Trying to recover from the rupture

As 4pm drew closer today I began to feel more and more nervous. At ten to 4 I had to rush to the toilet where I got stuck for the entire 10 minutes (sorry for TMI)!. I watched my phone hit 4pm exactly and felt sick… I found T in my call list and pressed dial.

The phone rang just once or twice and then T picked up. I didn’t know what to say to her.  We said hello and then she asked me how I was currently feeling  had felt since I had sent her my email the other day.  In all honestly I wasn’t sure how I felt so I actually had to think about the answer to that question. I told her that her reply to my email had helped to lift a lot of the anger and pain and that knowing I would be talking to her today had also helped although I admitted that I was nervous and scared that it may end up making me feel more pain.

T told me that she had done some writing that she wanted to read to me to try to explain why she spoke differently to me and to other people. I was quite shocked at this, I’m not sure why but I think it’s something about the fact she had been thinking about it a lot and had clearly put a lot of thought in prior to this call.  Writing that now sounds obvious really doesn’t it? I guess of course she did.  Anyway, she begun to read to me and I can’t quite remember what she said but I do remember that I started to cry pretty quickly because what I “heard” at first was something that meant “some people need more love than others – than you do” and I cried because I thought my worst fears had come true. There really wasn’t anything she was going to say that was going to fix this rupture and there really was nothing she could say that was going to make me feel better, to enable me to trust her enough to be vulnerable with her again – to do the work with her anymore.

She said something about how she didn’t want to force herself and her love on me (as I heard this I thought to myself “it isn’t forcing when I want it”.) She said something about how my mother was an overbearing narcissist, that she didn’t want to repeat that for me and that she trusted me to show her what I needed.  She also said some things about how she worked using her intuition and that she truly believed that she was a good enough mother figure to me, and to all of her clients.  Now I got what she meant about my mother being an overbearing narcissist in one sense, but in another I was confused because my mother DIDN’T show me any love or affection so surely that isn’t the same? Surely that IS exactly what I need? There was so much being said and so many thoughts and feelings going on at once that it is hard to remember it all now.

She then explained how everyone she sees has different needs and said to me to think about my 3 stepchildren and how I would treat them all differently, but love them all the same amount.  She said you could have two children and one need a lot of reassurance and the other not need that so much. She said she worked using her intuition and was guided by me.  At this stage I was feeling pretty confused because, as I’ve already said, I understood what she was getting at, but I just kept thinking… yes, but I NEED you to show me love and affection so why won’t you do that??? If we all have different needs and I’m yelling at you because I want something (for my needs) then why aren’t you doing it?

I cried pretty constantly the whole time she was saying these things and then she asked me if I understood what she had said.  I told her I kind of did but kind of didn’t and she said it was okay if I didn’t fully get it at this moment in time, that perhaps I would in the future and that perhaps it would take more than just this one hour (someone had said this to me in a comment the other day and I am thankful they did as otherwise my expectations would have been too high – thank you).  I still felt rather disappointed and a bit deflated at this stage.  I could hear she was trying to make me feel better but it just felt a bit like what she was saying to me and what she was expecting me to feel weren’t tallying up somehow.  Like, was I missing something here?

She said that there was no denying it “was a monumental way to cock up“.  She actually admitted to me that when she realised what had happened, she had to phone a therapist friend of hers to cry to them! I felt instantly very guilty and sorry for her when she said this and said “oh nooo did you?” and before I could finish saying it she snapped quite abruptly “No! You do not feel guilty for that, I am not telling you that for you to feel bad about, but simply so that you understand that I did and do care very much“.  She said she knew instantly how deep this would have hit me and then said that the only reason she didn’t pry into how it had made me feel instantly and by text was because I was meant to be in session with her only a few hours later – until I cancelled.  She also added that being a therapist was a vocation to her and not just a job.  She said she really does get it and does deeply care, it wasn’t somethign she did simply to pay the bills.

I eventually said to her outright “I get that everyone has different needs and that you treat us all differently, just as I do my stepchildren, I get that.. but, I feel like I am always fighting to get someone to show me love and they never do and that IS what I want!” T said that it might feel to me like what I need is for her to show me lots of “gushing love” but that often what we think we need, isn’t actually that helpful for us.  She said that if she is working with someone who has had no love and affection from a mother and who has suffered childhood trauma and cruelty, that gushing them with love would be extremely damaging and painful for them.  My ears pricked up…  I questioned why and she said in the most extreme case, showering someone who has been loved deprived with affection COULD lead them to commit suicide. At this point I was listening intently but still confused and then she said this:

“Imagine a baby that is starving, literally starving and nearing death, extremely malnourished and very sick.  What you might think you need to do is to take the baby and feed it and feed it and feed it to make it better, to save it? But actually that would kill the baby!  What the baby would need is to be drip fed tiny bit by tiny bit until it built up a tolerance and could slowly adjust to having more food”…

Something about this image clicked in my head and really made sense… okay… okay, this was helpful – I told T this image was very helpful. She continued explaining and said that in my head I think I know what I need but that a lot of that was fantasy and built up using the fantasy that she is the perfect mother and that the perfect mother would and could never hurt me.  But that the fantasy was wrong.

I told T that it was so painful for me because so many times over the years I have got upset and complained to my mother that she never hugged me or told me she loved me or showed me any affection and my mother would shame me and tell me to grow up and tell me that I wasn’t a child and that I was pathetic.  I said it felt like the same thing was happening all over again – not the shaming so to speak, but like T was saying that she wouldn’t show me any affection even though she could have.  I told T that my mother was always very gushing with her men – just not me and the feelings were triggered by the text she sent me.

She said something again about being led by me and I said something like “but I have told you before that I sometimes find your emails lacking warmth and a bit cold and clinical!” and she said it was quite a while ago and said “lets not get too carried away, it is only an email sign-off, you do FEEL my love in many other ways – I know you do and I know that you have the capacity and capability to feel that love. Some people cannot feel it and need me to speak to them in different ways, in ways that might help it to get through to them. You feel my love here”.

Hmm…something about what she said made me feel ashamed. It felt as though she was saying “Jesus Christ, it’s a bloody sign off on an email!” and so I said that I understood that it was stupid and I was being irrational but she butted in and said she doesn’t think that for a single second, she said how much she understood the pain was very deep. She said every therapist’s favourite line… twice “This IS the work” with extra emphasis on the IS. I had to try not to chuckle.  She then spoke about “the frame” which I took to be a reference to the therapeutic frame, as in the guidelines or something? She said that it is expected and normal for me to want to bash the frame about and hit it and try to change it and it is her job to hold steady whilst I did that.  This gave me an image of a toddler who wants things it can’t have and kick and screams for them all the while the mother is calmly saying “no” but not shaming the child and, perhaps, validating the child’s pain? I don’t know, I could have this entirely wrong. I need to do some reading about the frame to fully grasp this I think.

[What I need to write next may offend/upset/annoy or possibly trigger those who have D.I.D or parts – I am not sure but I want to be cautious so consider this a warning if you want to continue reading].

T said that the person who the text was actually for was much more dissociated than I am and she said that sometimes she “doesn’t even bloody know I am here at all! I have to fight to get through to her to know I am there for her!”.  She then said I wasn’t that split and dissociative and that I did know she was there – that she only had to say something gently and I knew it, but that the other girl didn’t.  She said that working with parts was an entirely different way of working but that I wasn’t that split-off. She said that I was integrated.  (I questioned how true that was as she said it..).  She later said that the work I was doing was entirely different and that we were “nowhere near each other” whatever that meant.

I told T that I always secretly hoped I was her youngest client and that it made me special to her somehow.  She told me that it didn’t matter whether I was the youngest, oldest, prettiest or whatever.. that I was special to her just for being me.  She said that I didn’t need to “jump through hoops” for her.  I cried as she said this even though it felt a bit of a cliché you know like “you are special just the way you are”… but I think I believe her….. I think.  She said that I was working “beautifully” and was doing very well and that she admired me said I had plenty of courage even if I didn’t feel I did at times.  She said something along the lines of how the other client was in a very difficult place and that therapy was very difficult and unpredictable for her but for me, I may be struggling but i am progressing along very well.  I have mixed thoughts about this.

She told me that there was a space inside her that was just mine and that nobody else could ever take or come near because it was just for me and then said that she wondered if it felt a bit like finding out you were going to have a sibling when you were a child – others – someone else to share mum’s love and being really angry about it.  She said she wondered if it reminded me of when my sister was born?  I admitted when my sister was born I was terribly upset and jealous, having been an only child for 7 years, I was used to that and when I already had no love or affection another child surely meant I would have even less?! I’m not sure how accurate that fear was because it made not difference to the lack of love I got but it did result in lots of other feelings of insecurity and being forgotten or left-out.  It set me (and my sister) up for years of competing for her attention. The ultimate power-trip I guess. MEH.

She told me she had a lot of love and care for me and she said if I wanted her to sign her emails off “with love” from now on, that she would. I felt immature but thought to myself that it really isn’t the same when you ask someone is it? LOL and then she said …. I try to match your style in your emails to me… and I interrupted her and said, I had thought this only today.. when I re-read my emails to her, I always signed them off “Thanks, TT” and admitted that was rather formal, especially for me! I said I had done that because I was copying her style and she said she was following my lead!!! I did laugh at this.

I guess the main things I took from the call were that she thinks lots of affectionate words and gushing love is NOT what I need, even if I think I do… that she thinks I have the capacity to feel her love in many other ways and that some clients do not and that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance, looking for perceived proof of being rejected or abandoned, that is why this hurt so much.  It did tap in to some very deep wounds of mine, mainly being unloved/unloveable and not special.  She said once or twice that I did not get to experience the good enough mother and that I was not taught that was allowed to feel angry and resolve something with her and that her love did not change for me if I did have those angry feelings.

Right now I have lots of words and thoughts and reactions to sit with and work through but I do already feel heaps better.  She reminded me that each rupture we get through is helpful and will build a deeper level of trust.  She said with each rupture that we successfully repair, I will gradually remember that things can be survived no matter how hard they get between us. I understood what she meant as she said this because the other day it seemed insurmountable and now it doesn’t.

Right now, believe it or not… whether she signs an email “with love” or just her name feels wholly insignificant… isn’t that funny? Or perhaps makes me a little crazy! Perhaps her reassurance has helped me to come out of my triggered place and back into a more rational and adult place? I’m not sure.  I feel hopeful but yet the remains of some sadness lurk below the surface, a bit like when you’ve got back together with an old boyfriend and you are glad but you feel a little fragile and kinda nervous and careful? on guard perhaps?? I dunno, it’s hard to explain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

31 thoughts on “Trying to recover from the rupture

  1. OMG, TT! Thank you for this. I think you and your T are both awesome. I am so stuck with my T – anger and attachment are both frigging impossible for me. I wish I could write my own blog – I know you guys could+would help me so much – my brain just looks like microwaved cheese.
    When I can, I will read this over and over again. Cheers TT! TS

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I was talking about this exact thing with another blogger – how even when it’s a situation where there is nothing your therapist can say that will reassure you or “make it better”, just talking about it somehow takes the edge off the negative feelings. I notice it over and over again in my therapy, I come away thinking “how did he do that?” when we’ve talked through my being angry or upset with him and I leave the session not angry any more. I really don’t know how it works, but I guess it is something to do with actually being listened to and having your feelings taken seriously which is healing in itself.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes I guess it is! Being listened too and not having someone attack back or humiliate you in your pain? Learning that I can be angry with her and she listens, empathises and we recover really is a new experience for me – one that I didn’t realise I needed believe it or not!! xx

      Liked by 5 people

    1. Ahhh have you? That’s so lovely, it’s a lovely thought that you would care enough to check even once! Thank you.

      Really? Wow thats a huge compliment to the therapy I guess? I’m still feeling a bit…. emotionally drained or something but I am gaining more insight. I’ve just found a blog on here by someone else which seems to discuss the same issue and that’s amazingly helpful. I will re-blog tomorrow if I can find it again xx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Wow, she was very honest and human. I suspected it would have been playing on her mind. I think I understand what she is saying about not ‘gushing’ with love. I also understand your conflict with it too though. I understand the gaping hole which needs to be filled with love and how strong that need is. When you I do wonder if you would believe her if she did behave in that way. In reality, you might subconsciously wonder if she is faking it or that she wants something from you. It’s something that you’re not used to so it probably be quite strange. My therapist has never said that she loves me. A vague admission of care is the nearest I have got, but maybe she says it in other less obvious ways. You’re very articulate and do a lot of work outside of your sessions and I guess she has to work harder to get her more dissociated clients to connect and be open.
    The feeling that you describe at the end reminds me of how I feel after intense sessions. I tend to feel quite hopeful, validated but also very emotional because I have stuffed my emotions down yet again. I think the feeling of having sadness left over is understandable and even if it wasn’t, it’s the way that you feel.
    I’m glad you got the opportunity to clear the air. xx

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    1. Yeah she said she had been “very preoccupied” with me and that she thought about reaching out to me but thought that would be risky and overbearing too – like my mother. She said she respects me enough that she knows I will go to her when I want to. You put that well, the hole is gaping and Love is what I think will fill it. Someone else said about me questioning if she was faking it if she did show me lots of love…. it’s easy for me to just say no I wouldn’t but perhaps? She said to me “your Mum text you saying she loved you the other week, does it feel like she does?” And I said “no”. And she said exactly. She kept saying how me FEELING her love was more important than any words. Xx

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  4. I’m so glad this went well. It seems like she thought so much about what she wanted to say, and this is a sign of how much she cares for you and wants you to feel safe with her. I know it has to be hard for her, to face up to how much she’s hurt you and even to tell you now that she won’t “gush” for you, despite your wish for that. The fact that she has the integrity to admit she got it wrong and to hold a position she knows you still don’t like, what a good indication that is that you have a very skilled and caring therapist.

    Therapy rupture is some of the worst emotional pain there is. It brings us all the agonized confusion of being small children, combined with all our adult sense that we “shouldn’t” feel like that. I really do understand what you’ve been going through and how literally sick it can make you. I’m glad she was able to talk to you in a way that has helped and hope you can feel more at peace in the coming days.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Yes that’s how I felt about the fact she had clearly taken time to write for me. It was like a letter just for me which she read out and the contents weren’t what I wanted to hear but somehow were reassuring.

      Yes I agree, she must have found it difficult to hold firm but reassure me enough at the same time, I guess that’s what she meant when she said about me wanting to change the frame and how she has to hold steady (although the child part in me still hears this as “I won’t show you love”)… even though the adult understands it better.

      She certainly has integrity and is very skilled. I agree.

      Thank you. I think it’s enough for me to make it to the 9th (wahhh!) and at least I haven’t turned her all bad as I had been doing. When the pain she unintentionally caused me hit, I went into anger for about a week and had no sadness about it. The anger slowly wore off into sadness and that’s what enabled me to eventually email her. I am glad I did. I hope I can learn from this and read this back next time I’m questioning her care xx

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Wow my therapist talks about ‘the frame’ with me too. I went through something a bit similar to this (although different) when my therapist refused to talk to me on the phone following my mother’s death when it was hard to get to session. I actually missed a session with her as I was so angry and felt so unloved. I would have struggled in similar ways with a lot of what your therapist was trying to explain (and I have missed your earlier posts). It must be hard for them though, in terms of worrying about giving too much, nothing can help with the original wound which was that we never got enough. Not getting what we think we need and want is SO HARD!

    I have no wise words for you, but I do deeply empathise with you
    Much love

    Deborah ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Does she? I am going to do some research about the frame as all I understand it as is the therapy rules or the boundaries?!

      Oh jeez Deborah. That would have hurt me a hell of a lot too!! Did she say why? I imagine you needed her more than ever how horrible did you.

      “Nothing can help with the original wound” – I guess this is true. This is something that I still struggle to accept but know to be true. You’re right, I’m my ideal world T shows me all the love my mother never did and I am healed forever! But I guess it doesn’t work like that. I’ve often read that we are adults now and have to learn to heal ourselves and show ourselves love – parent ourselves big sometimes that feels impossible and hard!

      Not getting what we want and need is bloody awful – that makes me feel very childish but yes, that’s what it is.

      I’m sending you love and hugs xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, Twink it Fing hurt me so much but I did learn I could survive that hurt. I am not a child now but I do feel there is a part of us that is always the tender hearted child we were who longed so for comfort, care, empathy, solace and love.

        I get over therapy and therapists at times. I know its not great to feel like this but sometimes do you get so tired of it all?

        I did end up going back. She told me that her not allowing phone contact put me back on my own resources and made me turn towards others, which was true.

        Still not sure what to make of it all. I am going back tomorrow but part of me doesnt want to while another part needs too.

        Its so complex.

        Hugs and loves too you too, sweetie.

        D x

        Liked by 2 people

  6. So happy that this went well.
    I could comment on a lot of things, but I am just going to say something about she is following her lead and you are following her lead of warmth etc. I think it hit a spot for me because it’s something I am reaching myself lately. It’s like we want to match the therapists style of what is “lovable” and be formal and make sure not to screw up. It’s hard for us to initiAte but rather just wait at the other person to set the tone and mke the first move. However, I think in real life this might keep us back a bit as we are less likely to go out there and get what we want. So rather than following her style on how she signs off, why can’t you just be yourself and trust that will be ok? Hope this makes sense.
    Ps I have to say it was interesting that your T have you so much detail about the other girl and her problems? I m not sure why she did that, but perhaps it helped you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yeah I think you’re right! Although I’m not sure if I had of signed off with “love you!” She would have matched that…. but I think perhaps her point was that her response was matching mine and so why was I so offended by it lol?!

      Because of this rupture I’m not sure how to end the next email conversation that we have…

      Yes I thought so too… she’s never spoken to me about anyone else- EVER. I can only assume she was trying to make me understand how different our needs in therapy are or something? I don’t know? X

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  7. Thanks for updating us. My heart Pangea when your T admitted that she phoned her therapist friend in tears after sending you the wrong message! It’s so important in these ruptures for them to be human and show that to us. It sounds like she really thought about you quite a lot afterwards and wanted you to know exactly what was going on. I appreciate that honesty. Obviously it doesn’t take away all the hurt and pain, as you say. A helpful step.

    Was chuckling at your T following your lead with style in emails! If you had signed off with lots of love, or all my love, do you think she would have followed suit?

    P.S. Absolute bummer about being given notice! Hope you are able to find something.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah so did mine Jay, heading that it effected her enough to cry and to phone someone made me feel so sad for her but in some way it made me feel reassured that she took and takes my feelings very seriously if that makes sense?

      I agree it is so important for them to be human and to apologise and tell us it’s been worrying them too – it certainly helps me anyway. She said she has been “preoccupied” with me and I often question how true that is but I know that’s my issue of not trusting.

      Ha yes I have thought the same. If I said “love you!” I’m sure she wouldn’t have matched that style but I guess her point was more that my tone was just as formal – perhaps even that it wasn’t that I was offering loving sign-offs and she wasn’t?

      Yeah it is. We were so shocked and upset. We’ve started looking around online but it’s hard to find a big enough house for us and the 3 kids and to be near a station for work as well as affordable! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My phone often autocorrects and saw it did that now with pangs 😂 makes so much sense that you are comforted by her taking you seriously… How often have we had to deal with our feelings and concerns being pushed aside, ignored or even ridiculed. I am sooooo glad for you that you have a T who truly cares (even though ruptures etc will be inevitable).

        Moving is a special kind of stress. We were given notice at the start of the year and thought we would never be able to find something decent. We ended up in a smaller but happy place in a good location close to work, for a bit cheaper! Turns out miracles do actually happen. Although I know it is stressful and so much to sort out. My heart goes out to you! Xx

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  8. I went through a time like this but not with a therapist because I didn’t have one. What would happen is every time I saw or met an older woman who said anything kind and caring, would wish I was theirs and that I was really important to them like a daughter would be. But I immediately knew they never gave birth to me so it would never be that way because they could never feel that way towards me. So for a few years I lived in a constant state of bereavement.
    My driving instructor was male and he was kind and caring like a dad. When I passed my driving test first time he was jumping up and down and congratulating me, but I was overwhelmed with sadness like I had lost a parent.

    One day I noticed I had stopped feeling all those things and had started to see these people as just nice people – I had stopped wanting those things from them. I had stopped putting them on a pedestal and fantasising about what good surrogate parents they would be. Perhaps my time of ‘bereavement’ had run its course.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah that’s so sad ;-( I understand entirely what you’re saying though. I also had a kind driving instructor like you and felt the loss. Sadly I told my narcissistic mother I had passed and she said “perhaps it’s because they knew you wouldn’t be driving much as you commute via train?”. Such a blow to my self-esteem that was! Even when I pointed out that I’d past first time and with only 3 minors she said she has no minors whatsoever!!

      I’m glad that however awful it was, you no longer feel that way, that must be freeing in some way but still very sad as I guess it means you gave up on the wish and the hope (even if that is more realistic) if that makes sense? Xx

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  9. The starving baby thing is EXACTLY what I used to discuss with my chosen sibling as my therapist has had to slowly “warm up” to me. In the beginning I would hurt myself in session or later if she was warm andg kind…she had to start off cool and clinical, and then gradually I wanted more and more warmth and overt expressions of care.

    I’m not DID and don’t have parts though my therapist and myself finds it hard to break past the emotional numbness I feel.

    I’m glad your therapist is willing to change her sign off to better suit your needs. I hope you feel heard, soothed, validated by her.

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    1. Oh wow really? And you two discussed this at the time did you? Or only now as you look back? Do you understand the need to go slow with their affection? I kind of get it but kind of don’t?!

      When you say you used to hurt yourself if she was warm, was that because it was too painful or too confusing? Hope you don’t mind me asking.

      It took me well over two years to get through my emotional numbness, I didn’t even realise I wasn’t in touch with my feelings until … well until I started to thaw out I guess and then the pain and grief hit me.

      Xx

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      1. I discussed with my chosen sibling later as I looked back. That was some time ago (not recent) but quite some time after the period where I’d hurt myself. 😊

        Yes, I’d hurt myself because her caring and warmth was too confusing AND painful. I could not tolerate that a “paid professional” could care more than my entire family of origin. Ago first I would be very harsh and dismiss her caring by saying she’s just doing her job. Recently she told me that back then, she felt “attacked” by me a lot. Then I grew to believe her care and felt / still feel the sharp pain of the contrast between her care and the lack of care in my upbringing. It was confusing too that she said I’m worthy of care, worthy of love because I felt I was unlovable, worthless due to rejection from my family. I had to grief a lot, still grieving. However I eventually stopped hurting myself as I started changing my “I deserve hurt” belief. My therapist would tell me I’m abusing myself and therefore continuing the parents’ abuse of me whenever I hurt myself.

        I hear you on emotional numbness! It waxes and wanes for me depending on I don’t know what!

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      2. Wow thank you for explaining that, that makes me “believe” my t that much more that you can say you’ve been there and felt that!! I have felt the pain from how I can feel a proper emotional connection from T and not my own mother. I’ve cried about that many times and the fact that T seems to know who I am way more than my mother does too. Perhaps I’m in the stage you were in of dismissing her love and care for just doing her job? I’ve said that to her on a few separate occasions now… having to pay them doesn’t help that fear i guess. I might be in some kind of in-between phase as I DO believe she cares (when I’m not triggered and freaking out!) but also don’t like to allow myself to believe that too much as she could stop at any time and terminate me… or I could leave… I find that worrying deep down I spose.

        I’m so glad you managed to see that hurting yourself was carrying on their abuse and now you look after yourself more!! I find the easiest way to do this for myself is to think of the child in me and want to protect her.

        Xx

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      3. *hugs* My T knows me way more than my parents too, because she SEES and HEARS me truly, whereas my parents only saw the image they wanted me to be. I believe with narcissistic parents, we weren’t genuinely seen and heard on fundamentally deep levels as the growing individual we were as children and then teens and adults!

        I hear that worry and it’s SO hard to believe that our Ts really do care right? A friend of mine is a therapist with a caseload full of complex, high needs clients, some of whom have severe complex trauma…I know him, I know he cares so much because I hear about it occasionally… He cares so much and I find myself marvelling at his deep care for his clients…And yet because I know some of his deep private issues (he’s a deeply wounded healer with DID), I think about how T wouldn’t care like that in order for herself to remain healthy…then I feel once again she cares more for “real people” in her life than clients…

        It took me many sessions to want to protect the child in me and have compassion for the child in me.. I used to hate my inner child, want to hurt it, would self harm etc. Right now I’m in a stage where I feel the child is someone else (eg a friend’s inner child) or otherwise “not me”… probably because I’ve been very emotionally numb. I know that child in me IS me though.

        I’m glad you’ve compassion for the child in you! Self compassion is such a difficult and powerful step in healing!

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