And it clicks…..

Do you ever find yourself suddenly understanding something, like, reallyyyy making real sense of something? Just suddenly (even though actually it’s not sudden at all, it’s years in the making)?

I find myself sitting here tonight and suddenly it’s so clear:

I was NEVER my true self around my mother. I tried to be what she wanted me to be. I tried to be her. To please her. I tried to be all of the things she approved of.

And now I AM.

Like it’s that simple.

Because I was her little mini-me, clone, puppet on a string ….. she was happy.

And now I’m not…. she’s not. Simple.

And so of course it makes perfect sense that she would hate my fiancé/my therapist for “changing me” because she’s never seen me enough to know who I actually am – who I’ve always been really.

I’m kinda blown away and yet some of this (maybe even all of this) is old news. It just suddenly feels as though i now deeply understand it on some deeper level. Emotionally rather than logically perhaps?

I was putting some buffet food out earlier tonight for my stepson’s birthday, after spending the day playing board games and cooking food and lighting candles on birthday cakes and I thought to myself “who wouldn’t enjoy this stuff??” Like what parent wouldn’t want to do these things for their child?

I don’t know quite how I’ve managed to find my true self again (again or for the first time?), but I have. I like being home with my fiancé and stepkids. I like playing board games with them and making dinners and baking cakes. I like going to the gym. I like chucking on trainers and a jumper some days, I like going for walks. I like our caravan holidays and making memories.

I’ll never, ever, again be who she thinks I am and who she wants me to be. Who I was for a while whether that was real or not.

The whole “extension of herself” never made sense to me – until now.

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11 thoughts on “And it clicks…..

  1. WOW, Twink: This feels like Xmas, Birthday and Your Day all in one, with all those goodies and presents and presence. You’re really YOU!! Hooray! Blowing kisses – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is huge, Twink! I am in this place with my mother too — a lot of my stuff with her happens around her constant critique of my body, which started very young. sometimes when I am cuddling my little boys, i think to myself: ‘who could not love their child’s body as it is? what has to be wrong with a person to make them not fall completely in love with the child they created?’ it’s been hard to think about the answer, but a big step in my healing too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can totally relate to that! I’m just understanding that my body couldn’t be okay (yet alone perfect) unless it was like hers. This explains why she always told me my hair, skin, clothes etc were bad unless she picked them. More dramatically it explains why she told me to get a boob job after she got one herself. She always told me I had fat thighs “like my dad’s side of the family” . Now I get it: I have to be the same as her or I am faulty.

      I’m really sorry you also received lots of body shaming. I know how deep those scars go. I don’t have my own children yet, but even with my stepchildren I genuinely can’t ever imagine saying something (anything!!!) about their body! Ever and those children aren’t even my own blood.

      Even with my stepkids all I want is that they feel happy with themselves and that they feel loved and seen and approved of my their mother and father, and my me and their grandparents. How any biological mother can feel differently is genuinely beyond me xx

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      1. I certainly can in many ways. I never really even knew who I was before so didn’t really have a sense of self to share, just sorta was what people wanted me to be…. but no more. It was hard still being just myself around my family when I got back in touch with them, but I love being authentic and have definitely come to accept that the people who like me for me are the keepers, and the ones that matter, whether they come in the shape of family or friends, or whoever! xx

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  3. Ive made it a habit to tell my daughters that I love them exactly the way that they are, no matter what, unconditionally. It might not mean much to them because they’ve not experienced the opposite, but it means so much coming from me. What a revelation, and gift, having these realizations. It must feel so good to accept these things and yourself, and know that it is ok to be separate and different, and unique.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow that’s so nice of you, well done for doing that (I hope that doesn’t sound patronising!) and I totally get what you mean about how they haven’t experienced the opposite (thank god!!). My stepkids haven’t either so they often act like they take things for granted and sometime I do have to remind myself that, they SHOULD take those things for granted! (Dunno if that makes sense?) xx

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      1. Absolutely makes sense! Let them be little, because today is the last day they will be this small. Tomorrow will bring something new! The blessing in our experiences is that we know how not to be.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s so true. The epiphany we have of ourselves come later. It’s like this revelation that makes us wonder why we never knew this before. Worse is the knowledge that if only we realized it sooner, how happier we would have been. As a side note, I hadn’t realized you were a stepmom. I have my many challenges. What have you done, if applicable, to try to understand the kids i.e. get along with them?

    Liked by 2 people

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