Do you ever find yourself suddenly understanding something, like, reallyyyy making real sense of something? Just suddenly (even though actually it’s not sudden at all, it’s years in the making)?
I find myself sitting here tonight and suddenly it’s so clear:
I was NEVER my true self around my mother. I tried to be what she wanted me to be. I tried to be her. To please her. I tried to be all of the things she approved of.
And now I AM.
Like it’s that simple.
Because I was her little mini-me, clone, puppet on a string ….. she was happy.
And now I’m not…. she’s not. Simple.
And so of course it makes perfect sense that she would hate my fiancé/my therapist for “changing me” because she’s never seen me enough to know who I actually am – who I’ve always been really.
I’m kinda blown away and yet some of this (maybe even all of this) is old news. It just suddenly feels as though i now deeply understand it on some deeper level. Emotionally rather than logically perhaps?
I was putting some buffet food out earlier tonight for my stepson’s birthday, after spending the day playing board games and cooking food and lighting candles on birthday cakes and I thought to myself “who wouldn’t enjoy this stuff??” Like what parent wouldn’t want to do these things for their child?
I don’t know quite how I’ve managed to find my true self again (again or for the first time?), but I have. I like being home with my fiancé and stepkids. I like playing board games with them and making dinners and baking cakes. I like going to the gym. I like chucking on trainers and a jumper some days, I like going for walks. I like our caravan holidays and making memories.
I’ll never, ever, again be who she thinks I am and who she wants me to be. Who I was for a while whether that was real or not.
The whole “extension of herself” never made sense to me – until now.