It was my last session before the therapy break yesterday and I had forgotten! I’m not entirely sure how that is possible given I’ve spent over a month in countdown for it and spent Tuesday night’s session crying at the thought of it – defenses? Maybe.
The session yesterday was very light-hearted. Very different from Tuesday’s session where I cried a fair bit. I wanted to find something to connect with her on in one way, yet in another, it is easier to leave for the break on more of a light-hearted chat… I guess it depends what mood I am in on the day.
I slept heavily last night and I know that I dreamt about her – I remember waking (I think) and “understanding” something about her – I can’t articulate this very well because the memory is now hazy – more or less gone. It was like I accepted or understood something from the child’s point of view – my inner child that is.. like I was a small child and I understood why the break was so painful for her – but now it’s gone away again and I can’t get it back.
I read some articles this morning in bed about the therapy break and I had tears falling down my face again… one thing that I hate about it is that it hasn’t even begun yet – I wouldn’t normally see her again until next Tuesday, yet the countdown to the break being over has already started … that makes me feel both sad and needy.
I was reading a wonderful book which I finished today, the ending of which was very tear-jerking and I cried again. I’ve been wanting to write here, but I don’t know what it is I have to say. How do I feel and what am I thinking and feeling? I don’t know. What would happen in an ideal world – I still don’t know.
I’ve worked in absolute silence today. No TV, no radio. Absolutely no background noise and that is unheard of for me – does that mean my brain is noisy enough with unconscious thoughts that I just can’t grasp?
I look around the house and notice I need to clean, the house needs hovering and dusting – bathroom needs bleaching yet I just don’t want to do it. I am usually extremely OCD about this so that is also weird. Have I regressed or have I put my barriers back up to defend myself for this break and I’m having a strop? Am I angry? I don’t seem to have the answers. I guess that’s okay, isn’t it?
My T says that I like everything to be neat and tidy – to have its place – to be understood…. she says that I don’t like my “messy feelings” and we’ve been working on trying to get me to stay with them – to tolerate them but not let them overcome me.
So this is a work in progress but this is me saying – I don’t know how I feel today but I won’t lie, the break that I am already “in” in my head, sucks arse.