My Nan

Last night my Nan text me. I’ve been expecting contact for a long time now. I had been dreading Mother’s Day for (partly) that very reason. Her text said “we never hear from you Twink. Just let me know you’re okay”.

I replied saying I was well and that I had only text her last week about my wedding and she had replied. She said my wedding wasn’t mentioned… (it was). I changed the subject and asked how her and Grandad were, she replied saying Grandad wasn’t very well and then she didn’t reply to me again.

This morning she text me saying she couldn’t let me pay for the room and to tell her how much they owed me. I told her not to be silly.

A few hours later she text me again, she said she had just spoken with “mummy”…… my heart skipped a beat, actually it started pumping like mad…

She said “mummy” said she never hears from me and that she didn’t know what was going on and could we sort it out. She also said she couldn’t understand why we would be arguing now I was getting married… (what relevance is that?).

I told her not to worry, that it was between me and my mum, that we were big girls and that I loved her and my grandad and hoped to see them soon. Well played I felt….

She then sent this:

“Will mummy and [stepdad] be at the wedding? Xxx”


I’ve not replied to that message still. It’s been about 5 hours now, thankfully she hasn’t sent any more. I’m not ignoring her in anger or anything but I felt totally stuck on what to say.

I don’t want to upset my Nan, or my grandad. I don’t want to worry her. I don’t want her playing peacekeeper and also, I don’t want her telling my mother anything or giving my mother hope.

Equally I worry if it’s really my Nan asking these things, or whether my mum’s been crying over Mother’s Day and my Nan is doing her dirty work for her.

I guess ignoring the message probably sends a clear answer anyway… but I’m not sure that’s where things will be left. I may hear again tomorrow. I wonder what my mother has told my Nan, I wonder what she knows. I wonder if she is really “in the dark” like she says?! Who knows what and who to believe these days.

Part of me thinks I need to just tell my Nan that my mother and stepfather won’t be there. That I should deal with the fallout of that and not protect my Nan…. but I feel bad for her and I guess maybe it’s scary too.

I’ve been dreading this for months and months, yet in a weird way I’m glad it’s happened so I can stop waiting!!


Rubbing the Rose Quartz

Following on from last night’s blog, I woke up angry and sad today. I kind of expected that. It dissipated at work but it’s back with a vengeance now I’m home (well, home for now).

I reached out to T this morning and sent her my blog from last night. This was her reply:

It sounds like you are in touch with feelings that have been sitting just under the surface for the past few weeks? And coming here last night has allowed them to surface? It’s had to be packed away so you can manage living with [fiancé’s] parents and that’s hard. So much is happening for you. Some good things but also painful things, and big decisions to make regarding your wedding and the pain of not feeling able to invite your mother without compromising yourself.

Much as the article describes, to invite your mother would mean to “distort your soul” in a way that doesn’t feel right, in order to please or pacify, and you dont have to do that. Very painful to realise. Not surprising you are flooded with all these feelings today! Let them be expressed without judging yourself.

It’s also hard that we didn’t meet for 2 sessions and perhaps it just didnt feel long enough last night to top you up? And then the break is looming, which doesn’t help either. We will talk about it before and after the break and, in the meantime you are very much held in my mind.

Take gentle care [Twink]

Warm wishes”

I’ve read her response several times. And now I’m posting it here. Why? I’ve no idea. I wore my rose quartz necklace today, I brought it for myself as it reminded me of her because I brought her rose quartz at Xmas and several times I’ve rubbed the crystal. There’s some kind of longing or loneliness or something going on which I’m not entirely sure of, but it’s hard.

Sadness after session

It’s 10.39pm on Tuesday – T day. I’m laying on my bed with tears rolling down my face and I feel grouchy as hell.

I had therapy tonight, I’ve been home about 2 hours, just under. My session was fine! It was good, I noticed how comfortable I felt and noticed that I felt relaxed with T and was being myself, a feeling that perhaps I’ve been missing a little whilst living with the in-laws and always trying to stay out the way or creep around or keep things in their place.

I left feeling fine – happy even and yet now I have two minutes to myself, the tears are rolling and I don’t know why. It’s been quite a while since that’s happened.

Now the tears could be because I saw T in the flesh again and then left? That’s happened before and I haven’t seen her in real life in a few weeks.

It could be that we spoke about Mother’s Day and my wedding and my mother in general and that it’s tapped into some of the sadness I’ve been avoiding perhaps?

Perhaps it’s the mention of T’s Easter break and how I had completely forgotten?

Perhaps it’s all of that or none of it: I simply do not know.

Anyway, that’s it really. I just needed to write that out a bit. I’ll probably have some shit dreams now or not be able to get to sleep – that tends to happen when I’m feeling like this and it’s so annoying!

Maybe I’ll wake up and have an idea what the tears are about, maybe I’ll feel better?

Night all. X

It’s here….

So it’s here then. The dreaded Mother’s Day. Bleugh.

Surprisingly I’m feeling happy and contented right now but it is only ten to ten in the morning.

I’ve been up a few hours and me and my fiancé have given his mum some flowers, a gift card and a lovely card which we both wrote nice (genuine) messages in. Soon we’re all heading out for breakfast.

I am at peace with my decision not to contact my own mother today. I’ve had plenty of time to think that decision through. I still have some guilt about how she will feel at the lack of contact from me today, but I am also able to clearly see that reaching out to her just because it’s “mother’s day” would be pointless. As T would say, it’s not my job to look after her anymore and it’s not my job to fix everything to make HER feel happier.

When I spoke to T last week she said that I have been traumatised by mother’s days and all that they represent and that is why it’s such a trigger for me. I found myself thinking “traumatised” seems a bit extreme but I can see what she was getting at. It certainly represents a whole host of shitness that’s for sure. It’s always been about the presents and the money spent on them. It’s always been one of those days where you try hard to please and yet you know, you just know, whatever you do won’t quite be good enough.

I read last year’s Mother’s Day blog back the other day and I remember the feelings clearly. I am pleased that I won’t be seeing her today and sitting with them all feeling anxious and on edge, ready to defend myself. I am pleased that today I can wear whatever I like and not get judged or picked on for my hair, clothes or weight.

But… as I picked my stepmother some flowers yesterday and today as I gave my mother in law her’s, I am in touch with the (slightly distant) sadness at how things could have been different and how I do wish I had a lovely, kind and caring mother to hand some flowers to. It’s not consuming me, it’s not even effecting my mood (yet), but it is sad I admit that.

People have said that you only have one mother and that you should appreciate them whatever they are like. Well meaning friends and colleagues recently have suggested that I send my mother a simple text message just to ease my conscience and to avoid the potential hate mail that I’m nervous of receiving from my sister or Nan… but what message would that send?

Treat me badly, invalidate my pain, spread rumours about my fiancé, about my mental health but I’ll still send you a text/card to acknowledge you as the great and loving mother. I don’t think so.

I’m prepped and ready for a potential attack (in the form of angry text messages) today. I hope they don’t arrive, but fear that they may. T reminds me I don’t have to reply. I know that.

No JADE-ing. No justifying. No defending. No circle conversations and explaining myself. Who knew?!

So wherever you are if you’re reading this, I hope your day isn’t too triggering. I hope if you’re not in touch with your Mum like me that you are okay today. I send you my love. Feel free to comment here or on instagram. This time tomorrow it will all be over and it will be just another day.

Let’s raise a glass today to those women who have positively effected our lives. For me that’s mainly my T.

So thank you T!

Random tears at silly things

I can’t believe it’s twenty to eleven Sunday night. The weekend has absolutely flown by!

I’ve cried a few times this weekend over really silly things. Firstly, my little car got picked up Saturday by the scrap yard guys to be taken away to be dismantled. Now obviously a car is just metal but as the lorry drove off with him (yes, him!) on the back, I burst into tears. It’s absolutely crazy but I felt sad that I was getting rid of him and guilty he would no longer exist….

I know. Pathetic! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Then tonight I watched Call The Midwife and for those who have seen it, it was very sad and I ended up sobbing again. Over a character in a television show. I didn’t just shed a tear, I had full on crying tears and was sat with my mother in law so I was trying hard to wipe them away.

Earlier today we went out for a country pub lunch and on the way back, we drove to the yard my little car would be at. As we drove away, that was it… crying again!

I don’t know what’s come over me! I’m crying at the silliest of things. I thought to myself earlier, T would say that the car has “tapped me into something” and perhaps say I was using these things as an “excuse” to get the tears out. Maybe she’s right, I don’t know.

I felt okay in myself until those things happened but after I cried, all 3 times(!) I was left with a kind of looming sadness. Nothing intense, nothing bad, just a slight sad feeling. I feel like I could cry more if I had the right situation/trigger/time and yet I’m not sure what the tears are truly about.

It’s Mother’s Day a week today here in the UK but I feel more at peace with that as the days pass. I won’t be contacting my mother and weirdly I don’t feel particularly sad about that…. is that weird? Maybe I should? Maybe I am denying those feelings and they are escaping as my tears? Who knows.

I slept this afternoon/evening for an hour and a half and I woke up feeling a bit groggy. I could have easily gone through the night I think and yet I had 8 hour’s sleep last night.

Anyway, on that note I best get some sleep. Let’s see what the next week brings!

Transforming into a butterfly

I’ve copied this from someone else this morning as I think it’s absolutely spot on accurate!

When you heal and start to change, when you pull away from dysfunctional and toxic people and when you leave the drama triangle, the people you leave behind will want you to go back to how you were before. They need you to go back to your original position, be that the scapegoat or the persecutor and they will tell you and the world that you are crazy if you do not. My own mother has told my entire family my therapist has brainwashed me and that my fiancé has too – obviously it’s not her fault. Nothing ever is.

Stay strong, the healing work we are all doing takes tremendous strength and courage. We will be the happiest and healthiest version of the people we already are & they will always be toxic and caught up in their own drama.

Just a random ramble

Do you know what I think makes this more difficult? That there are so many different types of narcissistic parents and that there are so many different types of abuse and neglect and that some are the total opposite of each other – yet you can be subjected to both and it makes you feel crazy and question what’s true.

Let me explain what I mean.

I grew up always feeling unloved, feeling one hell of a burden. Always wishing I had experienced maternal love, warmth and affection. So I guess I felt emotionally neglected?

Fine okay. On top I felt the physical neglect as my mother was rarely around and always out with friends and men. Still, neglect.

And yet now, thanks to counselling I understand that my mother was also considered an “engulfing mother”. A controlling mother and one who saw me as an extension of herself. Who had no boundaries.

And that’s sooooo confusing to me – even now.

How can someone who was physically and emotionally neglectful also be engulfing and controlling?

I have found myself confused by this even though I logically understand it. It’s hard to try and get through to a PD parent at the best of times, but it’s confusing even for yourself when you go from saying “you were never there, you never cared!” And then following it with “you were controlling, you wanted me to be you!!”.

So for me until I was about… 17 I was a burden. In the way, boring etc.

Then I was the GC (golden child – not Gemma Collins!). I was enmeshed with her (obviously I didn’t know this).

And then I went into therapy and pulled away emotionally and physically and I grew up and began to individuate (late) and got myself a nice partner, now fiancé, and basically developed my OWN personality and life which is absolutely NOT allowed by an engulfing narcissist.

Since confronting her about my pain and sadness we’ve not spoken (aside from a couple of attempts at hoovering via “I love you” texts), it could be silent treatment? It could be anger, who knows?

What a mind f*** hey?!


I keep thinking that I want to write because the last few days I have been feeling pretty optimistic and I thought I should write it down so that on the less optimistic days, I can read it back in the hope that it helps somehow.

Mainly I have been thinking about how much has changed for me in the last few months, particularly since Christmas but also, and perhaps coincidentally(?) since I’ve been no contact with my mother. I feel different at the moment and I want to explain how but I’m not sure how to articulate the feelings. I thought about the things that have changed and things that I am looking forward to and they are so big! Things such as:

I started a new job at the end of November – some of you will remember that it didn’t go well and that I was more or less bullied by two wannabe mean girls and it was horrible BUT I was proactive and I decided I couldn’t work in an environment like that and so I applied for another position internally which I was successful in getting and have now been in my new, new role since 2 Jan. I love my new team and the girls I sit with every day and enjoy my job, particularly on the busier days.  So, item 1: new job.

We then got served notice and told we had to vacate our lovely rented house on NYE. That was bad timing and quite a shock and it was very unwelcomed news which was subsequently followed by us finding another new house only to lose that again a few days before we were meant to move into it!! That was hugely stressful and very upsetting again BUT, we have now found another house and one I actually think I will enjoy even more than the first one we found.  It’s in an area more familiar to me and means I will be much closer to T’s, my dad’s, my best friend’s and close enough to drive to various places like the gym or the supermarket and the local town centre for shopping etc.  I am excited by that.

Next up, I think I am about to buy a new car!! Probably not hugely exciting to anyone else but for me it’s very, very exciting. I only passed my driving test a year and a half ago and I could only afford a very old (16 year old) clapped out old banger which has been rather problematic to say the least. The car is not reliable and I have lost a lot of my confidence due to its unreliability. This potential new car isn’t new, it’s still 10 years old but the comparison is quite remarkable, it FEELS brand new to me. I took it for a test drive Saturday night and the steering feels light, inside it feels just, immaculate I suppose? It is quiet, my seat is higher (which is a good thing as I am very small!).  Anyway, as long as everything goes to plan I should be able to pick it up over the weekend and I just cannot wait. I am nervous though too… it feels very different and will take some getting used to but I hope that a bit of practice will do the trick. It feels like a more “adult” car for some reason, perhaps because it has 5 doors instead of 3 haha.  I’m looking forward to it.

On top of those things, in a few months I will celebrate my 30th birthday, followed only a week later by my hen weekend which is a total surprise and then of course, my wedding! A new name on top of my new job, home and car.

In terms of therapy related stuff and my thoughts and moods more generally, I am feeling rather light at the moment. I feel very at peace with things which although I know is a very good thing, does make me feel a bit guilty. I feel like I should probably be upset and crying and missing my mother – troubled by it at the least, but I am not at the moment. This changes though so I want to enjoy this feeling whilst it lasts because who knows what’s next.  I was thinking this morning as I walked to the station that I still don’t miss her and that I feel as though I probably should.  It’s been 4 full months now, as March approaches so does the 5th month of no contact and I still can’t quite believe I am writing that.

I still feel some dread about mother’s day but am 99% sure that I won’t be contacting my mother. I have struggled with a lot of worry, panic and guilt about that but I think I am currently at the stage where I’m thinking, why would I send a mother’s day card when that would just send the message that I am sending out an olive branch or that she is forgiven purely because time has passed? I still don’t feel angry with her to be honest… there is no anger in that thought, but just simply, she still hasn’t shown any attempt at empathising with me in my hurt and she has simply left me alone.  I think to myself that sending something would perhaps give her the hope/thought that I was ready to “move on” which is what she wants, us to move on with no real discussion or apology and I am not prepared to do that.

It’s a weird feeling not missing your mother. I keep thinking to myself, surely I SHOULD miss her? Surely I should be upset, be crying? Something? Why am I not? Am I cold-hearted? Then I think to myself no, I am not. I know I am not. I guess as nasty as it might sound, there isn’t much to miss in the reality. Sure in the fantasy there is plenty to miss but I’ve been more reality-focussed lately so perhaps that’s why. I don’t miss being told what to do or what to wear or how I look isn’t quite good enough. I don’t miss pretending to be someone I’m not for approval. I don’t miss yearning for some acceptance and love that I will never get and feeling the hurt when I don’t get it. I don’t miss drinking with my mother until the early hours gossiping about other family members or close “friends”.  I don’t miss her planting seeds of doubt in my head about my fiancé or stirring up feelings of envy in me about my stepchildren.  I don’t miss having my private life, my therapy or friends or my father attacked.  What DO I miss?…….. maybe having someone who is more “mine” to text or call when these big things happen. Because the person I tell now is my mother in law and there are things I don’t tell her purely because she gets a little awkward about things that are more emotional. I think she worries about what to say and I sense the uncomfortable-ness in her and it prevents me from saying too much.

All in all though, things are looking up. I feel quite good and I feel rather happy.

Moving weekend

Happy Saturday everyone!

I am currently at the hairdressers with a head of foils looking fabulous! … not! Why do hairdressers insist on placing us in front of huge mirrors? I’m sure the longer I sit here, the more disfigured my face becomes… it all kinda blurs into one. Does anyone else get that? I’ve certainly never felt pretty looking in a hairdressers mirror for hours.

Anyway, today I am at a new hairdressers because I decided not to go to my normal (and much loved) one due to it being situated in my mother’s small town. I just didn’t want to run the risk of bumping into her.

I felt like perhaps I shouldn’t be avoiding my normal places but honestly, it would be difficult and no doubt trigger a huge guilt attack which I just can’t deal with at the moment and so I’ve come here instead, a hairdressers in my own small town. But not for long…

This is the weekend we move out 😦

Tomorrow we have a hire van (doing it ourselves since my sister’s dad became an invalidating flying monkey!!), and a storage unto to put everything in. My house is currently FULL of boxes and bags of clothes and possessions and all that is left for me to take to my in law’s is two bags of clothes, some shoes, some toiletries, my hamster and my laptop. God it feels strange!

So as I am sat here at the new hairdressers I know I won’t be back in this little town (probably) again and it’s sad.


But… we viewed (another) house Thursday night and it was lovely. It’s smaller than what we have now but has enough bedrooms for us and the kids, has a garden and a garage and is a 5 minute walk to the train station which is perfect!

The only slight problem is that it’s a bit further in the opposite direction to where the kids live.

Unfortunately yesterday morning, after not asking my fiancé whether he liked the house or not all evening as he was in a bad mood! I asked and he said he liked it but didn’t want to go for it because it was too far. We ended up in a screaming row. I actually stormed off to our bedroom, slammed the door and got into bed where I sobbed my eyeballs out. I was so disappointed.

Later on in the morning he text me saying he was prepared to do it and told me to apply for it! Yay!! So I did and the landlord accepted us and we have sent off the money for all the usual checks they do. Potential moving in date of end of March! I am elated.

Completely selfishly, some of my own reasons are:

It’s a 15 minute drive to my dad’s house. Me and my dad have been getting on sooooo much better since I’ve gone no contact with my mum. He texts me regularly, I call him regularly and being able to drive to him that easily would be lovely.

It’s an 18 minute drive to counselling and what’s more important for me, it’s nice local roads and not scary busy dual carriageways! Win!

A ten minute drive would get me to the nearest supermarkets and also to the town centre which is full of shops, a cinema, bowling, restaurants etc.

And lastly, my best friend lives 5 minutes away.

So yes, totally selfish but the idea of these things being in my reach is wonderful. Since going no contact with my mother I’m trying to work on my relationships with these people because they are my support network. Keeping close with them helps me to feel less isolated and less lonely.

But look, the kids keep their rooms, my fiancé gets another garage where he can use his turbo trainer and the garden has flower beds for him to plant in AND the house has a greenhouse – something he’s always wanted. Not bad hey?!

So tomorrow we move in with the in-laws until the end of March and I won’t lie, I’m not looking forward to it, but knowing we have a new house to move to at the end of March has certainly made it much easier to swallow.

So as my hair colour takes and I sit and write this, I’m feeling more optimistic than I have for several weeks despite the sadness at leaving out house and this town tomorrow. When I get home in an hour or so, it’s going to be a mad house with packing and skip-runs and the kids all getting (too) excited. I’m making the most of my last bit of alone time for god knows how long…. ahhh!

On an unrelated note, I saw a sign for Mother’s Day on my way to work the other day. Here in the UK it’s on about 11 March. I am dreading it. I’m trying to block it out for now as I am occupied with everything else but it’s there in the back of my head. How will I handle that? Ahh.