So many tears

I’m not quite sure what happened last night. I had felt okay at work, not great, but okay. I felt a little miserable because I had woken up with a cold and so was dozing myself up on day nurse and having to blow my nose a million times and then Michael (the boss who is, let’s say “difficult) decided to be rather rude to me when I was trying to help him set up a very important conference yesterday morning. He looked at me with a look of pure disgust, looked down at his papers and waved me off dismissively. Not the biggest crime of the century but inside me I felt such a rush of anger. I could have exploded!

I stomped off and bumped into my friend and said “he’s such a fucking prick!!” I was so angry you know when you have the energy pulsing through your body and you don’t know what to do with it? Yeah, that was happening.

Anyway, it’s nothing he hasn’t done a million times before but every time it gets me so mad. I told a friend last night that when someone tells me off or is short with me I often get this weird sensation. I don’t know how to explain it really, it’s like…. it sounds ridiculous but it’s like my heart actually hurts for a second and then my eyes instantly fill up and I want to cry. That’s happened to me ever since I can remember. Once I was talking over a news headline and someone said “hang on” and put their hand up and I cried. Even if someone says my name in a way that means “really??” I cry… clearly I’m very sensitive.

Anyway I got on with my day at work and it was okay. Just okay.

When I got on the train after work I felt my mood begin to change and the closer I got to home, the worst my mood was. By the time I reached my house it clearly reached its peak and when I got inside, I absolutely broke down. I’m talking proper sobs, hyperventilating, nearly being sick crying. It was awful.

I didn’t have any thoughts or memories or anything to accompany this breakdown, but I was scared by it. It felt so huge and so consuming and it felt as though it had come from nowhere! What was I crying for?

I was scared by the strength of the tears and the strength of the emotion that was pouring out of me and scared by the fact that I didn’t even know why! I was also angry and annoyed and scared that I was falling apart again! I had only been back at work for 3 days for God’s sake. I had just had 3 weeks off to sort myself out and here I was her again, falling apart.

I text my good friend who was so kind and reminded me to breathe and that it would pass etc. I told her I didn’t want to go to therapy (which was now less than an hour away). I text my husband and told him I was in a state and that I didn’t want to go therapy and he insisted I had to go. He told me he would drive me as I was not in a state to drive. That made me feel guilty because now he had put himself out for me too. Wah!!

I was still a crying mess ten minutes after the time I should have left. Eventually I got into the car and text my T to tell her what was happening. I also told her the truth that I didn’t want to come but that I knew I should and that I was on my way. I took a flask of tea and a big scarf to try and make myself feel safer. I cried the entire car journey.

When I knocked on T’s door, the tears fell again and she said “well done” and I cried more. How on earth can there be so many damn tears??

T basically reassured me that it was okay to cry and that it was okay to come to my session upset and that it was safe. She said how she could handle my emotions and that I wouldn’t kill her off which is what she thought I was afraid of. That I wasn’t too much. I cried again…

She told me that I had never had the experience of being held in my pain. That my mother couldn’t handle my feelings. She asked me what my mother would have done if I was crying like this and I said she would either shout at me or send me to my room. I spent A LOT of time in my room. T said that is why I cry alone and why I would feel too much when I’m feeling strong emotions.

Obviously a lot more was said but I don’t really have the energy this morning to write it all up but one thing I wanted to write about is this. T said “you’re not pregnant are you?” She also suggested I marked on a calendar my moods so we could see if there was some kind of pattern. She also said it could be to do with my cycle . I didn’t think anything of those questions at the time but at 2.00am when my body and brain decided I didn’t need to sleep, I thought to myself “so this isn’t normal then?”. I started panicking and thinking clearly if she’s asking me questions like that, this isn’t a normal reaction from her other clients. So I am being extreme? What is wrong with me?

That thought is bothering me today. It’s worrying me and making me feel stupid.

T kept telling me not to be so critical to myself but it’s hard not to. It makes me feel like a total drama queen. Who cries to that extent without knowing why?

I told T that recently I feel like I’ve got a split personality. One day I’m up early and at the gym and then making cakes and batch cooking dinners…. the next I’m falling apart in my bathroom nearly throwing up from crying so badly. How is that possible?

It’s really tough not knowing what mood you’ll be in from one day to the next even from one moment to the next. I wish I could just go stable like my husband does.

T told me that I’m “not done yet” – I asked her what she meant by that as I thought she meant I wasn’t done with therapy and I thought well clearly! She said I’m not “done” with the crying. She said there was more to come, a lot more and I said I can’t handle more. I don’t want more. I want it to stop.

She keeps telling me that I am okay, that I will be okay. She also keeps telling me that I need to see her twice a week again which I agree with but can’t actually do which is infuriating. I both want to see her more and hate myself for being so needy and so weak. She thinks my subconscious held onto everything all week and didn’t quite make it to her house, which is actually annoying because this is the first week in a very long time that I haven’t been preoccupied with therapy thoughts or narcissism things or anxiety or worry about my mother. It doesn’t make sense to me.

Anyway, I’ve had little sleep but I am up and on the train to work and I think I’ll be okay. I feel delicate and tired but not as bad as last night. My neck hurts, probably from the tension and stress and having a cold makes me feel cold and miserable too.