My Soul is awakened – a hugely important moment in my recovery process

I’m both excited to write this post and nervous. I’m excited because I’m desperate to share with you this wonderful moment that I’ve had… and at the same time I’m nervous that I won’t be able to find the words to explain how important this moment feels to me. I want to do it justice.

I’m also aware it may sound a bit “airy-fairy” and “out there” but it’s my truth I suppose and so I’m going to do my best to explain it.

You’ll know if you read my post from Saturday night, that during the course of the weekend, it really sank in for me that I wasn’t and haven’t ever been my real self around my mother. That deeper, or perhaps more emotional, understanding felt important and significant and I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about how clear that is. As I said on Saturday, it’s another one of those moments in therapy when something really clicks on a deeper level. Something that you knew logically finally fully makes sense to you and you know life will never be the same now you know that particular thing.

It was good.

Then yesterday I went about my business, me and my fiancΓ© went to the shops and then on the way home we popped in to see my sister’s new (and first) new pad with her boyfriend. She was casually telling us the details of the drama with my mother and cousin from the previous weekend and she said this sentence..

“And then mum just went “oh get me out of this room, I’m so f-ing bored of my daughter””.

My mouth fell open!!

She didn’t even seem particular upset by it considering. I was gobsmacked. Wow.

Anyway, we continued our visit and later I left to go home. I felt pretty happy. I enjoyed seeing my sister and I enjoyed seeing her living away from my mother and in her own home. I guess I felt quite content and comforted.

I decided to do some ironing (even though I hate it!) and as I was hanging something up, the plastic hanger snapped.

*flash of rage!!!*

I got a new hanger out the tub and….. SNAP!!

Oh my God! The anger! The hot, hot rage that went through my body! I threw the hanger across the room where it shattered into loads of pieces and I screamed “AAAGGGHH!!!!!”.

Wow. What was that?!

By now I felt very angry and agitated. I knew it wasn’t going to pass. Suddenly everything was shit and I was angry at the world. I kept hearing the words

“I’m bored of my daughter”

My god. (Note: as I’m typing this now my heart is beating really fast!!).

I went and had a shower and as the water hit my back, I cried.

I decided to get my notebook/journal out and write a bit to see if I could release anything. I started writing about how I’m therapy I’ve had 4 key moments of really understanding something and I was planning to write out my latest one. I kept randomly crying but they were angry tears rather than sad tears. I could feel the need to scream building inside me again.

What was going on?

I started to write this: (excuse the terrible handwriting!)

And then…. I decided that writing just wasn’t working. It wasn’t flowing how I wanted it to, it wasn’t helping me. It felt wrong because I was feeling angry, and that writing was trying to be useful or provide insight or hope or something. It felt …. kinda disingenuous.

So I just started to scribble. Here is what happened next. I hope you guys that read this are able to make some sense out of it. It may be that it’s only me it made sense to, it feels very personal, very raw, very, very important to me: I hope it makes sense to someone.

“WHO ARE YOU????” Is what she repeatedly screamed at me the night we had that huge argument which led to me going no contact.

“WHO ARE YOU?”

I took that to mean “what have you become” which, on the surface, is what she meant, I guess but now it feels like what she was really in touch with, what she was really FURIOUS about was actually that she couldn’t see me at all. I was confusing her. I was giving her one hell of a narcissistic injury. Who am I?

Not you, that’s who.

Who are you?

I’m me. At last I’m me! I’m me and not you! I’m my real self and not my false self.

The fear of annihilation is real. I’ve lived with it my entire life.

And all of a sudden in this moment it feels like something huge has happened… like a real awakening has taken place. A shift, a transformation? I don’t know the word.

It’s like my soul has just be rescued. I’ve been saved and brought back to life.

A piece of me has just been seen and understood and integrated for the first time.

Never to be killed off or banished again.

Here I am.

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28 thoughts on “My Soul is awakened – a hugely important moment in my recovery process

  1. I’m glad you are feeling you are getting at a better stage and feeling that release, not gripped by your mum. So sorry to hear how she has treated your sister, but because i have followed your blog for some months now, it does not surprise me that your mum has started doing the same to her and because it is now happening, your sister has found out unfortunately herself. But this may not be the end of it for her, with what your mum has done to you. If this is the case, try not to get too involved, stay back and visit your sister to her enjoy her company, because your sister will have to make the break from her mum herself. I am thinking of it this way as so you both have that relationship as sisters, enjoying each others companies. Staying out of it so that thee is no bitchy comments saying she said this or that tact.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is completely awesome! What realisations! I will come back and read it again later (it is triggering for me, but in a good way i.e. I think there are things I’ve sort of realised but not completely and can use in my recovery, but not good for me to be going in to at work…). You are doing so well with all of this. And OMG ‘who are you?’ is something I’ve had screamed at me (along with ‘why are you doing this?’) many, many times and you’re right – it’s a huge narcissistic injury and the question ‘why are you doing this’ underlines her utter confusion – ‘who are you, why are you not me anymore?’ (and then for them I guess it leads to ‘who am I?’ because we are their mirrors, right? their face was blank and we reflected themselves back to them to make us safe?) This is a bit jumbled but I am excited for you! Hugs xxx

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  3. YAAAAAASS

    One of the early things Marge asked me was whether most of my anxiety was caused by being afraid of being myself! The answer was yes!! The fear for my own survival if I dare be myself has been all consuming and basically dictated my entire life and suffocated my true self. The conflict of that is immense, like split personalities! Completely impossible to live like that and be happy, but on top of that, the dispair of not knowing that was what was happening, feeling like I was broken and faulty and worthless and just didn’t fit in the world. Numerous times its made me question the point of my existence and at my most desperate and depressed I’ve questioned whether I can bear to live with it.

    Welcome to YOUR life, YOUR choices, YOUR dreams. Welcome to YOU my girl!

    HIGH-FECKING-FIVE **YOU**!!! πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

    Today is a great day!

    Xxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. eeeeekkkkkkkkkkk thank you so much. I love the enthusiasm you have for me right now. I need to shout it from the rooftops (although that would be MEGA weird!). Mate what you’ve written is VERY inspiring! I actually wrote last night (and didn’t upload) that if my sister ever went through with what she sometimes wants to do, her blood would be on my mother’s hands. It’s one thing us killing off our selves as children because of them – but if my sister hates her true self so much (because of my mother) that she is suicidal, I know why now on a really deep level. xxx

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  4. Oh I’ve just had a realisation about the engulfing thing after re-reading your notebook stuff!!! I’ve said before I was engulfed, but never really understood it. We were actually engulfed, we became our mothers, we split off ourselves so they would see themselves reflected back and love us/not abandon us to die (which they clearly still did anyway). I think I thought engulfing us meant controlling us and smothering us but I’ve just understood on a deep level that it has literally meant we had no sense of self. Our self was literally engulfed into their sense of self. This is HUGE and I cannot wait to share this with my T later today. Thank you for sharing all this, I can see how vulnerable and exposing it must have felt but it has helped me so much with understanding just how fucking bad having an engulfing NM really is for our souls and selves and development and everything.

    I can feel loads of little links going off in my head now – ping, ping, ping! I will try and write something myself on this later this week and stop taking up space on your blog lol xxx

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    1. OMG YAAASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so pleased you seem to totally get what I was saying!!! I can’t find the words to fully articulate what has happened for me and what I have just really, deeply understood but you deffo have got it here “I think I thought engulfing us meant controlling us and smothering us but I’ve just understood on a deep level that it has literally meant we had no sense of self. Our self was literally engulfed into their sense of self” – exactly that. You word it in a way I couldn’t. I always thought engulfing meant controlling too! I had never considered, even for a moment, it meant literal engulment. Like total take-over. Death of our true self!!! The notes where I talk about the baby seeing the mother’s face as blank and cold and detached – and then us having to be THEIR mirror, rather than the other way around – I mean, f*ck, can you even imagine how a baby does that? How does that feel? How did we survive that?

      My T has said many, many times “she could have killed you” or “she nearly killed you” or “it’s the fear of total anihilation” and i never really “got it”. Until now.

      How did we survive this? How did we not only survive this, but come out the other side????? Seriously. It has totally blown my mind!

      I can also feel all the pings that you refer to lol! Don’t feel you are taking up space here, honestly, the more you want to write, the better – I feel like I need to talk about this a lot today to get it fully understood in my head.

      All of a sudden I see the devastation for what it is. They literally made us kill our true selves in order to be their mirror. xx

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      1. Yes yes yes! Like I got that when we looked in their eyes we didn’t see ourselves reflected back, so we had no mirror to learn who we were/are, but I never got what this MEANT. WE DID NOT EXIST.

        OMFG, how did we survive? I wrote something on touch and depersonalisation last year which I am now going to put on my blog, so take a read. I think it actually fits with this whole mirroring/engulfing/loss of self thing.

        I am so excited for therapy tonight!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. omg omg also…. you know when our T’s have been really nice or we’ve connected really well/they’ve been really attuned and then it’s made me (us?) really, really upset and grieve deeply? now that makes more sense to me. And remember when my T said to me that she can’t smother me with love and affection and physical hugs etc because it is dangerous for me and not what I need – now I get that too………. it would have been more engulfement right?? Perhaps we wanted to merge with our T’s because that is all we knew how to do?? I dunno…. I dunno if what I am saying is total crap but these are all pinging in my head!!! xxx

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      3. Yes yes! But also – real attunement would be a threat right, it would mean we were being SEEN and that was dangerous! So it would be scary to experience being seen, because we might DIE as a result of it!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. OMG, is this why nice men and people being nice to me literally terrifies me? In case they see my real self? I have a fear of being seen for who I really am… IS THIS WHY? If so this is the saddest most fucking devastating thing I can imagine happening to a BABY!

        Like

      5. I think there’s something wrong with the link – it substitutes my own site address instead of yours and I wonder if it’s something to do with using “view” in the address?

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  5. Hi! Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this from your heart because it went straight to mine. Seeing someone else very subjectively navigate thoughts and feeling about something I came to realize about my own life just shows me connected we all truly are. What I’m really saying is that it makes sense. You kept saying you weren’t sure if this made any sense to anyone. But it does. Icant thank you enough. Much Love to you ❀

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