Due to being unwell I had to miss my first session back which would have been on Tuesday and as I still feel rotten today, I asked T if we could speak by phone this afternoon.
I didn’t feel like I had many feelings about speaking to T after the break though I did notice some nerves kicking in as it got past about 2pm. I have no idea why. What is there to be nervous of?
Interestingly it was about 1pm that I sat down with a pad and pen and felt that I wanted to write something. Really write something.. something with power, with meaning; something that meant something to me and so I wrote my last post. It might not feel particularly powerful to anyone else as it is my personal story, but it felt powerful to me and it had the desired effect. That feeling of both creating something and working something through. I know I’m always banging on about the power of reading and writing but this is exactly why I love it so much.
It’s funny also because I thought to myself earlier that I would like my hubby to read what I have written and that I hoped he would ‘like it’ – considering the subject matter, I think that is unlikely LOL.
T started our phone session by talking about me being sick. She said she was thinking about how it is interesting I have got sick on the back of the break. I had predicted this conversation as she often says this sort of thing. She said it was interesting that I had a chest infection as though I have had “something on my chest” for the last few weeks that she was away. I agreed and said I had also thought this. That is only half true really. I had thought that but I am not sure I agree with it, I just knew she would say it. Though being absolutely fair to her, it has happened before so maybe there is something to it. Who knows.
She asked me how I have been and I said that I had been fine. I said that the first few days of the first week were a little difficult but after that I didn’t give anything much thought (i.e. I blocked her out of my mind completely LOL). She asked me to talk about the first few days being difficult and I started to explain but ended up being side-tracked by something I had said and then the conversation kinda went off in various different directions so I never really answered that question properly.
I told T about Easter and how I had cooked a big roast dinner for 7 of us and how I had decorated the table with little chicks and things. I told her that we hid eggs in the garden for the children and how we went for a walk and ended up playing with a frisbee in a field which I had never done and enjoyed. T said that was good and asked if I had taken any photos that I could show her and I said that I had.
I told T about the text from my mother about the family BBQ and how that has been on my mind for the last 10 days or so. I said that I hadn’t answered my mother’s text about whether or not I could go yet because I was busy at the time she asked and she’s not asked since. I said I still hadn’t completely decided and that I was torn but felt in my gut, I shouldn’t go. T asked me to explain my thoughts which I did (I won’t go into that on this post as I’ve already written about them in several previous posts).
T said “what’s in it for you?” and I thought about that and said “well, my nan and grandad would love it” to which T pointed out that is not for ME, that’s for them. I suppose what I meant was that I would like them to be happy. T said that I can arrange to see my grandparents in other ways. She suggested we had them over for dinner or that we went to see them. I agreed and said that was totally possible and we could and would do that, but it wasn’t the same for them as having their whole family together.
T said she thought it was a bad idea for me to go there with my mother and everyone else getting drunk (standard). She said I could end up getting “sucked back in” which I agree with. She said it was far safer for me to stay away from big events like that, especially when there was a lot of drink involved and when I would be going without my husband for support.
I told T that I felt the “ever-hopeful child” as she says wanting to go and wishing that it would be this lovely family day… but that I could also see that the more adult part of me knew it was likely to be a big, drunken, dysfunctional mess. I also explained that I really didn’t want to see my mother’s husband and that whilst I didn’t want to be mean or rude to him, I would just rather not have to see him at all. T agreed with me and totally understood my reasons.
I told her that I also worried that if I went, I would have to start attending all family events, on my own, and that I didn’t want to. She agreed. I told her that I had had a bit of a go at my husband for not saying he would come with me but that I knew deep down he was trying to show me that I could do what he does and refuse to attend things where people are abusive and cruel to me. T said that actually she felt the best thing my husband could do was refuse to go and also encourage me not to go either (he doesn’t do that). She said this isn’t a normal situation with a normal family bbq – this is a whole family of dysfunctional, alcoholics and narcissists/enablers.
I then told T that my mother had text me a week ago today asking me if I fancied going out for a drink with her last Friday night. I said that I had been shocked because she’s not invited me for a drink for many months now and that I didn’t think she would do that anymore. T said that the thing with narcissists is that the boundaries people set with them tend to wear off and so I have to keep on reminding them/re-establishing the boundaries. She said “you will have to remind her again and say “Mum, I’ve told you, I don’t want to be with you when you are drinking/drunk””. I agreed but if I am honest, I just don’t feel like I can/want to say that. I much prefer just avoiding it and suggesting meals etc. She is right though, about a year ago I did tell her that I didn’t want to see her in those settings. Having said that, several months ago we went for “a meal” and she got trolleyed and acted highly inappropriately…
I didn’t get chance to tell T about the dream I had about her. I did want to but by the time I remembered, it was ten minutes until the end of the session and I didn’t want to rush it. Hopefully we can talk about that next Tuesday. If I still remember.
At the end we just caught up on some boring stuff – an argument we are having with our current estate agents and the latest on our house purchase etc. I also told her about my husband’s sister and my own sister who has now broken up with her boyfriend (as of last night though so it’s very early days).
By the end of the call I felt pretty happy and comfortable and it started to feel less weird again.
Since coming off the phone and since writing this and my other post this morning I have been trying to think that if I grew up feeling (knowing) that my mother was at her happiest when I was not around, how that might play out with T. How might that impact the breaks. This is a new thought so I haven’t got very far with it yet, but I suppose it might have something to do with why I never speak my mind about the breaks – because as a child I learnt my mother was happier when I went away/she went away and so I did what I was told. Went where I was told to go; regardless of whether I wanted to or not. Perhaps that is why I have never been able to access any anger over the breaks.
Anyway, I need to think about that a bit more so to be continued…