Last week on the phone to T I told her how I wished she could come and see my new house. Imagine my total shock when she responded to say that we could arrange that!!!!
That was last Thursday and between then, and Sunday, somehow – don’t ask me how, I had totally forgotten. Perhaps I blocked it out or something? On Sunday my husband asked me to tell him about that conversation and asked me how I felt. I told him that it felt really weird and that I just couldn’t believe it.
I said it would be really weird to see T anywhere other than in her therapy room. This may sound strange, but I said even just seeing her drive or knock on my door would be weird. Would she have a handbag with her? Would she be dressed differently?
I said I would feel nervous about how to be around her, it would feel like the tables were turned and I had to somehow take the lead… I would offer her a cup of tea… would she sit on my sofas? She would get such a clearer image of who I was by seeing my home.
I said it would be like seeing your teacher at the pub (that happened to me when I was 18 and I found it strange!). It’s hard to place someone you’ve only ever seen in one scenario in another. Suddenly they become “real people”.
Equally part of me would love to show T my house – particularly because I don’t have a mum to do that with. I would love to know she had been there and it felt nice, but I admit, mainly scary.
Then in my phone session with her this afternoon, she mentioned it again and asked me how it felt and said a few things. I was convinced she was going to take her offer back and felt my stomach jump.
She asked me how it felt and I told her that it would be weird, I told her the teacher analogy but said it would also be nice. I admitted I would feel nervous but excited. She started to say that it can be dangerous to see your therapist outside of “the room” and that it can cause problems with the framework and then she said “it can cause all sorts of fantasies like that we would become friends”.
Oh my. That comment, meant so innocently and said in such a Nonchalant way, hurt so much. It hurt instantly like before I even consciously tried to process what she had said. Ouch.
We are not friends.
From a practice point of view I guess I understand that but it really did feel like a punch to the stomach. It felt like she was rejecting me I suppose.
She told me it would not be a therapy session but that she hoped it would be therapeutic. She said she wouldn’t offer this with everyone, that so many factors would determine if it was suitable and she admitted that she would never have suggested this to me 2 or 3 years ago.
She really encouraged me to be honest with her and tell her the total truth about any feelings I had over the coming weeks. She said a few times that I did not have to go along with it and that it would not ruin or change anything at all. She said that as long as I promised to be completely honest with her about anything that came up for me, we would be okay. She said it may trigger some painful transference or other types of painful feelings. I ummed and ahhed along and then our session was over.
So now I’m sat in my car trying to process this. I have a really strange and unsettling feeling inside. It doesn’t feel all roses and butterflies which surprises me because doe 5 years, I would have prayed for a chance like this. Now I’m questioning myself, is it that I want to become friends? Is it part of me secretly hoping it’s the start of something else like her next meeting my husband or me being invited to her house (knowing that won’t happen). Or am I lost being silly and overthinking it?
Will it make me feel the difference between how much she knows about me and how much I know about her even more? Will that feel unfair or unbalanced?
What does it really matter that she sees my house? Why am I scared about being with her in my house instead of her therapy room? What difference does it really make?