The therapy break hasn’t even started.. yet it has started for me

It was my last session before the therapy break yesterday and I had forgotten! I’m not entirely sure how that is possible given I’ve spent over a month in countdown for it and spent Tuesday night’s session crying at the thought of it – defenses? Maybe.

The session yesterday was very light-hearted. Very different from Tuesday’s session where I cried a fair bit.  I wanted to find something to connect with her on in one way, yet in another, it is easier to leave for the break on more of a light-hearted chat… I guess it depends what mood I am in on the day.

I slept heavily last night and I know that I dreamt about her – I remember waking (I think) and “understanding” something about her – I can’t articulate this very well because the memory is now hazy – more or less gone.  It was like I accepted or understood something from the child’s point of view – my inner child that is.. like I was a small child and I understood why the break was so painful for her – but now it’s gone away again and I can’t get it back.

I read some articles this morning in bed about the therapy break and I had tears falling down my face again… one thing that I hate about it is that it hasn’t even begun yet – I wouldn’t normally see her again until next Tuesday, yet the countdown to the break being over has already started … that makes me feel both sad and needy.

I was reading a wonderful book which I finished today, the ending of which was very tear-jerking and I cried again. I’ve been wanting to write here, but I don’t know what it is I have to say. How do I feel and what am I thinking and feeling? I don’t know. What would happen in an ideal world – I still don’t know.

I’ve worked in absolute silence today. No TV, no radio. Absolutely no background noise and that is unheard of for me – does that mean my brain is noisy enough with unconscious thoughts that I just can’t grasp?

I look around the house and notice I need to clean,  the house needs hovering and dusting – bathroom needs bleaching yet I just don’t want to do it.  I am usually extremely OCD about this so that is also weird. Have I regressed or have I put my barriers back up to defend myself for this break and I’m having a strop? Am I angry? I don’t seem to have the answers. I guess that’s okay, isn’t it?

My T says that I like everything to be neat and tidy – to have its place – to be understood…. she says that I don’t like my “messy feelings” and we’ve been working on trying to get me to stay with them – to tolerate them but not let them overcome me.

So this is a work in progress but this is me saying – I don’t know how I feel today but I won’t lie, the break that I am already “in” in my head, sucks arse.

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4 thoughts on “The therapy break hasn’t even started.. yet it has started for me

  1. Dear Twinkletoes (one of my favorite names!) So sorry it’s so hard. I just want to tell you one thing: “but now it’s gone away again and I can’t get it back.” If you’ve had it once you CAN get it back. It WILL come back! My first therapist, in the 1960’s told me this. I was so very unreal at the time, I couldn’t continue to live. One morning I woke up and I was real. It was like turning from being a large ugly stone to a spring bird. After 3 days, it went away. Me Stone Again. That’s when Marcia said it would come back. It did. I just wanted you to know this. HTH. This work is so hard and so endless – I am crying today because my T has a doctor’s appointment so our session for today is cancelled. I know she is OK and we are OK but I FEEL like the lonely silent hurt child. Please keep writing and sharing so all your Bloggy Friends can hold hands through these times (and even happy songbird times!!) Hugs – TS

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh thank you, what a lovely comment! I’m brand new to blogging – a week today in fact and I didn’t realise quite how much comments like this validate and support! Thank you. It is hard isn’t it? And endless it certainly feels!

      Agh I’m sorry your t cancelled! I totally get your feeling of the lonely, silent child, does it make you want to scream “no! This isn’t fair!!” At the top of your lungs?

      Sorry if this is a stupid question, but do you blog? If so, how can I find you and follow??

      TT x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, TT. I have different parts, but so far, no one who wants to blog. I’m sorry – I know that feels very unfair to people who do all the hard work of blogging. Also, I seem to go through periods where I don’t respond (feels like a different part is reading) and times when I have strong reactions to a number of bloggers, and a part (or parts) who do want to reach out. I am also coming to realize that I am just as difficult to find in real life (IRL). Oy. (That’s Brooklynese – I’m sure you get it!) PS I think my T will be able to give me a makeup session on the weekend. Yay! So now I am crying about that. Please hang in there, TT – this stuff is really hard – but we are NOT alone now! TS

        Liked by 1 person

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