I called in sick from work today due to a tummy bug and so right now I am sat on the sofa at my in-law’s house and I am home alone for the first time in 7 weeks!!! 7 weeks of being with at least one other person, usually at least 3 other people and on the hardest days, 11 other people. It is like heaven.  The silence is amazing!

I slept on and off until about 9am and then lazed around in bed watching my favourite programme. I’ve been up, put a wash on and hung it out to dry and now I am sitting here writing this.  I couldn’t be happier (aside from the tummy bug but that seems to be getting better).

Our house purchase finally seems to be picking up some pace.  I spoke with the agent a few days ago and he said that we should be able to exchange contracts at the end of September with completion as soon as possible after that. I have everything crossed that this finally happens, it has been one hell of a wait that’s for sure.  I have been told my whole life that I have no patience.  My grandmother used to tell me, as did my mother and now my husband says it too but I like to think considering how stressful it has been having to move out of our home and into the in-laws whilst still having a full time job, the kids staying every weekend and all the fertility stuff going on, that I’ve shown quite a lot of patience actually LOL.

But.. having said that, I can feel that my tolerance is beginning to run out.  I am finding things increasingly difficult now.  Sunday night I cried in bed because I felt so desperate to be in my own house without other people around constantly.  I am pretty introverted and so this constant people thing is so hard for me.  My in-laws are truly lovely people, but there’s only so much time you can spend around other people isn’t there? I miss just being with my husband in our own house just relaxing even down to the really silly things like laying on the sofa or cooking naughty food and snacking on chocolate on a Sunday evening, not to mention (and sorry if you are offended) but to be able to actually have sex! Honestly, we are a married couple living like brother and sister with our parents, its weird and crap and it took its toll by Sunday night and I cried it all out.  We joke that everything here is “sex-proofed” as everything is so noisy and squeaky so there’s no chance of a sneaky bit of fun.  In all seriousness though, it isn’t about the sex really, but it is about that feeling of closeness with my husband. I miss him and I miss us being a couple even down to not sleeping in a proper double bed where we can cuddle before we go to sleep.  Sleeping on two single beds pushed together with a gap between them really isn’t the same.  Ditto living out of bags and only having a few of your belongings.

On Monday my husband was really down and sad and said he was feeling how I was and that me crying had probably not helped (he didn’t mean that horribly, just it made him feel shit that I was so down).  So anyway, now that the end of September is being spoken about as potential exchange, it gives me a glimmer of hope and something to count down towards rather than just feeling like there is infinite amounts of time passing with nothing getting easier.

Anyway, aside from that stuff I am finding something else a bit difficult at the moment and that is my friend and team leader at work.  I sit next to her in the office and we are friends as well as colleagues but recently I am finding her harder and harder to sit with all day.  I’m not sure whether she has changed, or whether I have only just started to notice, but she is SO miserable and negative and she literally moans about absolutely everything, constantly all day long.  I find myself going to work feeling happy enough and within half an hour of being at my desk, I am irritated and stressed out. I’ve been trying all sorts of different tactics to stop myself being affected by her, such as not really entertaining the things she says when she’s moaning about someone – for example I continue typing and looking at my screen and maybe just make a “mm” noise rather than engaging with her properly.  That seemed to just annoy her and she said “are you listening?”.

The real problem is that she is the team leader of 7 of us and she is absolutely awful at that role. She does not lead or manage any of the team and because of it, the team is crap.  There are people that barely do any work, people that are so shit at their job but never called up that they are avoided when work is being given out, some girls are late every single day, some take long lunches every day and one girl sits on her phone literally all day long.  What does she do about this? Literally I am not exaggerating, all she does is moan to me and slag them off to me.  She NEVER disciplines them, or tells them off. She never calls them up on anything.  For example on a typical day I will have her in my ear saying “X is late again, what a surprise”, then “She’s on her bloody phone again!!”, “what time did X go to lunch? Why isn’t she back yet?” and “X has fucked this up, again, she’s useless!” and on and on it goes.  The other day I found myself snapping at her for something she was moaning about and she said “Well I don’t mean you, obviously” and so I said “Well, I am the only one who can hear you!!”.  Its infuriating.  It probably sounds pathetic but honestly, since this has become more and more of an issue, I find her more and more painful to sit next to and obviously she is the boss and so I have nobody to complain to about her.

She does have a boss too and my husband has suggested I go straight to that person but I don’t feel that is an option because they are close and so the other boss would just tell her what I had said about her but also, we have a friendship (one that now feels difficult) and I don’t think that would be the right thing to do – to go over her head and complain about her. Ugh.

Luckily she works from home on a Friday and I know it sounds awful but I love it. I get to come in and get my head down and work hard without all the bitching and moaning and negativity. That’s awful isn’t it? On top of that, I have the additional anger because she isn’t managing the team and I feel I am doing so much more work that everyone else (because they are all too busy being late, at lunch, on their phones or useless lol) and I am too conscientious (to a fault) to let the work mount up until someone complains.  Even SHE told me the other day “stop doing it all then, let someone complain when a deadline is missed!” but its like…. OR you could do your job and MANAGE the team????? She has been in this role for over 20 years now so it isn’t anything to do with not knowing what to do.  I don’t understand her reasons, whether its laziness or what, but it sucks and because of her I am finding work really difficult.

I said to my husband that if we weren’t so desperate for a baby I would 100% be leaving – without a doubt, but unfortunately I need maternity pay for if and when the time comes and I can’t afford to start a new job and have to wait the two years to get that again.

Since writing this she has phoned me (whilst I am off sick) to talk about a few jobs I was dealing with yesterday.  Even that annoys me because she doesn’t ever phone anyone else in the team when they are off sick, they are left alone but because we are “friends”, she obviously feels she can call me and on the phone she was miserable and winging about stuff and arguing with me about whether or not some figures were right that I’ve done.  I felt like yelling at her to leave me alone, but obviously I can’t do that so I didn’t.  Still, just since that call I can feel my body has gone angry and tense.  She really causes a reaction in me, she irritates me so easily.

Okay, rant over.

So that is about it really…. T is on holiday this week and next so no therapy for me for a while.  I feel okay about that though, at the moment anyway.


My analogy for when I am regressed

I came up with a very random analogy the other night to explain to my husband how I feel in the times that I suddenly “miss” my mother and I thought I would write it here so that in the harder times to come, I can read this and remind myself of what is happening.

I used a smoking analogy because my husband has recently quit smoking and so I hoped he would be able to relate a little more, this is what I said:

I explained that it is like when you’ve quit something (smoking, drinking, drugs – whatever) and you know that you are doing the right thing. You have all the facts, you know smoking is killing you, you know its costing a lot of money, you know it makes your clothes smell and ruins your taste buds etc and you are really, genuinely very glad that you have quit.  You are proud of yourself for quitting.  All is good.

Until all of a sudden, you are hit with this extreme craving for a cigarette.  Suddenly the need for a cigarette is urgent and although you know all of the logical stuff about health and finances and how disappointed you would be with yourself for caving, you can decide in a second to either disregard all of that stuff and just satisfy the craving with a cigarette… OR fight the craving.  Distract yourself by drinking some water or by brushing your teeth – whatever it is that you need to do.  You have a moment when it is so easy to go either way.

But gradually, over time, the cravings come less and less often (or maybe eventually stop altogether).  The fight was worth it! You are no longer addicted.  YAY!!!

I explained that it feels much the same way to me in relation with my mum at times.  I can be happy with the very limited contact we have. I can know that I am better off this way, know that it is better for me and for my peace of mind and yet randomly, every now and again I find myself in this regressed child-like place where suddenly all the logic goes out of the window and all that seems to matter is that I get my needs met (the needs often being this fantasy of having the perfect, loving mother stroking my hair and bringing me tea and stuff).

I can feel this really strong pull to go to her – to run to her and I have to decide which way I will go.  I can either, give in to this really strong craving to see her OR I can try to sit through the pain and wait for it to pass (which it will, it always does).

In those moments the choices are so hard.  The attachment pull can feel stronger than anything I’ve never known and I am sure it isn’t QUITE that deep for a smoker giving up their fags, but hopefully the analogy makes sense anyway.  In those moments you have a choice and all anyone wants to do when they have an addiction is make themselves feel better – back to “normal” and often we convince ourselves that the best and easiest way to do that is to just give in and deal with the consequences afterwards (or just put that out of your mind).

I am relieved that I am able to resist my “cravings” these days and I am able to just sit through the pain but I admit the pain hasn’t really got much easier.  When I am regressed like that, the pain is still horrendous BUT it doesn’t last as long as it used to and I am pleased to say that I do bounce back quicker then I used to.

However I do know that it is easy for me to sit and write this now as I am clearly in my adult head but when I am regressed and in my child state, none of this seems to really get through to me.  I write this anyway with the hope that it will… you never know.

I told my husband, T and myself to be quite honest(!) that until now it has felt like torture sometimes not doing what it felt like I wanted to.  There have been times when I have really wanted to just turn up at my mum’s house and see her face as she opens the door to me. I’ve had visions of all sorts of lovely, fantasy visits and I have stopped myself contacting her or going to her house or whatever just because of what T and my husband would say and think. I have had the intellectual knowledge that it isn’t a good idea and that she wouldn’t be able to really give me what I wanted but it wasn’t quite there in terms of my feelings – it still felt like torture and like I was not doing what I wanted to do.  That was a tough feeling to feel and in my regressed states I often used to think to myself “fuck what everyone else thinks I should do – this is my life and my mum!”.

And so that is why when I realised this week that it is MY choice and really and truly is what I want to do (or not do), that has made everything feel so much easier. It no longer feels like torture because it is my choice.

I explained the above to T yesterday on the phone and she said that although it felt like torture and although I was only doing it because of her and my husband, that their voices kept me safe.  She likened it to a child being told not to do something, for example not to touch the iron because it will burn them – it is only their mother’s voice that stops them doing that thing and even then, they might test it out and once they have really learnt it, they don’t do that thing/touch that iron anymore on their own accord.  Does that make sense? It did to me.

She thinks that the last visit with my mother a few weeks ago pushed me over the edge. Seeing her being so clearly angry and hearing her comment on me having put on weight etc was not nice. It really made me realise that she hasn’t changed and she really won’t ever change.  I said to T that obviously it wasn’t nice, but it did me a favour in the long run.




I’ve not felt myself today.  Unfortunately it was one of those mornings where I woke up with a headache and felt miserable.  I really hate those mornings because it feels like I have no control over how I’m feeling.  I can’t talk myself out of it or seem to shake it off and they seemingly come from nowhere which is frustrating!

Today was especially frustrating because I have been feeling positive lately and as I have already written, our most recent fertility test went well.  I spoke to T yesterday and felt positive that we had a plan with regards to our fertility, mainly sorting out my thyroid and then trying naturally again for a few months before trying IUI.  I was relieved my tubes were given the all-clear and relieved the procedure was done.  On top of that I have been feeling so much better about things with my mum – so why the headache and sad/grumpy mood today?

I just do not know.  It could be because I am starting to really miss and crave our own house.  I miss just being able to enjoy a day off work even if that means just lounging around at home and not doing much. Maybe doing some housework, watching some crap tele, napping and drinking tea! I just cannot do that here with the in-laws.  The tele is rarely on and when it is on, my mother in law watches a select few programmes which I do not watch (or enjoy).  All other times my MIL is doing crosswords and my FIL is on his laptop.  I feel so bored. Time drags on and I can’t wait for it to be an acceptable time for bed! Today I felt that even more than normal – I am off work because of the procedure yesterday and I feel like I have to get up at a reasonable time and be showered and dressed with the bed made etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t intend to lay around in a messy house anyway, but its the feeling of not having the choice if that makes sense?

Since our chain restarted recently, its only actually been a few weeks and so we are currently aiming for early October to move – at least another month and whilst on the whole that isn’t THAT long, it really feels it at the moment. The house thing has dragged on for so long now that honestly I sometimes forget that we are waiting for our own house to complete, it feels like a pipe dream.

T is now on a break for two weeks.  I feel fine about that though I will miss talking to her as I always do.  She’s gone away at a good time though really because I feel strong enough about the major things in my life and not having to drive all the way to her house every Tuesday from the parent in law’s will be handy.. but maybe that has something to do with how I am feeling today? Can it be a coincidence that I have woken up feeling like this the day after our last session? Maybe… who knows.

I said to my husband earlier that although obviously I am very, very glad my tubes are clear and that we have no major problems physically that I do feel a bit of an anti-climax.  For the last month or so we’ve had appointments and blood tests and I’ve had scans and then yesterday’s procedure.  We have had forms to complete and leaflets to read and decisions to make and then all of a sudden.. its all done (for now).  This may sound like a weird thing to say because obviously I would MUCH rather be in this position than potentially waiting for more procedures if there were any big problems .. but still, that is a bit of a feeling that I have today. A bit like… what now? It feels like I’ve been able to be really proactive and had stuff to focus on and now all I can do is take a pill every morning and wait to see if it improves my TSH levels enough that we can safely try for a baby again.

I am due to ovulate in a few days time, it feels like a shame to “waste” the chance to try but its the decision we have made and one that is very important.  Besides, living with the PIL’s, we have not been able to get jiggy anyway! It has been weeks (literally) since me and my husband have been able to get anywhere near one another.  That hasn’t bothered me too much – weirdly I don’t feel particularly game when there are PILs walking round all the time but sometimes I think you need that bit of intimacy between you to keep things feeling right and I know I feel closer and happier when me and my husband have a chance to be affectionate which we haven’t been since living here with his parents.

Lastly I know I had a dream last night and that my mother and stepfather were in it.  I can’t remember anything about it now, but I remember waking up and thinking that wouldn’t have helped. Sometimes I have a dream and that dictates my mood for the entire next day – they can be so powerful!! Maybe my subconscious is holding on to feelings from that dream and its a dream mood carryover thing?

The worst of the mood is over and the headache is beginning to lift a little, but it hasn’t gone completely.  Unfortunately I think its here for the rest of the day and I just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning I feel better.  It feels weird to feel so crappy without really knowing why – does anyone else get this?

I have decided to give caffeine free tea a go because I drink too much tea and because I am so fed up with having to have a wee every ten minutes and according to Dr Google, caffeine makes that worse.  So far and I genuinely cannot taste the difference whatsoever so that can’t be a bad thing can it? I need to lose some weight as I feel so fat and bloated at the moment and I know that won’t be helping my general mood. I miss going to spin class and I miss having the freedom to jump in my car and drive to my local gym.  These are all things I can’t wait to have back when we finally move.  For now though, I could be doing something about that and I could temporarily join a gym up here but I don’t seem to have the motivation – its a viscous circle huh? Having said all of that, maybe it is simply my thyroid making me feel fatigued and flat.


Fertility: HyCoSy

I’ve just got home after another trip to the fertility clinic this morning, this time for the dreaded “HyCoSy” procedure.

A HyCoSy is carried out in order to see if the Fallopian tubes are clear and healthy, or blocked. Blocked Fallopian tubes can mean that natural conception is not possible as the sperm and egg cannot meet.

I won’t lie, I’ve been dreading this procedure for weeks. I felt scared shitless by last night and cried when I got into bed from sheer panic and anxiety. Mainly from the pain to be totally honest but obviously what the results could mean for us. If my tubes are blocked that could mean we would never be able to conceive naturally and it would also mean that having IUI was out (which is our next treatment plan if necessary).

Anyway, it’s done now and I’m here to document what happened and how it felt.

The first thing that happened was that the dr collected us from the waiting room and asked me to read and sign a form (consent form I guess). He told me what he would be doing but I already knew in great detail because I’m an obsessive Google-er lol.

Once on the bed and in position, the doctor started by “cleaning” things up making sure everything was sterile etc. He then inserted the speculum (same as what is used during a smear test), he then inserted the catheter which goes through your vagina, through your cervix and into your uterus. I was nervous as hell about this as many years ago I had an IUD fitted and it hurt SO much. This was nowhere near as bad as that I swear.

Once the catheter was in place, a tiny balloon is blown up which holds the catheter in place. It’s absolutely tiny but I guess anything down there that’s foreign is going to feel big isn’t it??

I suddenly felt quite a bit of pain and I told the doctor and the nurse and the Dr said “is that better?” and it was – almost instantly. Apparently they blow the balloon up all the way, then they deflate it a little until it no longer hurts. I was relieved that this meant the speculum was in, the catheter was in AND the balloon was inflated. We were halfway there.

the next step is for them to insert the dye and that’s done via a syringe which is attached to the catheter. It felt uncomfortable, achy, but not painful as such. At the same time as the nurse is doing this, the doctor is using an internal probe/ultrasound to get a look at what’s going on. This is referred to as a “dildo camera” on the internet which is shockingly accurate LOL!!

The doctor was showing me my tubes on the screen and showing me the dye going through but to be honest, I couldn’t make anything out, it was just a blur but I nodded along anyway.

At one point the nurse did an ultrasound on my stomach but I don’t know why but my husband said it was to check the balloon was in the right place.

This went on about 15 mins and eventually he was happy and said we were done. I then realised that I had been clenching my bum LOL and so I tried to relax but my legs were shaking a bit and I guess it was just nerves.

Just as I relaxed and felt him remove the catheter, he inserted another speculum(wasn’t expecting that!) so was a bit of a shock but fine, just that horribly weird feeling when they screw it in place and then he must have cleaned everything up with some sort of solution as I felt very (excuse me for writing this) wet down below and felt like I was having a shower LOL! That was a bit cringe but I guess it’s nothing he doesn’t see all the time.

And then, we were done! Wahhhoooooo.

I got to get up and get dressed and then we went into the consultation room where he said my tubes were both absolutely fine and open. A huge relief.

He then told me that my anti tpo blood test results were back and were “normal”. I was glad but surprised and he said he was also surprised and said “it’s strange”. He said he would prescribe me with 50mg of thyroxine (for thyroid) and that I should take this for 4-6 weeks and get another blood test in 4 weeks to see if it’s helping to bring down my TSH levels which are too high.

And then we left!

I’m now laying on the sofa with a cup of tea. I feel so relieved that it’s over, relieved it wasn’t as painful as I was scared it would be and relieved my tubes are not blocked. I cried on the drive home when the relief hit me.

I have some stomach cramps but nothing bad at all, in all honestly I could be at work but I’m glad I’m not and I feel so tired, but I think that’s mainly to do with how anxious I’ve been feeling. The adrenaline is wearing off I suppose?

All in all, the HyCosy really isn’t bad at all. Certainly not as bad as I was worried it would be and nowhere near as bad as having a coil fitted. Not even close!!

I’m going to pick up my first thyroxine prescription shortly and I’ll start taking that tomorrow morning (an hour before food and only with water – no caffeine etc). My hope is that after having a flush out of my tubes plus starting thyroxine, that we have a better chance of conceiving naturally. Personally we have decided not to try this month (ovulation is a few days away) because we want my TSH levels to come down first.

Apparently your TSH levels should be between 0.5 and 2.0 when conceiving and my levels are currently at 6.0. This is important in pregnancy for fetal brain development and the baby’s nervous system so we are going to sit this month out and hope that next month I’m in a healthier place.

The way it is

I have to admit that my mind has been entirely consumed by all things relating to fertility and my potential thyroid/autoimmune disease lately and so my worries regarding my mum took a back seat, in fact I would go as far as to say that she wasn’t even in the car! Pretty understandable I think and actually, I’m glad. Thank god she isn’t overshadowing everything like she once would have. I think it probably also shows that my anxiety is improving because I’ve managed to compartmentalise and not try to worry about absolutely everything all at once.

Anyway I was bored at work today as my boss is on holiday and I flicked onto a forum that I am on and where I had written a post after seeing her last Sunday and found a new reply. I read the reply and agreed with everything the person had said which was basically that I was perfectly entitled to not see my mother at her house without my husband if I didn’t want to. She actually used the words “The Queen Is Displeased” which I felt hit the nail on the head. She said that my mother won’t ever be 100% happy unless everything is ok her terms and that isn’t a healthy and normal relationship. Also absolutely true.

It was only really as I read this reply and thought about my opinion/thoughts on it that I realised that this had taken a back seat. I think that when I have just seen her I have this sense of urgent panic about me – when I saw her a week ago today, it felt like I needed to prepare myself ASAP. A week on, clearly the urgency has gone. It sounds bad I know but it’s like the danger has subsided… she’s gone back to her place and I’m back in my place and it feels like the moment she would have said something has passed – for now – this time.

Does that make any sense?

Also it would be true to say that I’m incredibly impatient and impulsive and I’m often in a bit of a rush. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe that feeling is all in my head.

Maybe, but I’m not convinced.

Believe me when I say, my mum-dar is incredibly in tune after years of trying to predict her moods and stay safe – she was ANGRY!! She was well and truly pissed at me. She is fed up of having to come out of her house to see me. She’s pissed off that I won’t just “go back to normal”. Her patience with me is wearing VERY thin. Very.

And I’ve said this before I know, but the mum that I met at the garden centre 2 months ago (the one that seemed caring and gentle and cried when I left as she sobbed she loved and missed me) – where was that mum?

That mum (garden centre mum), she would have been pleased with ANY contact from me. A text even! Genuinely I felt that. But last Monday’s mum, she wasn’t happy with anything at all. I mean she did come I suppose, and she didn’t have to… but I could sense she didn’t want to be there.

I’m not sure how she can change so much, in a relatively short space of time. I suspect my (genuinely accidental) mention of going to my Dad’s bbq probably didn’t help. She’s always found my Dad a threat. She would never in a million years eveerrrrr admit that – but I see that now. She’s always been desperate that I need/love her more. Parent wars.

Anyway, back to the point – I thought to myself earlier that I really do need to try to get it straight in my own head my reasons why I won’t go to her house or see her husband. I need to get it straight in my head for my own sake – not for her’s. I will feel more relaxed and calm and at peace if I know what I’ll say to her. It means that when the time comes (which it will), I won’t go into a total meltdown, I’ll just be able to tell her my reasons.

And then I realise that I struggle to articulate my reasons to anyone and I mean anyone, I can’t tell my husband and I can’t even tell myself!

The best I could come up with was “I’ve got used to not going/doing those things and I don’t miss it/them”.


“I don’t know why really. I can’t explain it. I just don’t want to go on my own”.

I also said to my husband that it was simply because I didn’t want to have to pretend I had forgiven/liked my stepdad but my husband actually said “is it that though, or is that just an excuse?”.

Is that just an excuse?

I want to say no, it’s not… but yeah it could be I suppose.

T says I am just better at protecting myself and I’ve learnt not to be around people or in places that don’t make me feel good. That I’ve learnt to look after myself.

The thing that shocks me about all of this is that I have a real, genuine sense of being happy with things the way they are. That’s actually a huge statement for me. It seems like nothing typed onto the page amongst all the other written diarrhoea, but it’s actually massive.

I am happy with things the way they are.

I don’t want them to change.

I mean, 😮… when did that happen???

Anyone that’s read my blog for a while will probably know I’ve gone through moments/days/times where I’ve felt like I might die from the heartache of missing my mum. Of needing and wanting my mum. Of the void. Of the sadness, the guilt and I’m not even talking about historic pain – the most recent was only 8 weeks ago (post garden centre mum).

How has this happened? Is this real? Will it stay?

I have a real, genuine (sorry can’t think of any other way to describe this) feeling that even in those moments now, those moments when I want to be my mum’s little girl, I can still hold on to the knowledge/feeling somewhere in me that it’s not real or it won’t last – that basically, I’ll regret it if I do anything drastic.

T clearly knows that too, that’s why she always tries so hard to get me to “just sit with it”. She knows the feeling will pass and that I’ll be left regretting everything. Though I reckon in those times I put up a pretty decent argument 🤣 in fact I’ll go as far as to say that sometimes I think I convince MYSELF !!!

I never, never, ever thought I would feel like this and don’t worry, I’m not being cocky or naive here – I absolutely accept that I’ll probably relapse again (more than once) and feel like that heartbreak, agony, void-going-to-kill-me pain isn’t worth it and I’ll want to “fix” everything. And then I won’t again.

I wonder whether this is similar to how someone feels when they have given up alcohol or drugs after a serious addiction. Do they sometimes feel like they can clearly see and feel all the many good things that have come their way since they quit their vice – but then (less and less often) will they relapse? Or nearly relapse?? Genuine question – I don’t know.

I don’t hate my mum. I don’t even feel angry with her. I just feel …. that what we have these days is probably enough for me. That’s sad in a way, but it’s also soooooooooo much less painful than it used to me when I was constantly wishing for more.

Fertility update

Yesterday I had another appointment at the clinic. It was a pretty big day for us yesterday and the first day we were going to get any actual answers about what is/could be causing us difficulties. After 3 years of not knowing anything, I was SO excited for this day to arrive.

As we drove there yesterday morning I started to feel a little sick with nerves. There were SO many possibilities about the news we could get. We could be told that our struggle was “unexplained” or we could be told there were serious problems. We could be told there was an easy fix or no fix at all.. that we could try certain drugs first or that we would have to go straight to the BIG treatments. On top of that, I had to have my physical exam and though I had read quite a bit about it and had read it was nothing to worry about whatsoever, I was nervous because I actually found my last smear pretty horrible. 

We arrived at the clinic just before 9am and waited for my husband to be called in to do his bit (SA). This was his third one and so that wasn’t really a big deal but he was a bit freaked out because the other tests he has done he has done at home – this was going to be done at the clinic and, I mean, even as a woman I can understand that must be weird as hell!! He has since told me all about the room and what was said to him before/after and though we laughed our heads off, I have to admit I am surprised that more men don’t have a mental block. Hubby said that there was a TV in there (for some visual stimulation lol) but he said he didn’t dare turn the TV on because he was petrified the sound would come blaring out and everyone in the waiting room would hear it and know it was him and think he was a perv! LOL. Oh this still makes me laugh now.

We were then meant to wait until 10am for my appointment but annoyingly we were still sitting in the waiting room at 10.30 and I was getting anxious. The waiting room was empty apart from us so I started to panic that they had scheduled us wrong and we wouldn’t end up being seen and then I wouldn’t get any answers agghhh (luckily that didn’t happen). Finally the consultant came to get us and took us into a private room and then asked me to follow him into another room for the exam. Hubby was apparently meant to/allowed to come but clearly freaked out and decided to stay where he was LOL. So off I went.

I have to say, the physical exam was nothing. The worst part about it was the initial inserting of the camera device bit being a bit uncomfortable (not as bad as a smear though) and the rest was fine! I got to watch the screen and the consultant started to talk me through what he was looking at. He told me that I had a “beautiful uterus” which made me LOL and me and the nurse joked about how that is a compliment you don’t get to hear every day (though I suspect she probably does if truth be told). He then told me that there were no cysts or fibroids, no POLYPS, no endo etc. That was great to hear. He then said he was going to count my follicles on one side and he counted 4. I had no idea whether that was good or bad – he said he wanted more. Luckily he then started to find more and ended up finding 9 on one side and 8 on the other. Apparently that is fine. 

He said something about my tubes but to be honest I don’t really know what he was looking for because I have read before that they can’t get a good look at your tubes from an internal ultrasound – who knows. Regardless, all looked good and then we were done and I was able to get dressed and go and join him and my husband in the other room.

I was relieved that bit was over and now excited for the longgggg awaited answers!!

The consultant started by saying to me and my husband that my scan was good and that there were no problems at all. YAY. He then said he had my blood results and that my AMH was fine (I can’t remember the exact number now but it was in the “normal” range apparently. He then said my vitamin D levels were high (which apparently was a good thing) and he said “I don’t know how you have managed that because I am darker skinned than you so mine should be higher than yours”.) He said “what do you do?” and I said I didn’t know, but that I did take supplements – he told me to continue taking them. 

All good so far then.

He then said to my husband “right, you’re up” and he clicked onto his name on his computer and brought up his SA results. As said before, he has had a few so we weren’t worried about his results. He started to talk us through the results and all was good. He then told us the percentage of “normal” swimmers my hub has and we were so happy because the normal is 4% and the last few tests my husband had 2%. Yesterday he had 6% and we were made up because he quit smoking 3 weeks ago and has been taking the conception vitamins and so this felt like real evidence of how hard he had tried AND how much smoking effected things. I was also secretly really pleased because I knew he would really feel good about getting his results up from 2% and below average to 6% and above average – partly for fertility/health reasons and partly for male pride/ego!!!

And so we moved on.. back to me.

The consultant said to me “thyroid” and I thought to myself “I bet there’s a problem”… I was right. Weirdly I was quite happy as he indicated something wasn’t right which I know sounds really odd but I had been hoping for such a long time that the doctors would find something fairly simple wrong with me that could easily be fixed. 

I would explain the ins and outs of my thyroid problem but to be honest I can’t because it is sooo confusing. The short version of the story is that my brain is telling my thyroid to work harder than it should be/needs to and that a particular level for pregnant women/women trying to conceive is no higher than 2 and that mine was nearly 6. Whoa! He then said that he was concerned that the reason for this was an auto-immune disease and so he said he wanted me to have an Anti-TPO blood test. This will tell us whether my thyroid problem is caused from an auto-immune disease such as Graves Disease. Basically my immune system could be making antibodies that attack my thyroid. 

My husband asked if this could be the cause of us not being able to conceive but he didn’t really answer that straight (he tended to talk fast and he did talk to us like we were doctors to be honest – sometimes I had to ask him to clarify things he was saying). The general gist of his response was “no” because personally I still ovulate each month, BUT he said that my thyroid the way it is would not be able to support a baby if I were pregnant and so it needs to be sorted. I asked whether I would need medication for the thyroid issue and he said yes but that the first step was to have the blood test and find out what the cause was.

I have since Goggled the life out of this stuff and actually being pregnant before this is controlled would be pretty dangerous! It says that having Graves disease (or another autoimmune thyroid disease) which was not under control could cause miscarriage, pre-term labour, stillbirth, preeclampsia, maternal heart failure, poor foetal growth. Agghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Totally freaking out about this atm. So obviously this needs to be sorted ASAP.

He then said that it may be worth me having a HyCoSy (test to check my fallopian tubes are clear and not blocked). I was dreading him saying that to be honest because I have heard and read bad things about how painful it is – waaaahhh (yes I know, get over it if you want a baby..). He said he would be very surprised if I had any blockages given my background, lack of pregnancy, abortion or miscarriage and given how healthy my uterus was BUT it was worth checking and also, you can’t have IUI if your tubes are blocked. I told him that we had already paid for this test as part of our package and so I felt it was worth doing (as much as I hate to admit it).

Saying that, I have read that if your tubes are not blocked or even if they have a very tiny amount of tissue in them, this test kinda acts as a bit of a jet-wash and can really help. There are a lot of articles and forums online where women say they struggled to conceive for many years and then had this tube test and fell pregnant that same cycle or a cycle or two afterwards – imagiiinnneeee that!!

The doctor then went on to say that in summary my hub’s swimmers are great, my uterus is great and that we have age and BMI on our side. He said that I have regular cycles and ovulate naturally which were all really good. He said we basically had 3 options:

1)   Continue to try – but he understood that after 3 years, we may want to not wait much longer;

2)   Attempt IUI; or

3)   Attempt IVF.

He then spoke us through the differences between IUI and IVF. He showed us diagrams and photos and spoke about the pain and costs associated with both. To be honest I already knew a fair bit of what he was telling us (again – thanks Google!) but my hub looked completely lost lol. 

He told us that he didn’t think IUI was really that worthwhile for us because of our particular situation (i.e. that there were no obvious problems, thyroid aside). I asked him what the benefit would be and he said (whilst showing us a diagram) that it would mean we had all the very best swimmers (dead/abnormal ones cleaned away) and that they would be inserted via a catheter right up to my tubes meaning they had a much better chance of getting where they needed to go basically. He said the chances of success were between 15-20% for us. 

We then spoke about IVF and he told us about the drugs and injections and how the eggs would be taken out, fertilised (hopefully) and put back in. I asked him how painful each step of that was and he answered. He told us that the chances of success were higher and for us, about 54%. So quite a big difference in terms of success rates. Annoyingly the price difference is quite big too. A round of “natural” IUI (no hormones or drugs) would cost us £1,100. A round of full on IVF would be £5,000 but there are “extras” which total nearly another £1,000 and whilst you don’t need the extras, I think most people probably take them because if you are going to put yourself through this much and spend that much – I imagine you feel you would be mad not to pay the extra and get all the extra help you can. I know others may not feel like that. I don’t know how I feel yet.

We then left the room and went to speak to a nurse about the costs involved in all our different options and then I had the blood test for the thyroid thing and booked in the HyCoSy (tube test) for next week. I then had to do a urine test because they have to check you for chlamydia before they test your tubes. 

And then we finally left with what felt like a gazillion leaflets and A LOT to think about.

I felt happy. Hubby didn’t seem to feel half as happy as me – I wasn’t sure why. Unfortunately hubby had to go to work after and so we both had the rest of the day separate and unable to discuss anything but it gave us time to digest it all a little and I got to speak to T. 

Finally last night we went for a drive and had a chat about it all and we came up with an action plan (I have to have one otherwise I let it totally preoccupy me for days/weeks). Our action plan is:

1)   Get results back re thyroid/auto-immune system disease and sort out medication for that. I need to find out how long the meds will take to work properly – enough that if I were to fall pregnant, neither myself or the baby would be at risk. This is clearly the most important step for now.

2)   Get tube test done next week and find out if tubes are blocked or open as that will help decide future steps.

3)   Once tubes have been jet-washed (and we know they are open (fingers crossed) AND my thyroid has been sorted out – potentially we could try naturally for another few cycles).

4)   Then (if tubes open) try a round of IUI. Despite the doctor telling us the success rates, we feel it would be worth a shot because we don’t have a spare £6k and it would take us a long while to save that amount PLUS once everything else has been hopefully fixed, it might just give us a little helping hand without having to go through the gruelling hormones and injections and egg harvesting etc. We feel it is worth a go even if the odds aren’t fantastic.

5)   Lastly: save for IVF.

I feel quite good today. I mean, there is clearly a lot of stuff to take in and fully understand here and I am slightly concerned about this autoimmune thing. I am nervous about what that could mean if I were to get pregnant but I am relieved that I know the other things are in our favour (no cysts, good sperm, good egg supply etc). It could certainly be worse.

That’s where we are now… I am just being a scaredy-cat about the tube test next week and I will probably Google more things and then wish I hadn’t – clearly I have a Google addiction.

If anyone has been through any of this and would like to leave me a comment, I would really love to hear your thoughts/stories! Anyone with Graves or thyroid issues that has had trouble conceiving or anyone that is/was on thyroid meds and had a pregnancy? Anything really – I don’t have anyone in my “real” life to talk to so I would love a conversation. 

Twink x

Seeing my mum

So you may remember that about 6 weeks or so ago I saw my mother for breakfast and at the end of the meeting she cried her eyes out and said how much she missed me etc. It threw me into a bit of a tizzy and I started having all sorts of fantasies that maybe things could get better between us.

After some time and speaking to T, that feeling subsided and I came back down to reality, BUT since then we’ve texted more regularly than we have for a few years. I was actually enjoying our texts which is saying something! 

I started to confide in her more than I have for a long while about various events in my life but nothing that she could ruin or anything. Then I realised I would be in her town monday visiting my father and so I suggested I met her beforehand. She agreed. 

When I met her she was watching me walk towards her and her first words were “you’ve put weight on!!”. I was so shocked and unprepared I couldn’t believe it. She followed up by saying that it looked better on me as I had got “too skinny”. 

We then went into a shop and she picked up a tiny pair of Jeans and said “these are your size”. She wasn’t being sarcastic but clearly she must know I’m not that small – especially after her comment!! She did twice. 

I was only with her about an hour and a half but I left feeling like she was angry. I even noticed that a few seconds into seeing her I questioned myself “am I angry and projecting onto her?” But I was wasn’t – she was dumping her anger on me. 

In hindsight I think she was furious with me. Furious that I was going to be seeing my dad. Furious I was going to a family bbq with him when I refuse to go to “her side’s” events and god knows what else. It honestly felt like the mum I saw 6 weeks ago who cried she missed me and yesterday’s mum were different people! Oh I should add in that shop she bought me some clothes (she just grabbed them off me and paid). 

Anyway, now I feel like the weight comment was punishment. I think she’s so angry with me and that comment just came out. That or she really is glad I’ve put some weight on because she would rather I was chubbier than her – who knows. 

Either way I can feel she’s not going to keep meeting me just for lunch or coffees much longer. She’s clearly peed off and I can *feel* it’s coming. What am I going to do when she asks “is this all we are ever going to do?”. I don’t know how to answer that. 

One part of me is enjoying things the way they are and have been for the last couple of years. I see her on my terms maybe every two months for an hour. One part of me wishes things were different (but they aren’t). I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to start going to her house and seeing her husband etc – I don’t want to go back to spending every birthday and Xmas with her and her husband and the wider family. I don’t even really know why that is …. I wouldn’t know what to say. 

I’m dreading her asking “is this all we can ever do?” Or “when will you come to my house again” or that type of thing. My mum’s style is to tell me I’m dragging something out or being silly. I’m genuinely not doing anything to punish her – but since I’ve distanced myself to this contact, I’ve felt much better.

I think I’ve lost sight of my reasons for not doing those things, it’s like I’ve forgotten. I don’t feel safe going to her house and seeing her husband or the extended family without my husband (and they don’t speak) and I don’t want to have a life where I see her and then without him. He point blank refuses to see her and she still doesn’t even say his name.

What a mess!!

Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers

Today has to be the shittiest day. I mean I say that quite a lot on a Monday, but genuinely today was total and utter shit. Shit on a stick.

To explain I’ll need to go back in time a few days, to Thursday. Thursday my hubby and I FINALLY had our consultation at the fertility clinic. That was a very, very long time coming and after numerous sets of blood tests and semen analysis’ etc, we were finally going to speak to an expert!! After the NHS doing a giant number on us and dropping us, we were paying for the privilege of this expert, but even that did not dampen my mood. I was elated. Honestly I had been counting down the days for weeks and weeks and so when I woke up that morning, I was like a kid at Christmas.

So off we went, we arrived at the fertility clinic and went inside. The reception area was completely empty other than a slightly strange receptionist but we booked ourselves in and sat down to wait. We arrived 5 minutes early. Annoyingly we were still sitting there waiting 20 minutes later and were both getting a bit annoyed because surely someone should have at least acknowledged our wait, but no.

Eventually we were called in by a doctor who’s name I genuinely cannot say or spell lol – he’s Greek but have us a nickname. I’ll refer to him as Costas. Costas thought we were there for a second opinion and I corrected him that no, this was our first opinion and then he said he had no notes at all for us and asked if we had been given a questionnaire? No we had not. Not the best start.

I showed him our test results and to make this less boring for anyone reading it, he said that I needed to have an AMH blood test which checks for your ovarian reserve, an internal ultrasound – which checks for cysts, fibroids, endo etc, and finally a HyCoSy which checks to see if your Fallopian tubes are clear or blocked. I wasn’t surprised by any of that as I’ve spent months (years) on Google and forums etc. Fine.

However then he basically waves us out the room. I was expecting a hell of a lot more detail – I was expecting questions about my cycles and about whether and when I ovulate. I was expecting questions about how often we have sex and our history etc etc…. but he just kept waving his hand and saying “that’s for later”.

My husband looked at me and said “okay?” I was clearly visibly shocked or annoyed or upset and I kinda nodded yeah and we left the room and paid. I looked at my watch because I couldn’t believe how quickly the appointment had gone and it had been 17 minutes from start to finish. I felt ripped off to be honest. I also felt like I was going to burst into tears so we paid and hurried out the building.

We went to a nearby coffee shop and I told my husband how I felt. I said I was shocked at how brief the apt was, how little he seemed to ask, how I barely understood him (not his fault I know), how it felt like a rip-off in terms of money, particularly as he didn’t even spend the entire apt time with us and then out of nowhere I said I felt petrified of the tests I needed to have AND that I wasn’t sure I could face HIM doing them and then I cried and said I felt overly scared and said he reminded me of that man that abused me when I was young.

Hubby was rightly shocked, horrified and concerned and started to reassure me that we would never go there, ever again. I felt overwhelmed, scared, let down and all sorts of other things.


an hour or so later I started to feel a bit better. Then I had my phone apt with T and she did well to ground me. She reminded me that he was an expert, a specialist, a professional. She told me he wouldn’t be “pervy”. She spoke to me about how I needed to try to separate the emotion from the physical tests needed and to look at them as a means to an end and to try to take the feelings to her or family or friends and keep them out of the fertility clinic if I could. She also said that I was absolutely entitled to find another consultant or clinic if I didn’t feel happy with him.

I later googled the consultant and his reviews are amazing. I didn’t read a single bad one. I also found out that he teaches AND he writes medical papers…. maybe I was too quick to judge. I since think that I may have just used him to project all my feelings into. My worries, insecurities, fears, anxiety etc.

I feel a bit bad now. Eek.

Anyway, between then and last night I was completely consumed by trying to google other local clinics, seeing what packages they offered, comparing prices, comparing live birth rates, comparing distance etc etc…. I also read every article I could find on the tests I need to have, on the most common reasons for female infertility… and I then googled all the signs and symptoms of each to see if I could narrow anything down. I was STRESSED by the end of yesterday and we had the children here (at the in laws where I’m living) and I just felt fed up.

Unfortunately my husband (whom I love very much) asked me “what’s wrong??” and I swear to god I could have shot him. How is it that I’m obsessed by this, and he doesn’t even have a clue why it is that I may not be at my best? Same husband also said to me when we woke up yesterday morning (with a huge smile) “god I love it when I wake up and the kids are here”.


I mean, that’s lovely. But ouch. You know? I don’t get that same feeling because they aren’t mineeeeeeeee and I am jealous that he gets that feeling and then I got a headache and then I felt moody and sad and inside my ovaries were crying (again). Plus I get all the fun stuff of being stepmum such as making sure everyone’s brushed their teeth, eaten, that the in-law’s house is tidy, that the kids have washed clothes, lunch, dinner etc etc….. I love my stepkids but this weekend doing all of this was tough. ESPECIALLY whilst not living in my own house and on top of the clinic apt and my mind full of all things fertility.

In the end I found another clinic which was cheaper and just as good and so my husband suggested we emailed the first clinic and asked why they were so much more expensive and if they would give us a discount. Now I don’t like to do things like this, but the consultant did say, and I quote “I do good discounts if you ask”. So Hubby’s thought process was – why not ask?!

As I write this we’ve had no response 🤣😂

However today I phoned the other (cheaper) clinic and asked some questions and I have to say, they sound lovely. The lady I spoke to was so helpful, friendly, professional and I just liked her. She also told me I could book the first appointment (blood test) within a couple of days if I wanted to and that my second appointment (physical exam and consultation) could be 24 hours later once my blood results were back.

She also said that they didn’t make people have the HyCoSy test immediately at apt two because sometimes they get all the info they need from the first physical scan and blood test. I assume she means that if your results show you have, say, no eggs or cysts etc – they plan to treat that. Basically they don’t make you go through the pain of the HyCosy unless necessary BUT it is included in the price – half the price of clinic number one.

I think I’m pretty sold on this clinic now so I’m hoping to plan a date and time with the hub tonight to get that first one booked in and then the second one after that. Can’t pretend I’m not thrilled by potentially not having to have the HyCosy – everything I’ve read sounds horrific.


Fertility stuff aside at 9am this morning the estate agents rang me. I was so excited as I knew exchange was approaching soon so I answered excitedly …. however I was told bad news. Our sellers have lost their purchase. Their buyers have pulled out.

I literally couldn’t believe it. After all this time?

They are now out looking again and are apparently very keen to move ASAP and are worried they could lose their sale (us). All I could think was OMG I cannot believe we could have to live at the in-laws for another 3 months… or more, who knows?!

I also felt sorry for myself and thought “why now? Give me a break!!” and I also felt angry because I just want to get pregnant and I want to be in my own house before we do any treatments and so I NEED this fucking house to hurry up!! Agghhh.

After that random things went to shit. My husband left his laptop at home and had to travel in and out of the city twice. He’s had to work late. I had to do some shit jobs at work, it was Monday. I was tired etc etc….

Its now 7.15pm and I should probably go and get dinner started but I’m still stuck on the sofa typing this out and knowing how the rest of my day has gone, I wouldn’t be hugely surprised if my phone breaks, wipes this entire blog or the house catches fire 🤣 lol okay so I may be being a little dramatic but you know the feeling right?

Yes I’m having a pity party for one. 🥳

On the plus side I walked in tonight to an empty house as the in laws are away – and a pair of brand new slippers on the side which hubby clearly picked up on one of his many trips to work and back today. It’s the little things isn’t it? I cried when I saw them LOL.

Sometimes you just need a pair of slippers it seems.


Dreams about T

It’s 6.28am and I’m just having a quick cup of tea before leaving the house for work. Last night I had therapy and I went to bed as soon as I got home and slept so heavily throughout the night that I almost didn’t mind having to get up today when my alarm went off.

On Monday night however I had a dream about T. In the dream T said “I’ll see you next week but from then on at 4.30pm on a Monday”. I had no idea what she meant and so I questioned her and she said that she was going on holiday, then having a medical procedure and so she couldn’t see me at my usual time any longer. I was stressed and confused and thinking to myself that work wouldn’t allow me to change my hours again and then she said “or you can just wait 3 or 4 months and then see me again at your normal time – it’s up to you”. In the dream I was panicking and thinking 3 or 4 months!! I couldn’t go that long without seeing T – what was going on???

She then said something to me about someone but she couldn’t remember that person’s name. She went through about 4 other names before I promoted her. I can’t remember now who’s name it was, but it was someone’s name that she knew – for example my husband.

I left feeling utterly confused and quite stressed and angry. What was going on? What had happened to T??

I took this dream to her last night. I told her that I thought it was clever I had had the dream the night before seeing her – like it came to me on purpose ready to talk to her about. We spoke about it for a while and T said she thought it was to do with the fact her break is coming up in 3 weeks’ time.

I said that in the dream I was looking at T and was concerned for her – I said that it was like she was unwell or had got old and confused and it was scary. T said “do you have any concerns??” and so I bit the bullet and said …. “well…. I wasn’t going to say because it honestly doesn’t bother me, but you have been calling my stepdad “Martin” lately”. T said that she had also been thinking about that but that she assured me she doesn’t even know of another Martin and so she wasn’t confusing him with anyone – she seemed quite baffled herself and was saying she had been wracking her brain trying to figure out who on earth “Martin” could be! We had a bit of a laugh.

I told her that I totally understood she was just human and that I was thinking how she has to remember her client’s names but then also all of their friends and families names as well as everyone in her own personal life! She jokingly told me that in actual fact, she’s shit at remembering names. I said I disagreed as she had always done well with me and remembered everyone in my life (husband, kids, parents, sister, in law’s etc”. She said “I do alright with you because I’m pretty involved in your life, but anyone else – my own family even! They are fucked!!”. She then joked further “sometimes people ask me my own name and I have to think “what IS my name?””. We both laughed a lot and joked about how my dream was coming true after all!!

We spoke more seriously as well about the fear of T getting old and the fear that she could suddenly drop me and how she has the power in that sense etc. She reassured me that whilst she was getting older, she was not “old” or unwell. I told her that she had surprised me by taking another two week break in September when she had already had a 2 week break in July. She nodded and I said maybe I was worried she was taking more breaks and forgetting my step-dad’s name because she was getting old or unwell and that had caused an unconscious panic about her leaving me. T also said “and we did have that mix up a while back” (she was referring to a session where she said she would see me in 3 weeks’ time and I had absolutely NO idea there was a break coming up and burst into tears”.

She explained to me that the reason she was taking another break in September was because she no longer worked in a school and so could take holiday whenever she wanted now rather than purely in school holidays and said it’s a long stint from July to October without a break. I nodded along and felt better about her reasons though admit I would rather she just took 2 weeks in August than 2 in July and 2 in September – but there we go!!

We also spoke about some other things, work issues I’m having at the moment and about the fact it’s mine and my hubby’s first appointment with a specialist consultant tomorrow at the fertility clinic and how excited I was. She said she had remembered and told me to take notes with me with any questions on and said how she hoped they would be good and that I would feel they could help etc.

That’s it really. I better get off to work now so have a good day all!!

therapy in the park & inner calm

I want to write whilst I have a moment, living with 8 people in the in-laws house without a bedroom doesn’t allow for a lot of time to sit and contemplate one’s inner-thoughts yet alone allow for time to actually write them down! So whilst I am at work on this lovely Friday afternoon without much work to do, I thought I would grab the opportunity. 

I spoke to T on the phone yesterday as is my current routine since the move. To be honest I wasn’t really looking forward to it because I find it difficult to think of enough to talk about on the phone. I don’t really know why that is because I certainly don’t have that issue when there with her face-to-face, but there we go! Anyway, since the move to the in-laws I drive myself to a local park to speak to T where I can be alone and not overheard and me and my husband have taken to calling this TITP – Therapy In The Park, which has kinda stuck and I quite like it ha ha.

So yesterday’s TITP was way better than I had imagined it would be. I’m not entirely sure why, but as I settled down to speak to her, I realised that I felt a real sense of happiness and calm (which is VERY surprising considering everything). During our hour-long phone conversation, I felt light-hearted, fun, happy and just light… we laughed quite a lot and I felt totally and utterly unfiltered like I wasn’t thinking at all about the words forming in my head before they fell out of my lips – I just said stuff and laughed and it was just great. Before I knew it the phone session was over and I was fine with that in the sense that I had nothing pressing to talk about and I felt… whatever it is you feel after a good therapy session.. perhaps contained? – anyway we hung up and I felt myself literally smiling (probably made me look like a freak in public on her own grinning) and I went for a stroll around the park and took some photos and sent one to T showing her the view and telling her that I could get used to TITP. She sent me a quick message back and I smiled and put my phone away. 

Now nothing about that sounds particularly interesting I know, but the feeling I got was new… and if not new, then not common enough to feel “normal” or be taken for granted. It was nice. Really nice. I would quite like to tell her this but I wouldn’t have a clue how to explain it and I don’t want to analyse it or over-think/over-talk it and ruin it, so I am just writing it here to note it down for myself really. 

Regarding my mother..

I wanted to write another update about where I am with things regarding my mother after the other week’s complete meltdown. I still can’t believe how much that got to me, how much it shook me and how utterly distressed and desperate I felt.  

I feel so much better now. So, so, so much better.  

I seem to have found a bit of a middle-ground though and I’ve not gone straight back to how I was before the meltdown occurred in that me and my mother have exchanged more messages in the last few week than we had for about a year(!) but I am finding them nice, but not drastically important, and I’ve lost that awful, sudden need to see her which feels safer. At the same time her messages aren’t making or breaking my days and I am not consumed by the content or anything… it’s hard to explain. Yesterday we exchanged some messages about random things – she sent me photos of her new lounge and her garden and spoke about some events she has coming up etc and I spoke about how I am excited for a wedding next week and mine and Hubby’s apt at the fertility clinic etc. I was slightly nervous that she might ask me when I was coming to stay with her, but she didn’t and so I didn’t need to worry about what to say and how to say it which was a relief. 

I was telling a friend about how I felt the other week and about how upset I was in my session and she said to me “Well I have to admit that if one of my kids didn’t speak to me or want to see me, I would be very upset too” (her kids are also adults) and I found myself saying back to her “Yes but the difference is that if one of your kids didn’t want to see you and you had nothing to do with them or their wife, you would be sitting around trying to figure out what had gone wrong/what you had done and how you could make it better wouldn’t you?” – she agreed. I then said “the difference is, my mum has had years to do that but all she seems to come up with is that she’s never done anything wrong and that it is just all down to my husband and how he has manipulated me and poisoned me against her”. 

The words came out of my mouth and it was like I *heard* them and surprised myself at my own understanding (weird I know). I realised as I said it that it was absolutely true. I knew it before and I know it now, but I didn’t *feel* it the other week. The other week when I was completely and utterly drowning in the child part of me’s hopes and dreams and wishful thinking, none of that felt remotely important. I was willing to turn a blind eye to everything – all of it – in exchange for the love of my mother. I was utterly desperate to be looked after and nurtured and protected et. It felt bigger than everything. It felt HUGE. The logic had detached from the feelings and I couldn’t hold both at the same time.  

Now, at the moment I find myself in this weird no-man’s land really. I question if I am a little numb? (I am not sure). The way I feel is that I can see/feel/remember all the bad stuff yet feel no anger about it and also I can understand the wants, needs and wishes of the child but nowhere near enough to want to actually try and get them. I have no intention of going to stay at her house or of turning up at her door crying or begging her for the chance for us to start again or any of that dramatic, movie-type stuff that I was imagining. I just feel…. nothing really… just like I am here and I can see both sides of it equally but without being affected by either. 

I am not sure if that is a good sign of having balanced myself back out (potentially more so than before!) or whether I am actually numb because the pain of the other week was too much. Who knows? It sure feels better this way though. I feel calm inside and I am not caught up in the stress and anxiety of being angry with her, being hurt by her lack of contact or dreading seeing her or whatever.. I just feel like we can have a few messages about normal stuff which is genuinely fine… but I am not being guilt-tripped or attacked and I am not dying for more or using her messages to boost me up….. it just is what it is and it is actually fine. For now at least.

What happened rocked me in a massive, massive way. I am still shocked by the hugeness of the pain I felt but I am so, so glad that it has passed and that I am okay. I am wondering whether that is likely to happen again? Is it part of the process or was it me falling off the wagon so to speak? Has it helped in some weird way? Who knows!

Oh and to end, this made me laugh…. My mother said yesterday that she had started to read a book my sister recommended. She told me the name of it and so I downloaded it at the park yesterday and I’ve been listening to it since. The book is hilariously funny and extremely crude and rude and shocking in content, BUT that didn’t surprise me. What surprised me is this….. the girl who is narrating the story in first person/diary-entry style, is a young girl. This girl is having therapy…………. This girl is having therapy………………HA. My mother and my sister LOVED this book about a girl in therapy – it makes you die doesn’t it? The two people most adverse to anyone having therapy. Hilarious. Anyway, I am yet to see if the therapist is painted as some manipulating, evil, money-grabber (I sincerely hope not), but we shall see. It is interesting to me because as neither of them have a clue what therapy consists of and as they both clearly have their own fantasies (as T would say) – this book may be changing their opinion.. or confirming them!!