At the end of my session yesterday I had this overwhelming panic that I had spoken way too much. I had spoken about so many different topics, jumping from one to another quickly – barely pausing for breath. I had jaw-ache by the end and thought to myself that I felt a bit embarrassed about this.
Also, weirdly, when I went to leave – T pointed out that we still had a couple of minutes of the session left. I have never done this before but was almost nervous that I left EXACTLY on time and not a minute too late…. for someone who would like to stay as long as possible with T, that seems strange. I was clearly really worried I would “overstay my welcome” or something. But more than normal. Why?
I told T that I felt I had spoken a hell of a lot and she asked me if that was a bad thing? I thought and said that I just imagined other clients didn’t talk as quickly or as much as I did. T asked whether that made them “better patients” than me? I said perhaps it made them less intense. I guess what I really meant was yes, yes it did.
I told T that sometimes when I walk out I think to myself “Jesus, I have just spoke non-stop – how embarrassing!” and T said perhaps I am making the most of my session time and want to make sure I say everything I need to before having to leave again. I said something “jokey” along the lines of being a total chatterbox and needing to give my jaw a rest. I looked at T to check her reaction to that and thankfully she didn’t fall into the trap of smiling/laughing or agreeing. I say thank God because if she had of laughed I would definitely have taken that as agreement. I know, I am nuts.
I said I would give this some thought and I have been, all night and all day today. I haven’t worked it out yet, but I was wondering if any of you lovely lot feel the same at all? Do you ever get a sense of embarrassment that you’ve spoken way too much? Way too fast? Do you ever worry that when you leave your session, your T is going to take a huge sigh of relief that she can stop her mind and ears having to work at a quadrillion seconds per minute?
I am pondering, is this a nervousness that I talk so fast that perhaps we don’t get really “stuck” in one thing? Could it be that? I know that I overcompensate when I am nervous with talking so I guess it could be although I don’t consciously feel nervous with T. I know I do this with my mother, talk as much as possible to avoid any awkward silences or potentially toxic conversations… possibly to avoid any discomfort in the fact that the silences would not be comfortable like they would be with my boyfriend for example.. and I do admit that sometimes when there is a silence at T’s, she will look at me for what feels like too long and it makes me VERY uncomfortable. I never know where to look or what to do (or say).
Maybe it really is that I am trying to squeeze every single nano-second of session time so that I don’t miss out on anything. You would think if it were about making the most of my time with T, I would want to talk LESS and listen MORE though, wouldn’t you?
If I am the one constantly talking then I am not really making the most of her at all, am I? I am just yacking on. My own little soliloquy. I could do that in the mirror!!!!!
Perhaps I am addicted to being “heard”…or scared to be “seen”…. It’s odd, I feel less uncomfortable when I am talking to her about some really deep stuff and crying my eyes out than I do when she looks at me in those quieter moments… Thursday sessions do tend to be more recaps of the Tuesday session or more general chat than Tuesday’s do, I don’t know why but I assume it is to do with having held my stuff for longer between seeing her or something.
I don’t know – comments please lovelies!? X