Talking too much

At the end of my session yesterday I had this overwhelming panic that I had spoken way too much. I had spoken about so many different topics, jumping from one to another quickly – barely pausing for breath.  I had jaw-ache by the end and thought to myself that I felt a bit embarrassed about this.

Also, weirdly, when I went to leave – T pointed out that we still had a couple of minutes of the session left. I have never done this before but was almost nervous that I left EXACTLY on time and not a minute too late…. for someone who would like to stay as long as possible with T, that seems strange. I was clearly really worried I would “overstay my welcome” or something. But more than normal. Why?

I told T that I felt I had spoken a hell of a lot and she asked me if that was a bad thing? I thought and said that I just imagined other clients didn’t talk as quickly or as much as I did. T asked whether that made them “better patients” than me? I said perhaps it made them less intense. I guess what I really meant was yes, yes it did.

I told T that sometimes when I walk out I think to myself “Jesus, I have just spoke non-stop – how embarrassing!” and T said perhaps I am making the most of my session time and want to make sure I say everything I need to before having to leave again. I said something “jokey” along the lines of being a total chatterbox and needing to give my jaw a rest.  I looked at T to check her reaction to that and thankfully she didn’t fall into the trap of smiling/laughing or agreeing.  I say thank God because if she had of laughed I would definitely have taken that as agreement. I know, I am nuts.

I said I would give this some thought and I have been, all night and all day today.  I haven’t worked it out yet, but I was wondering if any of you lovely lot feel the same at all? Do you ever get a sense of embarrassment that you’ve spoken way too much? Way too fast?  Do you ever worry that when you leave your session, your T is going to take a huge sigh of relief that she can stop her mind and ears having to work at a quadrillion seconds per minute?

I am pondering, is this a nervousness that I talk so fast that perhaps we don’t get really “stuck” in one thing? Could it be that? I know that I overcompensate when I am nervous with talking so I guess it could be although I don’t consciously feel nervous with T.  I know I do this with my mother, talk as much as possible to avoid any awkward silences or potentially toxic conversations… possibly to avoid any discomfort in the fact that the silences would not be comfortable like they would be with my boyfriend for example.. and I do admit that sometimes when there is a silence at T’s, she will look at me for what feels like too long and it makes me VERY uncomfortable. I never know where to look or what to do (or say).

Maybe it really is that I am trying to squeeze every single nano-second of session time so that I don’t miss out on anything.  You would think if it were about making the most of my time with T, I would want to talk LESS and listen MORE though, wouldn’t you?

If I am the one constantly talking then I am not really making the most of her at all, am I? I am just yacking on. My own little soliloquy. I could do that in the mirror!!!!!

Perhaps I am addicted to being “heard”…or scared to be “seen”…. It’s odd, I feel less uncomfortable when I am talking to her about some really deep stuff and crying my eyes out than I do when she looks at me in those quieter moments… Thursday sessions do tend to be more recaps of the Tuesday session or more general chat than Tuesday’s do, I don’t know why but I assume it is to do with having held my stuff for longer between seeing her or something.

I don’t know – comments please lovelies!? X

 

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36 thoughts on “Talking too much

  1. Funny, as o texted my T after last’s nights session ‘Weird question but was I too rambly, were you bored’
    She replies with ‘not at all, you were just sharing your feelings. Keep it up’

    I replied with ‘don’t get your hopes up”

    Maybe there’s something in the water??

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes silences do feel awkward. It’s hard for both therapist and client to tolerate it and resist the urge to fill it with noise. But important things can come from the silences. I say this but I hate them too and I know Sienna sometimes struggles with the silences as she’s told me so.
    Do you normally talk in that way in your sessions or are you writing about this because it’s unusual?
    If it’s unusual for you to talk about lot then it could be a way of avoiding connection or emotional intimacy. Those silences are potent places to be and maybe it feels too uncomfortable right now, maybe you can’t be emotionally intimate with her right now?

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    1. I have certainly felt/been guilty of talking too much in previous sessions but it isn’t something that I think about or feel often. The reason I wrote about this today was that yesterday I felt it a lot more than I ever have before. I find it more comfortable in my Tuesday evening sessions where we tend to discuss the “heavier” stuff…. for example the things we spoke about Tuesday that I wrote out about the break and what that triggered for me, I find that I leave those sessions feeling, maybe sad, but also better – lighter – connected……. the Thursday sessions I feel I just talk for the sake of it and often I am jumping around in conversation with nothing sticking…. I always hate it because I then have to wait until Tuesday night to “connect” with her again and it always feels like a waste – not that I truly think it is ever a waste but you know what I mean?

      Perhaps subconsciously I was trying to avoid getting too emotionally intimate… perhaps, although I usually crave that………. maybe I felt as though she had “seen” enough that week? I don’t know. x

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      1. Yeah, I understand. I think you can crave the emotional intimacy that the deeper sessions provide yet not be able to cope with it, so you end up with this thing where you want and need connection but also can’t handle it and need space from it, you know? Annoying as hell.
        Your body/brain probably knows and is doing what it needs even though your conscious “you” needs the connection. As time goes on this will change and you’ll tolerate connection more.

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      2. I think you are right. Perhaps I will speak to T about this (one day!!)… I guess as we always say, this is all attachment related stuff isn’t it – the famous push and pull of connection.. the neediness and the fear… BLEUGH x

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  3. I’m sure if you were talking too fast or in a way that indicated that you were stressed, then your T would raise and try to calm you down. I didn’t get the impression from your post about the session that you talked a lot. But I know that it’s only a synopsis of the session.
    Feel free to shoot me down for this – but maybe you only now need one session a week if you’re struggling to find things to say in your second session. Just my view for you to take or leave.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh it wasn’t about the last session I wrote about, it was about yesterday’s sesh which I haven’t written about because there isn’t much to say… which is exactly the problem. I said so much but nothing of any real purpose…

      That thought crossed my mind but I know I need both. I’m probably at the hardest part of my therapy right now and I crave seeing T so missing one session out would hurt…

      I think perhaps sirena is right above and that it’s the push and pull of wanting and needing intimacy yet being scared of it?! Xx

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      1. I think chatting or quiet is okay in therapy. As long as it is a trusting environment. But I get what you’re saying. There times I felt the same way you have. Just keep remembering you are okay however you arrive in therapy. ❤️❤️

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  4. Not embarrassment, but often frustration. Sometimes I’ll ramble over many topics just as a way to avoid talking about what I really want to talk about. Other times it can be a way of avoiding the emotional content of a topic. And sometimes I just have a pressing need to get stuff out but the topic is so large that I have to compromise quality of information for quantity. Often it’s not until the end of the session that I realise I haven’t got what I wanted out of the session, hence the frustration. I feel my T judges me more for too little than too much talking (although in reality he is probably not judging me at all).

    I think it is important to discuss with your T where your feelings of embarrassment at talking too much come from, and what is “not” happening in therapy because of talking too much. Even if you already “know” these things, talking it through can help you see things in a very different way.

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    1. Are you consciously aware that you do that though? I didn’t seem to be until the session was over – and then I felt the embarrassment. I know what you mean about choosing between quality and quantity… it feels almost like I need to squeeze in enough conversation to last me until I see her again on Tuesday evening …. my mother would have said when I was young “give it a rest” or call me “motormouth”….. she also used to say “think before you speak” and I certainly haven’t been doing that LOL!!

      I agree with you. I think I need to talk to her about it too actually, it’s just a case of when. I’m having a nightmare with work at the moment and so that will take up a lot of next session and I won’t send her this because I’ve already contacted her about the work stuff…. if only contact wasn’t limited hey xx

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      1. With using chatter to avoid hard topics, I don’t do it deliberately but I do notice it as it’s happening. It’s hard to break out of – the longer I avoid a topic the harder it gets to jump into it. With the other two I usually don’t realise until the session ends. I go away really really wishing I could have another session so I could say all the things I didn’t finish. There is never enough time.

        Why do mothers have to say such horrible nasty things? When my mother thought I was talking too much she’d use the term “verbal diarrhoea”, and it knocked that natural childish enthusiasm right out of me. I don’t notice it so much in therapy but I often feel as if I’ve talked too much in front of friends, especially if I have been at home alone for a few days and not talked to anyone, and then afterwards I despise myself for not showing more restraint, because I’m convinced they think it’s all about me being self-centred instead of just lonely.

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      2. Omg my mother said verbal diarrhoea too!!! And I use it about myself to date – that bloody nasty internalised voice!

        Totally know what you mean about coming away and wanting:needing another session. Last week I came out and nearly cried koz I needed more time!

        OMG me toooooo!!!!!!! I think this with friends and with colleagues! Sometimes I’m mattering on, all excited and either someone will make a joke or I will realise and I feel the same shame!! I’m so glad this isn’t just me, what do you think this is about? Xx

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      3. Part of this is just due to my current situation, where I’m working part time and don’t have a lot of friends or social life and have to get my “talking fix” at work, and I a bit feel ashamed that everyone else has lives where this need is met outside of work and I see myself as a bit of a loser in comparison. I don’t always feel like that, it fluctuates a bit depending on how my anxiety/depression is going as well.

        There is also a slightly different but related thing I’ve had to work on all my life of being worried I’ll be punished in some way for making myself the centre of attention, which can arise from talking too much but can be from other things as well, which I know is due to my mother punishing me in subtle ways if I ever took attention off her (little internal voice saying “who do you think you are that other people should look at you or listen to you?) This internalised message has gone to ridiculous lengths in the past, like not wanting to admit to my ballet class that I was the one who had brought the chocolate fudge to share in case I was publicly thanked, and keeping working through an episode of SVT with a heart rate of 200 because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.

        You sound like you’ve had a lot of similar experiences with your mother so I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the same feelings are underneath this for you as well.

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      4. Ugh that’s a really horrible thing you have to feel, I can relate to that too. I used to live on my own and I would say the same, I would come into work on a Monday and have to much talking to catch up on!

        Oh wow…. yeah that’s it! You’ve got it. This hadn’t crossed my mind weirdly but as I read it, something in me knew that was it.!!

        You poor thing feeling it in such a way you wouldn’t even admit you brought in the cake and potentially could have been in serious danger because of it! That internalised message must be so bloody strong. Jesus these people have no idea of the impact they’ve had on us do they?? Makes my blood boil!

        For me, my mother had to be the centre of attention and nobody else so yes I would often hear the same sort of messages and she would often remind me that “the world does not revolve around you”…. or a look 👀 across the room if I was getting too much attention.

        I think we’ve experienced a similar message with this… i need to let this percolate a little x

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      5. Me too wow. On calling myself names when I ramble like chatterbox, verbal diarrhea, on needing to feel I need to talk enough with T to last till the next session, and going on and on talking to colleagues or people then realising I’m nattering on.

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      6. Perhaps we have the same mother! Lol… wow, sounds like they are quite similar in their ways though. I like to tell myself now as an adult that she is jealous and/or threatened by me and that it is her problem and not mine. Easier said than done of course but since I’ve been in therapy I’ve got stronger. I no longer try to please her in any way. The fear was very strong up until quite recently and maybe it is unconsciously… who knows. But I try and rationalise that as an adult, she can’t hurt me and the fear used to be that she wouldn’t love me and she doesn’t anyway so what do I have to lose? X d

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      7. It’s her problem definitely, but so hard since we’ve been indoctrinated to blame ourselves because we depended on mother for survival! And it’s sad, right, to realise it wasn’t genuine love that we got, but sometimes lots of outright rejection

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      8. Sad doesn’t come close. We both deserved so much more. That’s exactly where I am right now in my therapy journey. Sometimes I wish I never knew and other times I’m glad….. blaming myself clearly brought me years of issues and upset but feeling the loss and rejection is soul destroying too.. one thing I am glad of is that I didn’t understand it was her and not me when I was that young child because I genuinely think it would have killed me. T said it would have too. So I am thankful that our psyches are so clever that they manage to block it out until we’re old enough to get ourselves some help. It’s just awful we had to do that at all xx

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      9. I agree. It’s heartbreaking and the grief feels so endless. I believe that as children we do naturally blame ourselves to survive. And you’re right that it’s awful we and so many are robbed of birthright of love, safety, security

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  5. is your thursday session sort of a debriefing? I used to see a therapist twice a week we did that kind of work, one session for deep trauma work theother for debriefing. i dont have the problem your struggling with, I have the opposite, sometimes I cant find words. x

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    1. Hmmmm….. I guess so? Like it isn’t planned that way but it does feel the case. I was desperate for a second session back in November and I am so glad I have two a week for the connection with T but yes, the content is so different to a Tuesday session.

      I think it’s more common to struggle with finding the words, especially when dealing with complicated and deep things like childhood trauma – T says to me that a lot of it is “preverbal” could that be the case for you? Xx

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      1. Yes I think it could be, a lot of it could be that it happened to us Orleans that we can’t remember so we can’t find words and our body stores the memories Eileen always says that to me that our body stores everything

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  6. T thinks I talk to much about content and not about “important” things. So now I’ve developed that fear you wrote about.

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      1. I think sometimes Ts don’t grasp the impact their words (or the words they don’t say) and actions (or inaction) have on us, especially when we’ve strong attachment due to trauma etc. :/

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      2. Oh for sure. I don’t know if you are like this, but I am extremely hypervigilant and I notice all sorts of subtle things, raised eyebrows. Start of smiles anything “normal” people might miss I see it and I sense it… I remember words my T has said going back nearly 3 years about things that are or aren’t important – they can’t be perfect all the time of course. They are only human but what your T said is a shame because you shouldn’t have been shamed like that. It’s unfair especially when it takes us so very long to trust xx

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      3. Yep, I’m slightly like that with noticing cues, words, body language if I’m looking at her and not at her feet in self consciousness. I’ve delayed reactions though so I was OK at first when she made that comment. Then bam!, hours after session it hits me and I’m not OK, sigh. I DO ramble a lot due to loneliness and anxiety (ambiguous answers were physically punished by my parents and they demanded immediate “correct” answers which what was correct changed to their whims) and I do know it’s off-putting to people I meet so I was kinda crushed even she finds it a problem and she’s the second therapist to tell me they find the rambling irritating.

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      4. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel like that. By your parents and especially by therapists who should know better. Would you think about telling your T how deep that comment affected you and have a conversation about where it comes from etc? I know your defences won’t want you to have that conversation as it makes you vulnerable – but it could help if your T explained something better or at least apologised if not? Perhaps you could do it by email if not face to face? Just an idea. Xx

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      5. I don’t have email contact with her, though I can text her. She won’t reply, that’s her boundary. I do agree I ought to bring it up. Put it down on my notebook with its ever growing list of stuff I want to bring up but haven’t been able to. 🙂 you’re right that it’s an important convo to have with her!

        I see her just once a month because she’s so booked yet she wants to do trauma processing haha.

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