so I NEED this fucking house to hurry up!! Agghhh.

After that random things went to shit. My husband left his laptop at home and had to travel in and out of the city twice. He’s had to work late. I had to do some shit jobs at work, it was Monday. I was tired etc etc….

Its now 7.15pm and I should probably go and get dinner started but I’m still stuck on the sofa typing this out and knowing how the rest of my day has gone, I wouldn’t be hugely surprised if my phone breaks, wipes this entire blog or the house catches fire 🤣 lol okay so I may be being a little dramatic but you know the feeling right?

Yes I’m having a pity party for one. 🥳

On the plus side I walked in tonight to an empty house as the in laws are away – and a pair of brand new slippers on the side which hubby clearly picked up on one of his many trips to work and back today. It’s the little things isn’t it? I cried when I saw them LOL.

Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers it seems.

💓

4 thoughts on “Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers

  1. Oh, Twink. I’m sorry. That;s all a load of rubbish! This is a lot of stress – not having you down home, living with in laws, fertility woes, everything seems precarious and in the air. As for the clinics – when I read the first half of the post I was going to say, yeah, Doctors are shit sometimes, even the ones who deal with fertility, and you can decided to bear with it or leave. I am glad to see you found another clinic! I switched clinics from one that was very swanky, but with docs who were rude and only focused on cash, to a more downmarket clinic where they were genuine (and also more academic and less corporate).

    I had a HyCosy – it hurts, sure, but just like a bad period cramp, and they’ll give you nice drugs for it 🙂 It’s quick, at any rate, and your chances of conceiving go up afterwards since your tubes are clearEd by the saline they use to do the scan. it’s not the worst!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oohhh SG Thank you so much for commenting on this – that’s all really helpful!! I have read that about the HyCosy and have to admit I’m tempted to have it (despite the fear!!) in case it can improve my fertility…. I guess I would still have it if my other ultrasound came back clear anyway?

      To be honest after having a coil fitted once years ago I doubt much hurts worse than that 🤣

      I’m glad you moved clinics and found one that were nicer to you!! It’s amazing how you can just tell from a vibe isn’t it? Xx

      Like

  2. The first fertility specialist I saw sounds like your doctor. He did all the right tests, etc. but he would never explain ANYTHING and was always really abrupt. Then we moved clinics for a second opinion and they’re much nicer, explain exactly why they’re doing everything and what the results mean (not that there’s much they can explain in my case – my diagnosis is “unexplained fertility” so all they can say is we don’t know). They also sent me a sympathy card when I lost my twins at 16+4 weeks last year.

    I’ve had the HyCoSy. It hurts, but only when they’re putting the dye in (at least that’s how it was for me). I had to have a hysteroscopy 2 weeks ago and that was MUCH worse. I have had many, many, many internal ultrasounds and they are honestly fine. I don’t even think about them any more. I don’t think I have any dignity left. Any doctor who wants to look at my private parts is welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh god I’m so very sorry to read that you lost your twins, that’s absolutely awful. You must have been devastated. I have to admit that I do worry about my ability to handle any potential future heartache… I don’t know if I could but I guess you just don’t have a choice but to carry on? You must be very strong.

      I’m not worried about the internal ultrasound – I am nervous about the HyCosy but think I could handle it if I had to but yeah the hysteroscopy sounds awful! Can’t they knock you out?

      Unexplained infertility really is a kick in the stomach isn’t it?? Did they try you on chlomid or anything?

      Like

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