The Floodgates Have Opened (Trigger Warning) ⚠️ 

Last night when the kids went home and I wrote my blog, I felt a familiar feeling of being low, being down or sad or something. I put a lot of it down to this current situation with T, but thought it could also be standard Sunday blues and perhaps some secret resentment of having had the kids all weekend and having no time to myself or my fiancé mixed with some (immature) irritations at things mainly triggered between my fiancé and my Stepdaughter. Also that memory is playing on my mind. 

I went to bed feeling down and thought to myself, why are you so sad? I told myself to pull myself together and that I don’t have much longer at this company so I just had to suck it up. 

I dreamt a lot last night. The dream seems to be all over the place, I will note it below in case writing it helps me make sense of a feeling or message somehow. 

Anyway, I got dressed this morning and felt huge. Really fat. I grabbed onto the fat on my hips and stomach and felt hideous. I’ve really let myself go. I stepped on the scales and thought again, wow, you fat cow. 

My hair looks shit. It’s all over the place and the top looks greasy despite being washed yesterday. Why am I so ugly and fat? 

I walked to work and regretted the trousers I am wearing. They make me look even fatter. What was I thinking? I can’t pull these off. 

I got to work, I felt headachy, sweaty and miserable. I changed my shoes and took my bag to the toilets to do my hair again. I went into a cubicle, sat down on the toilet and BOOM! I burst into hysterical tears. I cried so hard, so loudly and so many tears. I felt awful. I also didn’t give two shits that colleagues may hear me. I just kept crying and crying… 

I realised this wasn’t going to pass and I grabbed my phone and text my boss. I told him I wasn’t in a state to work and that I needed to take the day as sick or work from home. I knew I couldn’t really work from home and regretted suggesting that. luckily he replied and told me to take it as sick. 

I’m now on my way back home. I’m trying to picture what I want or need to do when I get in. The first image that comes up is stripping my clothes off and then slicing the fat off my body. I won’t actually do that, don’t worry, but that’s the image. 

I wonder if I need sleep? Do I need exercise? Nothing is hitting the spot. I have slept loads this weekend and when I sleep, I dream and I don’t want to dream and wake up worse. 

I’ve thought about contacting T to say I need to see her and sort this mess out today , perhaps it’s this making me so upset? But what is stopping me is that given how I am feeling, the very last thing I want to do is show her my weakness. I can’t show her I am weak and impressionable and easily shut up. I can’t afford to be vulnerable with her at the moment. She is too dangerous. 

My eyes are filling up as I type this on my phone on the train home. 

I think to myself, what is wrong with you?? Seriously?! 

The dream:

Walking around the area my Nan used to live in looking for the school I worked in. Couldn’t find it or remember the name of it. 

Got picked up along the main road Nan lived on but left my saucepans on. Someone took them in and I wanted to get them but was too embarrassed to admit they were mine and I had left them on. 

Two dead babies. I held one. I stood up and the dead baby was heavy and my shoe heel sunk into the grass – I asked someone to hold the baby until I had come back but said I wasn’t avoiding the dead babies which is what they were implying. 

Another teacher had loads and loads of lovely clothes. I didn’t have any. I found her room and all her clothes were hanging up. She had such lovely stuff. I looked at the labels and thought I would try and shop there but doubted anything would look as nice on me. 

My boss said I could go home early – it was about 4pm but I hadn’t done someone else’s typing. I asked if he needed me to stay and do it, he said it needed to be done by 10am tomorrow. I thought I would send it to his PA, but was nervous she wouldn’t pick it up in time and wasn’t sure whether I should stay or not. 

Days like this are HARD. Hard isn’t a strong enough word. Days like this make me feel like I have a real fault. Nobody else seems to get this way at work, none of my friends do either. Why am I so miserable? I feel so awful for my fiancé, he’s always so happy and content. He’s so steady. He’s just had what he classes as “a great weekend” and has gone to work feeling rested – then there’s me?! How does that happen? How did someone like him get stuck with someone like me? 

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Busy thoughts and doubts

This whole situation with T is really playing on my mind. It has played on my mind all weekend but its been hard to pay much attention to it with the kids here until half an hour ago.

I still feel the same about everything but now I am having these doubts that I am wrong and that I’ve totally got it wrong.  I can see how easily this all looks like transference and if its transference, that basically means that its all me and none of it belongs to T, right? That doesn’t seem right to me.

I Googled rupture and repair earlier whilst watching a film with the kids and what I read seemed to suggest that T’s don’t take too seriously anything we may say at them in our disagreement with them because they should view it as handy tool to what our biggest struggle is with the world.  That made me angry. So, does that mean that my T, any T, won’t really care about what we are saying they have done to annoy or upset us, but they will just instantly take it away from themselves and apply it to others?? If that is the case then that seems rather fucked up, doesn’t it?

I wrote this:

What are my underlying fears with the concerns I have with T right now? 

  • That I have trusted her when I shouldn’t have. That I have, yet again, fallen into a relationship with someone who doesn’t have my best interests at heart despite what I thought at the time.
  • That I have to agree with her and do what she says otherwise I get punished somehow.
  • That she is just like my mother – like Tina. I have been blind because I hadn’t yet “found my voice” to disagree with her on anything.
  • What would have happened if I had of agreed with everything she said that session? How many other things have I done wrong/missed out on/gone against my true wishes on just because I wanted to please her – to be the good girl?

Now even I can clearly see that many if not all of those things could easily be about my mother and not T. So that makes me doubt myself, perhaps it really isn’t about T after all?

Yet that doesn’t sit well with me because the facts still remain that a therapist shouldn’t have acted the way T did in that session “Disaster” and the fact still remains that the anger SHE felt when she read my email about dropping a session did not belong to me.

It is still the case that she projected her feeling onto me. I am not accepting that.

It is still the case that she has responded entirely differently about my second session since the new job offer, so what has changed? AND it is still the case that even she admitted her response to my email was cold (she has admitted she thought about sending one to apologise but decided not to. Why?).

I’m not actually getting anywhere with this writing so I apologise for repeating things I’ve already said in my previous blogs. It is just going round and round in my head and I can’t make any real sense of it.

I feel horrible but I just feel like T is feeling rather smug and arrogant and doesn’t have a care in the world about all of this because she cant accept that any of it could belong to her. Possibly transference again, but still, how I feel regardless.

God how irritating.

T’s reply

She said…. 

“I have read your blog entries and am very glad you have been able to send them to me. 

I know it might not feel like it now, but this can lead to good things. Right now you are very angry and frightened that I am just like your Mum. It’s good that you have found your voice and have been able to tell me your fears. We will keep on talking about, and understanding it all together.

In the meantime you are held kindly in my thoughts and I am thinking about all you have said.

Kind wishes

Doubts about T (Part 2)

One of my lovely readers has just commented to suggest the following:

“With that anger comment, the plot really seems to thicken! Random thought came to my mind about her possibly projecting. And it’s a completely random and out there thought without knowing either of you. Can you imagine if she has a daughter/son who is going/has gone through a similar big life change without consulting her? And she feels completely powerless in that relationship. Or hurt about not being consulted in some relationship. And this is seeping into your work in some way. So a reenactment from her side, not yours. Or you both reenacting and getting into a toxic spiral without being able to clearly define what is going on… As I said, just a fun theory… 🙂”

This has REALLY given me something to think about and I am currently in agreement.

The reasons being that whilst T was away, I was offered an interview, attended the interview and was offered a job, which I then accepted all without consulting her.  I then emailed her to tell her that these events had happened, hoping she would be proud of me and that it would demonstrate my growth.  She replied very bluntly (in my opinion) and with a total lack of congratulations which left me feeling disheartened.

She has since admitted that when she received my email, she felt “a real surge of anger” that she decided belonged to me and not her. I strongly disagree with this and feel that perhaps she DID feel a surge of anger, but that her anger actually belonged to her and that she was projecting it on to me because she knew somewhere that it wasn’t the right way to feel about the decisions I had made on my own.

She has also since admitted that she thought her response to my email was a bit cold and that she spent a few days afterwards debating whether to text me to say “Sorry, my response wasn’t very pleasant” but that she decided to “leave me with my anger“.

Moving on, I then had my doubts about that job and was invited for another interview somewhere else, which she DID know about. I then went to the interview and was offered (and accepted the job) all with her alongside.  Her reaction this time was completely different. She was even excited for me and subsequently she has not tried to talk me out of dropping my second session at all. She even said yesterday that we will see how things go and that if I need a second session again, the universe will align to make that possible. That we should trust in that. – A total 360 on last week.

She said to me that when I heard from the new employer as to whether or not I had the job, I could text her to tell her if I wanted to – I thought that was a nice offer and despite feeling I could have easily held it until I saw her the following day, I did drop her a text and she replied MUCH warmer. She congratulated me and told me to “enjoy the feeling”. Perhaps she wanted me to text her so she could right a wrong so to speak. To repair the first reaction with a much better, more appropriate one.

Those two reactions to two very similar situations are extremely different aren’t they? The only difference between the situations is that she wasn’t involved in the decision-making process of one and she was with the other.

She then said that yesterday she was happy for me and that “perhaps she picked up on my uncertainty” over the first job. I disagree, but nodded along that it was a possibility.

I genuinely think this could be what’s happening here and I am debating telling her this too.. BUT I am a bit concerned about the repercussion’s of it because in my recent experience of her, she has not accepted any of her own “stuff” in this. She has projected feelings onto me and said that I trapped HER in a re-enactment……  so if I do tell her, would she be able to take this to her supervisor and take a real, genuine look at it? or will she tell me I am wrong, become defensive and insulted and then I potentially ruin things between us?

Having said that, if I do speak to her and it does ruin things between us – perhaps it would be just as well I found out now?

IF one of her two daughters made an important decision without her input or advice and it did leave her feeling left out or powerless or something, that would explain the strong reaction I received and would also explain why I felt like she was talking to me like a child (I told her that).  It is possible (as Jay rightly says in the comment above), that the “re-enactment” she speaks of, was a two-way thing. Transference AND also countertransference because her reacting from a triggered (and countertransference) perspective triggered my anger because I felt like she was trying to 1) ruin my good news (like my mum does) and 2) control me and make me doubt my own strength.

 

 

Doubts about T

[EDITED: Sorry guys, I typed this on my phone and think I caused some confusion with who said what, I have now amended. For the sake of clarity, I am NOT saying I think she is an evil narcissist, just that I am concerned at the moment and that something isn’t feeling quite right…. I am also nervous because she has warned me plenty of times over the past few years that I will begin to view her “as my mother” and that her halo will fall off and she will fall from her pedestal and become what I need to her…… so I imagine that she will say that is what is happening if I were to tell her any of this… maybe she is right.. or maybe this whole relationship is one fucked up toxic nightmare repeat itself!].

Okay so I need to write some thoughts out but they are all a bit muddled and I don’t really know where to start with them.

Since the session with T last week where it all went horribly wrong over me dropping my Thursday sessions, I thought she had accepted her part of the blame and had apologised and that we had moved on… but

In yesterday’s session I asked her if we could agree my last Thursday session so that I knew a date. She asked me what I thought and I said I was thinking maybe 2 November so that I could have a few sessions  before I started the new job to adjust (and what I didn’t say was that I would like to save a bit of money and possibly go on holiday if my redundancy is paid).

T seemed flabbergasted at this idea and said why not the 16th or the 23rd? I said again I wanted a couple of sessions to get used to it. She said that all of the sessions until the 23rd were time for us to talk about it and the feelings around it and adjust…. I knew what she meant but that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t get angry because I had predicted this conversation would probably be a bit of a power struggle. I desperately didn’t want to repeat last Tuesday. This conversation went on a bit and then we agreed the 9th (I think! I’ve actually questioned this today in case I’ve got it wrong).

Anyway, we spoke about my new job and she said that it felt very different this time. She was even smiling and seemed pleased for me. I was buzzing in my seat having received the formal offer and contract shortly before my session. I agreed with her that it felt different and said to her that I had read some of my blogs over the last month and that it was quite clear in hindsight that I wasn’t THAT happy. I clearly had reservations and worries but I had overridden them, perhaps with the relief of having found a job.

I agreed with her that it felt different this time and was very smiley and happy. She then said “I wonder whether that’s what I was picking up on last week”… I realised what she meant and said with genuine consideration, “oohhh maybe?!” She said again that she had picked up on some negative energy… fair comment I guess although slightly annoying because the problem was the way she spoke AT me…

She then said, “when you emailed me when I was away about the job, I felt a real surge of anger”…

My eyes widened…. what??

She continued…. “I thought to myself, that does not belong to me!!” And she beamed a big smile….

I was confused and said to her “I wasn’t angry at all?” And she said in her almost mocking tone, “you were unconsciously, perhaps it is too scary for you to feel so I felt it for you?”

No… why would I have been angry? I had got a new job and I had made the decision to drop back to one session, it wasn’t forced on me.

I could tell that she wouldn’t listen to me if I repeated that I didn’t feel any anger at all so I just smiled so the conversation would stop.

She then said…

“I think that I fell into a reenactment with you last week”. I didn’t know what she meant so asked her and she explained that sometimes a therapist can fall into repeating a situation with a patient, in my case the argument was just like one between me and my mum and that is why it was a reenactment…

This felt like she was blaming me… I felt a tiny bit of anger…

She then said it wasn’t my fault.

Righhhtttt….

She said that I needed to use her to express my anger for my Mum and that’s why I had used that moment as a repeat and viewed her as my Mum. She said that she should have stopped talking and pushing me when she picked up on the energy that night. I said “I felt like it didn’t matter what I said, you weren’t listening to me”, she smiled. (It felt patronising).

I thought to myself that this was ridiculous and that I completely disagreed but I didn’t want to argue and seem petulant so I just made “unmmm” noises and eventually the session ended and I left and forgot about the session. I felt fine.

Since then I keep having these doubts popping into my head and replaying words she said

“I felt a real surge of anger when I read your email, it didn’t belong to me” (maybe it DID)

“I fell into a repeat with you, it isn’t your fault” (whattt??? No you were just nasty that session)

I’ve even had thoughts that perhaps her main concern is actually about her pocket and not about me and my welfare I mean, she seems fine now but that’s because I held my own and didn’t allow her power to make me shut up or change my mind. I feel guilty thinking this, but it’s crossed my mind so I am writing it to be honest.

I feel like the therapist I had a child like attachment to, wanted to see and speak to as much as possible has changed and now I feel almost as though I am guarded and in my head I’m doubting her and wondering whether I’ve been stupid? Have I trusted someone who is actually just like my mum who wants to tell me what to do and gets angry if I don’t… who doesn’t listen to me and can’t accept any blame?

I feel okay about this, although concerned….

I feel awful but you know when you realise you’ve been in a relationship that’s toxic, like me and Tina… and suddenly you see how you’ve been manipulated or controlled… I’m starting to feel like that – a tiny bit…

When we spoke recently about the feelings I get with my mother, with Tina, with the agent (woman) etc, I told T that I feel the fear in my body so obviously now that I am aware of it. T said that the woman in authority/woman in power is a real trigger for me and that is why she thinks I got so upset last week. I told her that I hadn’t felt like that with her at all last week, that the feelings of fear I got for example when I told Tina how I felt or when I had to let the agent down was nothing like how I felt towards her last week. Last week I just felt infuriated, not listened too, almost bullied – with the others its more of a “oh shit, what will they do to me”.  She said it may be because I feel safer with her than I do with them.  I said perhaps. She said that clearly something had shifted for me recently in that I had passed my driving test, put in firmer boundaries with my mother and with Tina and now got a new job. I agreed with her and said I felt very pleased and proud about these things….. perhaps me dropping a session truly is just part of this growth and improvement and she is the one with the issue trying to hold on to how I used to be, to keep me there, keep me down….

Job, Tina, Mother..

Hi everyone,

I thought I would write as I haven’t written properly on a computer for ages so all of my blogs lately have been quickly typed out on my mobile which doesn’t feel the same as typing something properly.

Job Situation
I had the interviews yesterday with the firm I REALLY want to work for. The interview went really well (I think!). I was in there for an hour and twenty minutes and there were no awkward silences or times when I didn’t know what to say, it all seemed to flow naturally and I liked the two team leaders that interviewed me.  We had a few laughs during it and finished it off talking about me getting married next year and it felt very positive.  After I left, I spoke to the agent who said he had spoken to them and that they “loved me and thought I was great”.  That is the only feedback I have so not much else to go on, but that sounds good, right??

Apparently they said to the agent “if we didn’t have another person to see tomorrow, this would be a different conversation” I don’t know what that means, but I am reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hoping it’s a good thing. Anyway, apparently I should find out between 11am and midday today so I am VERY nervous and excited waiting for the phone to ring.

Then I have to do the dreaded email to the agent about the other job…… cringefest.

Tina
With all the actual job stuff that has been going on lately, I haven’t written much about anything else but on Monday Tina walked past my desk as I was coughing and did a “fake cough” noise. I couldn’t believe it. She’s gone back to completely and utterly ignoring me, very straight-faced and not looking in my direction at all which is quite weird as only a few weeks ago she came up to my desk at work to ask me “how I was” about the redundancy announcement. Very odd in general but I guess to be expected from her. I get the feeling that when she came and spoke to me that afternoon she expected me to continue that chatting theme whenever we saw each other but I didn’t do that and so perhaps now she hates me again ha! Whatever.

My Mum
Last week it was my mum’s 50th birthday. I think I’ve written before to say that she wanted all her family and friends to go away for the weekend and I wasn’t really looking forward to it.  I was supposed to go Friday to Sunday but I was unwell last week with a bad cold and chest infection and so I told her on Friday that I was too unwell to go. She phoned me and could clearly hear how sick I was so I think she was fine about it and I guess she believed me because I sounded awful.  When I woke up Saturday I felt better and so we did go and it was fine.

On the Saturday night, we were all in a club and she randomly walked over to me and kissed my forehead and then walked off without saying anything. I was really shocked. She has NEVER done anything like that before. She doesn’t show me any affection and never has done, not even if I’ve been crying. It was totally out of character and totally shocked me. My initial thought was “what was that about?” and then I brushed it off and thought that she was drunk or perhaps showing off to her friends but I think in all honestly she was just made up that so many people had travelled to celebrate her birthday with her and she was genuinely very happy. Perhaps that explains the random show of affection. I don’t know. I told T about this last night and she said “that must have been incredibly confusing for you because that is all you’ve ever wanted!” which pretty much sums it up doesn’t it?

Rupture/Repair
In terms of things between me and T, it seems to be back to normal now although does play on my mind sometimes. I haven’t written about this in as much detail as I would like yet, mainly because I have been so distracted by the job stuff but I will do a post about it because I think it is very important. In fact, I will try to do that today/tomorrow.

NEWS!
Since starting to write this at 10am (it is now 3pm!!) I have some news. I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The agent phoned me about 11.30am and said he could unofficially tell me I was going to be offered the job and then phoned a while later to say the HR dept had phoned him and took my email address and postal address for the contract! I am absolutely thrilled. I feel so, so happy and so relieved and the feeling this time compared to the last job I accepted a few weeks ago is so different. I have only told a couple of people, my fiancé and a friend at work at the moment and I’ve text T. I can’t wait to be able to tell people. They are the biggest law firm in the UK so this is a really good move for me and will look fantastic on my CV.  I’ve also managed to get an extra £1,000 a year so that’s a bonus!

I can’t think of anything else to write right now because I am busy at work and shouldn’t be writing this and also because I am super, duper excited about this news ha!

Once I’ve received the contract, I will email the agent. Best get drafting.

YAY!!

 

 

Rejecting the offer 

I really need to let the new company or the agent know I’ve changed my mind… I am still deliberating over when to do this. The new interview is tomorrow afternoon so maybe tomorrow? I’m tempted to just do it today and get it done because it’s hanging over me and I feel so guilty but people keep telling me to wait it out… aggg. I am really apprehensive about what trouble the agent will cause me, she could really blacken my name with other agents, other firms or perhaps even tell my current job that I had a job offer (would that matter?)… 

When I do eventually do it, do I email the agent or the company directly? Or both? And what the hell can I say that doesn’t make me sound totally rude and unprofessional? 

My crazy life 

Firstly, thank you all so much for all your help and advice the last few days with my rupture with T and with this job stuff. I don’t remember the last time I felt this stressed out and emotionally exhausted. It’s proving so tiring! 

So thank you all – I’m truly really grateful. 

Here’s the latest instalment of my mental life. 

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I felt unwell (cold), my head was racing and I was desperate to make a conclusion with regards to this job. Yesterday didn’t go to plan and I didn’t leave feeling positive or happy at all. I felt dissapointed and deflated. 

Throughout the night I kept thinking perhaps I should just stay in my current job. Perhaps I had had a lucky escape. It made me think I would never get a boss like mine again. Then my fiancé gave me a good talking to this morning and said that regardless of whether I go to this job or not, nothing has changed with regards to leaving my current job. He said he thought I would regret it if I didn’t leave now. I suspected he was right. He pointed out that there aren’t just two choices here, current job or new job… I could keep interviewing. I didn’t like the thought of that and guess I was being a bit lazy wanting the whole process to be over. 

A few hours later I’m walking around the park with my mate and her little boy when the phone rings, it was an agency so I ignored his call. He then emailed me to say the job he had sent my cv to three weeks ago had called and wanted to see me. For background, this firm are VERY well known. They are in the top 10 law firms in the entire world! 

I applied there 6/7 years ago and had two interviews but was eventually unsuccessful. Apparently they “went with someone internally”. 

But now I know someone that works there who said she loves it and that she thinks I would too, she said she would put in a good word for me. Clearly she did! 

They want me to go in for an interview Tuesday at 3pm next week. AGGHHH!!!! 

The agent said that he’s made them aware I’ve accepted another job offer and that they still wanted to see me. 

So.. I have decided to go for it. 1) because yesterday didn’t go to plan and 2) because it’s an amazing firm. 

The two jobs are different, for this job I would work in a “pool” where I would work with 6 girls at my level, 3 girls a level below and 1 girl a level lower again. Between us all we would work for the entire department (employment which is something different). I wouldn’t have my own allocated solicitors like at my current job or like the new job I went to yesterday. 

Anyway, my latest predicament is this: when do I tell the agency I want to retract my acceptance of the job? Do I get it out the way and do it tomorrow so I feel less guilty? Or do I wait and see how this interview goes next week? 

My fiancé says wait, and his reasons are that 1) this is business, don’t worry about them and 2) the agent for the new interview job told me that the agent (scary woman) is known to cause trouble and could potentially ruin my interview next week if she has contacts there. 

I admit I feel guilty at the thought of letting them down if I decline their offer, I feel nervous about telling the scary woman agent I’ve changed my mind, because she is feisty as hell and will lose her commission so will hate me and make my life difficult… but I admit to feeling some weird relief that I won’t have to worry about that woman boss and how she will be with me if I go there. Rightly or wrongly. 

So, that’s today’s drama. Also, I saw T today which I was absolutely dreadinggggggg but I am pleased to say that she was fine. She actually apologised and we’ve smoothed things over, that deserves its own post though so I’ll write that tomorrow when I have my laptop out. 

Time for more lemsip! 

Day at the new place 

Oh god… can life suck any more right now? 

Iv just got on the train after a day at the new place. I had a handover with a lovely girl who was very similar to me, same age and similar personality. I leant a lot and met a lot of people, it felt productive. 

About 4pm I was asked to stay for a team meeting at 5pm, this was put back to 5.15pm and then eventually held in the local wine bar. I was excited to finally see my boss who has been busy all day and had not yet spoken to me. 

I eventually saw her and she spoke to the girl that was training me (the girl I am replacing), she didn’t say hello. She spoke to her for a good few minutes before acknowledging me – I felt at the time this was rude. Surely you would at least say hello to me before entering into long chats with the current girl about her holiday … 

Anyway, me and the current girl waited for new boss and her colleague and eventually we all walked to the lifts, boss and colleague behind me…. still no chat…. they then held back and didn’t get in our lift. I thought that was odd. We all arrived at the same venue and she sat opposite me at a VERY large table. I drank two glasses of wine and eventually she came over and said goodbye. 

Goodbye! She hadn’t even said hello! 

I spent 7 hours learning the ropes of my new job (not paid) and she didn’t even take the time to come and say hello to me. 

I felt my heart sink. 

That is not what I had in mind. That isn’t what I had hoped for AT ALL. I asked the current girl, do you often see her for drinks or anything? She said oh no, never….. 

I feel very down right now. 

What am I doing? Is this all one big mistake?