Packing up my feelings

Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend and I were packing up our house to move when I couldn’t ignore the sense that he was also moving away from me, emotionally speaking. 

I confronted him and suggested that we moved out separately because it felt that was what he wanted. He said he wasn’t sure – but he didn’t say no and so I took that as my answer. I began running around the house collecting my things ready to take away with me – in a hurry.
Later in the dream, i was in my car, he was driving behind me and the car in front of me crashed at some traffic lights. I remember thinking how upset I would be if it were my car that was smashed like that. 

That thing happened again – I have a dream about therapy – I understand or make sense or something and then I wake up and I’ve forgotten! This has happened the last few nights and is infuriating because I know it’s bringing me some clarity. 

It was something to do with the article I read last night about not being able to grieve a childhood that you didn’t have, because you can’t appreciate the loss of something that you’ve never had. 

It was about how you start to get glimpses in therapy of how that original attachment should have been (via the relationship with the therapist) and how you play that out – take it in, let it emotionally “feed” you and/or pull away from it because the thought of trusting it’s safe is so scary.  The fear of abandonment. 

I had a thought that the reason I went into my last session before the break feeling like I had no feelings or emotions to discuss, nothing to use to connect with her was because I had put it all away – because of the break. But I think also because T didn’t react how I hoped she would on Tuesday when she made her harmless (badly-timed) joke…. I think it scared the child and vulnerable part of me back away, I packed up my feelings and left. 

I think the dream of packing up the house and moving out alone may symbolise this – vulnerability and dependence.

Perhaps witnessing the car crash and thinking how upset I would be if it were my car “smashed in” is a symbol of the fear of conflict… not wanting to tell her it had upset me. 

It’s played on my mind that when she mentioned blogging on Tuesday I didn’t tell her I had started my own blog – I’ve been questioning myself why? I think it’s because when I attempted new things or got excited about things like this as a child, my mum would mock it and ruin it. I guess I wanted to keep it “safe” from being ruined. I know this is transference because she wouldn’t do that – she is always encouraging.

I also note I had a bit of a Freudian slip by saying “when I wrote on my blog...” then corrected myself quickly “journal”… ahhhh! 

She also asked whether I write things that I wouldn’t “bring to her” I said no…  

Real answer: Yes! 

Why exactly do I pay for therapy yet go and not tell the whole, scary truth? Is it fear? Fear of being mocked, fear of upsetting her: our relationship….

Good girls don’t say things like that, do they? Ive learnt that if I am not good, nice and have no feelings, I’ll be abandoned. 
I guess I’ll have to tell her this then.