Today should be my first session back with T after an 18 day break but I am unwell. The timing really is impeccable. I started to feel unwell on Sunday and recognised the very familiar pain: a chest infection. I seem to get a chest infection at least once a year and I realised the other day that for the last 5 years, it has been in April or early May. I don’t know why that is, perhaps it is to do with the weather or something. What I do know is that it bloody hurts and I am writing this from my bed, where I have been since Sunday afternoon. On my bedside cabinet I have lots of screwed up bits of tissue, half eaten packets of throat sweets, water and pain killers.
I decided I was going to have to face facts and email T earlier this morning to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to come. I have been putting this off for a couple of reasons: 1) In case I felt better later and could go, but also 2) because I’ve read lots over the years about how lots of people cancel their session immediately before or after the break out of anger and punishment and I didn’t want T to think that was the case. It really isn’t.
T and I have spoken by phone in the past so I knew that could be an option but talking hurts my throat and then makes me cough and the coughing really, really hurts. Also as silly as it sounds, I genuinely feel too crap to get showered, dressed and drive to her house and back. So I have cancelled my session. This is the first ever time I have cancelled due to sickness in 5 years. I am just glad that I have two sessions a week so hopefully I can go on Thursday.
T often puts physical illness down to emotions and has regularly told me in the past that colds for example are “uncried tears“. Funnily enough T often has a tissue on her and is blowing her nose so perhaps she has lots of uncried tears herself…. or maybe she has allergies. Who knows.
Anyway just out of interest whilst I was waiting for my laptop to load, I did a Google search for the emotional causes of chest infections and it says that sadness affects lung function and the chest region. Some of the symptoms this website lists are “chest discomfort, weak voice, lack of desire to speak, low resistance to respiratory infections, pale bright face“….
Maybe the reason I get a chest infection every year is to do with emotions building up or grief that I have not expressed. Who knows? I do remember that when I was signed off of work last September, T had been away for 2 weeks and I fell apart the day before her return. Maybe unconsciously I hold it all in and then it gets too much and I just breakdown one way or another. Maybe.