T coming to my house

Last week on the phone to T I told her how I wished she could come and see my new house. Imagine my total shock when she responded to say that we could arrange that!!!!

That was last Thursday and between then, and Sunday, somehow – don’t ask me how, I had totally forgotten. Perhaps I blocked it out or something? On Sunday my husband asked me to tell him about that conversation and asked me how I felt. I told him that it felt really weird and that I just couldn’t believe it.

I said it would be really weird to see T anywhere other than in her therapy room. This may sound strange, but I said even just seeing her drive or knock on my door would be weird. Would she have a handbag with her? Would she be dressed differently?

I said I would feel nervous about how to be around her, it would feel like the tables were turned and I had to somehow take the lead… I would offer her a cup of tea… would she sit on my sofas? She would get such a clearer image of who I was by seeing my home.

I said it would be like seeing your teacher at the pub (that happened to me when I was 18 and I found it strange!). It’s hard to place someone you’ve only ever seen in one scenario in another. Suddenly they become “real people”.

Equally part of me would love to show T my house – particularly because I don’t have a mum to do that with. I would love to know she had been there and it felt nice, but I admit, mainly scary.

Then in my phone session with her this afternoon, she mentioned it again and asked me how it felt and said a few things. I was convinced she was going to take her offer back and felt my stomach jump.

She asked me how it felt and I told her that it would be weird, I told her the teacher analogy but said it would also be nice. I admitted I would feel nervous but excited. She started to say that it can be dangerous to see your therapist outside of “the room” and that it can cause problems with the framework and then she said “it can cause all sorts of fantasies like that we would become friends”.

Oh my. That comment, meant so innocently and said in such a Nonchalant way, hurt so much. It hurt instantly like before I even consciously tried to process what she had said. Ouch.

We are not friends.

From a practice point of view I guess I understand that but it really did feel like a punch to the stomach. It felt like she was rejecting me I suppose.

She told me it would not be a therapy session but that she hoped it would be therapeutic. She said she wouldn’t offer this with everyone, that so many factors would determine if it was suitable and she admitted that she would never have suggested this to me 2 or 3 years ago.

She really encouraged me to be honest with her and tell her the total truth about any feelings I had over the coming weeks. She said a few times that I did not have to go along with it and that it would not ruin or change anything at all. She said that as long as I promised to be completely honest with her about anything that came up for me, we would be okay. She said it may trigger some painful transference or other types of painful feelings. I ummed and ahhed along and then our session was over.

So now I’m sat in my car trying to process this. I have a really strange and unsettling feeling inside. It doesn’t feel all roses and butterflies which surprises me because doe 5 years, I would have prayed for a chance like this. Now I’m questioning myself, is it that I want to become friends? Is it part of me secretly hoping it’s the start of something else like her next meeting my husband or me being invited to her house (knowing that won’t happen). Or am I lost being silly and overthinking it?

Will it make me feel the difference between how much she knows about me and how much I know about her even more? Will that feel unfair or unbalanced?

What does it really matter that she sees my house? Why am I scared about being with her in my house instead of her therapy room? What difference does it really make?

20 thoughts on “T coming to my house

  1. Oh my god, that is HUGEEEEE TT! I couldn’t handle it at all, I would just be such an awkward mess about it all! But anyway, your T knows you so well and she wouldn’t offer if she also wasn’t committed to working through the whole thing with you – before, during, after – and maybe it would be super healing!

    I have seen my T many times around my neighbourhood — I live and hang there, her practice is there once a week – and it’s always a bit weird. It was very weird in the beginning and I just learned over time to wave and look away 🙂 The first time I saw her at the cafe nearby, I was just starting out but deep in the throes of trauma, transference and attachment to her, and I asked her if she wanted to come sit with me — she made me gently process it the next week, this ‘we can’t be friends ever even if we would likely make nice friends’ business. Then there was the time we had a rupture-y session and we both patently ignored each other at the cafe right before my next session!

    The other week I saw her drive past me in a totally different part of town and I was thrown for the rest of the evening — it had been so random that I looked over just as she passed me on a highway, and I wondered where she was off to! It does break the frame a bit — though my T also discloses a lot about herself and we have a bit of real life overlap, so the situation is different. She is in no way a blank slate!

    But it’s also been nice to feel real affection and also keep the boundary. For instance, I am going to a do a cool thing in April, something that she would absolutely love — and that she thought was super cool when i told her about it. I just said ‘i’d love to invite you, even though I know that’s impossible — it would be so nice to have you there and I look forward to telling you all about it’.

    Anyway, I think whatever you decide will be fine — and it’s a lovely offer, and possibly really connecting and therapeutic! but also: WOWOWOWOWOW!

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    1. Ommfffggff really???????? I literally just cannot imagine that. Did you have to talk about how all of those things felt?

      I’m sooo conflicted. I don’t have (conscious) fantasies that we’re going to become best friends or anything, I know she’s not going to suddenly be inviting me to her house or to meet her family but equally I suppose I did think of it as a kind of moving forwards or something. I’m worried that if we do it once, we won’t ever do it again and then I’ll be forever wanting more? Is it better to have never had something or to have experienced it once??

      I’m also worried that I’ll be a mess when she leaves. I can’t explain my reasons for that, save to say that I used to cry when people left. When my dad (whom I never saw often) left or when my grandparents took me home when I was a child to my mother. I’m worried that when she leaves, I’ll be crying and feeling some weird abandonment pain xx

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  2. Wow this is incredible!!! I’d love this but also hate it 😂 is it like the difference between fantasy and reality? We fantasise about things and that feels nice but actually doing it would be very different? Maybe that’s why it feels different to how you’d imagined. I’m sure with all the work you’re going to do together to process it, it will be an amazing experience if you decide to do it. I’m so amazed and slightly jealous 😂💕

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  3. My therapist has been in my house a handful of times. Probably more than I remember to be honest. It does throw up some stuff but also…I think it’s good to not over think it. I am learning that about just about everything in life now though lol.

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      1. It’s exposing. Seeing inside my home means she sees the way I live in ways that she won’t know just from spending time with me in her therapy room. It triggers me to feel she might be judging. That’s one of the main things to be honest. But also her coming into my space and then leaving it is hard because you’re suddenly very empty handed when they walk out. Usually when you walk out their space it’s a bit easier. (How I feel anyway!).

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      2. That’s exactly how I feel!!!! I’m mostly over crying when I leave T nowadays (not to say that won’t come back), but I’m scared I would be a mess when she left my house. I’m also worried it will really highlight the massive difference between how much she knows about me and how much I know about her xx

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      3. That can be painful and if it feels like a massive difference already it will likely compound that. I think hold onto the fact she wants to offer that to you. Perhaps that’s enough without actually having to go through with it!

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  4. I think this is an amazing offer. She clearly wants to give you that special experience of having ur attachment figure see your proud achievement and share your joy. She’ll be proud of you and happy for you. She obviously cares a great deal for you.
    I think the transference will intensify probably maternal transference and with that comes great grief. It sounds like she’s aware of that. It’s good for you to be prepared for that and consider all possibilities of how her visit might affect you.

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    1. Oh hey you!!!! It’s been forever since we spoke, how are you?????

      It is absolutely and I hope my post doesn’t sound ungrateful, I absolutely know it is but also it’s making me feel all sorts of things. Nerves and panic and doubt and everything in between.

      She thinks it will be hugely healing and my hub agrees with you in that it’s about having the experience of the mother figure/attachment figure being kind and proud and stuff but I’m so worried that I’ll fall apart when she’s gone koz I used to do that with other people and then I would have “let her in” in another way and then it won’t happen again and I may always be disappointed about that….. am I setting myself up for a fall? More hurt or pain? Or am I massively overthinking it?

      I genuinely NEVER thought this day would come so I’m still in shock really. Xx

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      1. Okay so… Maybe you’re not ready for it. How about asking her if you can work through your feelings about it with her first? There’s no rush, she doesn’t have to come the first minute you move in. You could wait until you’re ready? You might never want her there. All of it is okay.
        Maybe it would be helpful to ask her how it might go… A quick tour and and a cuppa?
        Lots to think about. X

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  5. I had a new therapist once after a three year intense therapy relationship with a woman who left suddenly to join the Peace Corps at age 72. I had a very intense relationship with Peace Corps lady and I felt that I needed the new therapist, who also attended a couple of sessions with Peace Corps lady, to get to know me quickly, so I invited her to my house so I could share some important things with her. Art and poems that I had created. The intensely soothing environment I had set up for myself. I felt very comfortable with her coming to my house, but I did not know her well then. I had no interest of becoming friends with her although our friendship circles often overlapped.

    I did become friends with a therapist about 6 years after I stopped seeing her for therapy. She had done therapy in her house so I had seen it. It was a little nerve wracking to have her come to my house the first time as we lived in very different financial states. I am still friends with that woman. I never hesitate to have her to my home nor go to her home anymore.

    I cannot really imagine having any therapist except post peace Corps lady therapist visit my home while in the midst of therapy. But. I think it could be helpful as long as you are clear on what you hope to accomplish with the visit.

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