I have no more fight left today

This is a warning that I am having some kind of melt down right now and this post is likely to be full of anger and rage and sadness and Christ knows what else. Maybe stop reading now if you are feeling delicate yourself.

I don’t know what’s happening but I am having a really horrible body reaction to how overwhelmed with anxiety, stress and anger I am feeling. I’ve never felt anything like it. My heart is beating out of my chest, my body is tingling and feels weak, I feel sick, my stomach is going crazy and I feel kind of dizzy and spaced out.  A minute ago I felt like if I took a sip of the very large glass of wine I have poured, I might be sick.  My entire body is triggered or something. It feels AWFUL.

If you have been reading lately, you will know the background around the shit storm that is happening at work.  Yesterday I was offered a new position within the company and I felt such intense relief that I could get out of that department and away from those two girls making me feel so shit. At 8pm last night, I got a call from a woman in HR to tell me that she couldn’t agree to me leaving until a replacement had been found and that it would take at least a month.  I totally broke down on the phone to her. I sobbed. I was unable to speak. I totally lost it.  She obviously needed me to tell her what has been going on and so I did, I didn’t have much choice by that stage and so I was honest. I told her how those two girls had been making me feel and that I couldn’t do that for another month and that actually, I seriously would have to leave the firm if that was the case. That wasn’t meant as blackmail – I really would have left.

Luckily once she witnessed the state I was in on the phone, she agreed I could leave my current team this Friday for the Xmas break and start my new department on 2 January.  I came off of that call utterly broken, but relieved.

Today I went into work, which believe me is not easy at the moment.  The 2 girls didn’t speak to me, nothing new there, but I felt more awkward than ever because I knew they probably knew. Later I was called into the head of the department’s office. He is a cold man at the best of times and he wasn’t very supportive. He asked me what was going on, I told him in brief detail that the department wasn’t for me and that it wasn’t working out.  He said “you seemed happy enough at the xmas meal last week” which REALLY pissed me off. What was he implying? That I am lying? Making the whole thing up? I snapped back at him “That was two weeks ago and last week was awful”.  He was blank-faced and even when tears began to fall down my face and I couldn’t get my words out, he just glared at me.  I felt like dying.

When the “meeting” was over, I left his office and the 2 girls were directly outside the room (which by the way is glass so they would have seen me and probably heard me which is just great..).  I walked to the bathroom where I, yet again, collapsed into tears.  I didn’t ever want to come out.

I then got a text message from my ‘aunty’.  She isn’t my blood aunty, but has been in my life since literally the day I was born. She was like a second mother to be growing up. I used to stay at her house all the time with her two boys who I refer to as my cousins.  My mother used to go off gallivanting with her latest bloke and I would stay there for weeks at a time. She was always so loving to me, I’ve always, always loved her.  Anyway, she said she needed to speak to me.  I knew instantly this had to be about my mother because she doesn’t often text me and she never says she “needs” to speak to me. Initially I thought she was going to be a flying monkey and was going to tell me my mum was upset or something and my back was up.  I was wrong.

I spoke to her on the phone at lunch time and what she had to tell me was that she has fallen out with my mother on a HUGE scale because my mother told her she is not to speak to me anymore. I can’t even believe I am typing this.

My aunt was very honest, she admitted that initially when this happened, which was apparently about 6 weeks ago, she said she rarely spoke to me and my mother said to her “If you speak to TT, please tell me” and she admitted that she agreed with that.  Well, you may remember it was this aunt’s birthday party a few weeks after me and my mother fell out and I knew I couldn’t go unless I wanted to see my mother, so I text her to say I couldn’t make it because of what had happened to the kids, and because I had fallen out with my mother and that we weren’t speaking.  She replied at the time to say she was shocked to hear we weren’t speaking and that she was sorry I couldn’t make it.  Well, she also admitted, she sent those messages to my mother when she next requested evidence of our communications.

Apparently my mother then rang her Friday night just gone to ask her if she had spoken to me and she told her that she had text me recently to say she was sick with the flu, but would send me some dates that we could get together as soon as she was better (this was because I asked when I could see her as I couldn’t make her party).  Apparently with this, my mother went APE SHIT at her and they ended up having a really horrible argument on the phone where my mother told her she should be loyal to her and not to me and that she does not expect her to speak to me at all.  I don’t know exactly what else was said but my aunty said that she told my mother she had done nothing wrong and that my mother wasn’t having any of it.

My aunt said she slept on this argument and then Sunday sent my mother a very long message which said………. wait for this…. that she thinks she needs to learn about sexual abuse and the implications it can have because she thinks this is where all the issues started.  That the fact my mother couldn’t and didn’t handle me telling her what happened to me is the start of our problems and said to my mum, that the same thing happened with her and her mother when she spoke out about her own sexual abuse. GOBSMACKED.

She said the message wasn’t aggressive or nasty or blaming, but that she said in it, she thinks if my mum were able to help me deal with it in a better way, we would be closer and that she thinks my mum’s reaction to me telling her what had happened has caused the anger and resentment in me which has led to this huge fall out between us.  I interjected here and said that our problems go way further back than that abuse.  I was 14 when that happened, she had been hurting me since the day I was born.

She then told me she doesn’t know why exactly we fell out. I laughed – literally. Funny that! So I told her the truth. The argument began by me confronting her about what she has been saying to my aunt and to my sister about me and my fiancé, which my mother furiously denied and called my aunt a liar.  She told me if I believed her over my own mother, I could get out of her house. I told her she then went on to tell me I was brainwashed and needed sectioning and all of the rest of it.  My aunt, understandably was gobsmacked.

Anyway, the very long story short is that we realised (well, she did) that my mother wanted to keep us apart so that aunt didn’t find out that the row was about the fact my mother had been caught out.

Apparently my mother never replied to my aunt’s text on Sunday. I’m genuinely very surprised at that because my mother ALWAYS has to have the last word. She told me she doesn’t think they will ever speak again now. I told her I think she might be right.  That’s two people in the last few months that have called my mother out on being a fuck up of a mother. Me and now my aunt. She will be steaming angry.

My aunt said that she does believe my mother is extremely upset that we aren’t speaking and that she will miss my wedding. I told her, well, if she would rather not speak to me again or come to my wedding than take a look in the mirror and admit her mistakes and apologise for them – then whose fault is that? She agreed.

My aunt also told me that a mutual friend of hers and my mother’s had been to see her since this and also said she should stop seeing me for my mother’s sake and that she had said to her she absolutely wouldn’t do that. This mutual friend apparently said to her, “She was a really terrible mother though, I know”.  She apparently said that repeatedly in front of my aunt, and her husband. Shame she doesn’t tell my mother that too.

I told my aunt that my mother was acting like a fucking dictator. Who does she think she is telling her who she can and can’t talk to? EUGH. Thank God she didn’t just comply with my mother. No wonder my mother hasn’t replied to her, she will have cut her off now as she is no longer compliant and enabling.

It’s a shame that not everyone stands up to my mother. My sister won’t see me now either and I know why.  She’s been promoted to golden child and is loving the attention she is getting. Little does she know she’s just been recruited as another rescuer. Someone to give my mother all the narcissistic fix she needs. To tell her how nothing is her fault and that me (and my aunt now) are horrible abusers who she is best off without.  It is only a matter of time before I get a message to tell me she wants nothing more to do with me “because of the way I am treating mum”.  I will link to this page when that happens.

I feel bad for my aunt. She will be feeling so shit right now. She won’t want to lose my mother’s friendship. She has been discarded now she is no use to my mother. It’s actually a GREAT thing but she won’t feel like it is right now, of course.  She’s put up with so much from my mother over the years, I did ask her why she is still in her life anyway. She then told me she would have to “return the lovely bracelet”…. what bracelet? Apparently a few weeks ago my mother gave my aunt an engraved bracelet which said “friends forever”….. clearly it should have said “friends forever.. as long as you do what I say”.

I brought my sister a present this morning. A necklace with an elephant on that symbolises love and a special gift box and gift bag which had stars on it which reminded me of our favourite bedding we had as kids at her dad’s house.  Now I’m not sure whether to send it to her or not, I mean… she clearly doesn’t want to be in my life now anyway. Will it be seen as emotional blackmail? Will it be sent back to me? Ignored? I don’t know what to do.

And then there’s the absolute fuck up with T.

After that wonderful phone call I went back to work and saw T had sent me a text. The text wasn’t for me. It was for Sonia. WHO THE FUCK IS SONIA? Now, accidents happen, mistakes happen – especially when using technology but the problem is, that the way T speaks to Sonia is NOT how she speaks to me.

Firstly “Dearest Sonia”….. then normal therapist shit and then… “Much Love”. OUCH OUCH OWWWW OWWW OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Two tiny and simple words that somehow sliced through my heart.

Well this triggered me instantly of course. Why does she like, sorry LOVE, Sonia and not me? Why is she so warm to her and not to me? Why doesn’t she say things like that to me? How old is she? Why does that even matter? I don’t know.

I know this is totally illogical and irrational and totally immature, but I always hoped it was ME that she liked best. Maybe loved… I always hoped it was ME she had a soft spot for and that I was the only client. For some reason I want to be the only young client – mother/daughter fantasy I guess?

Anyway it fucking hurt and I text her to tell her she had sent it to me by mistake and she replied so casually saying oh yes it did, sorry, see you tonight.. and I thought PFFTTT no you won’t.

And so I cancelled my session.

I have NEVER cancelled a session. Ever. Not once in 3 years, not even for genuine illness.

In fact, my session should start in exactly 5 minutes and I have absolutely no fucks spare to give.

On top of the shit with work, the stuff with my mother and aunty, my sister and everything else, this really was the final nail in the coffin. I just can’t take any more today.  I know that sounds very victim like and poor me and I hate that but… that’s the absolute truth. I feel like if I let myself, I would have some sort of breakdown. I’m not sure I would be able to pick myself up from it very quickly.

I know T sent the text by accident. I know that. (Please God if you comment, don’t say that, I know it I promise) but it has made me feel like she is fake and she doesn’t like or love me in the way I had tricked myself into believing she did. Certainly not like she loves Sonia.

Maybe my attachment system has been activated and I’ve gone into flight mode by not having my session, I can see that at some point in the future, days or weeks, I will be over this enough to talk to her about calmly, but today is not that day and today’s session shouldn’t have been about that and it would have had to be. Not going isn’t about punishing her, it’s about trying to protect ME.

I’ve had enough of fighting this week. I feel mentally exhausted.

On that note, it’s dead on my session time. I bet she thinks I will still be there. I bet she doesn’t believe I won’t go. I pray she doesn’t phone me because I just can’t speak to her. There is no more fight in me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “I have no more fight left today

  1. It’s an awful lot happening all at the same time TT!

    I think you’re taking care of yourself by cancelling your session for today. That text would have massively hurt my feelings if I’d received it. My own T signs any emails with ‘Sincerely’, which I hate, but if I’d seen an email to another client signed Love – wow. Currently I just assume he’s a bit detached with everyone, so I don’t take it personally, mostly. And then she doesn’t even properly apologize or see how upsetting this would be?? Anyone would be upset, you don’t have to have issues and be triggered, the most self-confident person would be hurt IMO.

    Try not to let the ‘girls’ under your skin BTW. I know it’s hard but try having a Teflon skin. You won’t be there long and you know you are valued in most work situations. Keep telling yourself good things about yourself. Just a thought.

    Sometimes you just need to rest and regroup. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. That’s extremely helpful and validating. The message cut deep. Everything else is hugely hurtful and all of it together – at once…. just too much for me to contain.

      I have 2.5 days left which I know is nothing but yet feels like an eternity.

      X

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  2. Oh love, so much going on 😞

    Not even sure where to start!

    The text is an ugly mess. I hope she will acknowledge the obvious effect it was bound to have on you, and offer more than just a passing sorry, which just seems like salt on the wound right now. I would have totally reacted the same way.

    Your mum’s behaviour is just insane. The need for control seems as critical as it is to breathe. High five to ‘aunty’ for joining the club and taking a stand, I would bet shes been able to do that because of your bravery. Because God it is tough to break out of claws like that, the mental enmeshment is as good as physical chains. I don’t wish for you to be without a loving relationship with your mother, but I do wish for you to be as far away from her as possible, physically and emotionally, whilst she remains so disfunctional and toxic.

    With your sister I imagine only time will tell. You may only get that relationship back if your mum crosses one line too many and burns her beyond what she can bear.

    I’m so very glad about the new position and every step you’ve taken to get it. I’m sorry it’s been so distressing, I relate to being intimidated by younger women but can’t quite pinpoint why. It seems to remind me of being bullied at school, isolated and outcast, laughed at, judged and gossiped about. People can be clicky and cruel, and it speaks volumes about them, not you.

    Lots and lots of hugs

    Xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you love.

      There was a hell of a lot in that blog I know.

      The text: I can’t even … honestly I just don’t know how I’ll get over it. She can only apologise for sending it by accident. She can’t really explain in any beneficial way why she is more loving to Sonia than me…. maybe time will help.

      My mum: yep. Control is her air. I’m so pleased my Aunty has joined my club but I do worry about her staying it in…. she’s put up with this shit for 40 years! Soon I’ll be blamed by my mum for “coming between them” which is what she used to say to me when I was 9 about her and my Nan. She’s such a prick.

      Yep. Sadly I think you’re right. I never expected things to go this way. I’ve been more of a mother to her than my mother ever has. She has a short memory.

      I’m so sorry you can relate to that. I think it’s the same for me. Bullying is awful and it also reminds me of primary school. I know it’s about them, I just don’t feel I have the strength right now that I usually would to put on a brave face xx

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  3. I’m glad that there are people who can see what your mum is really like. Try not to feel bad about your aunt. She made the decision of her own accord. She has clearly observed your mother’s behaviour over many, many years and can see how terrible it is.
    ‘Much love’ – I didn’t realise she used that word. I can see why you’re so angry. Sorry to sound cold, but your T shouldn’t be that familiar with any client. I get wanting a high level of care and connection from a T though. Her response definitely didn’t grasp the seriousness of her error. I can understand not wanting to see her when it feels so raw. I do feel like she is getting off lightly not having to face your feelings in the moment. The risk of a therapisty response always stops me from confronting my T directly about her errors.
    I hope the rest of the working week goes quickly for you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yeah, if you go to my initial post, I pasted the exact message there. Much love is very familiar isn’t it…. she’s only ever used “kind regards” or “kind thoughts” with me. It hurts so much. Even the “dearest” thing hurts.

      I keep thinking maybe it’s a friend but se would be conflicted wouldn’t she!

      Yeah you’re right about my aunt… but why has she stayed all these years? She has had periods of years where they haven’t spoken, why does she make up with her again? She’s codependent I think. I worry she will get sucked back in. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It feels like the universe decided to offload a dump truck of craziness into your life at all once hey?! Goodness me… who would have any fight left with that pile of rubble. Can we just quickly acknowledge what a dumbass your HOD appears to be with those remarks? He CLEARLY wasn’t being much of a head of a department if he didn’t even notice your unhappiness this last while. And when he gets told about it face to face, that is the best response he can give? Nah, no time for that.

    And then your mom. Wow. To have the cheek to dictate to your other loved ones whether they may have a relationship with you and on what terms. Sooooo glad you and your aunt were able to talk it out and piece together what’s been happening. Having loved ones validate your feelings is the much needed support you need right now.

    Keep on venting as much as you need to here. Such a yucky place to be in when you feel as though you literally feel depleted and knocked down. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have such a good way with words Jay. I can’t believe only last night I was commenting on your post and then that happened today.

      Ha yesssss the universe was against me more than normal today. Definitely knocked the fight out of me.

      Yes he’s a massive bell-end. The guy has no people skills. How do people like him end up as head of department in employment???? EMPLOYMENT? 😂

      I said that to my aunt. She doesn’t have the right to dictate to her (or anyone else) who she can and can’t talk to. But someone who looked after me my entire childhood? Like what you get to pick and choose when she’s allowed to speak to me and when she isn’t? No thanks.

      Thank you. You guys have helped so much. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi, Twink! I’ve been reading through your shitty day, and your concerned and loving friends. I have a question, T. Are you drinking? Just a question from a concerned and loving friend. TS

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  6. None of this is okay and you don’t have to take it. You’ve done fantastically well standing up for yourself so far! Hang in there, only a couple more days until you get a break and can surround yourself with people who love you and will hopefully look after you emotionally. We are all here for you, any time you need a listening ear. 🙂

    Like

  7. I don’t have many words (turns out Christmas is just one big trauma trigger after years of my Mum being extra crazy and swinging between rageful and distraught!!) but just wanted to say how tough all this sounds. I am amazed you’re holding it together at work, well done! And just over 48 hours left now, right? And I would have cancelled my session too, a message like that would have sent me over the edge. Last year I got triggered into an emotional flashback that lasted weeks I think because there were some gifts under my T’s Christmas tree. I hope you’re feeling okay-ish today. Sending a big hug xxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Try not to feel anything negative to yourself about it. Your reactions are valid and valued – it is okay to feel anything you do about it. I know I would have been totally crippled by it.

        Does she know that you cancelled because of the text? Have you had any contact with her since?

        Like

      2. Yes I think so. She said something like “On top of everything else that has happened you are now upset with me too? Try not to run away” but it was too late I was totally triggered by it. I thought it would pass but I feel like keeping her at arm’s length xx

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