Packing up my feelings 

Last night I had a dream that my boyfriend and I were packing up our house to move when I couldn’t ignore the sense that he was also moving away from me, emotionally speaking. 

I confronted him and suggested that we moved out separately because it felt that was what he wanted. He said he wasn’t sure – but he didn’t say no and so I took that as my answer. I began running around the house collecting my things ready to take away with me – in a hurry.
Later in the dream, i was in my car, he was driving behind me and the car in front of me crashed at some traffic lights. I remember thinking how upset I would be if it were my car that was smashed like that. 

That thing happened again – I have a dream about therapy – I understand or make sense or something and then I wake up and I’ve forgotten! This has happened the last few nights and is infuriating because I know it’s bringing me some clarity. 

It was something to do with the article I read last night about not being able to grieve a childhood that you didn’t have, because you can’t appreciate the loss of something that you’ve never had. 

It was about how you start to get glimpses in therapy of how that original attachment should have been (via the relationship with the therapist) and how you play that out – take it in, let it emotionally “feed” you and/or pull away from it because the thought of trusting it’s safe is so scary.  The fear of abandonment. 

I had a thought that the reason I went into my last session before the break feeling like I had no feelings or emotions to discuss, nothing to use to connect with her was because I had put it all away – because of the break. But I think also because T didn’t react how I hoped she would on Tuesday when she made her harmless (badly-timed) joke…. I think it scared the child and vulnerable part of me back away, I packed up my feelings and left. 

I think the dream of packing up the house and moving out alone may symbolise this – vulnerability and dependence.

Perhaps witnessing the car crash and thinking how upset I would be if it were my car “smashed in” is a symbol of the fear of conflict… not wanting to tell her it had upset me. 

It’s played on my mind that when she mentioned blogging on Tuesday I didn’t tell her I had started my own blog – I’ve been questioning myself why? I think it’s because when I attempted new things or got excited about things like this as a child, my mum would mock it and ruin it. I guess I wanted to keep it “safe” from being ruined. I know this is transference because she wouldn’t do that – she is always encouraging.

I also note I had a bit of a Freudian slip by saying “when I wrote on my blog...” then corrected myself quickly “journal”… ahhhh! 

She also asked whether I write things that I wouldn’t “bring to her” I said no…  

Real answer: Yes! 

Why exactly do I pay for therapy yet go and not tell the whole, scary truth? Is it fear? Fear of being mocked, fear of upsetting her: our relationship….

Good girls don’t say things like that, do they? Ive learnt that if I am not good, nice and have no feelings, I’ll be abandoned. 
I guess I’ll have to tell her this then. 

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9 thoughts on “Packing up my feelings 

  1. You certainly seem to be hiding a lot from her. What would it take do you think for you to feel safe enough to reveal a bit more of yourself? Is there anything she could do?
    Her joke about the easter break wasn’t good timing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do, don’t I? And I didn’t even realise!

      Is there anything she could do… good question. No, I don’t think so. She really is great and the adult part of me knows she is safe and trustworthy – I know she won’t mock me. Clearly the child part is still playing catch up.

      Now I won’t see her for another 10 days (ahhh!!!) …

      I’m thinking at the moment, I’ll take my blog posts and read them to her/let her read them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh wow your blog is so insightful! I can’t believe I haven’t come across it before!
    I am certainly no expert on therapy, but I do believe that you are doing yourself a great favor by writing about your thoughts, whether online or in a journal. Certainly, a therapist plays an important role in your journey, but I’m sure she understands that people need time to open up to a person that’s right in front of them. You will do so in your own time, I am sure. Until then, this blog seems like a wonderful place to inspire people who may be going through something similar, and yet don’t necessarily have a therapist to talk to.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! I’m so sorry I never saw this comment until just now, apparently I had to approve it!! Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope you can relate to it or get something from it? Thank you for reading, the support has been great x x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I get the sense that you’re actually far more emotionally intelligent than you give yourself credit for! And you’re probably ‘far more…’ a lot of things that you don’t realise. It sounds like you’re doing some really great work for yourself, and well done for Sharing it all. There’s something so healing about laying it all bare, stripping back the layers and allowing yourself to be vulnerable- you get to pick out the bits you want to keep, get rid of the stuff than no longer serves you, and begin to rebuild a version of you that you love unconditionally. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah thank you that’s so sweet.

      There is. Letting myself become vulnerable has been tough for me! I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone now to force myself to tell her things and think about my thoughts when it’s easier to just hide. It’s hard but I love it at the same time, which is an odd concept! X

      Liked by 1 person

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