I called in sick from work today due to a tummy bug and so right now I am sat on the sofa at my in-law’s house and I am home alone for the first time in 7 weeks!!! 7 weeks of being with at least one other person, usually at least 3 other people and on the hardest days, 11 other people. It is like heaven. The silence is amazing!
I slept on and off until about 9am and then lazed around in bed watching my favourite programme. I’ve been up, put a wash on and hung it out to dry and now I am sitting here writing this. I couldn’t be happier (aside from the tummy bug but that seems to be getting better).
Our house purchase finally seems to be picking up some pace. I spoke with the agent a few days ago and he said that we should be able to exchange contracts at the end of September with completion as soon as possible after that. I have everything crossed that this finally happens, it has been one hell of a wait that’s for sure. I have been told my whole life that I have no patience. My grandmother used to tell me, as did my mother and now my husband says it too but I like to think considering how stressful it has been having to move out of our home and into the in-laws whilst still having a full time job, the kids staying every weekend and all the fertility stuff going on, that I’ve shown quite a lot of patience actually LOL.
But.. having said that, I can feel that my tolerance is beginning to run out. I am finding things increasingly difficult now. Sunday night I cried in bed because I felt so desperate to be in my own house without other people around constantly. I am pretty introverted and so this constant people thing is so hard for me. My in-laws are truly lovely people, but there’s only so much time you can spend around other people isn’t there? I miss just being with my husband in our own house just relaxing even down to the really silly things like laying on the sofa or cooking naughty food and snacking on chocolate on a Sunday evening, not to mention (and sorry if you are offended) but to be able to actually have sex! Honestly, we are a married couple living like brother and sister with our parents, its weird and crap and it took its toll by Sunday night and I cried it all out. We joke that everything here is “sex-proofed” as everything is so noisy and squeaky so there’s no chance of a sneaky bit of fun. In all seriousness though, it isn’t about the sex really, but it is about that feeling of closeness with my husband. I miss him and I miss us being a couple even down to not sleeping in a proper double bed where we can cuddle before we go to sleep. Sleeping on two single beds pushed together with a gap between them really isn’t the same. Ditto living out of bags and only having a few of your belongings.
On Monday my husband was really down and sad and said he was feeling how I was and that me crying had probably not helped (he didn’t mean that horribly, just it made him feel shit that I was so down). So anyway, now that the end of September is being spoken about as potential exchange, it gives me a glimmer of hope and something to count down towards rather than just feeling like there is infinite amounts of time passing with nothing getting easier.
Anyway, aside from that stuff I am finding something else a bit difficult at the moment and that is my friend and team leader at work. I sit next to her in the office and we are friends as well as colleagues but recently I am finding her harder and harder to sit with all day. I’m not sure whether she has changed, or whether I have only just started to notice, but she is SO miserable and negative and she literally moans about absolutely everything, constantly all day long. I find myself going to work feeling happy enough and within half an hour of being at my desk, I am irritated and stressed out. I’ve been trying all sorts of different tactics to stop myself being affected by her, such as not really entertaining the things she says when she’s moaning about someone – for example I continue typing and looking at my screen and maybe just make a “mm” noise rather than engaging with her properly. That seemed to just annoy her and she said “are you listening?”.
The real problem is that she is the team leader of 7 of us and she is absolutely awful at that role. She does not lead or manage any of the team and because of it, the team is crap. There are people that barely do any work, people that are so shit at their job but never called up that they are avoided when work is being given out, some girls are late every single day, some take long lunches every day and one girl sits on her phone literally all day long. What does she do about this? Literally I am not exaggerating, all she does is moan to me and slag them off to me. She NEVER disciplines them, or tells them off. She never calls them up on anything. For example on a typical day I will have her in my ear saying “X is late again, what a surprise”, then “She’s on her bloody phone again!!”, “what time did X go to lunch? Why isn’t she back yet?” and “X has fucked this up, again, she’s useless!” and on and on it goes. The other day I found myself snapping at her for something she was moaning about and she said “Well I don’t mean you, obviously” and so I said “Well, I am the only one who can hear you!!”. Its infuriating. It probably sounds pathetic but honestly, since this has become more and more of an issue, I find her more and more painful to sit next to and obviously she is the boss and so I have nobody to complain to about her.
She does have a boss too and my husband has suggested I go straight to that person but I don’t feel that is an option because they are close and so the other boss would just tell her what I had said about her but also, we have a friendship (one that now feels difficult) and I don’t think that would be the right thing to do – to go over her head and complain about her. Ugh.
Luckily she works from home on a Friday and I know it sounds awful but I love it. I get to come in and get my head down and work hard without all the bitching and moaning and negativity. That’s awful isn’t it? On top of that, I have the additional anger because she isn’t managing the team and I feel I am doing so much more work that everyone else (because they are all too busy being late, at lunch, on their phones or useless lol) and I am too conscientious (to a fault) to let the work mount up until someone complains. Even SHE told me the other day “stop doing it all then, let someone complain when a deadline is missed!” but its like…. OR you could do your job and MANAGE the team????? She has been in this role for over 20 years now so it isn’t anything to do with not knowing what to do. I don’t understand her reasons, whether its laziness or what, but it sucks and because of her I am finding work really difficult.
I said to my husband that if we weren’t so desperate for a baby I would 100% be leaving – without a doubt, but unfortunately I need maternity pay for if and when the time comes and I can’t afford to start a new job and have to wait the two years to get that again.
Since writing this she has phoned me (whilst I am off sick) to talk about a few jobs I was dealing with yesterday. Even that annoys me because she doesn’t ever phone anyone else in the team when they are off sick, they are left alone but because we are “friends”, she obviously feels she can call me and on the phone she was miserable and winging about stuff and arguing with me about whether or not some figures were right that I’ve done. I felt like yelling at her to leave me alone, but obviously I can’t do that so I didn’t. Still, just since that call I can feel my body has gone angry and tense. She really causes a reaction in me, she irritates me so easily.
Okay, rant over.
So that is about it really…. T is on holiday this week and next so no therapy for me for a while. I feel okay about that though, at the moment anyway.