Blue

I’ve not felt myself today.  Unfortunately it was one of those mornings where I woke up with a headache and felt miserable.  I really hate those mornings because it feels like I have no control over how I’m feeling.  I can’t talk myself out of it or seem to shake it off and they seemingly come from nowhere which is frustrating!

Today was especially frustrating because I have been feeling positive lately and as I have already written, our most recent fertility test went well.  I spoke to T yesterday and felt positive that we had a plan with regards to our fertility, mainly sorting out my thyroid and then trying naturally again for a few months before trying IUI.  I was relieved my tubes were given the all-clear and relieved the procedure was done.  On top of that I have been feeling so much better about things with my mum – so why the headache and sad/grumpy mood today?

I just do not know.  It could be because I am starting to really miss and crave our own house.  I miss just being able to enjoy a day off work even if that means just lounging around at home and not doing much. Maybe doing some housework, watching some crap tele, napping and drinking tea! I just cannot do that here with the in-laws.  The tele is rarely on and when it is on, my mother in law watches a select few programmes which I do not watch (or enjoy).  All other times my MIL is doing crosswords and my FIL is on his laptop.  I feel so bored. Time drags on and I can’t wait for it to be an acceptable time for bed! Today I felt that even more than normal – I am off work because of the procedure yesterday and I feel like I have to get up at a reasonable time and be showered and dressed with the bed made etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t intend to lay around in a messy house anyway, but its the feeling of not having the choice if that makes sense?

Since our chain restarted recently, its only actually been a few weeks and so we are currently aiming for early October to move – at least another month and whilst on the whole that isn’t THAT long, it really feels it at the moment. The house thing has dragged on for so long now that honestly I sometimes forget that we are waiting for our own house to complete, it feels like a pipe dream.

T is now on a break for two weeks.  I feel fine about that though I will miss talking to her as I always do.  She’s gone away at a good time though really because I feel strong enough about the major things in my life and not having to drive all the way to her house every Tuesday from the parent in law’s will be handy.. but maybe that has something to do with how I am feeling today? Can it be a coincidence that I have woken up feeling like this the day after our last session? Maybe… who knows.

I said to my husband earlier that although obviously I am very, very glad my tubes are clear and that we have no major problems physically that I do feel a bit of an anti-climax.  For the last month or so we’ve had appointments and blood tests and I’ve had scans and then yesterday’s procedure.  We have had forms to complete and leaflets to read and decisions to make and then all of a sudden.. its all done (for now).  This may sound like a weird thing to say because obviously I would MUCH rather be in this position than potentially waiting for more procedures if there were any big problems .. but still, that is a bit of a feeling that I have today. A bit like… what now? It feels like I’ve been able to be really proactive and had stuff to focus on and now all I can do is take a pill every morning and wait to see if it improves my TSH levels enough that we can safely try for a baby again.

I am due to ovulate in a few days time, it feels like a shame to “waste” the chance to try but its the decision we have made and one that is very important.  Besides, living with the PIL’s, we have not been able to get jiggy anyway! It has been weeks (literally) since me and my husband have been able to get anywhere near one another.  That hasn’t bothered me too much – weirdly I don’t feel particularly game when there are PILs walking round all the time but sometimes I think you need that bit of intimacy between you to keep things feeling right and I know I feel closer and happier when me and my husband have a chance to be affectionate which we haven’t been since living here with his parents.

Lastly I know I had a dream last night and that my mother and stepfather were in it.  I can’t remember anything about it now, but I remember waking up and thinking that wouldn’t have helped. Sometimes I have a dream and that dictates my mood for the entire next day – they can be so powerful!! Maybe my subconscious is holding on to feelings from that dream and its a dream mood carryover thing?

The worst of the mood is over and the headache is beginning to lift a little, but it hasn’t gone completely.  Unfortunately I think its here for the rest of the day and I just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning I feel better.  It feels weird to feel so crappy without really knowing why – does anyone else get this?

I have decided to give caffeine free tea a go because I drink too much tea and because I am so fed up with having to have a wee every ten minutes and according to Dr Google, caffeine makes that worse.  So far and I genuinely cannot taste the difference whatsoever so that can’t be a bad thing can it? I need to lose some weight as I feel so fat and bloated at the moment and I know that won’t be helping my general mood. I miss going to spin class and I miss having the freedom to jump in my car and drive to my local gym.  These are all things I can’t wait to have back when we finally move.  For now though, I could be doing something about that and I could temporarily join a gym up here but I don’t seem to have the motivation – its a viscous circle huh? Having said all of that, maybe it is simply my thyroid making me feel fatigued and flat.

Meh.

2 thoughts on “Blue

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy. I completely get the feeling of something being over and thinking “what now?” It’s really a weird and unsettling feeling. I also get a lot of those moments where I’m not sure why I’m in such a down or bad mood. I actually had one of those days on Thursday, and I still don’t know what it was about. My therapist says that sometimes those days just means we need to do some extra self-care.

    I’m a science geek, so want to add something about the whole caffeine thing. Like with a lot of things, the studies on this have been somewhat misleading. If you’re a regular caffeine drinker, those diuretic effects don’t apply to us. Your body is used to it. One thing I’ve learned about Google is that it can be a great source of information, but also of misinformation. And if we read something on Google that’s misinformation, but we even subconsciously think there must be some truth in it, the Placebo effect can arise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oohhh I was literally thinking the word “placebo” as I was reading your sentence about it not applying to us regular caffeine drinkers because I do think it’s helping me to wee less than I was!

      I’m sorry you had a down day on Thursday, I find it so unsettling after feeling good for a while and when you don’t know why it’s frustrating isn’t it? I couldn’t wait to go to bed last night so I could wake up today hopefully feeling better.

      Thank you for understanding about the “what now” feeling. I know I should be grateful (and I am) but yeah, I felt like for a while I had the power to do stuff and now I feel it’s gone again but I do know that’s not actually true – that’s just what I’m telling myself. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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