The last few weeks

Hi guys,

So it’s been a while. I’m not totally sure why if I’m honest, it’s partly due to being busy and partly due to some resistance about writing what’s going on for me. I’ve not experienced this before so it’s rather confusing.

I’m currently typing on my phone, whilst on the train to work so please excuse any bad grammar/punctuation etc. I’ll try and summarise a little.

Sooooo I got drunk 2 Fridays ago and after some drinks with work, was on the train home late at night and I suddenly sent my mother a Facebook message (I had deleted her number so couldn’t text). I literally sent “I miss you”.

Before I go on, I just want to note that I didn’t miss her actually. It just felt like that easiest thing to say. It was a cop-out I guess.

Anyway, I saw her read it and I waited a few minutes and then she became “active” and replied saying how she was so pleased to hear from me and how she’s been “desperate” for me to contact her. I told her I had wanted HER to contact ME. She said she didn’t think I did.

She told me she had just got to her holiday destination where she would be for two weeks and how I had made her whole holiday. We then spoke via phone for about an hour, we didn’t go over any important stuff really.

She said one trying though “I need to know darling, are you happy? Are you getting nervous?” Clearly both were about my fiancé and my wedding. It annoyed me because she’s always insinuating that I’m not “really” happy and I find it very offensive. I told her I was very happy. I bit my tongue.

Anyway, as I don’t have long I’ll need to skip some of the finer details but what happened next was that for the next two days (the weekend) that followed, my fiancé was MOODY!!!! He was acting out passive aggressively in a big way. The Saturday I tried hard to ignore his mood towards me and act as though it wasn’t bothering me and by the Sunday we ended up arguing as I said I’d had enough of it. We had an argument where he said he thinks I’ve made a huge mistake establishing contact with her, said he’s worried that she will be back with a vengeance, that he doesn’t want to see her and that he doesn’t know how it will work. He later said he was worried we wouldn’t make it to our wedding because she would poison me against him.

His behaviour was difficult and upsetting. I felt very drained because it honestly felt/feels like the drama won’t stop. I feel like I’m forever upsetting someone and that, selfishly, I’m never happy either, whatever I do.

Myself, my mum and my sister are now in a group WhatsApp chat and for the last 10 days or so my mother has sent messages to us every day about what she’s doing on holiday. Every day she says she loves us both and how she can’t wait to see us… she says things like “gorgeous girls” etc. I feel terrible for admitting this, but I feel…..

nothing.

I feel numb to it. In fact, I find it hard to read and I find it VERY hard to respond to.

Now don’t get me wrong, she’s clearly trying but after 30 years of it not being this way, it’s just odd.

She asked the other night if me and my sister wanted to go to a party with her this coming weekend. I can’t go as I have other plans but my first thought was “nothings changed”. She has no idea, obviously. How do I tell her that me and her drinking together isn’t a good idea?

My fiancé still says random digs about her which annoys me (even if they are true).

So basically the vibe isn’t one of some happy ever after story. It’s tough.

On top of that, a cousin who had said he couldn’t make my wedding now apparently can make the wedding and I found out via another cousin (his sister!) that he wasn’t coming because my mother wasn’t coming. Me and his sister ended up arguing by text Friday night as she told me he had family loyalties and i told her that’s not how things worked. She then hit me with his blow:

“Lots of people weren’t coming to your wedding for the same reason, but they won’t admit that to you”.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

I knew that would be the case I guess but having someone actually write those words is painful. I cried when I got home that night from how hurt I felt. Making up with my mum doesn’t bring me any family really does it? They don’t have my interests at heart.

I came home upset and told my fiancé how I felt for him to say “your entire family are fucked up, why are you surprised??”. And that upset me even more.

I then text the group chat to say I was very upset about that comment and my mum replied to say I was just getting stressed and that it was perfectly normal and I would have a lot more stress to come. (Thanks!!).

I had to remind myself that she cannot help me emotionally. I had to tell myself she can’t do it. Stop expecting her to help.

More sadness.

And so that’s pretty much where we are. Sorry if it sounds rather negative, things just feel difficult I guess. Perhaps I was saying away from writing it down because it brings it all home even more.